The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves

by T. Smollett

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CONTAINING ADVENTURES OF CHIVALRY EQUALLY NEW AND SURPRISING.

  The knight Sir Launcelot, and the novice Crowe, retreated with equalorder and expedition to the distance of half a league from the field ofbattle, where the former, halting, proposed to make a lodgment in a verydecent house of entertainment, distinguished by the sign of St. George ofCappadocia encountering the dragon, an achievement in which temporal andspiritual chivalry were happily reconciled. Two such figures alightingat the inn gate did not pass through the yard unnoticed and unadmired bythe guests and attendants, some of whom fairly took to their heels, onthe supposition that these outlandish creatures were the avant-couriersor heralds of a French invasion. The fears and doubts, however, of thosewho ventured to stay were soon dispelled, when our hero accosted them inthe English tongue, and with the most courteous demeanour desired to beshown into an apartment.

  Had Captain Crowe been spokesman, perhaps their suspicions would not haveso quickly subsided, for he was, in reality, a very extraordinary novice,not only in chivalry, but also in his external appearance, andparticularly in those dialects of the English language which are used bythe terrestrial animals of this kingdom. He desired the ostler to takehis horse in tow, and bring him to his moorings in a safe riding. Heordered the waiter, who showed them into a parlour, to bear a hand, shiphis oars, mind his helm, and bring alongside a short allowance of brandyor grog, that he might cant a slug into his bread-room, for there wassuch a heaving and pitching, that he believed he should shift hisballast. The fellow understood no part of this address but the wordbrandy, at mention of which he disappeared. Then Crowe, throwing himselfinto an elbow chair, "Stop my hawse-holes," cried he, "I can't thinkwhat's the matter, brother; but, egad, my head sings and simmers like apot of chowder. My eyesight yaws to and again, d'ye see; then there'ssuch a walloping and whushing in my hold--smite me--Lord have mercy uponus. Here, you swab, ne'er mind the glass, hand me the noggin."

  The latter part of this address was directed to the waiter, who hadreturned with a quartern of brandy, which Crowe, snatching eagerly,started into his bread-room at one cant. Indeed, there was no time to belost, inasmuch as he seemed to be on the verge of fainting away when heswallowed this cordial, by which he was instantaneously revived.

  He then desired the servant to unbuckle the straps of his helmet, butthis was a task which the drawer could not perform, even though assistedwith the good offices of Sir Launcelot, for the head and jaws were somuch swelled with the discipline they had undergone, that the straps andbuckles lay buried, as it were, in pits formed by the tumefaction of theadjacent parts.

  Fortunately for the novice, a neighbouring surgeon passed by the door onhorseback, a circumstance which the waiter, who saw him from the window,no sooner disclosed, than the knight had recourse to his assistance.This practitioner having viewed the whole figure, and more particularlythe head of Crowe, in silent wonder, proceeded to feel his pulse, andthen declared, that as the inflammation was very great, and going on withviolence to its acme, it would be necessary to begin with copiousphlebotomy, and then to empty the intestinal canal. So saying, he beganto strip the arm of the captain, who perceiving his aim, "Avast,brother," cried he, "you go the wrong way to work; you may as wellrummage the afterhold when the damage is in the forecastle; I shall rightagain when my jaws are unhooped."

  With these words he drew a clasp-knife from his pocket, and, advancing toa glass, applied it so vigorously to the leathern straps of hisheadpiece, that the gordian knot was cut, without any other damage to hisface than a moderate scarification, which, added to the tumefaction offeatures naturally strong, and a whole week's growth of a very bushybeard, produced on the whole a most hideous caricatura. After all, therewas a necessity for the administration of the surgeon, who found diverscontusions on different parts of the skull, which even the tin cap hadnot been able to protect from the weapons of the rustics.

  These being shaved and dressed secundum artem, and the operator dismissedwith a proper acknowledgment, our knight detached one of the post-boys tothe field of action for intelligence concerning Mr. Clarke and squireTimothy, and, in the interim, desired to know the particulars of Crowe'sadventures since he parted from him at the White Hart.

