Picking up the Pieces

by Louise, Michelle

  Cheyenne wakes from the movement of the bed as I am rolling over to face her. Her eyes are bloodshot and filled with sadness.

  "Hey." She says softly.

  "I love you." I whisper, blinking to resist the waterworks explosion. "Just when I think I can't cry anymore." I close my eyes and shake my head.

  “I hear ya, sister.” She moves closer and gently rubs my back, her eyes filling quickly with matching tears. "I don't know what to say. I don't what to do."

  "Can you just hold me, Chey?" Before I can say please, her little arms are wrapped fiercely around me. We lay like this for a moment, both crying on the other’s shoulder. When I feel like my tears have begun to subside, I let go and wipe my face.

  "What happens now?" I ask, looking to Cheyenne for answers.

  "I don't know friend, but we are in this together. I am not leaving your side." She says wiping her own cheeks.

  "Have you seen his family?" I ask, not able to fathom what his parents are going through right now. The thought of losing one's child is unbearable.

  Cheyenne shakes her head against the pillow. "No, I came straight here when I got the call. All I could think about what getting to you."

  "Thank you for coming." With a deep sigh I flip to my back.

  "Nowhere else I would be.” Chey, now sitting up, reaches for my hand. “Do you think you are ready to get out of this bed?"

  I take a deep breath, knowing I can't stay in here forever.

  "Yeah, I need to take a shower." I sit up in my bed and gaze out of the window for a moment. “I guess it is time to start the healing process.”

  "I couldn’t agree more.” She smiles and hugs me, before we both step out of bed. “Oh, there is something I should tell you." Her averted gaze freaks me out, wondering what else can there be.

  "What now? I can't deal with more bad news, Chey."

  "No, no. Calm down. It’s not bad news, exactly. Just don't be angry with me ok?" She pauses quickly then blurts out, "Preston is downstairs."

  My memories of seeing Preston were real. He found me down by the lake and I freaked on him. He was the one who brought me to my bed, even after I yelled and told him to leave. Why is he still here?

  "How did that happen?" I ask.

  "Preston called me the other night, because your phone was still off, saying he had to come here to see you and explain everything. I agreed that you guys needed to talk it out, so I gave him directions. After I got the call about the accident, I sent him a text to let him know and he was already on his way here."

  I was exhausted and unable to comprehend life itself, much less anything Preston has to say.

  "I can't deal with him right now, Chey. I'm sorry, but I just can't." I say, as I pull clean clothes from my dresser.

  "Don't be sorry. I will take care of it. Go take a shower and when you get out, Preston will not be here. I promise." Cheyenne gets up from the bed and starts tugging at the comforter and straightening the pillows.

  Without another word, I drag myself into the bathroom, turn the water as hot as it will go and melt away.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  If there were ever a day to stay locked inside my room, it would be today; the day I say goodbye to my best friend. My first love. My Austin. It has taken every ounce of strength to pull myself from this bed, but there is something I need to do before the service. I had yet to see Austin’s family since the accident and needed some alone time with Mrs. Davis.

  My nerves were at level ten as I made my way up the driveway knowing there was nothing I could do to make this easier. Guilt washed over me wishing I had not taken so long to come see them. It was selfish and I should have been there for them. Although, truthfully, I am not sure I was well enough before, and not sure that I even am now.

  Just as I am about to ring the doorbell, Mrs. Davis opens the door and pulls me into an embrace. She hugs me tightly and small sobs escape from us both. I promised myself on the way over that I would stay strong for her and hold back my emotions, but with one hug, I’m gone.

  “I’m so happy you stopped by, honey. How are you?” She asks pulling away and wiping her tears.

  “I am managing, best I can.” I reply, closing the door behind me. “How are you guys?”

  “We are getting by. One day at a time. Really, it’s all we can do. Come, we can sit down in the living room.” She led the way down the hall.

