She looked away from him.
“Don’t hide from me. Don’t lie. I have to go in a couple days and I don’t want to leave this unfinished with me always wondering and you going on the way you did after I left.”
“What if the truth hurts too much?”
“Then we’ll face it together.”
“What if it doesn’t change anything?”
“It doesn’t have to. It won’t change the way I feel about you.” He kissed her briefly, and when she opened her eyes, he said, “I love you.”
She shook her head, rejecting his declaration, but it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t change the way he felt about her. Or the fact that he wanted her in his life, but he knew they had to overcome the past to start building a future. He also knew that he had to go slowly with her. Something was holding her back even now.
“It doesn’t matter how much you love me...you’ll leave me.” Her voice was even. She believed every word that passed her lips. “Everyone who loves me leaves me. My dad, my mom, you.”
“I wouldn’t have left you—”
“Yes, you would have.” She propped herself up on her elbows. “We would have gone off to follow your dream and you would have decided I was not smart enough or not pretty enough or you just would have been done with me. And I would have been left alone in a strange town with no family and no friends.”
“I wouldn’t have—”
“Wouldn’t you have?” Penny pushed up to sitting and grabbed a pillow to hold in front of her. A tear trailed down her cheek. “How long did it take you to believe the worst in me after seeing me kiss Sam?”
His heart thundered in his chest. She was right. He’d made the connections quickly because she’d been distant.
“Exactly. You didn’t even come to me and ask me to clear it up. You just left. You didn’t even say goodbye.”
“What can I say, Penny? I thought I’d lost you. I was terrified of ending up hurt and in that dark place I’d been in after my parents died.” He didn’t ever want to experience that again. The rage, the pain, the bleakness.
“But you didn’t.” Her smile was sad. “Because life without me was so much better than life with me. Admit it. You did better in school because I wasn’t there to weigh you down.”
“You never weighed me down. You lifted me up out of a bad situation. You always have. That night in the hospital, when you so easily could have gone home and not given me another thought, you stayed. You took my mind off what was happening with Sam. When I’m with you, I feel alive. I don’t know how to explain it better.”
He grabbed her hands and pressed them to his heart. “If I have to, I can survive without you in my life, but I can’t live without you. I love you.”
“It won’t work,” she said softly. “We are too different now. We both have our own lives. I have the shop and you work at a hospital. We have lives that don’t intersect except for this one time. Can we just enjoy the time we have left?”
He wanted to press her. To insist that they could be more. That together they could solve any problem. But the harder he pushed her, the more closed off she’d get. He could see that now.
“Yeah, we can enjoy what time we have left, but I want you to know, I would never willingly leave you.”
Chapter Twenty
Penny threw down the stack of papers she was organizing and stared out her shop window. Luke loved her. How was she supposed to process that information?
If it were any other guy, she’d have laughed at him or kicked him out of her bedroom last night. But with Luke, she’d curled up in his arms and slept. Well, she slept after he’d made love to her.
Maggie and Brady came back tomorrow. Sam was feeling better every day. Between Brady and Jasper, the farmwork would be taken care of, so Luke could go back to his big-city living and find that girl who was going to keep his house and give him two point five children.
That wasn’t going to be her. The sharp pain in her chest wanted to say differently, but she wasn’t going to listen to it. After everything her heart had been through, Luke wouldn’t be the hardest thing to let go.
She’d done it once already. Next time should be a cakewalk because, although he said he loved her, she hadn’t said it back. Admitting it out loud would have been her downfall. It was bad enough that she felt it.
The bell jingled above her door, bringing her back to today. She glanced at the middle-aged woman who came in.
“Let me know if I can help you find anything.” Penny picked up her papers and tried to focus on the words again. In the past two weeks or so, she’d lost her focus. First Luke coming back, which would have been fine if it’d been confined to the wedding. But he’d been here longer and every time he came to her, she couldn’t help but let him in.
Worse, she’d broken the rule of letting him into her bedroom. Now anywhere she went in her house, his ghost would haunt her long after he returned to St. Louis. Him leaning against the kitchen counter with his smile and telling her about the piglets on the farm. Him sitting next to her on the couch, quietly watching a movie together. Him sleeping next to her in her bed.
She sighed and set the papers down. There had to be something else she could work on.
The bell jingled. Her mother came in, glanced around and then focused on Penny.
“I swear I wasn’t planning to stop by, but I got some terrific news.” Cheryl set her purse down on top of the papers. Her hair was caught back in a ponytail and she wore the uniform of the waitstaff at The Rooster Café.
“Did you want me to guess?” Penny asked after a moment. She wasn’t really interested, but apparently Cheryl had the best news in the world from the smile on her face.
“No, of course not. I mean how could you guess? I know it’s not the best timing, but when is it ever. I met someone.”
Penny flinched as if Cheryl had slapped her across the face. She sank into the chair behind the register and waited for her heart to start beating again. This was how it always began. Cheryl was happy with a job and a place to live and then she met someone. It wouldn’t be long before she started drinking again. And that’s when things got rough.
