The Adventures of Sir Launcelot Greaves

by T. Smollett

  Our hero little dreamed that he had a formidable rival in the person ofthe knight, who arrived about eleven, at the sign of the St. George, and,by the noise he made, gave intimation of his importance. This was noother than Squire Sycamore, who, having received advice that Miss AureliaDarnel had eloped from the place of her retreat, immediately took thefield in quest of that lovely fugitive; hoping that, should he have thegood fortune to find her in present distress, his good offices would notbe rejected. He had followed the chase so close, that, immediately afterour adventurer's departure, he alighted at the inn, from whence Aureliahad been conveyed; and there he learned the particulars which we haverelated above.

  Mr. Sycamore had a great deal of the childish romantic in hisdisposition, and, in the course of his amours, is said to have alwaystaken more pleasure in the pursuit than in the final possession. He hadheard of Sir Launcelot's extravagance, by which he was in some measureinfected, and he dropped an insinuation, that he could eclipse his rival,even in his own lunatic sphere. This hint was not lost upon hiscompanion, counsellor, and buffoon, the facetious Davy Dawdle, who hadsome humour, and a great deal of mischief, in his composition. He lookedupon his patron as a fool, and his patron knew him to be both knave andfool; yet, the two characters suited each other so well, that they couldhardly exist asunder. Davy was an artful sycophant, but he did notflatter in the usual way; on the contrary, he behaved en cavalier, andtreated Sycamore, on whose bounty he subsisted, with the most sarcasticfamiliarity. Nevertheless, he seasoned his freedom with certainqualifying ingredients, that subdued the bitterness of it, and was nowbecome so necessary to the squire, that he had no idea of enjoyment withwhich Dawdle was not somehow or other connected.

  There had been a warm dispute betwixt them about the scheme of contestingthe prize with Sir Launcelot in the lists of chivalry. Sycamore hadinsinuated, that if he had a mind to play the fool, he could wear armour,wield a lance, and manage a charger, as well as Sir Launcelot Greaves.Dawdle, snatching the hint, "I had, some time ago," said he, "contrived ascheme for you, which I was afraid you had not address enough to execute.It would be no difficult matter, in imitation of the bachelor, SampsonCarrasco, to go in quest of Greaves, as a knight-errant, defy him as arival, and establish a compact, by which the vanquished should obey theinjunctions of the victor."--"That is my very idea," cried Sycamore."--Your idea!" replied the other; "had you ever an idea of your ownconception?" Thus the dispute began, and was maintained with greatvehemence, until other arguments failing, the squire offered to lay awager of twenty guineas. To this proposal, Dawdle answered by theinterjection pish! which inflamed Sycamore to a repetition of thedefiance. "You are in the right," said Dawdle, "to use such an argumentas you know is by me unanswerable. A wager of twenty guineas will at anytime overthrow and confute all the logic of the most able syllogist, whohas not got a shilling in his pocket."

  Sycamore looked very grave at this declaration, and, after a short pause,said, "I wonder, Dawdle, what you do with all your money?"--"I amsurprised you should give yourself that trouble--I never ask what you dowith yours."--"You have no occasion to ask; you know pretty well how itgoes."--"What, do you upbraid me with your favours?--'t is mighty well,Sycamore."--"Nay, Dawdle, I did not intend to affront."--"Z----s!affront! what d'ye mean?" "I'll assure you, Davy, you don't know me, ifyou think I could be so ungenerous as to--a--to----"--"I always thought,whatever faults or foibles you might have, Sycamore, that you was notdeficient in generosity,--though to be sure it is often very absurdlydisplayed."--"Ay, that's one of my greatest foibles; I can't refuse evena scoundrel, when I think he is in want.--Here, Dawdle, take that note."--"Not I, sir,--what d'ye mean?--what right have I to your notes?"--"Nay, but Dawdle,--come."--"By no means; it looks like the abuse ofgood-nature;--all the world knows you're good-natured to a fault."--"Come, dear Davy, you shall--you must oblige me."--Thus urged, Dawdleaccepted the bank-note with great reluctance, and restored the idea tothe right owner.

  A suit of armour being brought from the garret or armoury of hisancestors, he gave orders for having the pieces scoured and furbished up;and his heart dilated with joy, when he reflected upon the superb figurehe should make when cased in complete steel, and armed at all points forthe combat.