  Following closely as she guides me to the living room, my vision is filled with photos of his face clung to the walls, hugging his mom, playing catch with his dad and striking a pose for graduation. It’s strange to image this actually getting easier, when currently that seems impossible.

  Sitting down together on the couch, Mrs. Davis reaches for my hand. “So, tell me truthfully, how are you Sawyer?”

  “Truthfully, I’m horrible.” I laugh, sadly not able to hold anything back from her. She could always make me tell the truth with the look in her eyes. “I don’t know how to function. Everywhere I turn there are memories of Austin. Every time I close my eyes he is all I see. I am barely getting any sleep because I’m constantly waking in a panic, reliving it over again. When will it stop?”

  “I don’t know honey, but it will. And I know Austin wouldn’t want us to carry on like this. That is the one thing that helps me make it through the day, knowing that Austin would be mad to see me moping around. We have to continue living.” As her tears fall, her smile never fades. It’s comforting in a way.

  “I miss him so much.” Tears escape my eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop them.

  Mrs. Davis grabs a tissue from the coffee table and passes it to me. “I know you do. We just have to remember the good times, and always keep his memory alive.”

  “You know, I came here with intentions of comforting you, and here I am, mopping your floor with my tears. I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, sweetie. Don’t be sorry. It must be the mother in me that keeps me strong. You have always been like a daughter to me, Sawyer. Even after you and Austin broke up, that never changed. I am always here for you. I don’t care what time of day it is if you need me for anything at all, do not hesitate to call. I mean it.” She places her hand on mine.

  Smiling sweetly I squeeze her hand. “Same goes for you. I mean it.” We share a light giggle and spend the rest of time together reminiscing on old memories and then moving on to discuss the service. When asked if there was a specific song I wanted play, I knew without thought what it would be. It’s a song that had always been dear to my heart but now held an even bigger meaning.

  Before heading home to change for the service I take a moment and visit Austin’s room. The instant I walk in I am assaulted with the scent of him, as if he were in the room with me. Everything is how just how I remember it from the last time I was here. Our pictures still litter every area of his room. My favorite, one where I am smiling big for camera as Austin kisses my cheek, is in a frame on his nightstand.

  Sitting down on his unmade bed I pick up the picture and gently run my finger over his face.

  “Oh Austin, why did this have to happen?” I ask hugging the picture frame to my chest and curling up in his bed. “I don’t know how to life without you. I miss you so much. I need you so much.”

  I lay in his bed, crying, surrounded by nothing but memories of Austin and his familiar scent until I have cried my last tear. I need to be strong now. There is a long day ahead and maybe if I release as much now I can better survive the service. When I feel I have gotten it all out I stand, still holding on tight to the frame, and walk out the door.

  I leave the Davis’ feeling a little better. His mom is right, Austin wouldn’t want me to stop living. No matter how bad I might feel, I need to get up and make the most out my life, for him.

  Austin’s family decided to only do a gravesite service, rather than multiple events prolonging the inevitable. Beautiful flower arrangements paint the scene of Austin’s final resting spot. The most breathtaking of them all was the floral spray laid on t
op of the casket. I never understood the idea of sending flowers to a funeral, but the pure essence of their aura is calming in such an extraordinary way.

  So many people loved Austin, and it’s no surprise to see the amount of guests that continue to arrive by the carload. I am seated in the front row between Mrs. Davis and my mom, each holding one of my hands, sharing strength.

  After most everyone has taken their seat. Pastor Greg begins his heartfelt eulogy. His words are not generic. Knowing him most of his short life, he speaks about the real, honest account of Austin’s life.

  At the end of his speech, Pastor Greg offers the podium for anyone who would like to share kind words or memories of Austin. Last night, alone in my room, I wrote down some things I wanted to share. Though sitting here now, it seems impossible to stand, much less speak.

  A few of the guys we had gone to school with stood up and shared a story, even old teachers spoke of how much they enjoyed Austin in their classes. Family members stood and even a few friends he had met in college came and shared kind words. We all shed tears and even some laughter remembering the youthful life that was lost.

