Critical Failures V (Caverns and Creatures Book 5)

by Robert Bevan

  The elf smiled. “Excellent. It would appear the Zone of Truth is in working order.” He turned to Captain Righteous. “Is there something you want to say to the young lady?”

  Captain Righteous looked into Katherine’s eyes. “With every ludicrous word that comes out of your mouth, I inexplicably find myself more and more attracted to you.”

  Katherine had thought she couldn’t be more uncomfortable than she was right after the squirrel tail thing. She was mistaken.

  The elf frowned. “Perhaps a question? Something about her brother?”

  Captain Righteous’s panicked eyes regained their seriousness. “Is your brother the halfling pictured in the poster?”

  “Yes, he is,” said Katherine. “Now you know I’m telling the truth. Please don’t waste any more of my time asking me to explain it right now.”

  “Very well. But if you’re so worried about your brother, why would you lead me straight to him?”

  “Because I believe you have the means to get me to the Crescent Shadow, and because I have every intention of giving you the slip again once I’ve rescued him.” Katherine didn’t mind semi-voluntarily vomiting out these truths. The captain should expect that much from her, and this was his best shot at nabbing Tim.

  “My heart is torn between love and duty,” said the captain. “And I really want to get out of this house.”

  Katherine nodded vigorously. “Agreed.”

  The elf, Captain Righteous, and Katherine shuffled silently in single-file through the door like it was a fire drill.

  “Looks like rain,” said the captain, peering up into the cloudless expanse of blue sky.

  “Indeed it does,” said Katherine. Both of them breathed a sigh of relief.

  Bingam glanced up confusedly at the sky, then looked at his uncle. “That didn’t take long. What did you talk about?”

  “NOTHING!” said Captain Righteous and Katherine simultaneously.

  “Gildon,” Captain Righteous addressed the elf. “In the name of King Winston, I demand escort to the Crescent Shadow.”

  The elf nodded. “Yes, I thought you might.” He started walking and waved for them to come along. “Follow me to the stables.”

  Half an hour later they were up to their waists in pineapples in a giant wicker basket.

  “Must we fill the basket with pineapples?” Captain Righteous asked Gildon. “They are very uncomfortable to travel with, and we would like to waste as little time as possible.”

  Gildon continued to gesture for his farm workers to dump their sacks of pineapples into the basket. “We have the best chance of the Crescent Shadow coming this way if we offer the inhabitants a shipment of pineapples.”

  “Why can’t we just go to them?” asked Katherine.

  “Even unburdened, the pegasi would be unlikely to find the island before falling out of the sky from exhaustion and dehydration. The only way to get there is for them to come to us. The best way to make that happen is to offer them pineapples.”

  “They’re itchy!” whined Bingam. “Why can’t we just make the offer, then explain that we had to deceive them on account of this being an emergency?”

  Gildon glared severely down at Bingam. “The Druids of Minswater spread no falsehoods. And the wizards who inhabit the Crescent Shadow are valued customers. They pay triple what the Cardinian’s pay for produce.”

  “What’s a pegasi?” asked Katherine.

  Gildon pressed his lips together like he didn’t have time for her silly questions. “A pegasi is nothing. The word is the plural form of pegasus.”

  “Oh right. Like a winged horse?”

  Gildon raised his eyebrows down at her. “I don’t recommend you let them hear you refer to them as such while they’re carrying you five hundred feet above the ground.”

  “Oh shit, sorry.” Katherine knew that the next question out of her mouth was going to come off as another stupid one, but she needed to know if it was stupid because the answer was Of course! or Of course not! “So... they can talk?”

  “They have a language of their own,” said Gildon, surprisingly non-condescendingly. “They can’t speak like you or I can speak, but they understand much of our language. Sometimes more than they let on, so mind your tongue.”

  When the last sack was dumped, they were up to their chests in pineapples. Butterbean, being forced to lie naked on top of them in order to not be buried alive, had the worst of it until Captain Righteous offered what remained of his cloak as a cushion. Katherine was touched by the gesture, but kept her ‘thank you’ as formally polite as she could.

