Forever Her Hero

by Belle Calhoune

  He’d seen it all in her eyes. And it had nearly gutted him. The guilt and the pain. The nagging doubts. When she’d voiced her pain about having not being a good wife, he’d felt as if all the air had been pushed out of his lungs. It killed him to see her judge herself so harshly. He couldn’t bear to hear her take the blame for all of Billy’s failings. Perhaps if he’d come clean two years ago about his fight with Billy, she wouldn’t be blaming herself. Maybe then she’d have shifted the blame squarely on his shoulders and off her own. But he hadn’t known. He’d had no clue she’d been holding herself responsible. He was still having trouble wrapping his head around the fact. The irony was shocking. They were both holding themselves accountable for his death.

  There was no way to go back and undo the decisions he’d made. At this point he had no other choice but to act. Even though he’d always rejected the hero label, the title had still been attached to his name. Sawyer Trask. Hero. Like it or not, it was part of his identity. It wasn’t heroic to allow Ava to spend another minute of her life wondering about Billy’s last hours. It wasn’t noble to let her continue to beat herself up over fault. Blame. Guilt.

  Last night he’d tossed and turned for hours, replaying the conversation with her over and over again in his head. And despite the fact that he’d made peace with his cousin’s death, he needed to see Ava through that process. He wouldn’t rest until she was fully healed. And if getting answers about the night Billy died provided closure, then it was a no-brainer. There wasn’t a single doubt in his mind of what he needed to do, even though it might prove to be one of the hardest conversations of his life.

  As the sun crested over the horizon, a fiery burst of color against a backdrop of pink and purple sky, Sawyer stood on the parapet and greeted the dawn like an old friend. Ava merited love and devotion and honesty. She deserved to be with someone who would put her above everything else. In the deepest regions of his heart, he believed those thing would heal her heart. More than he’d ever wanted anything in his life, he wanted to be the person to give her all those wonderful things. There was so much at stake—her happiness, her future, the children’s well-being. The time had come to tell the truth, because the way he felt about her left him no other choice. Ava deserved the very best things in life, and he wanted to be the one to give them to her. Please, God, he prayed, let this road I’m traveling be a path toward new beginnings.

  * * *

  Ava sat at her kitchen table, up to her elbows in papers, pencils and folders. Her computer sat next to her, the screen displaying a lovely beach landscape with her name written across the top. Since she was totally revamping her business plan, she’d decided to come up with a new name, as well. Occasions. It was simple yet elegant. Hopefully it would tell potential clients something about her outlook on life. Despite the personal setbacks she’d suffered over the past few years, she still believed in celebrating life’s grand occasions with family and friends. Memories could be cherished for a lifetime.

  Last night Sawyer had been so encouraging about her reestablishing her party business, it had lit a fire within her. His belief in her made her think she could climb mountains. For the past two hours she’d been ordering business cards, creating a new website and brainstorming ideas. Instead of paying rent for an office in town, she could transform the small, spare bedroom upstairs into a workspace. And to create a little buzz, she could host a relaunch party. Excitement pulsed in the air as ideas came to her fast and furiously.

  She had Sawyer to thank for getting her energized and hopeful. His return from Africa had been her catalyst for change. So much had changed since his return. It seemed that no matter how long they’d gone without speaking, they were able to pick up where they’d left off. They connected. She’d told him things about her life with Billy she’d never divulged to a single soul. And he’d listened to every word, serving as the sounding board she so needed.

  The kids were spending the morning at the aquarium with their grandparents. Although she liked having some time to herself, the house took on a different quality without the kids bustling around. At times the silence was deafening. She was accustomed to little voices constantly chattering, whether it was a lively conversation or a sibling squabble. A sudden knock at the back door provided a welcome distraction from the solitude.

  She opened the door to find Sawyer standing there, looking casual in a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. “Hey. Good morning. I didn’t expect to see you so bright and early.” Her voice registered her surprise. She held up her mug of coffee. “Would you like some? I just brewed a pot.”

  He held up a hand. “No, I’m good. Ava, there’s something we need to talk about. I would have done this last night, but with Dolly and Casey home—”

  “Uh-oh. What have the twins been up to now?” Her tone was teasing, designed to make Sawyer smile. She loved his joyful spirit and the way the lines around his mouth creased whenever he grinned. The somber look on his face caused a trickle of panic to skitter along her spine.

  He grimaced. “I wish this was as simple as that.”

  She reached out and laced her hands through his as a gesture of comfort and solidarity. Whatever was going on, they could deal with it together. She was going to support him now as he’d always supported her.

  “What is it? You’re scaring me.” She could hear the thudding of her heart.

  “It was tough last night hearing you blame yourself for Billy’s death. For weeks now I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you something I should have told you a long time ago.” She watched as he shoved his hands into his pockets and rocked back on his heels.

  “I need to tell you about the night Billy died.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “Sawyer, what is this all about?” Her brain felt fuzzy. Somehow she felt as if she wasn’t connecting the dots. He looked so grim and serious, as if the world as he knew it was coming to an end. “What do you need to tell me?”