  Cameron Charles was closing his sentiment with a prayer and a courageous strength built up inside of me. I was ready to stand. As I release the two hands I thought were holding me back, my knees lock and I don’t stand. A few rows back, I hear a cough as Sam stands up from his seat next to Cheyenne and advances to the podium. I still have another chance to speak. Hopefully his words will encourage me to be brave.

  If there were one guy in high school Austin was closest with, it would be Sam. During his time with Cheyenne, the four of us hung out quite often. When Sam left for school out of state on his baseball scholarship we all kind of lost touch with him.

  “Man, this is tough. We never expect that one day, so young, we would have to say good bye to a friend. As everyone here knows, Austin was a great guy. If you were ever in need, he was the first person to be right there to help. I can’t count the number of times I was broke down, and without hesitation, Austin was on his way to save the day. One of my favorite memories with Austin was back in high school. Sawyer and Cheyenne decided they wanted to try out camping, but not out in the woods like most people. No, they wanted to just pitch a tent on Sawyer’s property. Of course, they didn’t have the first clue how to put the tent together, so they suckered us into doing it for them. Naturally, we had done all the hard work, and we weren’t even the ones camping. To get back at them, Austin decided we should wait until they were sleeping and go out to scare them. It was a great plan, or so we thought.” People are smiling and so was I. It was the first time in days. “Sneaking through the woods, careful not to make any noise, we made our way to the tent. Just as we made it to the tent window, the girls jumped out from behind us and onto our backs. I almost had a heart attack, but it was Austin’s scream that I will never forget. I swear I never thought someone his size could squeal like such a girl. We all laughed so hard, well, except Austin, he was embarrassed. And we never did find out how the girls knew, but they definitely got us good that night.” Sam paused and winked in my direction before finishing his words. “Austin touched so many of our lives and will be missed every day.”

  With a smile wide on my face, I couldn’t help but laugh as I thought about that night. Mrs. Davis squeezed my hand, laughing along with me. She had overheard the boys talking about their plan the night before, and was somewhat protective over us girls. She called me right away to let me know and helped us come up with a plan. As they were sneaking out, Mrs. Davis called to give us the heads up and we found a spot hidden in the woods near the tent. I never laughed so hard in all my life. Austin’s scream was the butt of a million jokes for years to follow.

  On his way back to his seat, Sam stops to kiss both Mrs. Davis and I on our cheeks. I always did have a soft spot for Sam. I still wish it had worked out with him Cheyenne.

  With a lighter heart, I guess it was now or never. Squeezing Mama and Mrs. Davis’ hand one last time, I stand up and make my way to the podium. Overlooking the crowd, I am able to see the full amount of people who came to pay their respects.

  Towards the far back I spot Preston and I am glad he stayed. Him and Austin worked together and were friends even before I came to State. It means so much to me that he is here and that he didn’t take off after the hurtful way I spoke to him.

  With my knees shaking, I started to doubt this idea. As a small breeze whipped through my hair, I turned my head to the side and saw his casket. He needed to hear my words, at least one last time.

  “Wow. This right here is proof of his character.” I waived my arm from left to right referencing the large crowd in front of me. I took a deep breath and sniffled my nose.

  “I’ve known Austin for my whole life. In the beginning he spent most of his time tormenting me and teasing me every chance he could. Then, something clicked and we were best friends. Austin was my biggest fan. He was the guy everyone wanted to be around; the one to make you laugh until you cried. Truthfully, I’m not sure I will every stop missing him.” A lump rose in my throat and I took a small step back to catch my breath. The tears were streaming and I don’t think I can finish. As I was about to step away, I felt Cheyenne’s hand on my lower back and she placed a tissue in my hand bringing me back up to the stand.

  “Thank you.” I whispered to her and she stepped aside and gestured me to continue.

