Starting From Broken

by F. T. Zele

  “I love you so much, Braxton, and I’m sorry for last night. I want you to know how much you mean to me.”

  “I know, and you can tell me that once you’re done with all of this. We don’t need to worry. You have the best team behind you.”

  The doctor comes in after a little while. “Let’s go have a baby!” he says.

  My heart beats out of my chest as I walk beside her while she’s wheeled out and down the hall. I’m both scared and excited, but need them both to be okay. They are all I have left, and I’m a fool for not seeing that these last couple of weeks. When we get to the double doors outside of the operating room, a nurse stops me.

  “Braxton, you’re going to have to wait out here. This is a very complicated surgery, and you can’t be in there,” she lets me know.

  “What?” Liz yells.

  “I’m going in there. I want to be with Liz and see my daughter being born,” I demand.

  “We’re very sorry, but right now, we need to ensure the health of Liz and the baby.”

  I stalk off toward Liz. “I’ll be out here waiting. You are amazing, and I will see you as soon as they let me in.” I kiss her forehead, and with that, they whisk her away.

  I grab some water and sit in the waiting room uncomfortably. Everything starts flashing through my mind—the highs of our relationship and the lows. Then I’m reminded of the last time I was in this hospital. The most life-changing night of my life. The night I lost my mother. I’m literally more scared than ever, because the only people I have left are in surgery. As I take my phone out of my pocket to send Tyler a text to let him know what’s going on, I hear my name being called.

  “Braxton, where is she?” Sophie asks coldly with Tyler trailing behind her. I don’t blame her for being pissed at me. I’m pissed at myself.

  “She’s in surgery, and I’m waiting.”

  “What happened? Should I be worried?” They sit across from me.

  “They had to rush her in and do a C-section. She was bleeding a lot. They wouldn’t let me in. I don’t even know how all of this happened,” I say as I rest my head in my hands.

  “It’s going to be okay, man,” Tyler says as he reaches out and pats me on the back.

  “I’m sorry, you guys. I fucked up, I know, and I’m not going to make excuses for my behavior. Just know I will never let this happen again. I wasn’t thinking straight. Liz and I worked things out tonight, and she got up to go to the bathroom, and that’s when she started screaming.”

  “We’ll talk about that some other time, not tonight. If you guys made up, that’s your business. I’m not here for that. I’m here for my friend . . . friends,” Sophie says.

  “Thanks, guys. We all need to stay positive out here.” We make small talk until Dr. Hensley comes out into the waiting room about an hour later.

  “She’s in recovery. We delivered the baby at 4:32 AM, and she weighed only four pounds eight ounces. She is in the NICU being monitored. She’s doing well, but she will be in there for a little while, so she can get stronger. Liz needed a blood transfusion, but we were able to stop the bleeding. We were very lucky you guys got here fast. As soon as she wakes up, you can go in there. If you’d like, you can head to the nursery and see your daughter. I have this wristband for you. They will check it when you go in. I’ll see you later in Liz’s room when I check on her.” I’m overcome with emotion when he tells me this. I walk over and shake his hand and then give him a hug. He snaps on the wristband with all my baby’s information on it.

  “Thank you so much. You saved Liz’s life and my little girl’s.” When he walks away, I turn to my friends who heard what the doctor told me. “I’m a dad. I’m a freaking dad.” I have to sit down before I pass out. Once I get myself under control, I ask, “Want to see my daughter? I have a daughter.” I’m still in shock.

  Even though I knew I was going to be a father, I was never fully prepared for the way I’m feeling now that it has actually happened. We walk over to the nursery and look through the window, seeing a few babies in their little plastic cribs on wheels. Some are sleeping, while some are crying. I knock lightly on the door and wait for a nurse to answer.

  “I would like to see my daughter. The doctor said I could see her,” I let her know. The nurse checks my wrist and walks me over to the next door.