  The stable doors opened, and four pegasi strutted out toward the basket. Two were black, and two were white. Even folded up on their backs, their wings were enormous, boasting feathers as long as Katherine’s forearms. They were magnificent and proud creatures. Katherine was completely awed by them. She had to stop herself from objecting when two of those bearded elves strapped offensively ordinary-looking leather harnesses around their shoulders, backs, and bellies.

  A large steel ring hung from the bottom of the harnesses, identical to the large steel rings at the top of each corner of the basket they were standing in. Katherine’s guts twisted inside her as the realization of what was about to happen really hit home. She was about to be lifted into the air in a wicker basket by four goddamn flying horses. She really hoped they weren’t telepathic as well.

  “The Crescent Shadow says your offer pleases them greatly,” said a bearded elf younger than Gildon who’d just walked into the stable area through a curtain of grapevines. “They shall arrive momentarily.”

  Gildon nodded. “Excellent.” He stroked one of the black pegasi’s manes and fed it a carrot. “This is an extra special delivery, Darius. Slow and steady, understand?”

  The pegasus whinnied what Katherine hoped was a yes. He stretched his wings wide and looked eager to take flight. The others seemed restless and ready to go as well.

  “I’m having second thoughts,” said Katherine. “I don’t know if I love my brother this much. I think I want to get –”

  A sharp crack of thunder threatened to stop Katherine’s already overtaxed heart, and the sky suddenly grew darker.

  “What the fuck was that?” Painful as it was half buried in pineapples, Katherine turned around and stood on her tiptoes to peek over the lip of the basket. The barren landscape to the west, beyond the lush orchards, was bleak and featureless except for a wide round shadow. It looked like the opposite of a solar eclipse. A small circle of light at the edge of a larger circle of darkness.

  “The Crescent Shadow,” said Captain Righteous. He looked up. “I’ve never seen it in person before.”

  Katherine followed his gaze to see what was making the shadow. Though she’d already been told, she wasn’t prepared for something quite this amazing. It was breathtaking. It was glorious. It was... really fucking high up there.

  “Five hundred feet is a lot higher than I imagined. Fuck that. My brother’s a big boy. He can take care of himse– SHIT!”

  The two black pegasi started flapping at once each of them towing thirty foot long ropes connected to diagonally opposed corners of the basket, which jolted upward about a foot when the slack ran out.

  Katherine frantically started trying to dig herself out of her uncomfortable tropical tomb while pleading with the two white pegasi. “Please don’t go. Please don’t go. Please don’t – FUCK!”

  The white pegasi launched themselves into the air and flapped their massive wings hard. The basket jerked up again, then began to rise more steadily. It lifted out of the surrounding platform and that was that. They were officially in the air.

  “You look nervous,” said Captain Righteous.

  “No shit.”

  “Would you like to hold my hand?”

  Katherine grabbed the captain’s hand and squeezed it. The same logic that told her that these pegasi had probably hauled this giant fruit basket up to that flying island a thousand times without incident also told her
that holding Captain Righteous’s hand would provide her zero additional safety. And yet she was still terrified and desperately wanted something to hold on to.

  “Will you hold my hand too?” asked Bingam. Katherine hoped that he was talking to his uncle, but Captain Righteous was looking at her. Shit. She turned to Bingam, who had an equally terrified look on his face and his hand stretched out to her. He had some nerve, after the way he’d treated her. She had half a mind to tell him to stick his hand up his ass. But she accepted his plump sweaty meatglove.

  Her contempt for Bingam had just about fully distracted Katherine from her flying anxiety, but as soon as she took his hand, the basket started turning over. The top layer of pineapples rolled and collected in the corner opposite Katherine’s.

  “SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!” Katherine cried as the rolling pineapples piled closer and closer to the top of the dipping corner of the basket. “WE’RE GOING TO DIE!”

