Dear Lizzie

by Annie Lyons

  Lizzie shook her head. ‘Nothing’s happened.’

  ‘Yet. But you’d like it to?’

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe. He’s very charming and good-looking.’

  ‘Sounds promising. Does he have a brother?’

  ‘Sadly no. Anyway, what about you? Any Valentines?’

  Susie sighed. ‘One. But I think it might be from Brian.’

  Lizzie grimaced. ‘You never know, he might be dark and passionate.’

  Susie pulled a face. ‘I’ll bear it in mind. Anyway, loved-up Lizzie. I better go before one half of Frankenben gets me.’ Susie adopted the Frankenstein walk again into Lizzie before putting her arms around her and clinging on. ‘Oh why didn’t you get together with my brother? It would have made life so much simpler,’ she cried before letting go and skipping out of the shop. ‘Happy Valentine’s!’

  Lizzie waved her away and turned back to Alex’s card. Her heart was thumping with excitement as she read his tiny, neat writing.

  My dear Lizzie,

  I hope you don’t mind me sending you a Valentine’s card. The truth is that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since the day I saw you on the steps of the National Gallery. I have loved every moment we’ve spent together and enjoyed getting to know you so very much. I know we have a shared history and that will always be the case but it’s felt to me as if I was getting acquainted with someone new and really rather wonderful. I know I said that I wanted to be just friends but the truth is that I don’t want to be just friends any more. I want us to be more than that. I will understand if you don’t share my feelings but I had to tell you in case there’s a chance that you feel the same way.

  Forever yours,

  Alex x

  Lizzie’s hands were shaking as she closed the card. No one had ever expressed feelings like these for her before. It was romantic and heartfelt and completely overwhelming. She felt as if her life was starting to slot together correctly, where it had been unbalanced and unco-ordinated before. She was moving towards something that she badly wanted and it was just within her grasp. The rest of the day flew by like a dream. Lizzie dearly wanted to call Alex but she wanted to be at home and have time to speak to him properly.

  She practically skipped up to her flat after work and flung open the door. She took out her phone and dialled his number. It went straight to voicemail and she remembered with a frown that he would be teaching until six. She decided to leave him a message.

  ‘Alex? It’s Lizzie. I got your card and I have to tell you that I do share your feelings. I really do.’

  She hung up and smiled to herself, satisfied that she had done the right thing. She poured herself a glass of water and decided to have a bath. Soon the bathroom was steamed up and the air was scented with sweet frothy bubbles. She sank into its delicious warmth and closed her eyes. She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she was aware of was the sound of the intercom buzzer chivvying her awake. She got out of the bath and put on her robe before approaching the intercom.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Lizzie. It’s me. Alex.’

  She smiled to herself. ‘Push the door. I’ll buzz you up.’ Ideally, she would have liked to be wearing something more fetching than a bathrobe but when she saw him making his way up the stairs towards her, she didn’t care any more.

  He reached the top of the stairs and stopped. ‘I got your message,’ he said, staring deep into her eyes. There was a split second before they kissed and something clicked in Lizzie’s mind. This was it. This was the time to reach out and allow herself to be happy. As their lips touched, she felt as if her life were falling into place, like planets aligning, like the world as it was meant to be. It was whole and new and perfect.

  When they pulled away, he gave her a look of such tenderness, caressing her hair and studying her face. ’You look beautiful,’ he said.

  Lizzie laughed. ‘Remind to wear my bathrobe more often.’

  ‘I’ll do that,’ said Alex with a smile. ‘Now would it be okay if I came in? I’d really like to celebrate Valentine’s Day with my girlfriend,’ he added.

  ‘Yes that would be okay. In fact that would be really quite fine,’ she beamed, standing back to let him in through the door.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Late February

  As Lizzie drove along the winding country lanes towards Smallchurch, she wondered if this was what falling in love felt like. The past few weeks had been what could only be described as a whirlwind. Lizzie understood what people meant when they said that they had been swept off their feet. Her whole body felt weightless, as if she was floating in a swimming pool, relaxed and carefree.

