Starting From Broken
Page 24
“She’s perfect. She looks like you, Braxton,” I say, unable to take my eyes off her. She has fine dark hair and tiny cheeks, but I wish she would open her eyes so I can see them.
“Lucky her,” he says jokingly.
“Would you like to hold her?” Becky asks.
“Can I?”
“Yes, she’s been doing amazing. You need to watch out for all these wires and tubes, but you can hold her,” she replies, lifting the top of the incubator, grabbing a little blanket, and wrapping it around our baby. Nothing could have prepared me for the moment she is placed in my arms. I love her with everything I have, and I never want to put her down.
“Hi, little princess. I’m your mommy. God, I love you so much. You are the most incredible gift I have ever received. Don’t worry. They’re going to take good care of you, and I’ll be here every day with you until you can come home, I promise,” I whisper to her.
“Try to give her this little pacifier to help teach her how to suck so she can feed from a bottle.” Becky hands me a little Binky. I try to give it to her, but she just pushes it out with her tongue.
“Can Braxton hold her? I know he hasn’t yet.”
“Yes. Braxton, sit down in this rocker, and I will give her to you,” Becky says to him. He sits down, and you can see in his eyes how nervous he is to hold her.
“You’ll be fine. It will just come naturally to you,” I say to reassure him. When he has her in his arms, I see him light up, and the reason I love this man so much is written on his face.
“She is so tiny. I’m scared I’m going to accidentally knock something off her,” he says.
“Well, you’re doing fine. You look pretty good holding her, Daddy,” I say, teasing him.
“Yeah? I feel like I’m going to mess up,” he says full of doubt.
“I don’t think that’s possible. You’re going to be such a wonderful dad. I can already tell.” I support him, needing him to believe that.
We hang out for as long as we can in the NICU until they kick us out. Braxton goes home to take a shower and do some things, and I’m slightly jealous because I want a real shower and my own bed. I try to rest as much as I can until he returns and we can visit our little girl again. I can’t wait to bring her home and sprinkle her with all the love she deserves.
From this day forward, I vow to love her with everything I have. I don’t want her wondering what love is or never feeling wanted, the way I felt growing up. I will shield her from this cruel world and pray she lives obliviously for as long as I can keep her that way. She will be our princess, and she will be surrounded with love, laughter, and life.
She will be told about the love I share with her father, and that she is the reason my heart beats.
To say life has been a whirlwind since the night I gave birth to our daughter is an understatement. I have forgotten what sleep is, and I am delightfully sleep deprived. The first three weeks after she was born were the hardest. Having to go home without my daughter was something so wrenching, I didn’t know how to handle it.
I spent most of the time traveling back and forth from the hospital and home, sharing shifts with Braxton and being with her as much as possible. I didn’t want her to ever feel like she was being abandoned, so having one of us there as much as the staff would allow us was crucial to me.
Once she was allowed to come home, life started for us. We have been living off the high of her first everything. From smiles to babbling, it has been a life-changing time for us.
Three months after we brought her home, we had a small wedding. When I say small, I mean Sophie, Tyler, and our little girl—everyone who matters. Having a big wedding was something we could do without, and to be honest, there weren’t that many people we wanted to share our day with. It was the most personal day to us, and we did it because we love each other more than anything. No grand gesture was needed to prove that. Focusing on our life together was more of a priority than planning an over-the-top wedding. I did that once, and I wanted something completely different when Braxton and I committed our lives to each other. It wasn’t a hard decision, and in the end, it made our bond stronger.
Today we are hanging out in the park, waiting for Braxton to meet us here after he does some things at the restaurant. That went into overdrive once the baby was born. With everything that happened with his mom, he let things go at Elisabetta. He has been working hard to get it built back, being there as much as possible along with juggling his bars.
I have been lucky to work from home and not take on as many clients as I would have in the past. We have a nanny that lives with us four days a week, so I can work. The best part is our nanny is Barbara. With her skills in nursing and already being a part of the family, it was an easy choice, and we know she takes the best care of our daughter.
We had her staying with us once the baby came home, scared she might not be ready after spending so much time in the NICU. Having Barbara with us kept us at ease. When we felt comfortable that nothing bad could happen, we eased into a couple of days a week with her.
