A Flawed Heart

by April Emerson

  “No. I’m fine. I need to check on Lydia.”

  I walk into the kitchen. Lydia’s sitting at the kitchen table with her head in her hands. She looks up at me and pushes an ashtray toward me. I definitely need a cigarette right now. I light one and blow the smoke out as I search her face.

  “My dad’s on his way. Claire, what the hell happened?”

  “Jason and I were…talking…in the back of the bar, and Aidan found us. He said some shitty things to Jason, and Jason lost his temper. I tried to stop him Lydia, I really did…but there was no stopping him.”

  “This is bad, Claire. It’s not the first time Jason has been arrested.”

  We’re interrupted by Lydia’s cell phone buzzing.

  “Ben, where’s Jason?…What happened?…shit. Fuck…okay. My dad’s coming…no…just go home or come here…okay, bye.” Lydia ends the call and turns to face me. “He’s in jail.”

  “What should we do?”

  “I don’t know. Ben’s coming here, and we’re gonna go down to the precinct. Maybe we can bail him out. My dad will help us when he gets there.”

  She stands up and looks down at me. I put out my cigarette and stand to face her.

  “You know how much I love my brother. He’s my whole life. But I want you to know I love you too, and I’m sorry I blamed you for the fight. I know it wasn’t your fault. Jason would have done the same for me, if he thought I was being threatened.”

  “I have to tell you something—I know it’s been a little weird for you, with Jason and I being together, but you have to know how much I care about him.”

  She cocks her head to the side. “What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m saying that I love him. I’m in love with Jason.”

  She puts her arms around me, and we stand in the kitchen holding each other for what feels like forever. Ben bursts through the back door with Alana in tow. My arms are replaced with his as he hugs Lydia, and she starts to cry again. Lydia looks like a tiny doll, dwarfed in Ben’s embrace.

  “Claire, Jason wanted me to tell you he’s sorry,” he says.

  “Is he all right?”

  “He’s pretty bloodied up, but I think he’ll be okay. Let’s go get our boy.”

  Kat comes in and takes Lydia’s hand. She looks to me. “Are you coming, Claire?”

  I open and shut my mouth several times. I want to go to him, but I need to think about what happened, and honestly, I’m afraid to see Jason in jail. I won’t be able to handle it.

  “It’s okay, Claire. He’ll understand.” Lydia lays a hand on my shoulder, and Ben looks confused.

  “I just need to think. I’m sorry.” I’m sure I’m disappointing them. I’m Jason’s girlfriend. I should be there for him.

  “It’s okay. I’ll call you later,” Lydia says.

  The four of them walk out the door, and I instantly feel regret. I should have gone, but what’s done is done. I’m hit with a wave of exhaustion, and I feel hung-over. My head feels as if someone bashed it with a sledgehammer, and I can barely stand up.

  I walk into the living room. “I need to sleep,” I mutter.

  Tony nods. “Okay. I’m just downstairs if you need me.”

  I lock the door behind him, and crawl into bed. I want to talk to my mama. It’s late, but I pick up my cell and call her.

  “Honey, how are you?”

  “I’m all right, mama. I’m really tired…and I just need to talk to someone.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine. Everything is good here. I met a guy.”

  “You did? That’s great. What’s he like?”

  “He’s a musician. He’s smart…he’s like a genius, actually. We have a lot in common…and he’s gorgeous.”

  “Well, that sounds like a deadly combination.”

  “You don’t even know the half of it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know. He’s very passionate—about everything. He’s intense. His mama died of cancer a few years ago, and he’s still pretty messed up from it. He got into a fight tonight. He got arrested.”

  “Oh, no. Guys tend to do that sort of thing when they’re young, but it must be awful for you and for him. Part of gaining maturity is learning how to handle conflicts. It doesn’t seem like he’s learned that lesson yet. How do you feel about this boy, exactly? I mean, how long have you known him?”

  “He’s Lydia’s brother actually, I met him as soon as I got here.”

  “…and how do you feel about him?”

  “I really like him. My hair stands up when I see him. I’ve never felt like this before.”