  Bea was no longer the first person she thought of when she woke in the morning but it didn’t mean that her sister had been replaced. She was the backbone to everything and Lizzie often wondered what she would make of her relationship with Alex. She had played a key role in their break-up but that was during her teenage years when she needed protection. Lizzie thought about that fragile version of herself. She hardly recognised her these days but she would have liked to go back and embrace her and tell that everything would be okay one day.

  Similarly, Alex Chambers was a very different being to the boy she’d thought she loved as a teenager. She wondered if she’d always loved him and if this love had merely been on hold during the years when she felt nothing apart from hurt, but she could see that this was a different kind of love. She hadn’t voiced these feelings yet. It seemed too premature. They hadn’t slept together yet either. It was as if they were being careful not to move too quickly or to push too soon; fearful of what had happened before and determined to get things right this time.

  They had continued with their Sunday dates visiting art galleries, cafes, parks and cinemas. Lizzie relished his company. He was interesting and knowledgeable; they liked similar books, he introduced her to different music and they discovered new films together. During their walks in the park, she would feel him reach for her hand and it was gestures such as these that made her love this new version of herself. It was new and exciting and wonderful.

  They talked about everything; the past, the present, their hopes and dreams. Lizzie felt as if she was unburdening her soul. The only topic which didn’t seem to engage Alex so readily was Bea. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to discuss her; he would let Lizzie talk and made appropriate comments or gestures. She supposed he was letting her unload and didn’t want to intrude. This was typical of him. He was considerate at every turn; a gentleman in every sense of the word.

  Lizzie was driving over to see him today, although taking a detour to Sam and Joe’s on the way. It would be the first time she had visited his flat and there was an air of expectation about it. She had caught herself taking time over her selection of underwear today and reaching for the razor in the shower. She pretended she wasn’t thinking about it but occasionally she felt a shot of longing deep inside her body. Their kisses had become increasingly passionate and on Alex’s last visit to her flat, he had gently cupped her head in his hands and stared into her eyes. ‘I so dearly want to make love to you, Lizzie, but I want you to tell me when.’ Part of her had wanted it to happen right then, but another part of her; the Lizzie of old, had exerted control.

  ‘I will,’ she said weakly. He had smiled and stroked her face.

  ‘I can wait,’ he replied.

  She smiled to herself as she neared the town. It was a bright sunny day, the air as crisp as an apple, the earth filled with promise of new life as shoots prodded their way into the light. She spied the odd burst of daffodils at the side of the road, nodding their heads towards the sun. Everything seemed brimming with expectation and hope. She was looking forward to seeing Sam and Joe as well. She talked to Sam regularly on the phone but as he told her, ‘It’s not the same as seeing you face to face.’ She had arranged to have lunch with them before going over to see Alex. She supposed that this was what normal people do on Sundays and felt another surge of happi
ness to be part of the real world.

  She pulled into the drive of Joe and Sam’s house and switched off the engine. She could see Sam’s face at the window. He was sticking out his tongue and she grinned and waved at him. As she approached the house, she heard him shout from within.

  ‘I’ll get it,’ he cried, flinging open the door victoriously.

  ‘Hello, Sam,’ said Lizzie, stepping into the hallway. ‘How are you?’

  ‘Fine,’ said Sam in the non-committal tone of youngsters the world over.

  Joe appeared on the stairs. ‘Lizzie!’ he cried with a smile. ‘It’s great to see you.’ He hugged her with his customary warmth.

  Lizzie felt a wave of sisterly affection for him. ‘It’s good to see you two too!’

  ‘Well it’s been a bit too long since you visited,’ said Sam accusingly.

  ‘Sammy!’ scolded Joe.

  ‘No, he’s right. I have been a very bad aunt but I’m all yours for the next few hours.’

  ‘Yessss!’ cried Sam victoriously, pulling his hand into a fist. ‘I’m going to set up the Wii, okay?’

  ‘You’ll beat me at everything I expect,’ she grinned.

  ‘Well duh, obviously,’ said Sam, disappearing into the living room.

  ‘Would you like a coffee? There’s some in the pot,’ asked Joe.