Life is truly something I strive to be grateful for each and every day.
Just before we brought her home, we finally decided on a name. It took holding her and spending some time with her to know.
“Is that my princess Alexis Jade?” Braxton calls out as he makes his way over to where we’re soaking up the rays of the beautiful sunny day. “How are my girls doing?” he asks, lifting Alexis out of her stroller and swinging her around as she giggles.
“We’re good, just trying to get her tired so she will sleep well tonight,” I say, hinting at a nice quiet night with my man.
“Oh, I see. Are you planning on taking advantage of me?”
“You would like that, wouldn’t you? No, I just want to sleep a full night.”
“Really?” he asks, looking like someone just stole his puppy.
“I’m joking. If you could have seen the look on your face.” I start laughing.
“That wasn’t funny at all. So, what do you say we head out of here and go eat and hang out until it’s bedtime?”
“Sounds good,” I say as I start to pack up my things.
“I’ve got her. I’ll meet you at home. I want to go down the slide with her a couple of times.”
“Okay, I’ll see you soon,” I say. I love that he tries to spend every free second he has with her. It’s very clear how much he loves her. She’s the light of his life, and their bond is unbreakable. I look back as I’m walking to my car and catch them as they’re coming down the short slide. Her laugh is infectious, and it has me giggling all the way.
My heart is full.
At the lowest times of my life, I never imagined I would ever have this again. Through my fight to get back the life I once had, I learned I have more than I ever thought imaginable.
Braxton and Alexis are my life, a life I always dreamed about having when I was a little girl. I thought I had that once before, but it turns out it was only a life lesson, teaching me how to fight for more and going after what I want.
My life might be unconventional to some, and at times it might seem like instant love doesn’t exist, but I knew there was something special about Braxton the first time I saw him, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, it kept coming back. For once, I let myself love freely and listened to my heart, and it lead me straight into the arms of my soul mate. I’m stronger than I have ever been, and if we had never started from broken, we wouldn’t be living with the pieces carefully bonded back together.
There are second chances in life. Never be scared to take them and always give them, because without them, you might be missing out on what was meant to be.
I would just like to spend a moment thanking some people, and showing them the recognition they deserve as they have been a tremendous help in this process, and if it wasn’t for them, this book might not be.
I starting writing this book in November of 2013, right after I published my first book. This book wa
s deep, raw and emotional for me to write. I spent countless hours writing, erasing, and rewriting chapters. It’s now perfect to me, without the help of these special ladies, I couldn’t have been more proud of what has transpired.
First, my dearest friend Laura Hampton, she has pushed me beyond my own know ability. She never let me give up, and knew just the right words to keep me fighting to give this book exactly what it needed. Countless phone calls, skype sessions and messages talking scenes out, and plotting. She loves Braxton and Liz as her own.
Sarah Arndt, a true friend, has always supported me, and even though we have never met in person, I feel our friendship is one of the rare genuine ones that exists. Her help plotting, and figuring out time lines have helped me so much.
Kristy Louise Garbutt, my Aussie twin, she spent her time beta reading, and helping me out, even with her already busy schedule, she made time for me, and I truly couldn’t appreciate her more!
Paige Maroney Smith, there aren’t words to even express my gratitude. You made this flow effortlessly, you got my story from the beginning, and have spent so much time reading it over and over, having me rewrite, and playing the biggest role in helping me. I will forever be grateful!
And last, but certainly not least, Kendall Ryan. She has been a constant support of me expressing myself in my writing. Even when she doesn’t know she is helping me, she is there. She has been one of the true believers in me, and one of the best friends anybody could ask for!
Elena Dimitraki the photographer in Greece who took these pictures that are on my cover, I saw this picture, and hunted her down for months, because this picture was just perfect! Thank you for letting me use your picture!
Models, Manos Simos and Antonia Bountouri, my visual Braxton and Liz on the cover, I don’t think I have ever seen such close resemblance to what I envisioned in my head, and they aren’t too hard on the eyes!
Helen Williams with All Booked Out, thank you for this gorgeous cover design!
I’m sure I’m missing a ton, but everyone who has been there, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Epilogue
Acknowledgements