  “Only parents are allowed in here. Your friends will have to wait out there,” she explains. We all nod our heads in agreement, and she punches a code into the door that unlocks it. When the door opens, I see these little incubator-type things lined against the wall. “You’re going to have to scrub up in the sink here and then put this on. The opening is in the back,” she instructs, handing me a hospital gown.

  “Okay” I scrub my arms and hands.

  We pass several more babies, and I see these tiny lives with tubes and wires covering them. It pains me that these tubes are basically keeping them alive, instantly transporting me back to when my mom was hooked up to a ventilator. Keeping her alive.

  “Mr. Wright, this is Becky, and she is the nurse caring for your daughter. She is watching her around the clock, making sure everything is on track.”

  “Call me Braxton, please,” I say as I extend my hand to shake Becky’s.

  “And this, this is your daughter,” Becky says, pointing to my daughter in the incubator.

  My heart swells the moment I see her, the little life that we created. I’m speechless as I take in every inch of her small frame. This is a different type of instant love I never knew existed. She has thin, dark hair poking out the front of her pink little beanie. Her arms and legs are so small her skin wrinkles on them. Who knew they made diapers that small?

  The part that really kills me is the tiny tube that is going into her nose, and a tube that is taped to her cheek that I think is pumping oxygen.

  “She is doing really well. She is able to breathe on her own despite being only thirty-four weeks. The tube in her nose is a feeding tube. It goes into her little tummy. As soon as she is strong enough, eating on her own, and over five pounds, we’ll be able to let her go home, but that could take a little while. She is four pounds eight ounces now, but preemies tend to lose some weight before they regain it. You can put your hands through those holes there and say hi to her,” Becky informs me. I hesitate, scared I might knock a tube off her and mess something up. I watch her take each breath, unable to believe she is here and mine.

  “Can I use my phone in here to take a picture?” I ask, not knowing if that is allowed.

  “Of course, you can. If you’d like, you can stand next to her, and I’ll take one of both of you.”

  “Sure.” I hand her my phone and squat down, getting my head as close to my daughter as I can.

  “Got it. That is precious. Here you go,” she says, handing my phone to me.

  She is perfect, I think as I look at the picture and then quickly send it off to Sophie and Tyler, so they can see her. I snap a few more pictures of her to show Liz when I can go in and see her next. I can’t resist anymore. I finally stick a hand inside the incubator and touch her tiny hand for the first time. She startles at first, but then settles.

  Suddenly, a tear I didn’t know was there escapes my eye as I feel it falling down my cheek. I don’t bother to try to hide it. I’m completely in love, and I don’t really care who sees at the moment.

  Some time goes by with me visiting her, and it’s now time for me to see Liz. When I leave the NICU room, Sophie and Tyler are standing there.

  “She is so cute. How is she doing? I can’t wait to hold her,” Sophie gushes.

  “She’s doing well, but she will be in there for a little while. I’m going to check on Liz. You gonna stay here, or be in the waiting room? I’ll let you know as soon as she can have visitors in there,” I say.

  “We’ll be around here. I have my phone. Let us know how she’s doing,” Sophie says.

  “I will, as soon as I know what’s going on,” I reply, walking to find out where they have Liz
.

  Once I get the information I need and the clearance to be allowed to see her, I find her room. I slowly open her door, making sure she is up first. Her eyes are closed, so I enter the room quietly to sit with her until she wakes up. When I sit down, she stirs, and I touch her hand.

  “Braxton,” she says groggily.

  “Hey, how are you feeling?”

  “Like I’ve been hit by a truck. How is our little girl?” Her eyes are barely open.

  “She is doing great. They’re taking really good care of her.”

  “I want to see her,” she says barely audible.

  “You will, soon. Right now, you need to rest and take it easy. Are you comfortable?”

  “As comfortable as I can be. My stomach hurts, and I’m tired.”

  “Well, close your eyes and sleep. I’ll be here, and when you’re feeling up to it, Sophie and Tyler are in the waiting room,” I explain to her, but I don’t know if she hears me with all the meds they have her on.

