Critical Failures V (Caverns and Creatures Book 5)

by Robert Bevan

  The entire bathroom disappeared around her, leaving behind a steel cage about the size of two refrigerators. A breeze blew through the bars. All sides but the one she’d walked in through were exposed to the outside. The bars making up the floor of the cage were closer together than the bars making up the walls and ceiling, but five hundred feet of open space was clearly visible between herself and the desert ground below. She was on the underside of the Crescent Shadow.

  “What the fuck?” Katherine turned around. The door was still there, unnaturally smooth and white against its rough stone surroundings. She tried the handle, but the door didn’t budge. It didn’t even rattle. It was as though it wasn’t even a door, but merely the form of a door carved into the rock and painted white.

  Suddenly, with a loud mechanical churning sound from above, the door handle began to rise in her hands. No, that wasn’t quite right. Taking in the larger picture, it became clear that she was being lowered.

  What also became clear was that the side of her cage facing the door had no bars at all. There was nothing on that side to keep her and Butterbean from splattering all over the desert floor. She let go of the handle like she just realized it was a snake.

  As the cage continued to descend, Katherine pressed her back against he barred wall opposite the open lack of wall and kept her left arm wrapped tight around Butterbean as she kept her right hand gripped on one of the bars.

  Wanting to look any way but down, she looked left and right. There were chains on either side of her. Following one of them down about twenty feet, she saw that it ended supporting a cage identical to the one she was descending in. The same was true for the cage on her other side.

  When her cage reached the level of the others, it stopped. Captain Righteous was likewise caged on her left, as was Bingam one cage beyond him. On her right, interestingly enough, was...

  “Chaz?”

  His eyes were glazed over, like he had been here so long that he was now too exhausted to continue being terrified. When Katherine spoke his name, his eyes focused on her.

  “Kat?” He blinked a couple of times, then squinted at her. “Are you wearing blackface?”

  “No!” said Katherine. “Kinda. But it was for a good reason. I’ll explain later. Who’s that in the cage on the other side of you?”

  Chaz glanced back at the cage Katherine had indicated. “Oh, that’s... DAVE!”

  The figure who Katherine hadn’t been able to identify sat bolt upright. It was indeed Dave. “Wha? Fuck!”

  “You have got to stay awake, man!” said Chaz. “If you roll over in your sleep, you’re not going to fucking wake up again.”

  “How long have you two been here?” asked Katherine.

  Chaz shrugged. “About a day, I think. Maybe two. It all kind of blurs together when you’re dying of dehydration, sleep deprivation, and constant terror.”

  “Who did this to you?”

  Chaz nodded past the open side of his cage. “He did.”

  Katherine looked through her missing wall and saw the half-elf in the blue robes stepping out from a hole in the rock onto a small rocky platform.

  “Good evening!” the half-elf called out. He was only about thirty feet away from them, but the wind was blowing strong.

  “Who are you?” shouted Katherine. “Where’s my br–” She stopped herself. “Where’s my halfling friend?”

  “He’ll be along shortly. Just as soon as the rest of your friends arrive.”

  “Do you know who I am?” said Captain Righteous. He didn’t need to shout. His natural voice cut through the wind.

  “No,” the half-elf responded casually.

  “My name is Righteous Justificus Blademaster. I am a captain in the Kingsguard. Imprisoning me is an act of treason against the crown.”

  “Oh!” The half-elf feigned being impressed. “Well do you know who I am?”

  “No,” admitted Captain Righteous.

  The half-elf waved a hand over his face. His eyes were wider apart. His nose turned up slightly higher. His lips were thinner. Even his skin tone was considerably darker. He was still a half-elf, but seemed to be a completely different one. “Then it seems I have nothing to worry about.”

  Chapter 31

  “Before we wander too far into the desert,” said Julian, “maybe it would be a good idea to test just how fertile this Fertile Desert is.”

  They’d already been speedwalking through the desert for about half an hour, anxious about one of those bearded elves catching up to them and dragging them back into their little slave camp. But no one had followed them, and the village was a hazy blur on the eastern horizon.