  “The night Billy died, he came by the shop and we got into it.” His tone was clipped. There was no hint of his usual warm and fuzzy vibe. His eyes were wide and a tremor danced along his jaw.

  All she could do was repeat his words back to him. “Got into it?”

  “We had a pretty bad argument.” The words reverberated in her ears.

  “I didn’t know that. Why—why didn’t I know that?” A puzzled feeling swept over her. “Wh-what did you fight about?”

  “He was supposed to come by the shop that morning. By the time he showed up, it was dark outside. I was upset with him because he’d been shirking his duties for weeks. He’d been drinking, Ava. I could smell it on his breath. You know how Billy could be sometimes. He said some things about my wanting to be your husband. Crazy stuff.”

  The words coming out of his mouth packed quite a punch.

  “What? Why—why would he have said that? That doesn’t make any sense.” Ava’s mouth felt dry and her hands were trembling. Her limbs felt like rubber bands.

  Sawyer’s gaze remained locked on hers, but he stayed silent. A thick tension hung in the air.

  “What did you say to him?”

  “I told him he was out of line.” The creases around his mouth were born of tension and strain. He didn’t look like himself. Instinctively, she knew there was more he wasn’t saying. She’d known Sawyer for too long and too well not to see the telltale signs. There was something he was holding back. And she knew it wasn’t good.

  Without hesitation she advanced toward him, her movements full of purpose. They were now standing so close they could feel each other’s breath on their faces. “Is that all?” she pressed him. “Tell me. I need to know.”

  A muscle twitched by the corner of his mouth. “I told him he was right,” he admitted. “I told him I’d thought of being your husband, that he hadn’t been treating you and the kids as he should have...that I would have treated you be
tter.”

  Suddenly her legs felt as if they might give out on her. They felt as rubbery as hot noodles. Her hand reached out to grab the kitchen counter. If not for that, she might have lost her balance.

  “You had no right to say those things!” she spit out.

  “He was my cousin, Ava. We’d butted heads many times before. I know it sounds bad, but we were used to being open and honest with each other. I had no way of knowing—”

  “No! No! My husband went out on the water because of that argument. It’s what he always did when he was upset. You know that! And he was legally drunk at the time of the accident—that’s what the autopsy stated.”

  Although part of her felt a stab of sympathy for the ravaged look on his face, another part of her wanted to lash out at him.

  “He was an alcoholic. He didn’t drink because of our argument. Or because of you. Or losing his job or the pressure. They may have added some strain, but he drank because he couldn’t not drink.”

  He stroked his chin with his hand. His eyes were stormy with emotion. “And he didn’t get in that boat because of me. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with that, but as a father and a husband, Billy made choices that night. That doesn’t make him a bad person...he had a disease, Ava. It simply made him human.”

  She raised her finger and stabbed it in his direction. “You...stop it!” she growled. “You have no right to say these things about him. Don’t try to paint him as this...sick, damaged person. He was a good father and he loved us. He loved me.” The tears were flowing freely now and she didn’t bother to wipe them away. She was in so much pain and feeling very vulnerable. How could Sawyer be saying these terrible things to her about Billy? Didn’t he know he was putting a dagger in her heart?

  Sawyer let out a groan. “Billy was an amazing person. From the time we were little he was my own personal hero. My older cousin who could do everything better and faster. There was nothing Billy couldn’t do as far as I was concerned. He was everything to me.” He let out a ragged breath. “I know how much he loved you. He wore it on his sleeve every day of his life. I’m not trying to take anything away from you, from what you shared. You and the kids were his world.” He reached out and placed his hands on her shoulders, looking deeply into her eyes. His own looked wounded and turbulent. Raw pain was etched on his face.

  “But Billy had problems long before the two of you ever started dating. He had DUIs in college and he was arrested for drunk and disorderly.”

  She winced as he listed Billy’s transgressions. The words were going round and round in her head like a merry-go-round. All she wanted was for him to stop talking so she could find a quiet corner and think. What she really needed was a few minutes to catch her breath.

  “I’m not trying to slam him. Don’t you see what I’m trying to say? This wasn’t about you or me or his family. It was about his illness.”

  She pushed his hands away from her, using more force than was necessary. “This conversation feels so disloyal to Billy. He’s not here to defend himself. That’s so unfair to him.” She took a deep breath and stood up straight. Despite the hurt, she could handle this. She was strong, she reminded herself. She’d endured way worse than this betrayal. “I’d like you to leave, Sawyer.”

  “This doesn’t change anything between us. What we feel. What we’ve been building toward.” Sawyer’s voice was gentle and soothing. He reached out and brushed his knuckles against her cheek, his touch as light as a feather. She steeled herself against how good his touch felt, knowing Sawyer had crossed a line with her that couldn’t be undone. It was confusing to be so angry at him, yet still want to be soothed by his tender touch.

  “You’re just scared. Frightened by what you’re feeling. Terrified of loving another person who might leave you. But I’m not going anywhere. Never again.”