  ‘That would be great,’ said Lizzie following him into the kitchen. The first thing that struck her was how messy everything was; the washing up from the last few days was sitting on the side, there was laundry waiting to go into the machine and more ready to go out on the line as well as piles of letters, documents and other papers heaped on the side.

  ‘Excuse the mess. I’m a bit behind with things,’ said Joe, pouring her a coffee. ‘Milk? Sugar?’

  ‘Just milk please,’ said Lizzie turning to face him. In the bright light of the kitchen, she was shocked at how pale Joe looked. Dark shadows swept beneath his eyes, which were bloodshot and milky with tiredness.

  ‘How are you?’ she asked with concern.

  ‘Oh I’m okay, you know. It never seems to get any easier but you’ve got to keep going, haven’t you? That’s what your mum tells me.’

  ‘You’re a bit different to Mum, if I may say so, Joe,’ said Lizzie with a smile. Her heart went out to him. Grief held you back if you let it.

  ‘Anyway,’ he said. ‘I’ve made a decision to sort through Bea’s things.’ He held up a roll of bin-bags.

  ‘Are you sure you’re ready to do that?’ she asked doubtfully.

  He looked unsure. ‘I think it’s what she would have wanted.’

  Lizzie was about to question him further when Sam called from the living room. ‘Auntie Lizzie! Are you coming or what?’

  Joe looked relieved at the interruption. ‘You go and see Sam, I’ll be upstairs.’

  Lizzie watched him leave the room, a hunched and defeated man, and felt her heart sink with sadness. She carried her coffee into the living room. Sam looked up as she entered. ‘Who do you want to be? I’ll let you be Funky Kong if you like. He’s awesome.’

  Lizzie smiled and took the controller. After Sam had beat her at racing cars, football and dancing, he sat back on the sofa with a grin. ‘You are such a loser, Auntie Lizzie,’ he declared.

  Lizzie laughed and reached over to tickle him. ‘And you are a cheeky boy,’ she replied. Sam giggled. It was such a happy and free sound that it almost made her sad because she wished Bea was still there to see them like this. ‘So how have you been?’ she asked when he had stopped laughing.

  ‘Fine,’ he said.

  ‘How’s school?’

  ‘Fine.’

  ‘Do you say anything other than, “fine”?’

  Sam grinned. ‘Fine?’

  This brought about another round of tickling and laughter. ‘Is your dad okay?’ asked Lizzie, watching his face carefully for a reaction.

  Sam shrugged and looked serious. ‘He doesn’t say much to me but I hear him sometimes at night.’

  ‘Doing what?’

  ‘Crying.’

  Lizzie felt a sudden desperate need to protect both Sam and Joe. ‘That must be really hard for you.’

  Sam shrugged again. ‘He misses Mum. Sometimes he lets me stay up really late. He says it’s our buddy time but I know it’s because he doesn’t want to be sitting downstairs on his own.’

  Lizzie could feel tears pricking at her eyes but blinked them back. They heard a noise upstairs; a muffled cry as if someone was upset but didn’t want anyone else to hear. Sam glanced ruefully at Lizzie. ‘Dad,’ he said quietly.

  Lizzie put a hand on Sam’s head. ‘You stay here and carry on playing. I’ll go and check he’s all right.’

  Sam nodded and immediately turned back to the television. Lizzie made her way up the stairs. She could see that the bedroom door was closed so she knocked first. ‘Joe? I just wanted to see how you were getting on?’ she said.

  ‘Come in,’ said a small voice, awash with grief.

  Lizzie opened the door and almost gasped as she saw Joe sitting on the bed, surrounded by every item of Bea’s clothes. They were scattered like the petals of a flower; a rainbow of colours, joyful and bright with a crushed and lonely man sitting in the middle of them, clutching at the material as if trying to hold on to the person who had once worn them. The contrast was devastating.

  ‘Oh Joe,’ she said, reaching out her arms to him. He accepted them gratefully like a child being comforted by its mother. Lizzie felt tears form in her own eyes as she held him and he sobbed.

  They stayed like this for a while until eventually Joe became calmer. ‘I can’t seem to move forwards,’ he whispered. ‘I thought things were supposed to get easier but if anything, they’re getting harder.’

