Surrender To You

by Janey, C. S.

  His blue eyes darkened, deepening to near black as he brought his other hand up to my face and cupped it, holding me still.

  “Do you have somebody else Ellie? If you do, tell me now and I’ll walk away.”

  I didn’t. I’d only dated one other person in all these years and that was just last year, after years of therapy. Knowing I needed to answer his question, I shook my head.

  “When is the last time we made love, honey?”

  I knew he was aroused, holding me in place as he was. He’d always been in charge in the bedroom and I loved it. I couldn’t look away.

  The question, however, made my chest tighten with anxiety. I licked my lips and his eyes dropped down, his grip tightening as if he was on the verge of losing control and trying to hold off. I wanted to scream ‘kiss me!’ so I wouldn’t have to answer any more questions.

  “Before you left to go abroad.”

  Yeah, he’d stuck around almost a complete year after returning from his trip. There had been no hiding the fact I’d been attacked as it had been in the news and he took me not wanting to be touched as just me being skittish. I’d fallen deeper and deeper into my depression and our relationship had ended with a gigantic explosion of frustration - sexual and otherwise.

  “That’s right.” His eyes were blazing now. “It’s been six years and I still get aroused just thinking of you. Not even naked, just thinking of you Ellie. So, what am I supposed to do? Just go through life wanting you and being unable to have you? I can’t do that.”

  Staring right back at him, I wondered how much he remembered.

  Did he realize that he was touching me more now than I had let him since he’d returned from his trip? Did he recall how I would shy away from his touch and wince if he came up behind me unexpectedly? Had he never really considered why else I wouldn’t let him touch me?

  I should’ve told him the truth that instant. Told him the secret I’d been - and still was - so ashamed of even though it hadn’t been my fault. Yet as he sat so close I could almost feel him breathing, completely focused on me, the words wouldn’t come.

  I wanted him. I didn’t really see a reason to deny him or myself what we both desired.

  Lying about how much I longed for his touch seemed ridiculous, especially when he knew. He read me like a book and I let him, because it gave me an excuse to give in. To have what I wanted without admitting it out loud.

  And even though I knew that any attempt at a relationship would end up going down in flames, the question remaining was a simple one.

  I just hoped I didn’t regret it.

  “Only one night?”

  CHAPTER SIX

  At my reply, Stefan stood up and swooped me into his arms, using one arm to support my backside as I wrapped my legs around him.

  “Which way to your bedroom?”

  “Uh…” Never imagining that this would happen, I closed my eyes and sucked in a breath. Pointing toward the general direction of my bedroom, he chuckled.

  “I’m sure it can’t be hard to find,” he declared as he carried me down the hall.

  My own need shocked me. Living so far away for so many years had numbed the memories of our life together. I’d built a life in another city, got the help I’d desperately needed and had come out relatively unscathed considering.

  It wasn’t that I hadn’t wondered through the years about what had become of him. I had but I’d also distanced myself from the feelings and buried them deep down. Apparently, I hadn’t buried them deep enough. I’d agreed to sex even though I knew the idea had the potential to backfire in my face. And he carried me in his arms, giving me a sense of fulfillment I hadn’t felt since before the attack.

  Having reached the bedroom, I noticed only a sliver of light from the street lamps outside coming through the crack in the curtains. Dusk had fallen, leaving my room dancing with shadows. Stefan didn’t turn on the light. Laying me in the center of the bed, he eased down beside me and pulled me into his arms.

  He’d never bothered to put another shirt on, so I rested my head against his bare chest. The light smattering of hair on his chest caught me by surprise. It used to be thicker, although not unbearably so. Tilting my head toward his head, I could only make out his chin.

  “Please tell me you do not man-scape!”

  “Okay, I don’t man-scape,” he whispered. Laughing, he slipped his hands under my tank and pushed it up. “Take it off.”

  He released me just enough for me to yank it over my head. A moment later, I lay on my back as he hovered over me, my heart thundering in my chest. Feeling as if it were going to burst if he didn’t kiss me, I wrapped my arms around his neck and yanked his mouth down to mine.