  A connected relation, in plain English, was what he had little reason toexpect from the novice, who, nevertheless, exerted his faculties to theuttermost for his satisfaction. He give him to understand, that insteering his course to Birmingham, where he thought of fitting himselfwith tackle, he had fallen in, by accident, at a public-house, with anitinerant tinker, in the very act of mending a kettle; that, seeing himdo his business like an able workman, he had applied to him for advice,and the tinker, after having considered the subject, had undertaken tomake him such a suit of armour as neither sword nor lance shouldpenetrate; that they adjourned to the next town, where the leather coat,the plates of tinned iron, the lance, and the broadsword, were purchased,together with a copper saucepan, which the artist was now at work upon inconverting it to a shield; but in the meantime, the captain, beingimpatient to begin his career of chivalry, had accommodated himself witha pot-lid, and taken to the highway, notwithstanding all the entreaties,tears, and remonstrances of his nephew, Tom Clarke, who could not howeverbe prevailed upon to leave him in the dangerous voyage he had undertaken.

  That this being but the second day of his journey, he descried five orsix men on horseback bearing up full in his teeth, upon which he threwhis sails aback, and prepared for action; that he hailed them at aconsiderable distance, and bade them bring to; when they came alongside,notwithstanding his hail, he ordered them to clew up their courses, andfurl their topsails, otherwise he would be foul of their quarters; that,hearing this salute, they luffed all at once, till their cloth shook inthe wind; then he hallooed in a loud voice, that his sweetheart, BesseliaMizzen, were the broad pendant of beauty, to which they must strike theirtopsails on pain of being sent to the bottom; that, after having eyed himfor some time with astonishment, they clapped on all their sails, some ofthem running under his stern, and others athwart his forefoot, and gotclear off; that, not satisfied with running ahead, they all of a suddentacked about, and one of them boarding him on the lee-quarter, gave himsuch a drubbing about his upper works, that the lights danced in hislanterns; that he returned the salute with his hop-pole so effectuallythat his aggressor broached to in the twinkling of a handspike, and thenhe was engaged with all the rest of the enemy, except one, who sheeredoff, and soon returned with a mosquito fleet of small craft, who had donehim considerable damage, and, in all probability, would have made prizeof him, had n't he been brought off by the knight's gallantry. He said,that in the beginning of the conflict Tom Clarke rode up to the foremostof the enemy, as he did suppose in order to prevent hostilities, butbefore he got up to him near enough to hold discourse, he was pooped witha sea that almost sent him to the bottom, and then towed off he knew notwhither.

  Crowe had scarce finished his narration, which consisted of broken hintsand unconnected explosions of sea terms, when a gentleman of theneighbourhood, who acted in the commission of the peace, arrived at thegate, attended by a constable, who had in custody the bodies of ThomasClarke and Timothy Crabshaw, surrounded by five men on horseback, and aninnumerable posse of men, women, and children, on foot. The captain, whoalways kept a good look-out, no sooner descried this cavalcade andprocession, than he gave notice to Sir Launcelot, and advised that theyshould crowd away with all the cloth they could carry. Our adventurerwas of another opinion, and determined, at any rate, to procure theenlargement of the prisoners.

  The justice, ordering his attendants to stay without the gate, sent hiscompliments to Sir Launcelot Greaves, and desired to speak with him for afew minutes. He was immediately admitted, and could not help staring atsight of Crowe, who, by this time, had no remains of the humanphysiognomy, so much was the swelling increased and the skin discoloured.The gentleman, whose name was Mr. Elmy, having made a polite apology f
orthe liberty he had taken, proceeded to unfold his business. He said,information had been lodged with him, as a justice of the peace, againsttwo armed men on horseback, who had stopped five farmers on the king'shighway, put them in fear and danger of their lives, and even assaulted,maimed, and wounded divers persons, contrary to the king's peace, and inviolation of the statute; that, by the description, he supposed theknight and his companion to be the persons against whom the complaint hadbeen lodged; and, understanding his quality from Mr. Clarke, whom he hadknown in London, he was come to wait upon him, and, if possible, effectan accommodation.