  Stacy took off her bag and set it down on the dry sand. “I wouldn’t mind a drink. It’s amazing how the climate goes from tropical to arid just like that.”

  Julian shrugged. “Magic.”

  Cooper pulled the Decanter of Endless Water out of his bag, held it over his head, and let water flow into his giant gaping mouth until he’d had his fill, then passed it to Stacy.

  Stacy drank the water greedily, letting it spill down her chin and the front of her clothes. It was hot out there.

  Julian had a few sips, but he wasn’t feeling the thirst like his friends were. “You too, Ravenus. All that flying is bound to dehydrate you.” He held the silver pitcher up to the top of his quarterstaff, where his familiar was perched, and tipped it forward, letting water flow out of it so that Ravenus could drink from it like a water fountain.

  “Whoa!” said Cooper.

  “Hot damn,” said Stacy.

  “What?” said Julian. They were looking at his feet. Julian looked down and found that he was standing knee deep in a small watermelon patch. Dark green melons were growing like balloons on vines that were likewise growing like... well, like really fast-growing vines. He stopped pouring, and the melons stopped growing.

  “They weren’t fucking around with that name,” said Stacy. “This place is more fertile than an Alabama middle school.”

  Julian and Cooper winced at the implication, then Cooper got distracted by something. Judging by the look of bafflement on his face, Julian guessed it was a thought.

  “Give me the jug,” said Cooper. “I want to try something.”

  Julian handed over the Decanter of Endless Water.

  Cooper turned it over, and the watermelons and vines continued to grow and flourish. Gripping it tight with both hands, he said, “Geyser.”

  With a sudden rush of water, Julian found himself suddenly tangled in vines, barely able to move or see.

  Then the explosions started. They were louder than popping balloons, but not so loud as artillery fire. Maybe they were like landmines; they were immediately followed by an accompanying splatter.

  “Cooper!” cried Stacy. “That’s enough!”

  “Fuck that. This is awesome!”

  “We’re losing Julian!”

  “What? Oh shit.”

  When the sound of rushing water stopped, so did the explosions. Julian lay still in the darkness of his cocoon of watermelon vines, unable to move his arms or legs.

  “Come on, Cooper,” said Stacy. “You can do better than that. Why don’t you go at those vines like you went at all of those people you had piled up by the sewer?”

  “That wasn’t me. It was Nabi. If these were evil watermelon vines, she might be a little more motivated.”

  Wait a second. Was he...

  “Cooper!” cried Julian. “Are you trying to chop me out of here with an axe?”

  “Um... yes.”

  “Well please stop that. The vines are loosening up on their own.” They were. It hadn’t been but a minute since he’d been immobilized by vines, but he’d already regained quite a bit of mobility in his arms and legs. Sunlight was peeking through from above as well. The vines were withering around him.

  After a few more minutes of struggling, He had torn himself completely free and was able to peek out the top of the nest of vines and leaves that had swallowed him up. />
  Cooper and Stacy were a good ten feet away from him, so Cooper wasn’t actually within threat-of-dismemberment range. They were covered in pink slime and chunks, which Julian first thought was the remains of whoever had been stepping on all the landmines. Then he saw the withering husks of watermelons which had grown to the size of Volkswagen Beetles before the rinds had reached their thresholds of rapid expansion. Cooper was right. That would have been pretty badass to watch.

  “Can we try that again?” asked Julian. “But this time, I want to stand over –”

  Thunder cracked in the sky, like a lightning bolt had hit Julian directly in the eardrum. He dropped to his knees with his hands clapped over his stupidly sensitive ears.

  He regained his vision before his hearing, and saw that there was something big between himself and the sun. It was moon-shaped. But it couldn’t have been a moon. It was only five hundred feet off the ground, and moons aren’t moon-shaped anyway.

  Had Randy’s New God sent them a massive holy crescent roll for wandering the desert for forty minutes? Stop thinking stupid things, Julian. Get your head in the game.

  “ – THE FUCK IS THAT?” asked Cooper as Julian’s hearing returned.

  “What do you think it is?” said Stacy. “It’s just what we’ve been looking for. It’s the Crescent Shadow.”

