Defiant Ecstasy

by Janelle Taylor

  As other men came forward to speak with Running Wolf, Gray Eagle watched Alisha as she sedately slipped from the group and returned to her teepee. Gray Eagle’s gaze roved to the eyes of his father, who was grinning knowingly as he noted the look on his son’s face as he watched her departure.

  He spoke alertly, “My son, you look as if you see some secret in the undoing. I say there is a cunning fox loose here.” Their eyes locked as they laughed.

  Shortly, they all came to the teepee of Mahpiya Sapa to eat and rest for a time. The men sat around on the buffalo skins as they ate, talked and smoked. It had not been long since she had eaten and was not hungry. She made a point to sit as far from Gray Eagle as possible. She sat very near to Black Cloud, just like a loving daughter.

  Every so often, her father would turn to her and gaze into her lovely face and smile proudly and tenderly. The old man’s happiness reached out to her and she could not resist returning each smile.

  Once, as he was speaking with Running Wolf, he touched her cheek in tenderness and said, “At last I have found the sunlight of my old heart. I thank Napi for returning her to me, if only to be taken away so soon by your eager son.”

  Alisha took the wrinkled hand in hers and squeezed it affectionately and smiled as tears sparkled in her eyes. For a time, she was almost sorry she was not his Shalee and could not remain here as his beloved daughter.

  For some reason, her attention was drawn to Gray Eagle. He was grinning like the Cheshire cat, a secret, mocking smile lighting his jet eyes.

  In anger and fear, she lowered her eyes and hands to her lap and inwardly fumed, damn him! What right does he have to mock my emotions and actions? He is surely enjoying this little game of secrets and taunts. Well, soon he will be the one left holding the bag! For once, I will be the victor in our battles! She could not suppress a spiteful, smug grin to herself, which he saw and recognized.

  She must find some opportunity to speak with Powchutu and be certain all was set for tonight. If anything went wrong now ...

  She stood up and walked outside to get some fresh air and to get out of sight of that constant, mocking stare. How she would dearly love to slap it right off his handsome face! She laughed, then paled, imagining his expression and reaction if she had dared to do it.

  In this last battle, my love, it will be Alisha who is the champion. No more will you taunt and torture me with your love and kisses or your cold, cruel withdrawals. No more will you use me like some slave or trollop. At last, I will be free to be myself once more, to know happiness and joy in my heart and life, to not feel shame and torment by your actions.

  Free, she thought. Tonight, I will be free ...

  She walked along the river bank to a rocky, shallow spot. Removing her moccasins and holding them in her hand, she waded in the stream as she had done so often as a child. She giggled as the water splashed and tickled her feet and ankles. She nudged smooth, round pebbles with her toes and made little whirlpools with a pointed toe. She threw back her head and filled her lungs with fresh air. She let her face soak up the warm sunlight. Her heart had not been this relaxed and light in days. With the final decision made to leave him forever, a great weight had been lifted from her spirits. It was done, and there was no turning back now ...

  She crossed the stream and began to wander through the meadow, picking colorful, fragrant wildflowers. She danced along to a lilting waltz heard only inside her head. Soon, she sat down, weaving the flowers into a coronet for her hair. She playfully mused, all princesses should have a coronet to wear on their wedding day. She found herself humming a love ballad she used to sing and play for her father. She began to sing the words to it in a silvery voice which rivalled the angels:I drink from your love as flowers from the rain;

  I touch you like the sun upon the lane;

  I kiss you as the sun would kiss the dew;

  I am filled with love for only you ...

  Alisha had lowered her head as she worked on the coronet. Then she lifted the fragile ring to her nose to smell its intoxicating aroma. Legs stepped before her eyes and she raised her head to see who it was. The bright sunlight was at his back and she could not make out his features. Her small hand went up to her eyes to shield them from the harsh, brilliant light and to make out the face before her. She should have guessed. Wanmdi Hota had come to check on his missing bride!

  He held out his hand to her and said, “Ku-wa, Lese.”