  Our adventurer having thanked him for the polite and obliging manner inwhich he proceeded, frankly told him the whole story, as it had been justrelated by the captain; and Mr. Elmy had no reason to doubt the truth ofthe narrative, as it confirmed every circumstance which Clarke had beforereported. Indeed, Tom had been very communicative to this gentleman, andmade him acquainted with the whole history of Sir Launcelot Greaves, aswell as with the whimsical resolution of his uncle, Captain Crowe. Mr.Elmy now told the knight, that the persons whom the captain had stoppedwere farmers, returning from a neighbouring market, a set of peoplenaturally boorish, and at that time elevated with ale to an uncommonpitch of insolence; that one of them, in particular, called Prickle, wasthe most quarrelsome fellow in the whole county; and so litigious, thathe had maintained above thirty lawsuits, in eight-and-twenty of which hehad been condemned in costs. He said the others might be easilyinfluenced in the way of admonition; but there was no way of dealing withPrickle, except by the form and authority of the law. He thereforeproposed to hear evidence in a judicial capacity, and his clerk being inattendance, the court was immediately opened in the knight's apartment.

  By this time Mr. Clarke had made such good use of his time in explainingthe law to his audience, and displaying the great wealth and unboundedliberality of Sir Launcelot Greaves, that he had actually brought over tohis sentiments the constable and the commonalty, tag-rag, and bob-tail,and even staggered the majority of the farmers, who, at first, hadbreathed nothing but defiance and revenge. Farmer Stake being firstcalled to the bar, and sworn touching the identity of Sir LauncelotGreaves and Captain Crowe, declared, that the said Crowe had stopped himon the king's highway, and put him in bodily fear; that he afterwards sawthe said Crowe with a pole or weapon, value threepence, breaking theking's peace, by committing assault and battery against the heads andshoulders of his majesty's liege subjects, Geoffrey Prickle, Hodge Dolt,Richard Bumpkin, Mary Fang, Catherine Rubble, and Margery Litter; andthat he saw Sir Launcelot Greaves, Baronet, aiding, assisting, andcomforting the said Crowe, contrary to the king's peace, and against theform of the statute.

  Being asked if the defendant, when he stopped them, demanded their money,or threatened violence, he answered he could not say, inasmuch as thedefendant spoke in an unknown language. Being interrogated if thedefendant did not allow them to pass without using any violence, and ifthey did not pass unmolested, the deponent replied in the affirmative.Being required to tell for what reason they returned, and if thedefendant Crowe was not assaulted before he began to use his weapon, thedeponent made no answer. The depositions of farmer Bumpkin and Muggins,as well as of Madge Litter and Mary Fang, were taken to much the samepurpose; and his worship earnestly exhorted them to an accommodation,observing, that they themselves were in fact the aggressors, and thatCaptain Crowe had done no more than exerted himself in his own defence.

  They were all pretty well disposed to follow his advice, except farmerPrickle, who, entering the court with a bloody handkerchief about hishead, declared that the law should determine it at next 'size; and in themeantime insisted that the defendants should find immediate bail, or goto prison, or be set in the stocks. He affirmed that they had beenguilty of an affray, in appearing with armour and weapons not usuallyworn, to the terror of others, which is in itself a breach of the peace;but that they had, moreover, with force of arms, that is to say, withswords, staves, and other warlike instruments, by turns, made an assaultand affray, to the terror and disturbance of him and divers subjects ofour lord the King, then and there being, and to the evil and perniciousexample of the liege people of the said lord the King, and against thepeace of our said lord the King, his crown and dignity.