  “It sounds like you’re head over heels for this boy. Do you think you love him?”

  “It’s crazy, mom, but I feel like I do. I’m just afraid he may not feel the same way.”

  “Well, you won’t know until you talk to him. I do think you need to consider how his impulsiveness may affect you, though. If you decide you want to go for it, lay it all on the line. We both know life is too short to not tell people how you feel about them.”

  “Thanks, mama. I feel a little bit better now.”

  “Good honey. Keeping emotions bottled up is never good. They always explode eventually. Let me know how it goes.”

  “I will. I love you.”

  “Love you too, sweetie.”

  I end the call and see that my battery is about to die, but I don’t even have the strength to plug it in to charge. I pull my blanket up over my head and place my phone near my pillow. I need to rest…just for a little while.

  The sun glares into my eyes when I open them. My neck is stiff, and I have to pee. I slept through the night. I look at my phone—and see it’s dead. I plug it in to the charger. I’m still wearing my clothes from last night. I peel them off, grab my robe, and head into the shower.

  I feel so anxious and afraid. I want to know if Jason’s is okay, but I’m terrified to speak to him. I feel as if my chest is bursting. As soon as I see him the floodgate will open, and I’ll want to tell him everything—that I love him and it terrifies me, and he terrifies me, and he makes my body feel things I’ve never felt before.

  When I leave the bathroom I hear the phone buzzing. I rush to pick it up. I have a million texts and voicemails, and they’re all from Jason. I read and listen to apology after apology from him. His voice grows more desperate as time passes. I want to get my head on straight before I see him again, but I need to know that he’s okay. I sit down on the bed to call him back. He picks up after half a ring.

  “Claire, I’m so sorry about what happened! I’m sorry you had to see that—”

  “I’m not angry. I was just…overwhelmed. And a little scared. Are you okay?”

  “My hand is messed up, but other than that, I’m fine.”

  “Did you have to stay in jail?”

  “My dad bailed me out in the middle of the night. I hate that he had to do that. It’s like I’m proving him right when I fuck up like this, and he has to deal with all of the bullshit.”

  “Well, maybe we can see your dad under better circumstances when we go into the city next weekend.”

  “You still want to go to the city with me?”

  “Yes. Unless you don’t want to?”

  “Of course I do.” He sighs.

  “Okay.” I can’t stop myself from smiling. I’ve been looking forward to my birthday, and I haven’t felt that way in years. “What are we going to do exactly? I hate surprises.”

  “Well, we won’t be seeing my dad ‘cause he’s been working nights at the hospital, but I’m taking you to a concert, and that part is a surprise. I’m not telling you who we’re seeing. That’s all you’re going to get out of me.”

  “So, how’s your hand?”

  “It’s sprained. It fucking hurts. I miss you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. Can I see you later?”

  I start to panic when I think of seeing him. “I have to work. But maybe tomorrow?” I feel terrible r
efusing him. I want nothing more than to be in his arms, wrapped in his scent, touching his skin—but I just need some more time to sort out his behavior and the awful things Aidan said.

  “Work, huh? Yeah, all right. Um…I’ll call you tomorrow?” He sounds frustrated. I wish he would just ignore me and come over anyway, but it’s better like this.

  “Okay.”

  “All right. So, I’ll talk to you tomorrow then. I…um, I miss you.”

  “I miss you, too. Bye.”

  Tomorrow comes and goes, and I don’t call. I decide I need to think with my head instead of letting my body and my heart guide me. Distance from Jason is the only thing that makes sense right now.

  Three days later I wake to find Kat peeking around my door. “You want to go grab some coffee?”

  “Okay.”

  “How are you feeling?” she asks. We’re walking down Bedford and the street feels less friendly today.

  “I don’t know. I mean, Jason’s reputation kind of precedes him. It’s not like I’ve never been with a guy before, but his past keeps coming up. It makes me uncomfortable. I knew what I was getting into with him. Lydia said he was a black sheep—and he is. He’s aggressive, but he’s also really sweet to me, and I know that a lot of his rage is just misdirected grief.”