  The wild swirling in my stomach at the touch of his lips against mine made me not want to think. I just wanted to feel. Feel the heat of his body against mine, his hands moving over every inch of my body, the passion for me he’d declared so openly. Mostly, I wanted to feel what I felt with him before.

  Safe. Loved. Free.

  He lifted his mouth off mine, moving positions to get more comfortable even as he covered one breast with a palm. Leaning down, his mouth covered the nipple and lightly bit it, instantly making me moan. His hand traced lightly over my skin, down to my stomach and back up, building anticipation. Then, on another trip down, it stopped at the waist of my pajama bottoms and stilled. He nipped me again before lifting his head.

  “Did you miss me?” I could hear the need in his voice, roughened with desire. “Did you miss this, Ellie?”

  “Yes,” I breathed, gasping as he slipped past my waistband at the answer. My mind muddled, I didn’t know which question I referred to and I didn’t care. I just wanted - no, needed - him to touch me. “More than you know.”

  Climbing back on top of me with just the support of one arm, he hissed. “I’ve been waiting to hear that for a long time. Look at me.”

  I looked up into his eyes as his hand slipped further, cupping me gently. I shifted my legs, surging up to try and get his hand to move but it stayed still.

  “Tell me your secret Ellie. And you can have what you want.”

  I couldn’t even be pleased at the revelation that the answers he’d spoken of when he’d first arrived included my secret. I didn’t want to talk about this, I wanted sex, dammit!

  I moved my hips again, knowing the movement excited him.

  “Bastard,” I spat and he lifted his body away even as he kept his hand in place. His finger lightly stroked me now, sending tingles to all the right places. “I won’t play this game with you.”

  Parting me gently, he chuckled. “Oh you will.”

  I didn’t like his arrogant attitude as he continued to explore with the finger and entered just enough to tease.

  “Damn you!” I jerked my lower body up and toward him, succeeding in making the digit impale me deeper. I crowed with the victory. “Ah-ha!”

  He surged forward and I cried out a mere second before he recaptured my lips, punishing me and my stubbornness with them. Tracing my lips with his tongue, he shoved another finger inside me. As I gasped with delighted shock at his roughness, he thrust his tongue into my mouth and dueled with mine. Again, I tasted mint on his breath and wondered how he always managed to have such fresh breath.

  When he removed his hand, I moaned into his mouth and he laughed. Our tongues continued to wage war with one another as his hand drifted up my side, his blunt nails scratching ever so lightly on their trail. His other hand caught in my hair and held on as his wandering hand trailed down again and slipped my bottoms down, exposing my legs to the air.

  Releasing my lips, he showered kisses all over my face before nibbling the tip of my ear, then whispered, “I always did love your hair. It’s not as long as it used to be, but it’s still long enough that I can grab and hold on to it.”

  I smiled. It had been down to my hips the last time he had seen me but when I had moved, I’d chopped it all off. Now I kept it just above my shoulders, a cut I found m
uch easier to take care of. As for him holding on to it…that had always been one of my favorite things, but I said nothing and brought my hands up to his shoulders.

  Considering how passionate he’d been in the living room, his restraint surprised me. Gently kicking off my bottoms as his lips explored my neck, I lay there in nothing but my undies and had never felt so naked. We’d had sex before but this time, it felt different. I couldn’t place my reaction in any rational category. Maybe it was because we weren’t together; we were just two people who used to date and still wanted to have sex with the other. Or maybe, it’s because I knew he planned to make love to me and I wasn’t sure my feelings were on par with his.

  Either way, I decided to stop over-thinking this moment and just enjoy it.

  I slid my hands down his arms and back up, before moving up to his neck and into his hair. I loved the color - a shade of red so deep, it looked brown when wet - and always had. Cropped short, the small tickling sensation as I ran my hand across the tip of the haircut amused me, as usual.

  “Ah!”

