Surrender To You

by Janey, C. S.

  In truth, I didn’t think he’d understand. I didn’t think anybody would ever understand. Only Liliana had and - barring her ex-husband - she’d taken my secret to the grave with her, even if she had threatened otherwise. I wondered if she knew that once Stefan saw me again, he’d be unwilling to let me go again. Perhaps that had been her plan all along - to say she’d tell, knowing he’d be nearby and unable to resist the lure of a secret, the thrill of chasing me.

  “Stop running from me Ellie. I only want what is best for you,” he pleaded through the door. “Whatever it is, we can work through it.”

  Damn it, why did he have to be so freaking perfect?

  He’d use that line before, all those years ago and I’d doubted him. I didn’t believe he meant it. I considered my secret dark and him, the epitome of everything light. Funny, smart and kind he could no doubt have anybody he desired. Always gainfully employed and someone that everybody liked. How could he even begin to understand the pain I’d went through?

  He should’ve been married with kids by now, instead of practically obsessing over me. What had I done to deserve such devotion? Nothing in my mind.

  Now I just feel as if I’ve prevented him from moving on with his life. Great!

  Dabbing my eyes dry, I walked to the door and unlocked it, swinging the door open.

  He stumbled back from the door before catching his footing and crossed his arms. The action brought my eyes to his chest, only to emphasize the fact he hadn’t bothered to put any clothing on yet. Still feeling vulnerable, I reached behind the door and grabbed the robe, using it to cover up physically even though it couldn’t hide the emotional impact of our coupling just moments ago.

  “I’m going to bed,” I announced. “I have to work in the morning.”

  Even he nodded, he approached me with a smile. “I know. I’ll just finish settling in tomorrow while you’re at work.”

  I took a step back even as my hands itched to touch him. “How can you even afford to be away from work?”

  He laughed, the sound deep and sexy.

  Sexy? God, I had it bad.

  “I brought my work with me. It’s all on this nifty device we call a laptop,” he joked.

  I hated how…happy he seemed. Next to the way I felt - emotionally destroyed was an apt description - his cheerfulness only made me angrier. The sex had completely destroyed my illusions of there being no spark anymore.

  He felt it and knew our attraction hadn’t waned at all.

  A fool to believe otherwise, that’s what I was.

  “Night,” I said curtly, turning on my heel and heading toward the bedroom.

  “Night honey!” He replied with a chuckle.

  Gritting my teeth at his endearment, I slammed the door shut.

  The immense feeling of satisfaction at the sound didn’t last as long as I thought it would.

  As I climbed into bed, I hoped now that he was here in person, he’d stop haunting my dreams.

  ~*~

  The morning came before I wanted it to as my alarm blared from the top of my dresser.

  I groaned.

  Why had I decided that putting it across the room was a good idea?

  Oh right, because it was supposed to get me out of bed. And it worked, since getting up was to get the thing to stop with the incessant beeping.

  Throwing back the covers, I stumbled out of bed and over to the alarm, shutting it off with the button on the side. Throwing my robe on, I walked out to the living room, only to find no Stefan on my couch.

  What the hell? Where had he gone?

  Continuing into the kitchen, his luggage sitting by the washer confirmed that he was still here and left me utterly confused. It was just hitting six-thirty in the morning, where could he have gone to this early?

  Then again, I didn’t need to care about what he was doing. At least he wasn’t here bothering me.

  Filling up and turning on the electric kettle to make myself some tea, I was head deep in a cupboard looking for my frying pan when I heard the door slam.

  Not expecting the noise, I brought my head up, only to hit it on the rim of the cupboard frame. “Son of a bitch!”

  “Uh, Ellie? Are you okay?”

  Standing up, I rubbed the back of my head as he came into view and stopped just inside the kitchen entryway.

  I never thought it could happen to me, but the sight of him left me speechless.

  He wore workout clothes - a tight gray shirt with matching shorts - that left his incredibly muscled legs bared. Gulping, I traveled the length of his body back up to his face, where I found him grinning at me. His face glistened with sweat from this distance and I instantly knew what he’d been doing - out running at an hour I wouldn’t be caught awake at to save my life.

  “Oh yeah, I always have men coming into my place at six-thirty in the morning and shocking the crap out of me.”

  “How was I supposed to know you would have your head somewhere dangerous this early?” He retorted, the smile never leaving his face as he walked toward me. “Let me look.”

  “Ugh, no!” Putting a hand out to stop his approach, I grimaced. “I need to hurry up and shower. I have to leave for work soon.”

  He stopped his advance on me and leaned against the counter. “Do you want me to make you some breakfast?”

  Again, I wondered who this man was as I shook my head. “No thanks. I don’t eat in the morning.”

  “Tsk, tsk. That’s not healthy at all,” he chided me as I walked past.

  “Gee, thanks for telling me that honey,” I mocked, entering the bathroom.

  The sound of him as he busted out laughing was the last thing I heard as the door closed.

  I locked it for safe measure, just in case he had any ideas to join me in the shower. Though, if he did want to, Stefan could no doubt find a way to get inside. He had always been quite resourceful when we were younger.

