Picking up the Pieces

by Louise, Michelle

  "You what?" Still not sure I am hearing this correctly.

  "I warned him that if he hurt you I was going to beat his ass. Now knowing what happened, I wish I’d have done more." I look at Austin and can see that he is pissed.

  "I just don't understand, Austin. Everything was going good. I mean how could I not know that he had a wife? Who keeps that kind of secret? Did he really think I would never find out?" Seriously, I don't get it.

  "You are right. It doesn't make sense. We have worked together for a while now and he never talks about anyone but you, let alone a wife. Plus, he doesn’t wear a ring as far as I can remember."

  "I never would have got involved with him if i knew. I am not that kind of girl, Austin." Ugh, I feel like home wrecker.

  "I know, babe. What did Preston say? Have you talked to him?" He asks.

  "When he didn't deny it, I just kind of ran out. That's when you grabbed me."

  "And you haven’t talked since?" Austin asks turning to fully look at me.

  "No. I haven't had my phone turned on very often. But what explanation could he possibly have?"

  "Sawyer, the guy was torn apart last night. Something doesn't add up. I think you need to call and hear him out. There’s got to be more to the story." Austin says, sincerely concerned.

  But, even if there is more to the story how can he justify keeping something like that a secret. I never kept anything about my past a secret. Now I understand why he always liked to say ‘the past is the past’.” My Preston impressions were already terrible, but tonight was no exception.

  “And, why are you sticking up for him? You should be happy." I turn to my right dropping my knees into crisscross position facing Austin.

  "I am not sticking up for him. I still want to kick his ass, but I also think that you should get his side of the story. And for the record, seeing you upset does not make me happy." Austin says placing a hand on my arm. Memories of the two of us lakeside start swimming in my head.

  "What happened to us? When did I become no longer good enough?" I ask the question that’s been on my mind for the past year, suddenly feeling brave enough for the answer.

  Austin takes a deep breath and studies our surroundings. "I guess this would be the perfect place for this conversation." Austin's hand starts to run through his hair, but is brought down to hold my hand instead. "It was never about you, Sawyer. You have always been more than enough. I was an ass and I screwed up. I will have to live with that regret the rest of my life."

  "Why, Austin, I loved you so much. I love you so much." I correct myself and without thinking, I lean up to my knees, slightly off balance and cradle Austin's face in my hands.

  "Sawy.." Is all Austin gets out before my mouth crushes his and then he takes control.

  Instant warmth rushes my body as his hands crawl on my skin and find my hips, lifting me and placing me down on his lap. My legs wrap around him, never once breaking our kiss. I want him badly. I need him.

  Just as I reach for the bottom of his shirt to lift it up, Austin breaks the kiss and leans me away from him.

  "We can't do this." He says still breathless from our kiss.

  "Yes we can. We've done it before. Right here in this spot as a matter of fact." I say glancing around.

  "That's not what I mean, this isn't what you want." He’s being serious.

  "Um, this is exactly what I want and I can feel you want it too." Yes, I can definitely feel his desire underneath me.

  "Trust me Sawyer, I want this so bad it hurts. But I also know you. And I am certain that in the morning you are going to wake up and regret this. I can’t do that to you. You’ve been drinking and it wouldn’t feel right to take advantage of the situation.”

  "This is embarrassing." I scoot back and off of his lap, standing to dust my pants off. Almost losing my balance, Austin jumps up to steady me.

  "Don't be embarrassed." He says pulling me against him. "Just call Preston and hear him out. But maybe you should wait until tomorrow, when you are sober." Austin laughs causing my head to shake on his chest.

  "Alright, alright. I will call him in the morning. But that doesn't mean I will forgive him. This is big." I say pulling away and crossing my arms under my chest.

  "I know, babe. Just remember there are two sides to every story. You need some rest, and I’m meeting up with some of the guys in a bit. Let me walk you to the house." Austin reaches down to pick up the empty wine bottle and holds out his elbow.

