A Flawed Heart

by April Emerson

  I look to Jason for some reassurance. He takes a long drag off his cigarette, his brow creased with concentration. “Hold on. I know. You know Tegan and Sara, right?”

  “Oh come on, what fucking girl doesn’t know them?” Ben grumbles and sits back on the couch, throwing his arm around Alana.

  “Oh please, Ben, I heard you singing along to a Taylor Swift song in the kitchen the other day, so lay off the tough guy shit.” Lydia stands and moves to sit between Jason and me.

  She puts her hand on my back and gives me a warm smile. Jason winks at me, puts out his cigarette, and begins to play. I watch as inked arms flex, and his fingers nimbly work the strings. Lydia begins to sing.

  I smile at how perfect the familiar lyrics are right now, and she urges me to join her. I listen to her melody and join her with a harmony. Lydia smiles and nods at me. Jason’s gaze hasn’t left my face since I began to sing. I lose myself in his eyes and the emotion that rests there and the intensity between us causes tears to well up in my eyes. I love him.

  Chapter Nine

  ~Jason~

  When Claire sang, the word “love” came out of her mouth, and I felt a chill run through me. Hearing that word from her, her beautiful voice carrying so much emotion with it, it all became real to me. She could love me. We could be together and hold nothing back. We could be happy.

  We hung out in the studio for a few more hours, drinking and listening to music. Lydia ended up passing out, and Ben and Alana went back to Alana’s place. Claire and I cuddled and kissed for a while, not really talking, just enjoying being together. I could sense her getting tired, and she actually shut her eyes and started to doze in my arms. I couldn’t bring myself to disturb her, her sweet face showed so much peace. I let my eyes drift closed as I lay beside her.

  “Fuck. My neck! Jason, Claire—wake up.”

  I hear Lydia calling to me, but I’m so comfortable, I don’t want to move. I open my eyes and see my sister standing and stretching near the piano. Then I look down at the angel in my arms. Her face is pressed to my chest, her hair covering my upper body like a blanket. She begins to stir and sit up. Her right cheek bears the impression of the fabric of my shirt, and her mascara is smudged under her eyes.

  “Happy birthday, Claire.” I kiss the sleep-lines on her cheek, and she leans into my body, wrapping her arms around my neck. All I want is for Lydia to leave us alone.

  “Thank you.”

  Lydia pads over and tackle-hugs Claire. I want to be irritated with her for taking Claire out of my arms, but it’s obvious to me that my sister loves my girl as much as I do. Claire giggles, and Lydia pulls her up off the couch.

  “Let’s get out of here. Don’t you guys have a date tonight?” Lydia asks.

  “Yup.”

  “Well, I have to help her get ready. We’ll come to your place at six. Claire, how about I treat you to a birthday breakfast—girls only. Sorry, brother,” Lydia says taking Claire’s hand.

  “All right, yeah. You guys should do that. I’ll see you later then?”

  “Yeah, I’ll see you later,” Claire says and smiles at me.

  The early sunlight from the window catches the little bits of red in her hair, and I take in her beauty. Lydia walks to the door, leaving Claire and me alone long enough to kiss goodbye. Something about the way she kisses me feels different. Her hands run over my chest and up into my hair, her fingers grasp me with greed. The kiss holds passion, and I feel what’s in my heart coming through Claire’s lips. It gives me hope and makes me think of last night, and the way the word love sounded coming out of Claire’s mouth.

  “See ya,” she says. Then, I’m left alone in my studio.

  Tonight I tell Claire everything—tonight I’ll show her how I feel.

  Back at my place, I sit on the fire escape all day and practice the song I wrote for Claire. My stomach is on fire with nerves. I strum my guitar and smoke while I wait. The sun is starting to set and there’s a definite chill in the air, but the weather is nice enough. I put my Zippo back in my pocket and take a long pull on my cigarette, letting the smoke slowly roll back out of my mouth.

  “Jason?”

  I’m startled and turn around to see Claire standing in my window. She looks fucking gorgeous, as always. Her hair is softly curled, and she’s wearing a black, lacey top and a short, red skirt. I harden at the sight of her.