“I just needed to share with someone.” Cheryl hadn’t noticed Penny’s reaction yet. “I wanted to share with you. You are the reason I’m here, but...to have this opportunity, when I thought I was done with men.”
That’s when Cheryl turned around and noticed Penny. Penny couldn’t breathe, let alone speak.
“Is something wrong?” Cheryl rushed around the counter and squatted next to Penny’s chair. She reached out hesitantly, as if she was going to touch Penny’s hand, but decided against it. “Are you okay?”
From the pit of Penny’s stomach the old pain and longing rose to the surface. She looked Cheryl in the eyes. “You left me.”
“I—”
“You left me alone and didn’t come back. The one person in the world I had. The one person I loved. I trusted you and you left me all alone.”
“It broke my heart to leave you. I did my best. I found you a home and somewhere you would be safe. I thought if I got help I could come back to you.”
“But you didn’t come back.”
“No,” Cheryl said slowly. “So many times I tried to get clean. I wanted to. I knew it was the only way to get you back. Mother made me promise. She made me—”
Cheryl covered her mouth as tears flowed down her cheeks. “I had to prove to her that I was worthy of you. That was the only way she’d take you in. I told her about the men, the alcohol, selling your stuff. She knew that if she didn’t take you in, I couldn’t protect you. It was bad enough that I was with those type of men, but if they’d hurt you, I would have never forgiven myself.”
Penny couldn’t respond. What was there to say that hadn’t already been said?
“Every time I thought I was getting close, something would happen. I was afraid I’d never make it back to you. So I drank.”
“What’s different about this time? Tell me so I can believe you. Make me understand why you are waltzing back into my life seventeen years later and expecting to have some sort of relationship with me, when all I can think about is when you are going to leave me again.” Penny kept her voice down; inside she felt cold and hollow.
“Don’t say that, Penny-pie. Please don’t say that. I’m never going to leave again. I’m never going to drink again. If it means that I grow old alone but get to be with the one thing that I did that was ever worthwhile, I can do it. I can do it for you.” Cheryl brushed a strand of hair out of Penny’s eyes.
“Don’t do it for me.” Penny grabbed Cheryl’s hands and held them still. “Don’t do it for me. Do it for you because you want to. Because you need to. Because I won’t be held responsible for the next time you fall down that rabbit hole. I won’t be responsible when you pick up a drink because you’ve had a bad day or week or your boyfriend isn’t treating you right. I won’t be responsible for you.”
Cheryl straightened. “You’re right. It’s my fault you took on so much when you were growing up. You don’t need to be responsible for me anymore. I will stay clean for me and for you, but if I do stumble, please don’t shut me out. I’m not perfect. I make mistakes.”
Penny felt the beginnings of a smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Neither am I. And if you think I shouldn’t date—”
“Please, I’m hardly the authority on dating.” Penny laughed and stood. “Just don’t let it get bad. Make sure to end it before it gets bad.”
“Promise.” Cheryl walked around to the other side of the counter and leaned across it. “So let me tell you about Paul.”
* * *
Penny opened the screen door of the farmhouse as the car stopped in the driveway. The two farm dogs crowded around the car and barked. Luke was already coming down from the field. Sam was inside snoring on the recliner. She wouldn’t be surprised if the dogs woke him up with their insistence that the household needed to be alerted to the arrival of outsiders.
The car doors opened, and Amber was the first to be greeted by the dogs. Maggie and Brady got out while they were distracted. Penny’s chest felt lighter seeing her best friend. Penny and Maggie hugged as soon as they were close enough. They hadn’t been apart much in the years since high school.
“You look wonderful,” Penny said. Maggie wore a sundress with a white shrug over it. She looked more than wonderful; she looked relaxed and happy.
“You haven’t been eating, have you?” Maggie put her hand on Penny’s cheek.
“I’ve been eating fine, Maggie.”
“How’s Sam been?” Brady asked before hugging Penny, too.
“Besides bored out of his mind, he’s been fine.” Penny led them inside. Her pot of potatoes had started to boil, so she turned down the stove a little to keep it from boiling over.
“I’ll go find Sam.” Brady left the kitchen.
“So what’s new?” Maggie sat at the kitchen table and grabbed a handful of M&M’s from the candy dish.
“In this kitchen, not much.” Penny used stirring to keep from meeting Maggie’s gaze.
“You’re lucky that I missed you and your quirky ways.” Maggie popped an M&M in her mouth. “Tell me about your mother.”
“Cheryl’s fine. She’s got a job, a house and a potential love interest.”
“What about your relationship with her?”
“We’re working on it. It won’t fix itself overnight.” Penny stirred the potatoes and set the lid over them.
Maggie hugged her from behind. “I’m glad you are trying.”
“Me, too.” She patted Maggie’s arm.
Maggie sank back into her chair and Penny joined her at the table. The screen door opened, and Amber and Luke came in. Amber was talking his ear off about some ride at Disney. Luke glanced Penny’s way.
