After We Fell (Falling Fast #1.5)

by Jessica Gibson

  Sadie looked down at her hands, twisting her napkin into knots. “I just don’t want to hurt you or make you feel bad.”

  “You won’t. I’m really excited for you guys. That’s a huge step.” I smiled, and for the first time in a few days, it was a genuine smile.

  The rest of our time at lunch was spent laughing and talking about our school friends. I felt normal again, at least for a couple of hours.

  “Promise me you won’t shut us all out?” Sadie asked, a pleading tone to her voice.

  “I don’t try to, you know that, right? It’s just the way I deal sometimes.”

  “You have a whole support system in place now, so please know you’re never alone. Even if it's the middle of the night and you just need someone to come over and hold you while you cry. I’m your girl.” She held out a hand, and I took it.

  “I appreciate that more than you know. I really do.” I got out of the car feeling slightly lighter, like the weight of the world wasn’t actually resting on my shoulders for once.

  Levi was asleep when I got home, and for once, he looked like he was at peace in his dreams. There were a million things I had to do like setting up doctor’s appointments, and grocery lists, and other adult things. But I threw on some pajamas and curled my body around his so I could listen to him breathing and feel his heart beating beneath my hand.

  I woke long after it was dark feeling supremely disoriented. For a moment, I couldn't remember what day it was or if we had chemo or not. I sat up and tried to clear my sleep addled brain and noticed the faint sheen of sweat covering Levi. His shirt stuck to his chest, and his breathing was labored.

  I immediately went to the medicine cabinet to get the thermometer. One of the really sucky parts of chemo was that it reduced your ability to fight off normal infections. To say I was worried would have been an understatement.

  I shook him gently to try and wake him and he stirred for a moment before his eyelids fluttered open.

  “Becca?” He yawned groggily.

  “Hey baby, you feel really hot to me. Let’s check your temp, okay?” I eased him up into a sitting position so we could check it.

  He groaned as he sat up and I hated myself for having to wake him. I slipped the thermometer under his tongue. A horrible, uneasy feeling took root in the pit of my stomach as I watched the numbers rise. Finally, it beeped signaling it was done, and I checked the final number. 104.5. Not the number I was hoping for. Something was wrong and there was nothing I could do for him here.

  “Come on, we need to head to the hospital.” I helped him up out of bed and into some clean, dry clothes before heading to the car. I put my anxiety on hold because it wouldn’t do either of us any good. I got him into the car with a blanket over him and called Doctor Simmons’ after hours number on the way to tell them we were coming.

  Levi waited in the car while I checked him in and a nurse came out with a wheelchair for him. He looked so frail, not at all like the man I had married a few short months ago, the man who was so full of life.

  I called Ruth from the hallway after we got up to the room.

  “Hey, it’s me,” I said after she answered. These phone calls were becoming more and more frequent lately.

  “What’s up?” She sounded hesitant.

  “We’re at the hospital. Levi spiked a high fever. We just got to a room and are waiting on a doctor to see him. I’m guessing he’s going to need some antibiotics or something.” I sighed.

  “You sound tired, honey.” I could hear the concern in her voice, and it warmed my heart. I was fast becoming accustomed to someone caring about me.

  “I am. This has been a long month or so. Spending every moment being afraid hasn’t helped either.” I stared through the little window in the door at my husband. If I was tired, then he was exhausted. I wished so bad that I could sleep for a month straight, and when I woke up, this would all be over with and Levi would be healthy again.

  “You need to take care of yourself too or you’ll be no good to him. I can come for a few weeks and help out if you need me to.” She was dying to come and mother us both, but I knew that wasn't what Levi wanted right now. He wanted peace and quiet, and that wouldn’t happen with Ruth at the house. She was a whirlwind of energy, which normally was great, but not in this case. I could have used the help, the break. I hated even admitting that to myself. I was his wife; I should be able to cope with all of this.