  “Hey, come here.”

  She sits on the windowsill and gracefully slides her long legs through the window and I bite my tongue when I see her black leather boots. She sits down next to me and begins to fidget with her hands. I reach out and take them in mine as I turn to her. Her skin is soft, and I notice her nails are painted red to match her skirt.

  “Can I give you your present now?”

  “Jason, you didn’t have to get me anything.”

  “I didn’t. I mean, I made you something, sort of.”

  “You made me something? What is it?”

  “Um, I wrote a song for you.” I pick up my guitar. “Can I play it for you?”

  She smiles. “You wrote me a song?” she whispers.

  “Yeah. I’ve been working on it for a while now. So, do you want to hear it?”

  “Yes, of course I do.”

  I clear my throat, close my eyes, and begin to strum the strings.

  Adrift, and afraid

  Never living, just alive.

  Your eyes made sense

  Out of this plague of mine.

  Softly played strings

  A song, unsung

  Things I’ve never said to anyone

  So lost, so numb.

  Take this sorrow and make it right

  Take this darkness and make it light.

  I think of nothing but Claire as I play, pushing all of my love and gratitude for her through my voice and the strings.

  Your touch, your skin,

  An antidote, a remedy

  For all of this chaos and malady.

  Your face, your voice

  The answer, the cure

  You took away the pain

  And made me feel sure.

  Take this sorrow and make it right

  Take this darkness and make it light

  Never showed my true face

  False, and forced for so long…

  I never thought I could find

  Another soul so much like mine

  Take this sorrow and make it right

  Take this darkness and make it light.

  I finish the song, open my eyes, and look to Claire’s face. Her eyes look sad but she’s smiling. She opens and shuts her mouth several times, like she’s trying to find the words she wants to say.

  “That was so beautiful. So amazing. Thank you.”

  The wind has blown a stray hair across her face. I reach my hand up and brush it away with my fingertips.

  “You’re welcome.”

  Her eyes linger on mine for what feels like forever. I’m desperately trying to muster up the courage to confess my feelings to her. Claire, I love you. I’m in love with you, Claire. Just fucking say it. The sound of a dog barking wafts up from the street and pulls me back to reality. “I guess we should get going. Are you ready?”

  “Yes.”

  We get in the Charger and begin our drive to the city. I keep Claire’s hand in mine. She seems so happy and content. Her window is rolled down and her hair is flying wildly around her face. I have to remind myself to keep my eyes on the road as we drive. We make small talk as I accelerate over the bridge. We talk about Claire’s job, and she tells me about what she’s been reading.

  “What’s your all-time favorite work of literature?” she asks.

  “That’s as hard as the favorite song question. Um, it would have to be Alone by Edgar Allen Poe.”

  She laughs at me.

  “What the fuck is so funny?”

  “Nothing, I’m sorry. That’s just so you. ‘From childhood’s hour I have not been as others were, I have not seen as others saw’—tot
ally perfect.”

  “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I laugh with her.

  The brick buildings of Brooklyn fade into the concrete and graffiti of Manhattan. The look on Claire’s face is priceless as we enter the city—so much excitement.

  “So, where are we going?” she asks, her voice elevated over the music blaring from my speakers.

  “To dinner. You like Indian food?”

  “I’ve never had it, but I’m sure I’ll love it.” She squeezes my hand.

  I wind through the streets of the Lower East Side, and Claire is pretty much bouncing out of her seat. I circle the block of the restaurant six or seven times before finally finding a parking spot. I open Claire’s door and help her out. The car chirps as I hit the lock on my keychain, and I grip her hand in mine as I lead her down the block to the restaurant.

  The barkers in the street are shouting specials, offering free dessert and wine, but I pay them no mind as I navigate past them and lead Claire up the steps to my favorite restaurant in the city—Joy Moon.