  “It must be scary.”

  “What?”

  “Loving someone who’s so unpredictable.”

  I stop walking and stare at her.

  “Oh, come on, Claire. It’s obvious.”

  “Do you think he knows?”

  She grins. “Why don’t you just tell him you love him, and then you’ll find out?”

  Kat orders her coffee and a friend of hers waves her over. I’m fumbling around in my bag when I feel someone tug on my hair. I turn around and find Ben.

  “Hey, long time no see.”

  “Hey. How’s it goin’?”

  “I’m cool. I just came from Jason’s.”

  “Oh yeah? How is he?”

  After we get our coffees Ben guides me outside. We sit down on a bench under a tree. It’s a beautiful day, crisp and breezy, but sunny and bright.

  “He’s not great, but his hand is much better. Why don’t you go and see him? He wouldn’t want me to tell you this, but he’s seriously miserable, Claire. He’s been hittin’ the scotch pretty hard. What’s keeping you away from him? Did he scare you? You can talk to me. I’ll vault it.”

  I take a deep breath and light a cigarette. “No, I’m not scared of him like that.”

  “Then what is it?”

  “I feel strongly for him, and I don’t want to be another ‘notch on the bed-post’ or whatever. I want to be with him—just him. I really care about him and I just wonder if one girl is enough for him.”

  “I definitely don’t think you’re a ‘notch’ to him. Listen, I know that falling for someone can be intense. I fell hard for Alana. It’s scary to jump into it and put your heart in someone else’s hands. They’ll either cherish it or crush it…but not trying, not risking it, is worse. Do you really want to run away from this, and never know what might have been? Do you think you can even do that?”

  “I’m not gonna lie, I’ve thought about going back to Savannah. I hate that I’m being so cowardly. I just…I mean Jason’s so perfect…he could have any girl. Why would he want to be with just me?”

  “Don’t talk about yourself like that. He has had any girl, Claire, but you’re the girl. I can see it. I was an only child, so Jason and Lydia—they’re like my family. I hate to see either of them hurting, especially when I know the hurt can be taken away. You should just talk to him. I don’t think it’ll be as bad as you’re making it out to be in your head, trust me.”

  “Yeah, okay. I’ll think about it. Thanks, Ben.”

  “No doubt.”

  He puts his arm around me and kisses my cheek, then slings his book-bag over his shoulder. “I have to go to work, but I want you to know, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to Jason. See you later, kiddo.”

  He winks at me and walks away, leaving me with my coffee and my thoughts. I spend the next three hours at work, suffering the torture of the stock room where it smells like mothballs and ass. After work, I head back home and find Lydia watching the end of Some Kind of Wonderful.

  She looks the way I feel. Her eyes are bloodshot and there are dark circles under them, but other than that, she looks beautiful, as always.

  “So how are you?” I ask her

  “I’m heading over to Jay’s rehearsal space in a bit. I’m meeting him and Ben there. We’re gonna eat pizza and listen to Jason practice. He’s working on some new stuff and he wants us to give it a listen. But before I go, I have something for you.”

  She reaches into her white leather bag, and pulls out a small black box wrapped in red ribbon. She thrusts it into my hands and kisses me on the cheek.

  “What’s this?”

  “Jason told me it’s your birthday tomorrow. He also told me you don’t like to celebrate it, so I’ll forgive you for not telling me. He’d kill me if he knew—he told me not to get you anything.”

  “You really shouldn’t have.”

  “Well I did, so open it.” She reaches out her hand and strokes my hair.

  I loosen the ribbon and open the box. Inside is a small bird, etched in gold and painted red. It sits on a delicate gold chain.

  “Lydia, you shouldn’t…”

  “Don’t even, Claire. You’re my friend and it’s your birthday. I can’t not give you something. It’s a Phoenix—a symbol of new beginnings, which seems sort of perfect right about now.” She takes it from my hand and clasps the necklace around my neck.

  “This is beautiful,” I admit. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. You should come with me to Jason’s studio.”