  “I think we’re good for the moment, but I’ll keep that in mind if things change.” I tried for a light tone and failed miserably. I had to stop myself from telling her I changed my mind and wanted her to come and stay with me. Even if Levi didn't think he needed her, I felt like I did.

  “Okay, well, you keep me updated on what’s going on.” The anxiety in her voice was clear.

  “I promise I will. Okay, the doctor is coming. I love you.”

  “I love you too. Don’t forget to call.”

  “I won’t,” I said quickly before pressing end and hurrying into Levi’s room just after the doctor. The doctor was standing by the bed looking over the chart.

  “Hi, I’m Becca Klein, Levi’s wife.” I made my way to the head of the bed.

  “I’m Doctor Adams, the on call Oncologist. I’d like to run a few labs so we can get a better picture of what’s actually going on.” He made a note and looked up at us. “I’m thinking it’s an infection, and you’ll need antibiotics, but we won't know for sure until I see your labs. For now, we’re going to give you some IV fluids and plan to keep you overnight.”

  I liked that he was straight to the point and wasn’t messing around with any of this. As much as I wanted him home, I didn’t want it to be a detriment to him.

  I pulled a chair up next to the bed and got comfortable; it looked like it was going to be a long night.

  ****

  After two days in the hospital on antibiotics, they said he could go home. We would continue to give him the meds through his chemo port, which in all honesty made me nervous as hell. I wanted nothing more than to call Ruth and beg her to come and take care of us both, but I was an adult, and I had just signed up for the in sickness and health stuff a few months ago.

  “I just need to run into the grocery store to pick up your meds and grab some things for dinner. Will you be okay in the car?” I glanced at him as I unbuckled my seat belt.

  “I’m fine.” His expression was hard to read, but I just nodded.

  “Okay, be back in a few.” I waved once and trudged up to the sliding doors.

  The line at the pharmacy was crazy long. I waited for at least fifteen minutes, only to be told that they needed to speak with Levi about it.

  “No.” I shook my head. There was no way in hell that I was letting him walk into this germ-ridden place, face mask or no face mask.

  “I’m sorry?” The blonde behind the counter blinked at me.

  “No. He won’t be coming in to speak with you or the pharmacist. We’ve just left the hospital, and he doesn’t need to be exposed to any more crap.” My nerves were a frazzled mess, and I couldn't hold it all in anymore.

  “Oh, um …” She looked uncomfortable.

  I hadn't realized my voice had risen to something above talking but below screaming. Another woman came to stand next to the blonde.

  “Can I help?” She smiled in that professional manner that salespeople always used.

  “I was just telling her that my husband will not be coming in to speak with you about his prescription.” I clutched the strap of my purse so tight, I was sure my knuckles were white.

  The woman checked the computer and then her expression softened. “That won’t be a problem at all, Mrs. Klein. Let me just get it for you and go over the instructions.” This time her smile was genuine, and I could see a hint of pity in her eyes.

  A moment later, she came back with a few bottles of liquid and some other syringes and things. “Okay, he needs to take this twice a day for ten days. Be sure to clean his port with an alcohol pad before
you start the syringe. Do you have any questions about this?”

  “Will this make him sick?” I sincerely hoped not. It was hard enough getting him to eat as it was.

  “It shouldn’t, but if it does, I would give him one of the anti-nausea pills he has and it should do the trick.”

  “Thank you. And I’m sorry for losing my cool before. I know she was just doing her job.” I blinked back tears that were suddenly at the surface. Was this who I was now? A woman who cried in front of strangers?

  “It’s no big thing.” She smiled again, and I felt worse.

  I paid quickly and sped through the aisles grabbing things that I hoped I would be able to get him to eat. Ten minutes later, I was loading the trunk and hopping back behind the wheel.

  Levi was asleep, and I didn’t wake him until we got into the garage.