  Without a thought to resistance, she took it and he helped her up. To her surprise, he went down on one knee and began to place her moccasins back on her feet. When he lifted her petite foot by her slender ankle to pull the slipper on, she had to place her hands upon his bare shoulders to steady her balance. How good it felt to touch him and share a moment of kindness.

  Before he could rise after he had finished, she impishly placed the floral coronet on his head and said, “For your kind help, Sir, I crown you, Ruler of My Heart.”

  He stared at her with narrowed eyes, trying to decide if she were serious or if she mocked him. Seeing his chilling expression, she reached up and tore the flowers from his head. She threw them to the ground and angrily and spitefully crushed them beneath her feet. “That was a stupid, silly thing to do anyway! What would you know about kings or hearts or even love?” She fought to hold back the tears which glistened on her thick black lashes.

  He reached for her hand to take her back to camp, but she angrily jerked it away and hurried on ahead of him. Within a couple of long, easy strides he overtook her and swung her around to face him. She refused to look at him. He seized her trembling chin in his hand and forced it up, making her meet his gaze.

  He bitterly thought, once more I have hurt you, Cinstinna, without meaning to. He gently wiped away her tears with his fingertips and caressed her cheek.

  She glared at him in confusion and asked, “How can you be so cold and cruel one minute, then so tender and warm the next? I shall never understand you, Wanmdi Hota, for it is too late to try.”

  He bent forward and brushed a light kiss across her cheek. It caused her knees to weaken and a quickening in the depth of her loins. How could his touch have such a devastating effect on her? She stared up into his face longingly, knowing she would never feel his love again. The pain which ripped through her surfaced in those somber, green eyes. He flinched at what he was being forced to put her through. But it will not be for much longer, Cinstinna.

  This was the moment to tell him good-bye. Her two hands went up to his face and caressed his cheeks, then went around the back of his neck to pull his head forward. She slowly went up on her tiptoes and pressed close to him, hesitating to see if he would push her away at the last moment. He did not and their lips fused in a searing kiss. His arms instantly went around her and crushed her to him, each putting their all into their kiss. The sky could have fallen and they would not have known it.

  Alisha weakly pulled away when the kiss was over. She gazed into his smoldering eyes and whispered, “You will never know how very much I love you.” She smiled faintly as she added, “At least you did want me as a woman.”

  He took her hand and led the way back to the village. He left her at the entrance to her teepee and walked away. She stood watching him until he had disappeared into another teepee not far away. He could feel the heat from her gaze piercing him like a hot knife. She turned and went inside her teepee to find Powchutu waiting for her.

  He told her it was time for her to prepare for the coming ceremony. She hardly heard a word he was saying, for her mind was still back in the meadow.

  Powchutu’s stem voice fought for her full attention, “Alisha! You’re not listening!”

  She whirled around to face him, noting the frantic, worried look on his face. “What is wrong, Powchutu? Is there some problem about the plans? Why are you so upset?”

  Should he tell her about the talk he had recently had with Gray Eagle? Would it only add to her fretting and fear? Seeing his hesitation and unwillingness to go on, she a
sked, “What did he say to you? I would guess he has told you something which has panicked you.”

  He looked at her with guilt and amazement. “So, I’m right! What was it? Tell me this instant!” she demanded.

  “I fear you might be right, Alisha. He certainly knows a lot more than I thought or realized. Like you said before, it’s not so much what he says, but how he says it and how he looks. Those expressions and hints have me plenty worried. He came to me to ask where you had gone. I told him out for a walk. He lifted his eyebrows in mockery and said, ‘Yes, she would never be so foolish as to try to escape from me again.’ He muttered something about ‘old scars and hurts would heal with time and many things could be forgotten.’”

  “Perhaps you misunderstood his meaning, Powchutu. He could have been referring to my back and treatment.”

  He quickly disputed her reasoning. “But then, he began to talk about Matu and of how happy she was to be home. He commented on how lucky she was to have seen and recognized the akito. But his last words were the most alarming, Alisha. He said he had been deceived many times before, but would never accept lies or deceit from anyone again, especially someone as close to him as his wife!”