  The restaurant is tiny, with low ceilings, and I have to crouch down as we make our way toward our table. The smell of curry hangs thickly in the air, and the walls are cluttered with strange decorations and blinking Christmas lights. The waiter places us in a window seat and hands us menus. I order a bottle of wine and help Claire pick a dish I think she’ll enjoy.

  We eat and talk, drinking wine and gazing out the window together at the New York night. I’m trying to keep my cool, but my palms sweat as I gather up the nerve to say to Claire what I’ve never said to anyone else. We finish eating, and she gets up to use the bathroom. I tell our waiter that it’s Claire’s birthday and I want him to bring out a dessert for her. After she returns to the table and our plates are cleared, the waiters approach us with a plate of mango ice cream with a candle in it. The speakers blast weird Indian techno, and the waiters sing some crazy happy birthday song. Claire turns to see what’s happening and immediately looks back to me in horror.

  “Please say you did not do this.”

  Fuck. I thought she would like it. This was supposed to be the moment. I can’t tell her I love her if she’s embarrassed and fucking pissed at me. Her face is beet red as she blows out the candle and flashes a forced smile at the wait staff.

  “I’m sorry. I wanted to do something special for you.”

  “It’s fine. I mean, thank you. I’m just not used to that sort of thing. It’s been a long time since someone sang happy birthday to me. That was very sweet, I just didn’t expect it.”

  Her eyes get misty and then I remember why Claire hates her birthday. I planned out an insanely romantic moment near the anniversary of her father’s murder. Fucking perfect. I feel like a goddamn idiot.

  “You wanna go?”

  She nods and I grip her elbow as we leave the restaurant. I light a cigarette and pass it to her. We share it as we walk down the sidewalk in silence, and I guide her through the streets to our next destination. There’s a line outside the club we’re heading to. We cross the traffic-jammed street and join it.

  “What are we doing now?” she asks.

  “We’re here to see Julian Casablancas,” I tell her, mentally crossing my fucking fingers that she’s happy about it.

  Her face brightens and she jumps up and down. “Really? I love him!” She seems a little tipsy from the wine at dinner and I’m thankful this news has lifted her mood.

  “I know you love him—you have all of his music in your iPod. That’s why we’re here. Happy birthday, Claire.”

  She reaches up and wraps her arms around my neck, and she presses her lips to mine. She kisses me with tenderness. I deepen it as I run my hands through her hair and down her back. I slip one under her skirt and squeeze her ass, not caring that we’re standing on a crowded sidewalk. She moans at my touch and my cock gets rock hard. Our bodies press together and all I can think of is how perfectly we fit. It’s only been a week since I’ve been with her, but I can’t wait to get her in my bed again.

  “Taylor? Is that you?” I hear someone call my name.

  “Fuck! What the fuck?” I say as Claire’s lips leave mine. I take her face in my hands, not wanting to look away from her or to end this moment.

  “Hey, Taylor!”

  The source of the voice approaches and I turn to see some old friends, Rich and Craig.

  “Hey, man! How the fuck are you? I haven’t seen you in forever.” Rich gives me a pounding on the shoulder, and he and Craig look to Claire. Their eyes roam her body and I feel my fist clench. I take a breath to suppress my jealousy.

  “Rich, Craig—this is my girlfriend, Claire.” They shake her hand, and avert their eyes. Fucking right.

  “You guys here for the show?” I ask, hoping the answer is no.

  “Yeah, we’re meeting some people inside. It’s great to see you, bro.”

  I cringe, knowing that Claire and I now have a fucking third and fourth wheel for what’s supposed to be a romantic date.

  Thankfully, we only have to wait on line for a few minutes—and once we’re inside, Rich and Craig make themselves scarce. I lead Claire up to the front of the dark ballroom. It’s crowded, but not completely packed—hot and humid, but not uncomfortable. I position Claire in front of me and take a deep breath, inhaling the scent of her hair. She begins to clap and squeal as Julian comes out onto the stage. He waves to the crowd, and begins to sing.

  Claire’s body begins to sway and rub against mine. I move my hips with hers as we dance, and she sings along in her beautiful voice. I turn her around to face me and grip her hips. Her skin is covered in a light sheen of sweat and her hair clings to her skin. I look into her eyes and sing the chorus to her.