  I hook my arm through his and lean my head against his shoulder. So much has changed since last year. To be in the same place, but be so different. It feels like we have come a full circle for the better.

  "Ok, take me home, handsome. Guess I should get some sleep. Daddy’s going to kill me.” We laugh and make our way up the house.

  “Thanks, Austin. You are pretty great. You know that?" I say, taking the empty bottle from him.

  "Oh I know. And don’t you forget it." Leaning down Austin kisses my forehead. "And remember, hear him out. He might surprise you."

  "I will try." I say smiling up at him. “I promise”

  "Goodnight, drunky." He winks and turns around with a smile.

  "Goodnight, tease." I holler back and can hear him laughing in the distance.

  I throw away the empty bottle and head up the stairs already half asleep. That wine is way stronger than I remember. Crawling into bed, I find my body pillow and fall asleep thinking about the phone call to Preston I would have to make in the morning.

  My eyes fly open, blinking rapidly to clear my vision. I must have been having a nightmare. The familiar surrounds of my room put things back into perspective, but still I feel unsettle. I don’t recall what I was dreaming, but can’t shake the tightness in my chest. It’s a pain I’ve never felt and my breathing quickens. Is this a night terror? Am I awake? Sitting up against the headboard, I try to concentrate on slowing down my breaths to relax. Such a strange feeling, but it’s beginning to subside.

  When I can no longer hear my heartbeat in my ears I notice voices coming from downstairs. I have no idea what time it is, but it must be morning since the sun is already peeking in the window.

  In need of water, and possibly tea to calm my nerves, I saunter to the kitchen. Rounding the corner, the voices are hushed and I see my parents sitting at the table.

  “Morning, guys. I just woke up with the most terrible feeling. Where’s that chamomile tea that Martha drinks?” I ask, but get silence for an answer. My eyes not fully adjusted to the lights, gaze around to find both of my parents staring at me, and my Mama has tears in her eyes.

  "What's wrong Mama?"

  She opens her mouth to speak, but no words come out. Her hand comes up to cover her mouth and she looks to my father as the tears are now sliding down her face.

  "Sawyer, come have a seat." Daddy says pulling out the chair next to him.

  "What's going on?" I ask, now shaking. A million things run through my mind on the way over to the chair. The pain is getting worse and I can feel my breaths pick up pace.

  Mama tries to control her emotions, but she is struggling with the strength. I have never seen her like this before, except, daddy’s accident. My tears are fighting for release.

  Now sitting, I turn to face my dad. “Please, just tell me.”

  Daddy grabs my hands and looks at me. I can see tears brimming his eyes as he takes a deep breath. I have never seen my father cry.

  “Sawyer, baby girl, I don’t know how to tell you this. There has been an accident.” With a short pause, he swallows hard and takes both my hands into his.

  “Daddy, who? Was it Ben? Martha?” I ask as my chest continues to tighten.

  “No, baby. It was Austin.” A tear rolls down his cheek but he keeps hold of my hands.

  “What! Where is he? We have to go. I need to go see him. Which hospital?” I ask frantically. Austin is hurt somewhere and we need to get to him. “Come on, let’s go. Why are you still sitting here?”

  “I am so
sorry, Sawyer.” Daddy squeezes my hand halting my attention to glimmer of tears coating his cheeks.

  “Sorry for what? Just tell me where he is Daddy. I have to go to him.” My voice is cracked and nearly inaudible standing up from the chair, but my dad still has a strong grip on my hands.

  “He didn’t make it, baby. He’s gone.”

  I lose all strength in my legs as I fall back into the chair trying to process what I just heard. There is no way. It can’t be true. I just saw him. He can’t be gone.

  The pain in my chest is immobilizing and my body feels numb. It was the same pain that woke me from my sleep. It was not nightmare at all; it was my heart, breaking into a million pieces. It knew before me, that he was gone. When his heart died, so did mine.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Pulling my face out of the comfort of my daddy’s chest, I look to both of my parents, searching for the lie. None of this seems real. Austin was just here talking to me, comforting me, taking care of me. How could this have happened so quickly? My attempt at understanding is falling short, and I feel more confused with each thought.