  Her face went ghostly white and she swayed at the impact of the apparent meaning of his words. Powchutu caught her and steadied her. “Alisha, are you all right? You’re as white as the clouds. Surely this comes as no surprise. Isn’t this what you already believed?”

  “To assume something is real or true is one thing, but to know for certain it is, that is something entirely different. I had hoped I was wrong. I had hoped I could get away before he learned of it.”

  Recalling the scene from the meadow, she asked, “How can he even stand to touch me or look at me now? How will he ever force himself to join with me tonight knowing I am wasichu and I am living a lie? How can I possibly face him and go through with this farce now?”

  “You will because you must! He will do nothing here. He will surely wait to return to his village. We will go on with our plans as before. He will know why you have fled him and perhaps he will not come after you. Perhaps he will be satisfied to pretend you ran from him in fear, became lost, and were killed by some wild animal. Perhaps he will allow you to go unharmed, but never stay here alive. He will look at you and touch you tonight as wasichu, just as he has done all the other times knowing what you are. He will join with you because he will know he must to save face! He knows you would not dare deny you are Shalee, so his honor will be safe. You seem to forget who is in the wrong here, Alisha. You forget who is good and who is evil.”

  She pondered on his words for a time, suddenly recalling what he had said before. “He’s been deceived! Surely he jests! I have never deceived him until now, and his hatred and brutality force me to do it this time. He is the liar, the trickster, and betrayer at every turn. Not I! He dares to hold me to blame for his cruelty and treachery, for Matu’s ... oh-h-h ... he’s mad! Never again, Powchutu!”

  She looked at him and asked, “Could you guess what he is up to, or what he might do ... other than what you have assumed?”

  “No ...” he answered doubtfully. “He said he was going out to find you so you could prepare for the joining tonight, then he left.”

  Panic seized her for a moment. Prepare for tonight ... she nearly screamed at him, “He’ll blurt it out at the ceremony tonight, Powchutu, before I have the chance to flee! They’ll torture me and kill me! I know they will!”

  Powchutu grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her fiercely. “Quiet! Alisha. They’ll hear you and come to see what is wrong. Don’t be afraid. I won’t let them hurt you. If it comes to that, I’ll tell them you knew nothing of the akito or how it got there before I told you yesterday. All they’ll do is turn you back over to Wanmdi Hota as his captive again.”

  “They won’t believe us, Powchutu,” she cried out in terror.

  “Yes, they will, for I have always spoken the truth to them. They will trust my words. As I told you, he’ll wait until he gets you alone to kill or punish you. He will go through with this ceremony to save face. He would never wish it known you had tricked him. Think of the dishonor and humiliation of allowing a mere white girl and slave to deceive the mighty warrior Wanmdi Hota! No, he would not risk such a disgrace.”

  “You truly think he will go along with this joining to save his face and his honor, then kill me in secret later? But why would he want to kill me later? He would have his slave and there is no way I could harm or dishonor him.”

  In deliberate callousness for fear of losing her, Powchutu answered, “Yes, because he hates you and you have dared to trick him. He has tired of using you and trying to make you an obedient slave. He wishes to be done with you, and this is the best way to save his pride and have his revenge.”

  Alisha stared at him in total bereavement. She was dazed and besieged by doubts and fears. Heartbroken, she sadly asked, “He could hate me that much, Powchutu?”

  Powchutu had already thrust the knife in. Now, he brutally twisted it to kill any remaining love and trust she might feel for Gray Eagle. “Yes ...” was all he answered.

  She slowly sank to the ground and wept. Powchutu watched her for a few tormenting minutes, then murmured in Oglala, “I am truly sorry for this pain to your heart, my love. But it must be done to free you of Gray Eagle and the desire to stay. I fear the power his love has over you.” He turned and left.