  That seemed painfully obvious now that she mentioned it. Julian was happy he hadn’t voiced his holy crescent roll theory aloud.

  “How the hell are we going to get up there?” asked Stacy.

  “HEY!” Cooper shouted at the island in the sky. “COULD YOU COME DOWN HERE FOR A SECOND?”

  “There’s no way they can hear you all the way up there,” said Julian. “Maybe they’ve got a rope or something? I could ask Ravenus to fly up there and get them to drop something down.”

  Cooper shook his head. “I can’t climb a goddamn five hundred foot rope.”

  “Well maybe they’ve got something set up so we just have to hold on and they can reel us in. I mean, people have to get up and down from there somehow, right?”

  “Maybe they use four pegasi towing a basket,” suggested Stacy.

  Julian sighed. “That’s not super helpful. You see, a rope is a thing that people sometimes actually have. Let’s start with the simplest potential solutions first, then work our way outward to – Oh, look at that. That’s actually a thing.”

  Looking past Stacy’s smug expression, Julian saw four winged horses launching out of Minswater with a large basket hanging below them.

  Cooper waved his arms. “HEY! WE NEED A LIFT!”

  “Maybe we can get a ride up in one of those?” Stacy sounded doubtful.

  “We don’t have time to go back,” said Julian. “Think about it. Those pegasi were all hitched up and ready to go. The island showed up here specifically to receive whatever is in that basket. Once the delivery is made, it’s going to go back to wherever it came from.” That was, of course, the situation they had just been in a few minutes ago, but it seemed somehow a lot more hopeless now.

  Cooper and Stacy frowned, sharing Julian’s sense of hopelessness. Then Cooper’s eyes lit up. Was it even possible that he could have two profound thoughts so close together?

  “We can set the watermelon vines on fire!”

  Julian supposed that, no, it wasn’t possible. He also mused that he may have been generous in referring to Cooper’s idea of making giant watermelons explode as “profound”.

  “They’re all dried out now,” Cooper continued to try to justify his idea. “They’ll light up easily.”

  “But what’s the point?” asked Stacy. “How is burning watermelon vines going to get us up to that island?”

  “Smoke signal,” said Cooper. “If we can get those fuckers to look down here, we might be able to get them to throw down a... Oh right. Shit. Sorry.”

  Julian shook his head. “Don’t be sorry. We’re brainstorming and the clock is ticking. Spit out whatever you’ve got. No idea is too stupid. No thought too –” Julian bit his lower lip and looked up at the chunk of rock flying so high above them, then down at Cooper. “Cooper, you’re a genius.”

  “Fuck you, dude.”

  “No, I mean it!” Julian dug deep into his pockets and pulled out fistfuls of bean pods. “Look at this!”

  Cooper frowned. “Yay.”

  Stacy’s eyes widened in sudden realization and terror. She looked up at the Crescent Shadow. “No fucking way.”

  “It’s the only fucking way,” said Julian. The pegasi had reached the island. The cargo was no doubt being unloaded. Their time was running out. “You can’t honestly tell me you want to live the rest of your life knowing you didn’t at least try this.”

  “Goddamn, Julian,” said Cooper. “How good could those fucking beans be? Let me try one.” He reached out to grab one.

  “No!” said Julian, yanking his hands away.

  “Fuck you, dude,” Cooper said again. “I’m gonna fart whether I eat the fucking beans or not.”

  “They’re not for eating. Think Jack.”

  Cooper snorted.

  Julian sighed. “My fault. Poor choice of words. How about this. Jack and the...”

  “Jackin’ the taco with sour cream,” said Cooper. “I fucking get it, man. There’s only so much privacy I can give you two out here. You want me to turn around or something?”

  Stacy looked mortified. “Jacking the taco with sour cream? Is that a thing people say?”

  Julian spread his beans out on the dirt, and dug through his pockets to find any he’d missed. “Cooper, I need you to use your Decanter of Endless Water and hit these beans with everything you’ve got.”

  Cooper frowned at the circle of beans on the ground, then looked at the withering mass of watermelon vines, then up at the Crescent Shadow. “Oh fuck yes!”