  “Lydia, I—”

  “You can’t hide from this forever, Claire. Jason looks like a ghost—like he did after our mom passed. I can’t see him like this again. Don’t you miss him?”

  “Of course I do.”

  “So come with me. It will be a bunch of us, so no pressure for you guys to talk about anything heavy. It would be good for both of you.”

  My heart pounds in my chest with nerves. “Okay, I’ll go. Just let me change.”

  Lydia insists on my wearing gray suede booties with a kitten heel. They actually look really cute with my jeans and tee. I look at myself in the mirror. If a smile is what Lydia wants to see on Jason’s face, then we’re on the right track. I clip my hair up and put on a bit of makeup. Lydia grabs a beer out of the fridge and I pound down half of it, trying to shake off the nerves.

  As we walk over to the studio I find I’m taking deep, shaky breaths. Lydia grips my hand in hers as we walk, and it calms me. At this moment, I’m so thankful for Ben and Lydia. They truly have been like brother and sister to me—something I’ve always wanted to have and now I feel that I truly do.

  Our footsteps echo through the halls of the building. My heart pounds in my chest as we approach room five sixteen. The door is open, and I hear Ben’s booming voice and the sound of a guitar being played. As we get closer I hear Jason sing. His voice sounds hoarse and worn, as if he’s been singing his heart out for weeks.

  We enter the open door. I see Ben and Alana sprawled out on the sofa. Ben has a notebook in his lap and looks to be breaking up weed to roll a joint. Jason is sitting on the floor in front of him. His back is to us as he plays. Alana bobs her head to the music. Jason stops playing and picks up his Rolling Rock to take a swig.

  “Hey guys,” Lydia says as she flops on the couch with them.

  I remain in the doorway. I feel awkward and don’t know what I should do or say. Ben’s head snaps up and he smiles immediately when he sees me. “Hey, Claire.”

  Jason turns around, obviously surprised. The beer he has just sipped shoots out of his mouth in a spray and he chokes a bit as he stands. I watch his shoulders and admire the way his tattooed arms flex as he rises and
turns to face me. His hair is disheveled and his pale gray t-shirt looks unwashed. The intense physical pull I feel toward him has only intensified in his absence.

  “Claire? What are you doing here?”

  He marches toward me, a look of confusion mixed with happiness on his face. He puts his arms out and then halts a few feet from me. His eyes move up and down my body, from head to foot. He smiles and takes a breath. I look at my feet. I can feel how hot my face is—I must be blushing terribly. The awkwardness persists. Jason’s eyes meet mine and I see the longing there.

  “Ahem…um, I usually kiss my girlfriend when I see her, so maybe you guys could try that? Just sayin’,” Ben shouts from the sofa.

  Alana giggles and punches him in the arm. Jason’s face widens into a full-blown grin, and I can’t help but return it. I take a step toward him, closing the gap between us. He reaches up and strokes my cheek with his fingertips.

  “I missed you so much,” he whispers.

  I reach up and touch the hand that rests against my cheek. “I missed you too. I’m sorry I didn’t call. I’m sorry I stayed away. I just needed—”

  “Don’t apologize. I’m glad you’re here now.” He leans in and brushes my lips with his. I put my hands on his waist and pull him to me. He deepens the kiss, and I moan as he slides his hands into my hair. As we kiss our tongues slide together until I can barely breathe, until I forget where I am. He pulls away from me and sighs with what I can only assume is relief. I feel the same. He takes my hand and we walk over to join our friends.

  Alana hands me a beer, and Jason and I sit down cross-legged on the floor. Ben lights the joint and passes it around. The smoke billows and floats in the soft lamplight. I feel completely content. I still haven’t told Jason how I feel, but right now, everything is perfect.

  We all smoke and talk together for a while. Ben keeps badgering Jason to play some Metal. Jason throws a fake punch at Ben with a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth. They start to slap each other and play fight until Lydia breaks it up.

  “Guys, please. Hey, you know what? I want to sing with Claire. We’ve never sung together. What should we sing?”

  I’m stoned, and singing in public is not on my list of things to do right now. “I don’t know.”