  “Please, Miss Katherine,” said Captain Righteous. “It’s just one of the pegasi conserving its energy by flying closer to the center. See?” He looked directly up.

  The black pegasus in the front was flying almost directly overhead, while the other three remained wide apart.

  Katherine looked back at the captain. “Conserving energy?”

  He smiled at her reassuringly. “We’re going to be fine. Though I may never use a sword again.”

  Katherine looked down at his hand, which she was squeezing the shit out of, but didn’t ease up on it in the slightest. “How is that conserving energy? It’s still carrying the same amount of weight.”

  “I’m afraid the technical aspects are beyond my ability to explain. Perhaps you can ask the pegasi once we land.”

  “I think I know more physics than a goddamn horse,” said Katherine. “And I think they’re just trying to fuck with us because they’re –”

  A large blob of grass-speckled shit splattered on the piled up pineapples in the corner.

  “That son of a bitch!” Katherine looked up as the basket started to even out again. The pegasus which had been ‘conserving its energy’ was now returning to its original place in the formation. “That was meant for me, wasn’t it?”

  “Gildon warned you that they don’t like to be called horses.”

  Katherine shouted at the pegasus who tried to shit on her. “You missed me, asshole!”

  The basket immediately started tilting again, and Katherine remembered her circumstances. She grasped at straws for a way to spin what she’d just said into something less offensive.

  “I was talking to your actual asshole, so there’s nothing to get offended about!”

  The pegasus neighed and started flying outward again. Katherine couldn’t believe that worked. She’d have to tell Julian about that feat of Diplomacy if she lived to see him again.

  Almost just as soon as the basket finished fully evening out, it began to tilt in the opposite direction. Katherine was losing altitude. Her corner was dipping now.

  “NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!”

  To make matters worse, all the pineapples that were piled up in the opposite corner were now barreling right at her.

  Because she’d apparently pissed off a vengeful god, those pineapples were now splattered in pegasus shit.

  “NO! NO! NO! NO! AAUUUGGGHHH!” She could have shielded herself from a significant amount of prickly shit-covered pineapple skin punching her in the face, but that would have involved letting go of her death grip on Captain Righteous’s and Bingam’s hands. She endured the pineapples.

  When the pegasus in Captain Righteous’s corner took its turn, the captain got a little green in the face, but held his shit together admirably, even if he did return Katherine’s hand squeeze to the point of nearly cracking her bones.

  Bingam’s turn was not so dignified. He slathered the pineapples near his face with vomit. Katherine suspected he’d probably also soiled the ones underneath with urine, but she couldn’t blame him. The only one who seemed to be calmly enjoying the ride was Butterbean, who seemed blissfully unaware that he was flying several hundred feet in the air as he rolled back and forth on a wave of pineapples.

  After a few more dips, swings, turns, and lurches, Katherine felt a small jolt from below. Something had jostled the basket. Katherine hoped that it wasn’t some angry-ass dragon or something. Not being able to see anywhere but straight up, she looked for a clue as to what was going on. The pegasi were tightening their formation, flying as closely as they could without batting their wings against each others’. It didn’t look like a defensive formation to Katherine, but she didn’t know shit about what a defensive formation was supposed to look like.

  The basket hung low beneath them, the four ropes it was suspended from hanging nearly vertical. And then Katherine saw the last thing in the world she expected to see. A tree branch. Unless this was the tallest fucking tree in the world, that had to mean they were close to solid ground.

  The basket jolted again, harder this time. It came to rest with a thud that really pushed the pineapple spikes hard through her cloak and into her skin. The pain was a price she was more than happy to pay for a safe landing.

  The ropes slackened as the pegasi descended to a landing platform very much like the one at the elf village five hundred feet below them.

  A group of humans and elves, all dressed in vividly colored robes, approached eagerly from all sides of the platform. They’re expressions faltered as they looked down into the basket. Their produce orders were no doubt usually cleaner and less infested with people and wolves than this one.