  The peasant had purchased a few law terms at a considerable expense, andhe thought he had a right to turn his knowledge to the annoyance of allhis neighbours. Mr. Elmy, finding him obstinately deaf to all proposalsof accommodation, held the defendants to very moderate bail, the landlordand the curate of the parish freely offering themselves as sureties. Mr.Clarke, with Timothy Crabshaw, against whom nothing appeared, were nowset at liberty; when the former, advancing to his worship, gaveinformation against Geoffrey Prickle, and declared upon oath that he hadseen him assault Captain Crowe without any provocation; and when he, thedeponent, interposed to prevent further mischief, the said Prickle hadlikewise assaulted and wounded him, the deponent, and detained him forsome time in false imprisonment, without warrant or authority.

  In consequence of this information, which was corroborated by diversevidences, selected from the mob at the gate, the tables were turned uponfarmer Prickle, who was given to understand, that he must either findbail, or be forthwith imprisoned. This honest boor, who was in opulentcircumstances, had made such popular use of the benefits he possessed,that there was not a housekeeper in the parish who would not haverejoiced to see him hanged. His dealings and connexions, however, weresuch, that none of the other four would have refused to bail him, had notClarke given them to understand that, if they did, he would make them allprincipals and parties, and have two separate actions against each.Prickle happened to be at variance with the innkeeper, and the curatedurst not disoblige the vicar, who at that very time was suing the farmerfor the small tithes. He offered to deposit a sum equal to therecognisance of the knight's bail; but this was rejected, as an expedientcontrary to the practice of the courts. He sent for the attorney of thevillage, to whom he had been a good customer; but the lawyer was huntingevidence in another county. The exciseman presented himself as a surety;but he not being an housekeeper, was not accepted. Divers cottagers, whodepended on farmer Prickle, were successively refused, because they couldnot prove that they had paid scot and lot, and parish taxes.

  The farmer, finding himself thus forlorn, and in imminent danger ofvisiting the inside of a prison, was seized with a paroxysm of rage,during which he inveighed against the bench, reviled the two adventurerserrant, declared that he believed, and would lay a wager of twentyguineas, that he had more money in his pocket than e'er a man in thecompany; and in the space of a quarter of an hour swore forty oaths,which the justice did not fail to number. "Before we proceed to othermatters," said Mr. Elmy, "I order you to pay forty shillings for theoaths you have sworn, otherwise I will cause you to be set in the stockswithout further ceremony."

  Prickle, throwing down a couple of guineas, with two execrations more tomake up the sum, declared that he could afford to pay for swearing aswell as e'er a justice in the county, and repeated his challenge of thewager, which our adventurer now accepted, protesting, at the same time,that it was not a step taken from any motive of pride, but entirely witha view to punish an insolent plebeian, who could not otherwise bechastised without a breach of the peace. Twenty guineas being depositedon each side in the hands of Mr. Elmy, Prickle, with equal confidence anddespatch, produced a canvas bag, containing two hundred and seventypounds, which, being spread upon the table, made a very formidable show,that dazzled the eyes of the beholders, and induced many of them tobelieve he had ensured his conquest.

  Our adventurer, asking if he had anything further to offer, and beinganswered in the negative, drew forth, with great deliberation, apocket-book, in which there was a considerable parcel of bank-notes,from which he selected three of one hundred pounds each, and exhibitedthem upon the table, to the astonishment of all present. Prickle, madwith his overthrow and loss, said, it might be necessar
y to make himprove the notes were honestly come by; and Sir Launcelot started up, inorder to take vengeance upon him for this insult, but was withheld by thearms and remonstrances of Mr. Elmy, who assured him that Prickle desirednothing so much as another broken head, to lay the foundation of a newprosecution.

  The knight, calmed by this interposition, turned to the audience, saying,with the most affable deportment, "Good people, do not imagine that Iintend to pocket the spoils of such a contemptible rascal. I shall begthe favour of this worthy gentleman to take up these twenty guineas, anddistribute them as he shall think proper among the poor of the parish;but, by this benefaction, I do not hold myself acquitted for the share Ihad in the bruises some of you have received in this unlucky fray, andtherefore I give the other twenty guineas to be divided among thesufferers, to each according to the damage he or she shall appear to havesustained; and I shall consider it as an additional obligation, if Mr.Elmy will likewise superintend this retribution."