  "Are you sure?" I ask and my mother nods her head, sadly. "What happened?"

  My mother nods toward my father as if letting him know she is ready to talk.

  "We don't know all the details. We just got the call from his parents. It was a car accident. It seems he may have been swerving from an animal and lost control of his truck.

  "Did he suff.." I can’t even finish the word as my breath catches in my throat at the thought him hurting.

  "It was instant, baby girl." Daddy tells me, reading my thoughts.

  Talking about it in detail is making it all the more real.

  My breaths were rapid and my voice up a level. "I just... I can’t believe... I just seen him Daddy. He was just fine. Why did this have to happen? What am I supposed to do?" I attempt to take a deep breath, but my throat is closed. “I can’t. Breathe, mama.” I turn to face her, as she makes her way to my side and cradles me into her.

  "Shhh... just breathe, sweetie." Her voice is slow and concentrated, filled with restraint, trying desperately to be strong for me. “I know it hurts, baby. And it’s not fair.” She sighs as a small cry lets loose and she tightens her hold on me. Rubbing my back, I can feel the drop of her tears on my arm. "I wish there was a way I could take away the hurt, Sawyer. I would do anything to remove all the pain you are feeling right now.” The sound of her voice and arms around my body allow my breaths to slow.

  "Oh, Mama. I just want him back.” And just like that, a new troop of tears find their way to the front of the line and my chest is heaving once again.

  "We all do." Mama says quietly.

  She holds me for a few more moments until, suddenly, it’s too much. I need to be alone. Jumping from my chair, my parents watch with concern as I back away towards the back door.

  "I’m sorry, I have to go." I say, turning to run out the door.

  Half way through the yard, I glance back and see my father on the porch watching. Without trying to stop me, I am sure he has no doubt where I am headed.

  Reaching the tree, that holds a million and one memories; my limbs give way and send me to the ground beneath the shade. Just above my head is a familiar sight. Softly, I run my fingers over the initials A.D. carved next to mine in the oak. I close my eyes as I am cast back, mind in the past, reliving every memory I have with Austin; starting at the beginning.

  When we were eight, our teacher decided to rearrange our desks into groups of two and face them together. Silently, I was hoping she would pair me with Cheyenne and class would never be boring. But the teacher had other plans. Instead of Chey, she chose Austin and I was devastated.

  It wasn't that I had anything against him, I just wanted to sit with my best friend. Living as close as we did to one another, our families were good friends and spent lots of time together. Austin was always on a mission to hang out with us girls, but sweet Cheyenne was not going to allow it. It didn’t matter to me if he tagged along; the more the merrier. But she quickly informed me that boys were gross and asked me if I wanted cooties. Of course not! What girl at eight wants cooties? So I kept my distance.

  Every time I was around Austin after that, all I could think about was not getting too close. I heard the cooties were contagious and I did not want to be known as the cootie girl at school. Now being paired up with him, it was only a matter of time before my new name would be Coots-ma-goots.

  After we were settled in our new seats, the teacher handed out a work sheet to complete by the end of the class. Being the good student that I was, I zoned it all out and focused on my questions. Halfway through my work, I receive a painful kick in the shin and look up to find Austin with a smirk spread across his face.

  "What is your problem?" I whispered.

  "You like me don't you?" Austin asked still smirking.

  "Sure. We're friends." I focused back on my work only to be kicked again, but more gently this time. My glare intensified.

  "No, I mean you like me, like me. You think I'm cute,” he says with more confidence than any eight year-old boy should possess. I tried not to smile and drop my head back to work. He didn’t say anything further and we kept to ourselves finishing our task.

  That was the start to Austin and Sawyer. I never actually admitted to him that day, but somehow, he knew. I did like him and knew we would be great friends.

  Trying to avoid the wrath of Cheyenne, we would hang out with each other as a secret society. No one knew how close we had become. It was so much fun having a secret with Austin. Something only he and I shared.