  She smiles and kisses me—the same deep and hungry kiss we shared before we came into the club—and my heart wrenches with the love I feel for this girl. Our bodies sway with the music as we kiss, and the song ends. We applaud, but Claire’s eyes never leave mine.

  “Claire, I need to tell you something…”

  “What? I can’t hear you. What did you say?”

  The club is loud and crowded, and I chicken out. I lean into her ear. “I said do you want a drink?”

  “Yeah. Can you get me a vodka tonic?”

  “Sure. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” I walk toward the bar, kicking myself. Why can’t I just fucking say these words to her?

  The crowd at the bar is six people deep. I wait my turn as the two bartenders take orders as fast as they can. I’m starting to get anxious, leaving Claire alone in the crowd for so long. I push myself closer to the bar and the bartender comes right over, eye-fucks me, and takes my order. I feel someone tugging on my shirt and turn around to see who the impatient asshole is.

  “Jason? Oh my God, it is you!”

  I recognize the beautiful blonde in front of me as my ex-girlfriend, Heidi. We dated, but I broke up with her right after my mom died, and haven’t seen her since. Fucking perfect time for a goddamn reunion.

  “Heidi, good to see you. Uh, how are you?”

  I feel fucking awkward, but she seems elated to have run into me. She grips my shirt and leans up to whisper in my ear, her closeness makes me uncomfortable.

  “I’m good. I’m here with Rich and Craig. I’ve really missed you, Jason. I think about you all the time.” She plants a kiss on my cheek.

  I put my hands on her shoulders to push her off of me, but she misinterprets my movement and wraps her arms around my neck.

  “God damn it, Jason!”

  I look up and see Claire standing in front of me with her hands on her hips. She shakes her head and bolts for the door. I push Heidi off of me, and race after her.

  When I get out on the sidewalk I’m hit in the face with rain. It’s fucking pouring, and people are running and scattering down the sidewalk as they try to hail cabs or get in out of the downpour. I look to the left and right, trying to find her in the crowd. Her red skirt catches my eye and I take off after her.

  �
��Claire! Claire, wait. Claire, please!”

  I bump into several people in my pursuit of her, ignoring them as they curse me out. She stops at an intersection and looks left and right. She has no idea where she’s going and this is my chance to catch up with her. She strains to make out the street signs, shielding her eyes from the raindrops. Just as I approach her she steps into the street without noticing the “don’t walk” signal.

  My heart pounds and I feel my stomach drop. As cab is speeding down the street right toward Claire. I reach out and grab her just in time, and pull her out of the street and then back her up against the wall of the nearest building.

  “Jesus! Will you fucking wait? You almost got yourself killed!” My heart pounds as I grip her arms. Her mascara is running down her cheek and her wet hair sticks to the brick behind her.

  “Let me go. It’s constant bullshit with you! Who was that girl?”

  “Calm down, please. That was my ex, she found me standing at the bar. She was just saying hello.”

  “Right. Is there one girl in this city you haven’t fucked? Is that what I am to you, Jason? Just a fuck?”

  “No. That’s not what you are.”

  She takes a breath and I relax my grip on her. I tilt her chin up with my fingertips so I can look in her eyes.

  “I’m in love with you, Claire.”

  She stands there, staring at me, soaking wet and silent. I feel fear creep up as I wait for her to respond. Her eyes search mine and I run my thumb over the beautiful pink blush that has risen in her cheeks. Her angry expression melts into bliss and she jumps up and wraps her arms around my neck.

  “I love you too. I love you.”

  I push her back against the wall and kiss her with everything I have—everything I feel in my heart and soul.

  Chapter Ten

  ~Claire~

  He glides his hands over my thighs, up my arms, across my face, through my hair. Jason finds my neck with his mouth and I kiss his forehead, tasting his sweet flesh through the rainwater. I breathe in the scent of his damp hair, and he holds my hips as he lifts me and moves us around the corner, into the shadows of the alley.