  Julian smiled at Stacy. “See, Cooper thinks it’s a good idea.”

  “It’s like that story,” Cooper said excitedly. “You know, the one with the giant and the duck that shits gold. I can’t remember what it’s called.”

  The Crescent Shadow might disappear at any second. It was now or never.

  “Come on, Cooper,” said Julian. “Hurry up!”

  Cooper held the Decanter of Endless water over the beans. “You guys ready?”

  Julian and Stacy shook their heads.

  “Do it,” said Julian.

  Cooper turned the decanter upside down. As the first of the water hit the seeds, he shouted, “GEYSER!”

  The ground trembled beneath their feet. Then something like a green leafy dick shot out of the ground and into the air. Two dozen or more stalks, all twisted together, wrapping around and supporting each other. Julian grabbed a stalk and shot skyward. Leaves and pods sprouted out of the vines, some growing bigger than he was, as he climbed higher and higher into the air.

  “This is the best thing ever!” cried Stacy, a few yards below Julian and climbing up to meet him. “I want to do this every day!”

  They’d made it to about sixty percent of the way to the Crescent Shadow when the conglomeration of stalks began to tilt sideways.

  “Oh shit!” said Julian. “Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!”

  “Wrap your arms up in the vines!” said Stacy. “We’ll be okay!”

  She was right. It wasn’t a free fall. They were falling fast enough for it to hurt when they landed, but at least they’d probably survive. Still, it was frustrating. They were so close!

  “I should have grabbed more beans,” said Julian.

  Stacy smiled at him sympathetically. “You couldn’t have known.”

  They were upside down and heading straight down toward the desert floor when they passed Cooper heading in the opposite direction on the still-growing beanstalk.

  “What the fuck?” asked Cooper. The spray from the Decanter of Endless Water almost knocked Julian off the stalk. “You’re going the wrong way!”

  “Look!” said Stacy. She was looking at the ground.

  Befor
e Julian had a chance to figure out what she was referring to, she let go of their part of the stalk and leaped onto the part which was still heading upward and started climbing after Cooper.

  “Well, shit.” Julian had no intention of trying to make a jump like that. He was still confident that he wasn’t falling fast enough to die when he hit the ground, especially with all the new vegetation growing in a wide circumference at the base of the stalk. The higher Cooper took the Decanter of Endless Water, the wider the spread and gentler the spray. Where Julian was now, it just felt like a summer shower, rather than a fire hose.

  “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” Cooper’s voice grew louder from above as Julian prepared for impact.

  “YEE HAAAAW!” cried Stacy.

  Julian looked up and saw Cooper and Stacy sliding down the stalk toward him. Stacy was holding the decanter, which had been deactivated.

  When they reached Julian, Stacy re-wrapped her left arm in vine from wrist to elbow, then turned to Julian and Cooper. “You’re gonna really want to hold on this time.” She took aim at the massively thick base of the stalk. “GEYSER!”

  Dust clouds erupted around the base as new stalks sprouted and wrapped themselves around the rest, further reinforcing the structural integrity of the collective multi-stalk.

  The top of the stalk, on which they were riding, slowed in its descent until it stopped altogether, then started ascending.

  “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” cried Cooper again.

  “Cooper wasn’t keeping the full force of the water on the beanstalk,” Stacy explained as they continued to climb higher and higher. “The higher up he went, the more water sprayed all over the place, and the less fed into the stalk.” As they climbed, Stacy kept the Decanter of Endless water focused on the center of the stalk, so that most of the water flowed down its length and continued to feed it.

  “We’re actually going to make it!” said Julian. The stalk had straightened itself and they were still climbing, albeit slower than they had been.

  “I don’t know,” said Stacy. “It’s going to be close. Even at geyser setting, this thing isn’t putting out enough water to keep us going up indefinitely.”

  The rocky bottom of the island was almost close enough to touch, but they were climbing more and more slowly. Julian felt the the tiniest hint of a sway. The ride up had been anything but steady, and the tilt was only a few centimeters. It was nothing he would have noticed under normal circumstances, but riding a beanstalk at four hundred and fifty feet in the air had given him an acute sensitivity to such changes.