  Gray Eagle clenched his fists in rage and fury. He had immediately come to Alisha’s teepee after she disappeared inside, knowing Powchutu was waiting for her. How dare he do this cruel thing to you, Cinstinna! he raged. He will pay dearly for this suffering to you! He will not be the one who follows you tonight. It is past the time for our talk! It has been too long in coming. I have allowed too many things to prevent it. But you must be away from here and any interference from anyone. You will be allowed to escape, but not to this East you speak of to Powchutu. We will meet in the far hills for this talk. You will learn of the secrets of my heart and life, as I have yours. He turned to go and talk with his father.

  Alisha finally stopped sobbing when all the tears and intense emotions were spent. She was mentally and physically exhausted. I must get ready for this joining of hate with love. I must pull myself together. I will not let him see the pain and hurt I feel at this final betrayal. She sadly prayed, give me the strength and courage to face him this one last time ...

  She gathered her things and walked to the cave in an trance-like state. She knelt by the pool and lightly flicked the water with her fingertips. Will it never be over? Will my heart ever feel joy again? I sometimes feel as if he has plunged a hot knife into my heart. It bleeds for his cruel love. Why did I ever fall in love with a man like him?

  “Oh Wanmdi Hota, why? If only I knew why ...” she murmured in total despair.

  He winced at the sadness and anguish in her tone. It ripped into his heart to hear and see her suffering so much. He was very worried about her state of fear, but hearing her now, he was more concerned about her despair. Soon you will know and understand everything, Cinstinna. He fought the intense urge to go in to her and confess all, but was certain she was not ready to believe and accept his words. It was most important to go through with the joining before he confronted her with the full truth. There was no guessing what her immediate reaction would be to his confession. He had come too close to truly having her to risk trouble now. The truth will be hard for her to accept after the damage Powchutu and my silence have done. She could expose this whole thing in a fit of anger and hurt. I dare not risk her life, or the life we can now have together.

  Woefully, he returned to the teepee where his father rested and waited for him. He cursed what his silence was costing them both.

  She undressed and slipped into the water. She scrubbed her hair and body roughly, as if she could remove the love it felt for him even now. “If only his love was as easy to wash away as dirt ...” she sighed softly. She softened the strokes and languishe
d in the cool, refreshing water. When she finished, she squeezed her hair dry and towelled off her body with a blanket. She put on the deerskin garment and went outside to sit upon the rocks to let the sun dry her hair. She refused to allow her mind to dwell on anything other than the beauty of the flower-filled meadow and the green hills not far away.

  When her hair was dry, she brushed it until it was shining and lay slightly curling at her breasts. She went back into the cave to gather her things and returned to her teepee. She laced the flap tightly to dress and be alone.

  Gray Eagle had bathed in the stream not far away and was now in the visitors’ teepee, also preparing for the coming event. He talked with his father, telling him of the events which had taken place while he had been away. He told him about his capture and of meeting this girl at the white fortress. He told him about how she had tried to help him and, in spite of himself, he had found himself wanting her. He told of the raid on their fortress later and of her capture. He spoke of her defiance and rebellion and of her attempt to escape. He spoke sadly and contritely of her beating and rescue by the cavalry. “I would never have forgiven myself if I had killed her, or ever been happy if I had not been able to get her back safely.”

  He told him of her acceptance and submission after the destruction of the fort. “But our truce was too short. Mahpiya Sapa came for her the very next day and took her away from me. She was hurt and confused. Until yesterday, she believed I had sold her for a slave. She was told then who she really is and why she was brought here.”

  He spoke of the challenge and the agreement to give Chela to Mato Waditaka in Shalee’s place. “She does not know I speak the wasichu tongue. The time for truth has not been right to tell her, or at least it seemed so. I had to wait until she accepted me and my ways before I went to her with open heart and truth. I was confused and alarmed to learn I loved and wanted a white girl over one of my own kind. It angered me to feel fear. And I feared the things this girl made me feel and think. I feared how much I wanted and needed her. I feared the happiness and light she brought to my heart and teepee. I feared keeping her, but more so losing her. But the Great Spirit has seen it in his way to give her to me for all time.”