  I sit beside her while she sleeps, relieved she’s all right. A couple of hours later, nurses come in and let us know they are going to move her out of recovery into a regular room. I text Sophie, giving her the room number and letting her know Liz can now have visitors. Looking at my phone, I notice it’s already nine in the morning the next day.

  “Liz! Honey, how are doing?” Sophie asks as she and Tyler barge into the room, and she runs up next to Liz, gently hugging her.

  “I’m feeling better, just sore. Tyler, thanks for coming,” she says, and he nods.

  “What can I do? Do you need anything? Is the house ready for her to come home? I can do anything you guys need.”

  “She won’t be able to come home for a little while, so I think we will be able to start on the nursery and have it done in time. Don’t worry about it. I haven’t even seen her yet. I just want to see her,” Liz says, sounding momentarily sad.

  “Here’s a picture I took of her. The nurse said you need to start walking around, and then they will take you to see her,” I say as I give her my phone, showing her the pictures, and of course, she starts to cry.

  “She is the most perfect thing I have ever seen. Braxton, I need to see her. She needs her mom.”

  “She needs her mom rested and healed. Like I said, they will take you to her since she can’t come out of there. Just relax. I promise she’s being taken care of.”

  “Sophie, have you seen her?”

  “No, hon, just Mom and Dad can see her. I’ll see her when you take her home. Tyler and I are going to head out for a little while. You need your rest.”

  “Wait, you’re leaving already?” Liz asks Sophie.

  “Yeah, we’ve been here for a while, and I need to shower, and you need to rest. I’ll be back with some decent food for you in a while. Braxton, call me if you need anything.” They say their goodbyes, and I finally have her all to myself for probably the last time in a really long time.

  “So, have you thought of any names?” I ask her.

  “Honestly, I had a whole list of names I thought we could go through, but I really need to see her first. I can’t name her when I haven’t seen her,” she says with a pout.

  “Okay, I’ll talk to the nurse and see when she’ll be coming in to check on you, then we’ll talk about you going to the NICU.” I leave the room, running into the doctor as I go in search of a nurse to see what is going on. “Hey, Liz is being persistent about going to visit our daughter. I know they wanted to get her up and walking around first, but she’s not having any of that,” I fill him in.

  “Just like Liz. Well, I’m doing the rounds up here anyway, so let’s see how she is doing and if we can figure something out for her,” he says, and we head back to her room. “Liz, how are you feeling? You really had us scared there for a while.”

  “I feel like crap. I’m worn-out and sore, and all I want to do is see my baby,” she says as Dr. Hensley flips through her chart.

  “That’s to be expected. You really need to concentrate on getting your strength up, so take advantage of this time you get to rest. You may never get it again after you go home.”

  “I know, but Braxton got to see her.”

  “Braxton just didn’t have emergency surgery, and he also didn’t have a blood transfusion. You’re going to be in the hospital for roughly five days. Your vitals look great, and that’s what we need. I say if you feel better after you eat lunch, then we can see about getting you up and trying to walk. If that goes well, we can take you over to the NICU to see your daughter.”

  “Really? That’s so long,” she argues.

  “That’s only about two hours. How’s your pain?” he questions.

  “It’s not bad, but not great either. I can handle it.”

  “Well, don’t wait until it’s too unbearable to ask for something. We want to manage your pain, so it doesn’t get too bad. Other than that, I want to check out your incisions, and then I will be out of your hair,” he says as he walks over and lifts her gown, checking everything out. “Everything looks good. Rest and follow my directions, and you’ll be seeing your little girl in no time.”

  “Thank you, Dr. Hensley,” we both say.

  Once the doctor leaves the room, we have some time alone to talk about us getting back on track.

  “Can we talk?” I ask her, needing to get some stuff off my chest.

  “Sure, what’s up?”

  “You know I love you, right? I need to know you still feel the same.”