  “Go on in, I’m just going to grab these and I’ll be right behind you.” I popped the trunk and slid out of the seat. My list of things I had to do never got smaller.

  “I can help.” He started to grab a bag, but I stopped him.

  “No, just go on in. I can handle this.” I smiled and reached past him.

  “I’m not an invalid, Becca. I’m capable of helping out and doing things for myself.” The heat in his tone surprised me. I looked up into angry emerald eyes staring back at me.

  “I didn’t say that you weren’t capable of helping. I’m fully aware that you are. It’s just the fact that we are barely out of the hospital, and I want to make sure you don't overexert yourself.” I tried to keep my voice calm. We didn’t need to be arguing right now, especially when all I wanted to do was cry into my pillow after he went to sleep.

  “Just let me take a fucking bag inside.” He yanked one out of my hand and walked away before I could say anything. At that moment, I was mad. I irrationally wanted to scream at him that everything I was doing was for him, to keep him safe and healthy. I wanted to rage and cry and throw things and feel less like an adult. But I didn't do any of those things. Instead, I seethed inwardly and hated this situation all the more.

  After taking a deep breath and counting to five silently to calm myself, I scooped up the rest and followed him into the house.

  “What was that all about?” I dropped the bags on the counter and peered around at him cautiously. I knew he had every reason to be in a bad mood, but sometimes, he forgot that I was going through this right along with him.

  “I’m sick of this.” He huffed out a breath and then coughed violently. My earlier anger dissipated in an instant.

  “I know you are. I’m not super fond of it myself. But it’s not going to help the situation if we start snapping at each other over stupid things.” I was proud of how rational I sounded.

  “I don’t want to be an ass.” He sank down into a chair. “It’s just that everything is out of my control right now. I can’t do anything for myself.” He pounded a hand on the table. “I miss being able to live my life the way I wanted to.” His voice lost some of the anger.

  I walked and sat across from him at the table, reaching out to him. I wanted to hug him but knew he didn’t want that. After a moment, he took my hand.

  “This is just a rough patch. Things will get better.” A tear slipped down my cheek.

  “I used to think that too.” He took his hand back and got up, leaving me sitting in the dark kitchen.

  I let myself break, let the tears stream down my cheeks in hot rivers. I cried for everything I was now responsible for, and for all of the things I couldn’t protect him from. I cried for him and for the life he was being deprived of.

  Finally, I made myself get up and put away the food before it spoiled. I threw together soup and sandwiches and brought some on a tray for Levi.

  He was lying in bed watching TV when I came in, an annoyed expression on his face.

  “Are we still fighting?” I set the tray down and sat next to him.

  “You know I’m not mad at you.” He rolled his eyes.

  “I know, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a brat to me.” I stuck my tongue out at him. If he was going to be a child, then so was I. That earned me a smile.

  “We’ll do this one day at a time, okay? Together.” I leaned in and kissed him. “ Don’t shut me out. I can’t help if you don’t let me.” I leaned my head against his.

  “I don’t want to shut you out. It’s just so much more than I thought it would be. The chemo, getting sick all the time, all of it. I’m so tired of it already, and we still have so much more to go.”

  “Don’t lose hope, baby. We’ll get through this. Even if you don’t believe it.” I kissed him again and wrapped my arms around his chest.

  Chapter 6

  Life moved at a snail’s pace for us. We were caught in a bubble of chemo, doctor appointments, hospital stays, and sickness. I felt like I could look out and see the world moving at light speed, but I couldn’t escape this bubble.

  “Are you awake?” I called from the bathroom. We had another chemo appointment in an hour, and I was sure he would want a shower before.

  This would be his fifth week of the chemo. Cancer sucked ass. There was no other way around it. It fucking sucked. To see the man I loved reduced to someone so far from who he was broke my heart every day. I missed so many things. The sound of his laugh, the feel of his skin against mine. Having help. That was a huge one, and something I would never say out loud to him. Ever. I didn't need to have him feel guilty.