  At the close of this address, the whole yard and gateway rung withacclamation, while honest Crowe, whose generosity was not inferior evento that of the accomplished Greaves, pulled out his purse, and declared,that, as he had begun the engagement, he would at least go share andshare alike in new caulking their seams, and repairing their timbers.The knight, rather than enter into a dispute with his novice, told him heconsidered the twenty guineas as given by them both in conjunction, andthat they would confer together on that subject hereafter.

  This point being adjusted, Mr. Elmy assumed all the solemnity of themagistrate, and addressed himself to Prickle in these words: "FarmerPrickle, I am both sorry and ashamed to see a man of your years andcircumstances so little respected, that you cannot find sufficient bailfor forty pounds; a sure testimony that you have neither cultivated thefriendship, nor deserved the goodwill of your neighbours. I have heardof your quarrels and your riots, your insolence and litigiousdisposition, and often wished for an opportunity of giving you a propertaste of the law's correction. That opportunity now offers; you have, inthe hearing of all these people, poured forth a torrent of abuse againstme, both in the character of a gentleman and of a magistrate. Yourabusing me personally perhaps I should have overlooked with the contemptit deserves, but I should ill vindicate the dignity of my office as amagistrate, by suffering you to insult the bench with impunity. I shalltherefore imprison you for contempt, and you shall remain in jail untilyou can find bail on the other prosecutions."

  Prickle, the first transports of his anger having subsided, began to bepricked with the thorns of compunction; he was indeed extremely mortifiedat the prospect of being sent to jail so disgracefully. His countenancefell; and, after a hard internal struggle, while the clerk was employedin writing the mittimus, he said he hoped his worship would not send himto prison. He begged pardon of him, and our adventurers, for havingabused them in his passion; and observed, that, as he had received abroken head, and paid two-and-twenty guineas for his folly, he could notbe said to have escaped altogether without punishment, even if theplaintiff should agree to exchange releases.

  Sir Launcelot, seeing this stubborn rustic effectually humbled, became anadvocate in his favour with Mr. Elmy, and Tom Clarke, who forgave him athis request; and a mutual release being executed, the farmer waspermitted to depart. The populace were regaled at our adventurer'sexpense; and the men, women, and children, who had been wounded orbruised in the battle, to the number of ten or a dozen, were desired towait upon Mr. Elmy in the morning, to receive the knight's bounty. Thejustice was prevailed upon to spend the evening with Sir Launcelot andhis two companions, for whom supper was bespoke; but the first thing thecook prepared was a poultice for Crowe's head, which was now enlarged toa monstrous exhibition. Our knight, who was all kindness andcomplacency, shook Mr. Clarke by the hand, expressing his satisfaction atmeeting with his old friends again; and told him softly, that he hadcompliments for him from Mrs. Dolly Cowslip, who now lived with hisAurelia.

  Clarke was confounded at this intelligence, and, after some hesitation,"Lord bless my soul!" cried he, "I'll be shot, then, if the pretendedMiss Meadows wa'n't the same as Miss Darnel!" He then declared himselfextremely glad that poor Dolly had got into such an agreeable situation,passed many warm encomiums on her goodness of heart and virtuousinclinations, and concluded with appealing to the knight, whether she didnot look very pretty in her green joseph. In the meantime, he procured aplaster for his own head, and helped to apply the poultice to that of hisuncle, who was sent to bed betimes with a moderate dose of sack-whey, topromote perspiration. The other three passed the evening to their mutualsatisfaction; and the justice, in particular, grew enamoured of theknight's character, dashed as it was with extravagance.

  Let us now leave them to the enjoyment of a sober and rationalconversation, and give some account of other guests, who arrived late inthe evening, and here fixed their night quarters. But as we have alreadytrespassed on the reader's patience, we shall give him a short respite,until the next chapter makes its appearance.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  IN WHICH THE RAYS OF CHIVALRY SHINE WITH RENOVATED LUSTRE.