  He’d nipped my neck and at my surprise, he pulled away. I studied him as he stared at me, the lack of light in the room making it near impossible to see much. He rolled off me and I leaned up on my elbows, deciding to take control of the situation. Impatient at the speed things were going, I rested my hand on his arm.

  “You should take off your pants,” I suggested and he looked over at me, his eyes widened with amazement, no doubt at my boldness.

  When he didn’t move, I sat up and got onto my knees, making sure he watched as I lowered my panties. I didn’t think his eyes could get any wider but he just lay there, mouth agape.

  Suddenly, I felt self-conscious and vulnerable. I was lost. We used to play around when together before and sometimes, I’d be in charge, but he always loved to tell me what to do anyway. I had loved it; hell I still loved it. I figured offering myself on a platter would rock his world.

  Yet he just sat there, staring. I gulped, afraid I’d made a big mistake.

  Stumbling over my words, I rolled toward the edge of the bed and sat up. “I-I don’t think this is such a good idea.”

  “Wait.”

  The command stopped me in my tracks, but I could no longer see him. It was silent for mere moments before I heard the zipper on his jeans. My heart stuttered, beating rapidly in my chest as he continued to undress. I didn’t dare move, waiting in anticipation for whatever came next.

  Then, a firm touch on my shoulder as he came up behind me. Slowly wrapping his arms around my waist, the heat from his body chased away the sudden chill I’d gained in my fear of being rejected. His breath upon my neck thrilled as much as his touch. Our closeness aroused me to the point of pain and I wanted to turn in his arms, but I didn’t. I waited for him to speak and he didn’t disappoint.

  “Don’t ever leave me tease me like that and then think you can just walk away,” he growled, grabbing my hair and tilting my head back toward him. “Shouldn’t you know by now that there is nothing you can do that will turn me off?”

  “B-but I thought you—”

  “You’re wrong,” he interjected with a chuckle. “You surprised me is all. We really need to work on your thoughts of what is surprise and what is rejection, Ellie.”

  His other arm tightened around my middle and pulled me toward him. Placing me on my back in the center of the bed, he gently spread my legs. His hard body above mine once again, I cradled his nakedness with mine.

  “You sure you don’t wanna play anymore?” His hand slipped between both of us and found me once more. Teasing me, taunting me enough that the answer to his question became lost in the surge of sensation.

  I whimpered, the sound escaping against my will as he used two fingers to penetrate me again.

  “God, you’re so wet,” he groaned, speeding up while using his thumb to stroke and give me pleasure on the outside. “You always were a hot little sex machine.”

  I laughed. The raw desire in his voice also had tears prickling in my eyes.

  Why had I ever let him get away? After all I’d done, even if he didn’t know, he was the one person who could get me hot in two seconds with just a look, a touch, a kiss. I’d been such a fool to push him away, but my pride wouldn’t let me admit it out loud.

  I wanted this moment, this chance to be close. To feel a connection, passion, and maybe even hope that things between us would be okay. The anxiety in my throat wouldn’t let me examine my feelings any closer. Reaching down between us, I wrapped my hand around him.

  “Oh god,” he hissed, closing his eyes with a moan. “You’re a naughty one.”

  There was no need for me to reply. I reveled in the power I had in that moment, a control I relished having and one I loved to wield. Especially with Stefan. The sounds coming from him had my heart singing. I never thought I’d hear it again and yet here we were once more.

  I needed him.

  “Please,” I gasped as his fingers went deep again and my body clenched around them. “I don’t wanna wait anymore.”

  The sound of him gritting his teeth had me smiling.

  “You still take birth control?”

  “Yeah, I do. Pill.”

  Not that it had saved me when I had needed it to the most. I had, however, changed the kind I used a long time ago.

  “Do you want…are you still…?”

  Surprised that he remembered, I laughed. “Ha, yeah, most foreign objects still cause me to break out.” I was -and always had been - allergic to latex and spermicides, among other things. I hated it but that’s the way it always had been.