  ~*~

  After I’d finished showering, I opened the door to go to my room, and heard Stefan speaking to somebody.

  Pausing for a second while trying to keep from eavesdropping, I peeked around the corner anyway. He faced away from me while talking into his cell phone, staring out the living room window.

  “I only planned to take a week off work, so I should be back in six days.” He paused, presumably to listen, running a hand over his head. “I know, but I’ll be home soon.”

  My curiosity knew no bounds. Who the hell was he talking to? Six days and he’d be gone? What was he hoping to accomplish in that time? Although, look what he had managed to do in less than twenty-four hours!

  Attempting to tip toe to my room so I could keep listening, the floor creaked beneath my foot and I winced. Looking over my shoulder, I discovered that he’d turned around, staring at me with a less than amused look on his face.

  “I gotta go,” he said into the phone even as continued to scowl at me. “I’ll call you later okay?”

  I took off toward my room, but not before hearing him say ‘me too’ and hanging up.

  He walked into the bedroom as I was zipping up a black pencil skirt. Ignoring him, I picked out a cream silk blouse and buttoned it up, all while he stood behind me with his arms over his chest.

  “Do you always listen in on other people’s conversations, Ellie?”

  Rolling my eyes at him in the mirror, I searched through my jewelry box and chose a pair of pearl earrings my mother had given me years before as a gift. As I fastened them in my ears, I flashed him a smile. “I didn’t intend to. I was trying not to interrupt.”

  He quirked a brow and scowled deeper, as if he doubted my sincerity.

  I also didn’t know why I was being nice in the face of his blatant distrust in regards to me. “I am curious about who you were talking to, I’ll admit that.”

  Finished with dressing, I turned around as he replied. “If you were my girlfriend, I might think it was information you needed, maybe even deserved to know. But you’re not.”

  Well, he was in
a mood today. Two could play that game.

  “Ah well, I’ll live without knowing then,” I quipped. “I need to leave for work now.”

  Intending to walk past him to grab my things and put my heels on, he caught my arm in one hand.

  “Please consider coming back with me. You know, back home. You even have your own place there now.”

  Yanking my arm away, I laughed as I left the room.

  “You’ve got to be kidding! I told you, I have a life here.”

  He walked out of the room as I finally got my shoes on and slung my purse over my shoulder.

  “Ellie…” If he wasn’t such a self-assured jackass, I might believe I heard a bit of pleading in his voice as he said my name. “You’ve been gone too long. It’s time to come home.”

  “This is my home,” I emphasized. “But if you wanna go back there now, go for it. Me, I’m gonna be late if I don’t leave this instant. Feel free to eat whatever though. There is a ton of food in the fridge.”

  He said nothing else as I opened the door and walked through, shutting it quietly behind me.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  The moment I sat down at my desk, my boss buzzed me. “Elizabeth, would you come into my office please?”

  Something in his tone of voice had my stomach clenching with anxiety.

  Not bothering to respond to him, I rose to my feet on uncertain legs and walked slowly toward the door. Taking a deep breath, I opened it and walked in, choosing to just stand in the doorway until I was further instructed.

  It didn’t take long.

  “Please, close the door and have a seat. Would you like a drink?”

  I shook my head and closed the door quietly, before walking deeper into the room and sitting down.

  Nolan Reynolds was the nicest man I had ever met. Taking me in fresh out of college five years before, he’d given a chance to a Business student from the middle of nowhere. To be fair, I’d had a four-point-oh GPA and an activity filled resume. Even though I’d had horrible depression my final year, school was something I’d worked hard at and wasn’t going to let that go up in flames as my relationship with Stefan had. Getting a job across the country just when I’d needed it had been perfect.

  Right now, Nolan was watching me with sad eyes and I knew this visit wasn’t a good one.

  “The company is downsizing,” he began and unable to handle the sudden empathy in his face, I looked away, desperate to see anything but his sad gaze. My eyes finally settled on my hands. “I’m afraid that although I tried to save your job, the board said we have to give preference to those with seniority and unfortunately, that list is long. There aren’t enough spots for me to keep you on.”

  There it was. I couldn’t believe I was being let go.

  As tears pricked at my eyes and slowly spilled down my cheeks, I sniffled. I heard rather than saw Nolan pull a tissue out of the box and lean over his desk, crumpling some papers beneath his body.

  “Here, Elizabeth,” he said softly, hanging the tissue in my face. “I’m so sorry. I truly argued with them for hours about it.”

  Grabbing it, I wiped my face and made sure I was okay before looking up. He had sat back down and was just watching me, hands clasped on top of his desk.

  “Well, thanks for breaking it to me in private.”

  He nodded. “They just brought down the final decision this morning. I was hoping they’d change their mind last minute but they said anyone who is being let go needs to be gone by Friday. I figured it a kindness to tell you sooner rather than later.”

  “I will clean out my desk then. Thanks Nolan,” I murmured, standing up.

  As I turned to walk away, he spoke. “Do you know where you’ll go?”

  With a humorless laugh, I threw my hands up in the air, glancing over my shoulder at him. “Wouldn’t you know, as luck would have it, I just inherited a house last week. In my hometown.”