  “Where is this coming from? Of course, I love you. Why would you think I felt any differently?” She looks at me with inquisitive eyes.

  “I can’t stop myself from thinking how bad I fucked up the past couple of weeks. I was so out of control I didn’t see what I was doing to others while I was engulfed in my own misery. Then all this happened, and I literally felt like I was going to lose you and the baby. I don’t know why you keep giving me chance after chance,” I admit to her.

  “You really don’t know why? You gave me a second chance at life, love, and a belief in happily ever after. I know what death can do to somebody, how out of your mind you feel. I knew if I pushed, I could help you find your way again. Look what we have because of our love. We have our daughter. I haven’t seen her yet, but I can’t imagine not having her in our lives.”

  “Please, never leave me, and don’t give up on me. I’ll make this all up to you, I promise.”

  “There is nothing to make up to me. I have everything I need. I have you, our daughter, and great friends that care about us. I don’t need anything else.”

  I sit on the bed next to her, carefully giving her a hug and hoping not to hurt her. She melts into me, and I back up slightly, holding her face in my hands. Staring into her eyes, I see that she is telling me the truth, and it sets my soul at ease. I plant my lips on hers and pour my heart out to her.

  I can’t control my emotions and let my tears go while I kiss her, tasting their saltiness as they roll down my face to my lips. When I pull back, I notice she’s crying, too. This has been a rollercoaster of a night, and I don’t know how either of us is holding it together.

  “I love you, Liz. You are my world.”

  As I sit here with Braxton by my side, I feel stronger than I have ever felt in my entire life. I know this is what love and eternal happiness are supposed to feel like. It might have taken me almost three years to get my life back together, but it was definitely worth the wait. Things haven’t always been perfect between Braxton and me, but isn’t that life? Learning each other’s faults and loving them as much as their good qualities.

  The only thing that could make this moment more complete is finally meeting the little girl who took up residence in my body for the past thirty-four weeks. Our sweet little surprise. After losing the first baby, I was apprehensive to think about having children, not knowing if it was a problem I was always going to face, or if I was ever going to meet that one person to make me want children in my life. There is a knock at the door,
and I’m shaken from my thoughts when the nurse comes in with a wheelchair.

  “Hi, I’m Melissa, and I’m here to see if we can get you up for a bit.”

  “This is going to hurt, isn’t it?” I ask.

  “I’m not going to lie. The first time getting up doesn’t feel great, but you need to get up and move around. So, let’s take it nice and slow. We don’t want to do too much or your incisions can open.”

  “Okay.”

  The nurse stands next to the bed, helping me sit up completely so I can get my legs over the side of the bed. My god, this hurts worse than I thought. Once I finally stand up and take a couple of steps, I’m worn out and ready to get back into my bed, but the desire to see my daughter is my driving force. We walk the hallway once before we head back to my room, and I need a stronger pain pill.

  “That’s was really good, Liz. What do you say we take a little ride over to see your daughter?” she asks, pointing to the wheelchair.

  “Really? I’m ready,” I say, looking over at Braxton.

  She helps me lower myself into the chair, and we start down the hallway. Overwhelming feelings of joy crash into me as we make our way to the NICU to see my daughter with Braxton by my side. Once we’re in the room, she instructs me to wash my hands first and wheels me over to the sink.

  After my hands are clean, she pushes me across the room filled with babies that are all fighting for their life. It breaks my heart that one of these babies is mine, but I’m thankful for the staff members I see standing next to each one, making sure they are getting everything they need. The moment we stop next to the little plastic incubator that is housing our baby, my heart stops. The love I feel is overpowering.

  Braxton places his hand upon my shoulder, and I reach back with my hand and hold onto his. I’m speechless. No words can describe the way I’m feeling.

  “Liz, I’m Becky, your little girl’s nurse. She is doing really well so far. She’s eating from the tube and is probably the least fussy baby in here,” she says while I’m in a trance just watching our daughter breathe in and out.