  “I guess that rules out food play still.”

  His words might have amused me had I not been so turned on I wanted to scream with frustration.

  With a sigh, I wiggled, impatient. “Are we done talking now?”

  “It’s your show, Ellie,” he teased me as he slowly removed his fingers. “Take me and put me into you, honey.”

  Yes! I put a hand on his neck, pulling his lips down to meet mine even as I guided his arousal to me. The instant our bodies touched, he surged in one smooth motion. Our moans of pleasure were almost synchronized, swallowed up in our deep kissing.

  Wrapping my legs around him, we became as close as two people could be. My nipples brushed against his chest, perking up instantly, almost painfully. He moved slowly, pulling almost to the edge before sinking deep again. I knew my nails were digging into his back but he didn’t seem to care. Our mouths were still fused and he moved a hand down to my ass, squeezing it with one hand as his rhythm sped up.

  Sex between us remained everything I remembered and at the same time, became more than I could have imagined. Our bodies moved together as if they had never been apart, falling into a familiar rhythm I’d never forget for as long as I lived.

  Stefan released my mouth and trailed kisses along my jaw and down to my neck. His other hand wrapped in my hair and as he brought his lips close to mine, he held my head still.

  “Talk to me,” he demanded. “Tell me what you need right now.”

  “Touch me. I need you to touch me.”

  His hand snaked between us. So close to the edge, I could feel my release building, as the sweet pleasure radiated down my legs. Stefan’s movements were shallow now, faster. I tensed up as my mind blanked, focusing on the sensations he urged my body to feel.

  Responses my body hadn’t been inclined to offer in so long and especially not with the only person I’d had sex with since then.

  He must have seen my eyes squeezed shut because he brought his lips to mine and breathed, “Relax and let go, honey.”

  The words, uttered in his deep sexy voice, pushed me over the edge. My release had me gasping, stronger than even the one I’d had in that room upstairs back at his mother’s house. It took me a moment to realize the sobs I heard were my own.

  Stefan pulled his hand away even as he stiffened, releasing my hair and wrapping his arms around me. I heard him groan into my sho
ulder as he stroked deep one final time and stopped, shuddering.

  “Oh god,” I cried. “What have we done?”

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Rolling off me, Stefan cradled me in his arms and I hid my face in his chest as I cried.

  The flood of emotions had caught me off guard. The feeling of him in my arms, in me, when I thought we’d never even speak again had touched a part of me I had long ago locked away.

  At the stroke of his hand on my hair, I sobbed harder.

  “Shhh, Ellie. It’ll be all right,” he soothed. “Don’t cry, honey.”

  Pushing away from him, he let me go. Lying back on the pillows, he looked at ease, peaceful. And here I lay, a jumble of anxieties and confusion, crying my heart out. So I took it out on him, snapping.

  “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not your honey!”

  Exiting the bed as quickly as possible, I stormed down the hall and into my bathroom, slamming the door behind me. Locking it, I stood in front of the mirror and placed my hands on the sink, lowering my head as I tried to call myself down.

  Less than a minute had passed before he knocked lightly on the door.

  “Ellie…please come out and talk to me.”

  I hated the polite tone of voice, almost consoling. Like he cared about me.

  He does care, my heart chided me. Nobody travels across the country to their ex-love for one night of sex.

  Right.

  I found it hard to convince myself that he cared about me. I had pushed him away, but he’d also walked without fighting back. What’s to say he wouldn’t do it again after he got tired of me this time around? Nothing, that’s what.

  I felt silly standing there, looking into the mirror at the red and swollen dark brown eyes of a woman who had just had what probably qualified as the most amazing sex she’d ever had. In that second, I hated myself and I hated the insecurities that kept me from storming out there to tell him all my secrets and all my pain.

  Jumping in front of a train wasn’t a smart idea and I had to keep reminding myself of that. Giving Stefan what he wanted and opening myself up like that would be like asking a power larger than myself to run over me. I would have to be insane to even consider such a thing.