  His wince at that told me he knew exactly whose house I had inherited.

  “Just…,” he coughed. “Feel free to put me down as a reference. You were an excellent employee and I will help you try to get any job you desire. Whoever hires you will be one lucky s.o.b.”

  Throwing a watery smile his way, I nodded. “Thanks. I will do that.”

  With that, I walked out to my desk and starting placing the very few things I had there into my purse.

  As I headed to the elevator, I really had no desire to go back to my apartment. Stefan would know instantly that I’d lost my job and then his harping for me to go home would never cease. Not that I wasn’t seriously considering it right now.

  After all, I didn’t have many ties to this area. I had never been much of a social person - especially after that night so long ago - which made the job here most of my adult interaction. There had been an occasional late night where we’d order food and chat while working on projects. As Nolan’s executive assistant, I’d attended most meetings with him and we had become really close. I had taken him at his word that he’d fought for me but I also knew how business ran. He might have an important position here, yet when it came to hiring and firing, that meant nothing compared to the Board of Director’s decisions.

  I had never gotten close to anyone though. The only person I’d dated in all these years I had met in my therapist’s office. She hadn’t been happy but we both avoided talking about the other during sessions. I hadn’t really wanted to discuss him anyway - I’d been there to work out other things. Once the relationship had ended, I’d stopped going to therapy and right now, I really regretted that. I could use someone to talk to.

  So as I stepped off the elevator and exited the building, Pulling out my cell phone, I searched through the contacts until I found the person I was looking for. Someone who had never let me down and that I knew I could count on to give me some good advice.

  Grace.

  ~*~

  Grace sounded breathless as she picked up the phone.

  “Hello?”

  Then I remembered she still only had a house phone, which she had probably run to from across the house.

  “Grace, it’s Elizabeth.”

  “Oh! Hey!” Her voice instantly perked up. “How are you doing?”

  “Besides just losing my job, I’m fucking terrific!” My voice broke.

  “Wow, sorry to hear that. What will you do?”

  I sighed into the phone. “Honestly, I have no idea! I’ve not got much keeping me here honestly. The good news is that I’ve still got three weeks of this month to move out if I decide to do that. I’ll have to eat my deposit with the lack of notice, though.”

  “Are…are you coming back home?” Her voice had gone quiet.

  “I might,” I admitted. “After all, I am the proud owner of Liliana’s house now.”

  “Yeah…”

  When she didn’t say anything else, I changed the subject as I climbed into my car.

  “How is Lyndsey?”

  I was asking about her daughter. I’d seen a picture here and there, along with our random Skype chats. She had green eyes and was the spitting image of her mother, except for her strawberry blond hair. Grace had found out she was pregnant just three months after I’d left town, which had shocked me but she told me it was the result of a one night stand. The father was a scumbag who apparently didn’t see his daughter and Grace refused to even talk about what would happen when Lyndsey got curious one day.

  “She’s great! She’ll turn four in just five weeks, I can’t believe it!”

  “I can’t either.” And really, I couldn’t. Time seemed to have flown by and for the first time in years, I’d realized how much time had passed. It was like waking up after a very vivid dream that had seemed so real, but wasn’t. That was my life here, and now I was going to have to deal with all the feelings I’d buried, and the people I’d hurt when I’d left behind.

  I wasn’t sure I could make it up to Stefan, nor was I convinced a second attempt at our relationship would work. With Liliana gone, I was glad I’
d gotten to see her even if it had brought the memories rushing back with a vengeance. And my mother…I wasn’t looking forward to facing all our problems head on. Yet, right now, I knew that it was the decent thing to do.

  “I suppose by then I’ll be in town. Are you throwing a birthday party for her?”

  “Yeah! Mostly friends and family, but of course, you are welcome to come!”

  She was back to her perky attitude again so I decided to leave out the fact that Stefan was visiting me. I’m sure I’d hear a long spiel about how I needed to move on. She’d never liked him after he’d walked away, even though she hadn’t understood my depression. I’d spent the rest of that summer with Liliana and Grace had never known the truth either.

  But she’d never walked away like Stefan had. Instead, I’d been the one who had left town and gotten a job far away.

  “Great. I’ll let you know what I decide. I gotta drive home now.”

  “Okay! Lyndsey is calling for me anyway! Talk later!”

  Hanging up, I sat in my car for a few more minutes as I contemplated my options.

  Losing my job was truly unexpected but I wasn’t surprised for some reason. I’d know that one day, my past would catch up with me and I’d have no choice but to deal with it. True, I didn’t have to go all the way across the country to my hometown. I could stay here and job hunt as I had enough in savings to last a year or more if I cut back just a bit.

  Then again, that also meant I could go back and settle in, see if I truly wanted to stay there without needing to find work. Patch things up with my mother, which would involve divulging those long ago summer months when all I’d wanted to do was crawl into a hole and die. Aside from Liliana, the only blessing at the time had been the fact I had no recollection of the sexual assault - and I still didn’t. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to remember and I stayed grateful for that small boon.

  Either way, as I put my car into gear and drove out of the parking garage, I knew that only one thing mattered.