  “I searched and searched everywhere on the internet to find words of encouragement and came across something that will stick with me forever. I am not sure of the author, but I would like to read it to you today.” With another deep breath, I unfold the printout in my hands.

  “Feel no guilt in laughter, he’d know how much you care. Feel no sorrow in a smile that he is not here to share. You cannot grieve forever; he would not want you to. He’d hope that you could carry on the way you always do. So, talk about the good times and the way you showed you care, the days you spent together, all the happiness you shared. Let memories surround you, a word someone may say, will suddenly recapture a time, an hour, a day that brings him back as clearly as though he were still here, And fills you with the feeling that he is always near. For, if you keep those moments, you will never be apart. And he will love forever locked safely within your heart.”

  With not a dry face in the crowd, I folded up the words and continued my goodbye. “He will always be in our hearts; a son, a brother, a friend…my hero.” I stifled my sob and turned to face his body. “I love you, Austin Davis. Always have, always will.”

  Returning to my seat, Pastor Greg made his way up to give the closing prayer. The songs his family chose began to play quietly as one by one, they placed single roses on top of his casket. Other guests came up to say their final goodbyes and the crowd began to fade. As one of the last people walked away, it was my turn to lay my rose. With the first step I took, the words of our song spilled through my ears, and wrecked my heart. It was the song I played on repeat when we first broke up, but now the depth of the lyrics rings deeper than imaginable.

  “I miss your gentle voice, in lonely times like now. Saying it’ll be alright. I miss my friend. The one my heart and soul confided in. The one I felt the safest with. The one who knew just what to say, to make me laugh again. I miss my friend.”

  On wobbly legs, I manage the short walk to Austin, singing under my breath, letting the tears drain from my eyes. These will be my last moments with him. Once I walk away, I will never me this close ever again. Kissing the rose, I place it on top of the others.

  “I love you, Austin.” With a kiss to my fingertips, I touched them to his casket.

  The most challenging thing is turning around and walking away, leaving behind my first love and a piece of my heart. He will always hold a part of me that no one will ever touch.

  Over the last year, I spent so much energy trying to figure out how to stop loving him. Every day was a struggle. No matter what happened between us, nothing could change my heart. G
etting close to Preston and the feelings that developed between us never took away from my love for Austin. The only thing that changed was the way I loved Austin. It wasn’t just a romantic love; it was a true friendship that we shared. A love I may never experience with another.

  Nearing the cars I look up find Cheyenne standing of to the side with Preston. When she catches sight of me she whispers something to him and walks over to Sam’s truck. I can’t avoid him forever and I know there is unfinished business, but today I can’t even think about it.

  Approaching Preston cautiously, I smile weakly and he returns a nervous smile sliding his hands into his pockets. I can’t help but notice the faint bruising under his eye.

  Unable to help myself I wrap my arms around him. It is a quick embrace, but something I needed.

  “Thank you for coming.” I say politely.

  “Of course,” he replies.

  Preston is dressed in black dress pants and a blue button up shirt, with the top two buttons undone. His hair was styled just the way I like it, my hands aching to run through it.

  We stand for what seems like forever in an awkward silence. I want to apologize for how I treated him the night he found me by the lake, but I can’t get the words out.

  “I am heading back tonight. If you need anything at all, please don’t hesitate to call.”

  All I can manage to do is nod. When did I become such a mute?

  “I am truly and deeply sorry for your loss, Sawyer. I hope you can one day find forgiveness for me and all the hurt I have caused you.”

  I can feel the tears threatening to fall, but with great effort, I manage to hold them back. I simply nod in acceptance and he leans toward me to place a kiss on my cheek. The moment Preston’s lips touch my cheek and he walks away, all control is lost and the dam busts loose.

  Cheyenne returns, wraps me in her arms and leads me over to Sam’s truck. We are heading over to the Davis Ranch for food and gathering. I already warned Cheyenne that I didn’t know how much I would be able to handle. I have way too many emotions swarming in my head to focus on anything right now.