  “Hello,” said Katherine, which prompted no change in the puzzled looks on their faces. “Were you not expecting us?”

  “I was expecting you!” said a cheerful half-elf, peeking over the edge. He was dressed in sequined blue robes and a matching floppy hat. “As is your halfling friend!”

  “Tim! He’s here?” Katherine squeezed Captain Righteous’s hand again, then realized that she no longer needed to be holding it, and remembered his relationship to her brother. She let go of his hand.

  “He’s been eagerly awaiting you. Please follow me.”

  Bingam, naturally, was the first one out of the basket. Katherine was a little more surprised to see that Captain Righteous climbed out before she did. That was until he knelt and offered his hand to assist her. Even if he was actively trying to arrest her brother, Katherine thought a lot of guys back home could learn a lot from him. She accepted his offer with her right hand, and picked out a relatively clean pineapple with her left.

  The original greeting team busily got to their tasks of rinsing off and unloading pineapples.

  While Captain Righteous helped Butterbean out of the basket, Katherine walked over to Darius, the pegasus which had tried to shit on her head.

  “I’m sorry about that horse remark,” she said.

  Darius sighed through his nostrils.

  “I was scared. I didn’t mean anything by it. Even among other pegasi, you’re a beautiful creature. I want to thank you for taking care of us.” Katherine raised her hand to stroke his face, but waited for permission.

  He pressed his face against her hand and nickered softly.

  “I’ve got something for you.” Katherine held up the pineapple she’d swiped from the basket.

  Darius was clearly interested, but glanced back at the people unloading the rest of the pineapples.

  Katherine smiled. “Don’t worry. I stole it. You didn’t.”

  That was all the rationalization he needed, apparently. He bit into the fruit, his teeth tearing through the tough rind with ease.

  “Please hurry along, miss,” said the half-elf in the blue robes. “The halfling requires your assistance.”

  Katherine gave Darius’s nose a final rub, said a quick goodbye, and followed the half-elf out of the pegasus landing and into a luxuriously lit corridor lined with smooth white granite. “Is he okay?”

  “He’s quite well, miss. Just in a spot of legal trou
ble.”

  “I can believe that,” said Captain Righteous, but there was no hint of pleasure in his tone. He was still torn.

  Katherine didn’t want to use his feelings for her as leverage, but she felt she owed him her sincerity. “I appreciate you helping me, but I want you to know it’s every man for himself from here on out. I don’t want to fight you, but I didn’t come all this way for you to arrest my brother.”

  Captain Righteous gave a small nod as he continued looking and walking forward.

  The half-elf stopped and sniffed the air. He turned around and grimaced in Katherine’s direction. “Perhaps you’d like to freshen up before we proceed?”

  “Yes!” said Bingam. Katherine and Captain Righteous nodded politely.

  The half-elf turned a corner and led them into a large circular room lined with doors at the far end. Each door had a glowing stone above it. All glowed green but the two on the far left, which glowed red. “This is the lavatory chamber. You will find everything you need inside. Running water, chamber pots...” His smile flickered when his eyes landed on Katherine. “Soap.”

  “This is pegasus shit, just so you know.” As soon as she said it, she realized he might have been referring to the bladeblack.

  “Feel free to use any of the green-lit rooms. The red light means it’s occupied.”

  Bingam hurried to a green-lit door, slipped inside, and shut the door behind him. A few seconds later, the light above the doorway changed from green to red.

  “You are most generous, sir,” said Captain Righteous. He stepped into a room, and the light above his door changed colors shortly afterward.

  “That’s really cool,” said Katherine. She led Butterbean into one of the unoccupied rooms. It was the first bathroom she’d found in this world that wasn’t completely primitive by her modern standards. Most of them were just a hole in the floor. But this had what appeared to be an actual sink with a faucet. There were no knobs, but there was a chain hanging from the ceiling. She gave it a tug.