She couldn’t keep her smile down, but she dropped her gaze. She loved him, and just seeing him made her feel warm and gooey inside. But the time to deal with Luke was coming. She wanted to avoid it so she focused on living in this moment. This could end only one way.
Amber ran up and tackle-hugged Penny. “I missed you, Penny.”
“I missed you, too, munchkin.”
“Where’s Uncle Sam?”
“I think he’s in the living room with your dad.” Luke pointed in that direction and she was off. He stood there undecided for a moment.
“You can join us if you like. We’re just catching up,” Maggie said.
“I’d hate to be a third wheel. I’ll go see what my brothers are talking about. I have to give Brady the grand tour of everything that is happening on the farm anyway and try to get Sam to sit it out.”
“Good luck,” Penny said.
He nodded and rubbed the back of his neck as he headed out of the room.
“So...” Maggie pointedly glanced at the door that Luke had disappeared through.
“So what?” Penny grabbed an M&M. How could she begin to talk about Luke when she didn’t know what was going on herself?
“Penny?” Maggie put her hand over hers on the table. “Oh, sweetie, you’ve fallen for him again, haven’t you?”
That’s the thing that sucked about a best friend. They could see through any of the bull you put up for everyone else.
“Have you guys talked about the future?” Maggie asked with her concerned face on.
“What’s there to talk about? I can’t just leave What Goes Around Comes Around. I’m only just making a name for it. He’s not going to give up his job at the hospital in St. Louis to come here...for what? To work in the hospital in Owen or drive all the way to Springfield for work every day.”
“But you’ve thought about it.”
“Of course I’ve thought about it. It’s the only thing I can think about. That or my mother, and neither of them are very conducive to sleeping, eating or working.”
Maggie squeezed her hand. “I bet if we put our heads together we could figure out something.”
“It won’t matter. What we have won’t last.”
“Why not?” Their heads both turned to see Luke standing in the doorway. “Why won’t we last, Penny?”
Penny swallowed hard.
“Oh, I think someone is calling me.” Maggie started to get up, but Penny gripped her hand tighter and gave her the please-don’t-leave-me look. Maggie yanked her hand away and mouthed, “You’ll be fine.”
She hoped Maggie could read faces because hers was screaming, Traitor!
Maggie patted Luke’s shoulder as she passed him. And to think Penny actually encouraged Maggie to go after Brady.
Luke took Maggie’s seat at the table and continued to look at Penny, waiting for her explanation.
She opened her mouth and closed it. “We... I mean... There’s just no... Can’t we talk about this later?”
“When, Penny?” Luke leaned back in the chair and folded his hands behind his head. “Later today, tonight, tomorrow, or is later when I’m gone and you don’t have to deal with what’s going on between us?”
Heat rushed to her face. “We’re just having fun while you are here.”
The words sounded false to even her ears. Maybe if she hadn’t said them like a question...
Luke nodded solemnly. “Sure.”
The word cut into her heart. Even though she knew that’s what they’d been doing, it had seemed more real than that to her. Maybe it had meant more to her than to him. It didn’t matter. It had to end, and if she wanted to save her sanity, maybe now was the time to end it.
“After all—” she got up and checked on the pots on the stove “—we
were just teenage sweethearts. It’s not like we could have ever made it work. Our relationship was built on rampaging hormones.”
“Is that what you really believe?” Luke didn’t move and his inflection didn’t change to show any emotions.
“Every night we spend together is just about chemistry.” She tried to make it sound believable.
“It wasn’t just about sex.” Luke stood up and looked out the window above the sink.
“So we had a few laughs. I cried on your shoulder. That’s what friends do, right?” She walked across the room to stand as far away from him as possible when she faced him. “We’re just friends.”
“If you believed that, you wouldn’t need to put so much distance between us. And I’m not talking about physical distance.”
“I do believe it. What do you want from me?”
“In truth?”
“Yes, please tell me. I’m dying to know.” She crossed her arms over her chest.
“The truth is I want you, Penny.” He turned and slowly closed the distance between them. “I want you when you are laughing at a game of cards. I want you when you are mad at me for something little I did. I want you when you go sexpot on me to hide how you really feel. I want you when you cry in my arms.”
He stopped in front of her and put his hands on her arms. “I want you with me. Morning, noon and night. I love you and nothing is going to change that.”
Her insides felt heavy. She wanted to throw herself into his arms and say yes, but what if it all went wrong? “I can’t. My shop, my house, my life...it’s here.”
“And no one can take those away from you.”
She shook her head and pulled away. “I can’t just leave. Maggie—”
“Has Brady now. You won’t be gone forever.”
“No.” Tears flowed down her face. “No. I can’t. I can’t.”
She stumbled to the door and jerked it open. The warm air hit her in the chest and stopped her breathing. Turn around. Go back.
She couldn’t. She stood in the driveway with no purse and no keys. She’d have to go back in to get them, but that meant facing Luke. If he hadn’t already followed her out....
ONE NIGHT WITH THE BEST MAN Page 16