  Lizzie held him by the shoulders and looked into his eyes. ‘Grief is a very personal thing. Everything takes time. I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself. And if you’re not ready to get rid of Bea’s clothes, then don’t do it. It’s no one’s business but yours. Never mind what Mum thinks or even what you suppose Bea might say. It’s up to you, Joe.’

  He stared at her with gratitude. ‘Thank you, Lizzie.’

  Lizzie smiled and looked at the pile of clothes on the bed. ‘Heavens, my sister had a lot of stuff, didn’t she?’

  Joe nodded. He picked up a coat that sat on top of the pile. It was as cosy as a duvet and a rich emerald-green colour. ‘She used to wear this on autumn walks with Sam when he was younger. He would walk between us and we would take his hands, whirling him into the air and then he’d cry, “again, again, again”.’ He smiled at the memory and hugged the coat tightly in his arms before replacing it carefully on the bed. Lizzie watched his face. It was like observing someone wading through their grief, unable to find a way out. ‘Everything smells of her,’ he said quietly. ‘It’s like she’s still here in spirit but not in body and I can’t seem to get past that at the moment.’

  Lizzie reached out a hand and squeezed his shoulder. He gave her a grateful smile. ‘I knew you’d understand, Lizzie. You’re the only one who could really understand this,’ he said. ‘You see, I have literally no one to talk to. All the friends we had were Bea’s friends really. You know how she was – like a flame to their moths. People only talked to me because I was with her.’

  ‘I’m sure that’s not true,’ said Lizzie.

  Joe nodded sadly. ‘It is I’m afraid. And I can’t talk to Stella because she’s had so much to deal with already and she’s very – ’

  ‘Stoical?’ offered Lizzie diplomatically.

  ‘Yes,’ said Joe. ‘I suppose she is. And it’s difficult with my own parents – ’ He broke off and looked at Lizzie sheepishly. ‘Well to be honest, they didn’t really take to Bea.’

  Lizzie laughed. ‘I think that might be an understatement.’

  Joe smiled and nodded. ‘They blamed her for my moving down south and betraying my northern roots. I remember when we were getting married and Bea had decided that she would kee
p her name, my mother was so disappointed. I tried to talk to Bea but she just said, For fuck’s sake Joe, I can’t go under the name ‘Bea Goode’. I’d be a laughing stock at the firm.’

  ‘That sounds like Bea,’ said Lizzie with a knowing grin.

  Joe laughed and nodded. ‘People think that she told me what to do but the truth was we rarely disagreed. When Bea became pregnant with Sam, the decision as to who would go to work was easy. Bea loved her job, I didn’t and she earned more than me so it was a no-brainer. Plus I loved being at home with Sam – it felt like a privilege and I know Bea would have got itchy feet. My mum disapproved but then disapproving is something of a hobby for her.’

  ‘You were trailblazers,’ declared Lizzie.

  ‘Maybe,’ said Joe with a small smile. ‘I just don’t see why you would make life any more complicated than it needs to be.’

  There was a knock at the door. Lizzie looked at Joe. ‘I think that will be your mum. She heard you were coming over and sort of invited herself. I hope that’s okay?’

  Lizzie smiled. ‘It’s fine. Listen, why don’t you put these clothes into bags and we’ll put them in the loft for now? I’ll go down and see Mum. Give you a bit of time to get sorted.’

  ‘Thank you, Lizzie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.’

  ‘I haven’t really done anything but I am here for you if you need me. Here for you and Sam. You know that, don’t you?’ She hugged him again before going downstairs. Stella was already in the garden pegging out the washing.

  ‘Hi, Mum,’ said Lizzie approaching her. ‘How are you?’

  Stella glanced round at her and Lizzie got the feeling that something was bothering her. ‘Well to be honest, I’m feeling rather burdened at the moment,’ she said.

  ‘Oh,’ said Lizzie. ‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

  ‘Yes. Well, it would be nice to hear from you occasionally. That might help.’

  Lizzie glimpsed the Stella of old; judging and disappointed with what she saw. ‘You could call me,’ said Lizzie. She wasn’t about to let her mother get the upper hand. Stella looked surprised but said nothing. ‘Are you worried about Joe?’