  The wedding felt like only yesterday, yet here we were with him clinging to life and me clinging to rapidly failing hope. I worried most days that this would change us forever. This cancer, this awful thing that had blown apart our new life together. Could we go back to those newlyweds who wanted nothing more than to lay in bed and dream about the future? Would he be the same man? Would I be the same me? God, I wanted to believe that forever really could happen. That this was only a blip in our lives. But I was so tired of being optimistic; it hurt my heart too much to hope. So we would exist, in this half-life of sorts, and try not to say things that would do irrevocable damage. I tried not to take his anger to heart because I knew he wasn’t mad at me, he was mad at the situation. But it still wounded me, every time it wounded me.

  “Yeah, I’m up.” His somewhat surly voice shot back.

  Everything was a fight. Anything to do with his treatment caused an argument. I constantly danced around the things I needed to say and the things I knew he would let me say.

  “Okay.” I didn’t say more; there was no point. Instead, I grabbed my clothes and got dressed quickly so I could leave the room. “I’ll be in the car when you’re ready.”

  We had an hour, but I wanted to call Ruth. I dialed the number and leaned against the headrest.

  “Hello?” Ruth’s voice rang out through the small speaker.

  “Hey.” I sighed. Just hearing her made me feel better.

  “You okay?” She sounded concerned.

  “Levi’s fine,” I automatically responded.

  “That’s not what I asked.”

  “No, I’m not okay,” I finally admitted out loud. “I don’t know how to help him and not have him hate me.” A few tears leaked out, and I wiped them away with my sleeve. “Everything is a fight. It’s as if he forgets that I’m just helping him. And I can’t do it all by myself anymore. It’s too much, Ruth, I can’t handle it,” I blurted in a jumble of words.

  “Oh, honey. I know it’s hard. You have to let me help, even if he doesn’t want it.”

  She was right, and I knew it. If I didn’t say yes at some point, I would resent him.

  “Ruth, I need help.” The rush of relief at saying those words was healing in itself.

  “You just tell me how to help, and I’ll do it. I don’t ever want to overstep in any way.” She sounded relieved too.

  “Can you come for a week? Maybe not stay with us but come? I don’t want him to hate me, but I need someone to carry some of the weight. I can’t even ask our friends because I can�
��t let them around him for fear that he’ll catch something. We’ve been cooped up in the condo alone for weeks. I haven’t even been to the studio at all in a month. I can’t cope with this anymore.” I was sobbing into the phone.

  “I’m coming. You’re not alone, Becca, you’re never alone.” I could hear the tears in her voice. “I’ll be there by tonight, and I’ll stay somewhere close by.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “You never have to thank me for being your mom. Just hang in there today, and we’ll sort it all out when I get there, okay? I love you, honey.”

  “I love you too.” I put the phone down and found Levi standing just outside the window watching me.

  “Becca?”

  I wiped my face and opened the door. “Sorry, did you need me?” I was trying to just brush past this.

  “Why were you in the car crying? Who were you talking to?” He looked concerned.

  “Your mom, and I didn't mean to cry, it just sort of happened. She’s going to come for a week.”

  “You know I don’t want people at the house with us. I can’t handle it right now.” He shook his head.

  “She’s not staying with us. And I know you don’t want her here, but I do.”

  “Why?”

  “I need some support, Levi. I’m trying as hard as I can, but I’m barely holding it together. And you’re always mad at me, and I just can’t do it anymore.”

  He stood, just staring at me for a while. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I had no idea this was so hard on you. I mean I did, but not like this. Of course, you need help. We’ve been so isolated here. You need to talk to someone. And I’m sorry for snapping at you so much.” He looked stricken.

  “I don't blame you for this, Levi. You’re going through something I can’t begin to understand. All I ask is that you don’t forget that I’m going through something too. I have to watch you every day and see you becoming less and less you. I love you; just let me help without fighting about it.”