  His words were filled with so much comfort and the promise of brighter days. She wanted to forgive him his lie of omission. Part of her ached to run toward him and find shelter in the comfort of his healing embrace. But she couldn’t. Because at this moment she felt as if she were still Billy’s wife, still tied to him like an anchor. Who was she if she wasn’t Mrs. Billy Trask? What would it say about her if she moved on to another man? Billy’s cousin, no less. Her feelings for Sawyer made her feel guilty, unfaithful. Even though Billy had died, she was still his wife, wasn’t she? The mother of his children?

  “Please leave,” she begged. There were too many confusing thoughts running around in her head. She didn’t know what to think or feel. She was beginning to feel numb. Hot tears streamed down her face. She swiped them away as a cold anger swept through her.

  “Please don’t ask me to leave. Let’s just talk this out. I wasn’t trying to hide this from you. Don’t you see, Ava? I was dealing with my own grief, my own shame. For a long time I’ve been blaming myself, just like you. What I really believe is that these feelings of guilt are tied up in loss and grief.”

  “I don’t want to hear any more of this! Go! Now! Before the children come back home,” she pleaded. “I can’t even bear to look at you right now!” Her voice rang out sharp and strident in the stillness of the kitchen.

  “I’ll go,” he answered in a quiet voice. “But first you need to know something. I made a promise to Billy about looking after Casey and Dolly. I intend to keep that promise.”

  Ava put her face in her hands and began sobbing. Despite her vow to be strong, she felt as if she’d plunged back into mourning. Her faith in Sawyer had been absolute. Now it was shattered. Irreparable damage had been done to their relationship. Yet again, she had to deal with a staggering loss. Seconds later she heard the back door close with a firm click, and she knew Sawyer had honored her wishes. He was gone. Instead of feeling happy that he’d left, she felt numb.

  She sagged against the kitchen counter, feeling as if all the life had been drained out of her. A feeling of sorrow swept over her, and she struggled to hold it together. The kids would be returning from their outing soon, and the last thing she wanted them to witness was their mother falling apart. They’d already seen too much of it in the past few years. Their lives should be filled with joy and exploration, not sadness and uncertainty.

  She looked around at her empty house. There was such a void now that Sawyer was gone, as well as an ache in her heart that time wouldn’t be able to heal. His positive energy had always infused her house with light and warmth and love. He was embedded in her heart right along with all her childhood memories. Just as she was beginning to believe in second chances, life had stepped in and given her a reality check. There wouldn’t be any happy ending for her and Sawyer. The chasm between them was too wide to cross, and the trust she’d placed in him had been fractured beyond repair.

  * * *

  Sawyer had barely slept a wink last night. He’d tossed and turned for hours, replaying over and over again in his mind the events of earlier that day. It had taken every ounce of his will to make himself leave Ava’s cottage. He’d wanted to stay and plead his case, to convince her of his sincere regret. But he knew she wasn’t ready to hear anything he had to say. She was stuck. Entrenched in her belief that someone was responsible for Billy’s death, she’d chosen to place the blame at his feet. And even though it stung bitterly to have Ava think so poorly of him, a part of him understood. Two years after Billy’s death she was still trying to make logical sense out of a senseless tragedy. Somehow, Ava believed if she could put the pieces of the puzzle together it would all make sense. She hadn’t figured out yet that there were some things in life without explanation.

  Sharp, savage pain speared through him as he remembered all the harsh words she’d thrown at him. It flooded over him in unrelenting waves. Seeing Ava in that terrible state had been agonizing. She’d looked at him as if he were a monster. As if she didn’t know him at all. That’s what hurt the most. It was as if everything that had
come before now ceased to exist. Their past—their lifelong friendship—was in tatters.

  As it was, he was barely holding up, wanting nothing more than to hide away and lick his wounds in private. And he was wounded. Badly. He felt as if he’d been run over by a truck. All day he’d been going through the motions—a full day at work, a few errands and now this quick stop at his parents’ house. They’d asked him to swing by and take a look at their outdoor grill that had been giving them problems. When he arrived at their house he’d instantly spotted Uncle Troy’s car parked in the driveway. The foursome was having a cookout tonight and enjoying a lazy summer evening. It was amazing how life could go on as usual when he was so torn up inside.

  He just wanted to get in and fix the grill, then get out as quickly as possible. After greeting everyone he made his way outside to the patio and began tinkering with the grill. In a matter of minutes he’d solved the problem.

  “Cookout crisis averted,” he muttered as he turned on the burner and saw flames come roaring to life. The sound of footsteps hitting the stone patio echoed in the silence. He turned around, coming face-to-face with his uncle. A brief tension hung in the air as they eyeballed each other. It didn’t take a genius to figure out something was up.

  Finally, Uncle Troy spoke. “I owe you an apology, son.”

  Sawyer studied Uncle Troy without uttering a single word. He didn’t have a clue what he was talking about, nor was he really in the mood for guessing games. His heart was bruised and battered. Everything was a little out of focus at the moment. Although he loved and respected his uncle, nothing could be as earth-shattering as what had happened between him and Ava. Not a single thing could be as important.

  “I had no right to say those things to you last year.” He cleared his throat. “About you and Ava. I was out of line for telling you to stay away from her.” He scratched his bald head. “It’s pretty clear to me it was one of the reasons you left for Sierra Leone. I’ve felt very guilty about that.”