  The swing by the lake became our private meeting place, where we could have fun and not worry about what other kids thought. It didn’t take long before I realized that cooties didn’t exist and we started to let others into our club; starting with Cheyenne.

  The night of my thirteenth birthday, I met Austin at the swing and noticed him drawing something into the bark. Curiously, I strolled over just as he was finishing and spotted our initials in the tree. AD + SJ.

  When I asked him why he did it, his response was well thought out. He told me, ‘Our friendship will last as long as this tree stands.’ At thirteen, it was the sweetest thing anyone ever said to me. And after the many years, I will never forget the meaning behind his words and truth in our friendship.

  The oak has survived many years, withstanding Mother Nature at her best. The same could be said for Austin and I. No matter the hardships or trials, we would find our way back to each other, usually stronger than before. A friendship as deep as the roots of this oak will now halt further growth. The iconic oak outlived our friendship. The tree will continue to mature, but our friendship is now simply just a memory.

  Weakened with emotions, my hands use the tree for support as I stand from the ground, saunter to the swing and push leisurely with my feet. With my arms outstretched, I increase my pace imaging Austin is behind me, pushing me high into the air. His smile in my thoughts prompts another wave of tears and though my grief is inaudible, the waterworks of my sorrow seem to have no end.

  Back and forth, I continue to swing and time escapes my grip. The sound of approaching footsteps jolts me to reality, but the whisper of my name grinds my feet into the ground halting the swing. It was the last voice I expected to hear and I am suddenly blinded with anger.

  Standing abruptly, I turn to face Preston, "What are you doing here? You have no right to be here." This was for Austin and me. Our place! He has to go. How did he even know where to find me? Or where I lived?

  "I am so sorry, Sawyer." Preston takes a step closer and I counter with a step back.

  "Don't come any closer. You shouldn't be here! You have to go. Now!" I shout, with tears once again in procession.

  "Please, let me be here for you. I don't know what to do, but let me try," he pled.

  "There isn't anything anyone can do! Don't you get it? Austin is gone. He is never coming back!" My voice is high and I
notice Preston cautiously making his way toward me. This time I don’t counter, but stand strong and continue, "Do you have any idea what this feels like? There is a depth of pain swallowing me whole. Any clue how much that burns? For just a second, I can close my eyes and see his smile, but then it’s gone. My eyes reopen and he’s gone. Each time another shred of my heart falling to the ground." My babbling voice is nearly inaudible and my vision is blurred with tears.

  Preston wraps his arms around me tight, hugging me to him. I don't want to be touched by anyone, much less Preston after everything that has happened. I begin to thrash around, screaming and crying, trying to break free.

  "I'm not letting go, Sawyer. I'm not letting go." He repeated calmly, holding me tighter while I flailed out of control.

  Feeble and exhausted, I finally give up as the fight inside disappears. My body slumps against Preston and he reaches under my knees, cradling me into his arms. Resting my head against his chest and close my eyes.

  Slowly, I am being lowered to my bed and blackness takes over as my heads hits the pillow.

  Blinking my eyes awake, I peer through the window observing that the sun is up; again. It's another day without Austin. Yesterday, I was awakened by Martha trying to quietly leave water and aspirin on my nightstand. I tried to stay awake but found that the overwhelming grief would only disappear in my sleep. My nightmare was in real life, and I wanted no part of it right now. Crying myself back to sleep, I repeated the process for most of the rest of the day. I couldn't bring myself to stay awake, let alone get out of bed. Each time I woke, there was someone there, Mama, Martha, Cheyenne, or Ben, each trying to get me to get up, eat something or drink water. My appetite had been replaced with nausea and I wasn’t ready to wake up. In my dreams he was alive and we had more time together.

  The sound of light breathing startled me and I glanced over my shoulder to find Cheyenne lying next to me peacefully asleep. I remember seeing her in my room yesterday, but everything seems like a blur at the moment.