  When he was fitted with the other parts, Dawdle insisted on buckling onhis helmet, which weighed fifteen pounds; and, the headpiece beingadjusted, made such a clatter about his ears with a cudgel, that his eyeshad almost started from their sockets. His voice was lost within thevizor, and his friend affected not to understand his meaning when he madesigns with his gauntlets, and endeavoured to close with him, that hemight wrest the cudgel from his hand. At length he desisted, saying,"I'll warrant the helmet sound by its ringing"; and taking it off, foundthe squire in a cold sweat. He would have achieved his first exploit onthe spot, had his strength permitted him to assault Dawdle; but what withwant of air, and the discipline he had undergone, he had well-nighswooned away; and before he retrieved the use of his members, he wasappeased by the apologies of his companion, who protested he meantnothing more than to try if the helmet was free of cracks, and whether ornot it would prove a good protection for the head it covered.

  His excuses were accepted; the armour was packed up, and next morning Mr.Sycamore set out from his own house, accompanied by Dawdle, who undertookto perform the part of his squire at the approaching combat. He was alsoattended by a servant on horseback, who had charge of the armour, andanother who blowed the trumpet. They no sooner understood that our herowas housed at the George, than the trumpeter sounded a charge, whichalarmed Sir Launcelot and his company, and disturbed honest Captain Crowein the middle of his first sleep. Their next step was to pen achallenge, which, when the stranger departed, was by the trumpeterdelivered with great ceremony into the hands of Sir Launcelot, who readit in these words:--"To the knight of the Crescent, greeting. Whereas Iam informed you have the presumption to lay claim to the heart of thepeerless Aurelia Darnel, I give you notice that I can admit no rivalshipin the affection of that paragon of beauty; and I expect that you willeither resign your pretensions, or make it appear in single combat,according to the law of arms and the institutions of chivalry, that youare worthy to dispute her favour with him of the Griffin.--POLYDORE."

  Our adventurer was not a little surprised at this address, which howeverhe pocketed in silence, and began to reflect, not without mortification,that he was treated as a lunatic by some person, who wanted to amusehimself with the infirmities of his fellow-creatures. Mr. Thomas Clarke,who saw the ceremony with which the letter was delivered, and theemotions with which it was read, hied him to the kitchen forintelligence, and there learned that the stranger was Squire Sycamore.He forthwith comprehended the nature of the billet, and, in theapprehension that bloodshed would ensue, resolved to alarm his uncle,that he might assist in keeping the peace. He accordingly entered theapartment of the captain, who had been waked by the trumpet, and nowpeevishly asked the meaning of that d--ned piping, as if all hands werecalled upon deck? Clarke having imparted what he knew of thetransaction, together with his own conjectures, the captain said, he didnot suppose as how they would engage by candlelight; and that, for hisown part, he should turn out in the larboard watch, long enough beforeany signals could be hove out for forming the line.

  With this assurance the lawyer retired to his nest, where he did not failto dream of Mrs. Dolly Cowslip, while Sir Launcelot passed the nightawake, in ruminating on the strange challenge he had received. He hadgot notice that the sender was Mr. Sycamore, and hesitated with himselfwhether he should not punish him for his impertinence; but when hereflected on the nature of the dispute, and the serious consequences itmight produce, he resolved to decline the combat, as a trial of right andmerit founded upon absurdity. Even in his maddest hours, he neveradopted those maxims of knight-errantry which related to challenges. Healways perceived the folly and wickedness of defying a man to mortalfight, because he did not like the colour of his beard, or the complexion
of his mistress; or of deciding by homicide whether he or his rivaldeserved the preference, when it was the lady's prerogative to determinewhich should be the happy lover. It was his opinion that chivalry was anuseful institution while confined to its original purposes of protectingthe innocent, assisting the friendless, and bringing the guilty tocondign punishment. But he could not conceive how these laws should beanswered by violating every suggestion of reason, and every precept ofhumanity.

  Captain Crowe did not examine the matter so philosophically. He took itfor granted that in the morning the two knights would come to action, andslept sound on that supposition. But he rose before it was day, resolvedto be somehow concerned in the fray; and understanding that the strangerhad a companion, set him down immediately for his own antagonist. Soimpatient was he to establish this secondary contest, that by daybreak heentered the chamber of Dawdle, to which he was directed by the waiter,and roused him with a hilloah, that might have been heard at the distanceof half a league. Dawdle, startled by this terrific sound, sprung out ofbed, and stood upright on the floor, before he opened his eyes upon theobject by which he had been so dreadfully alarmed. But when he beheldthe head of Crowe, so swelled and swathed, so livid, hideous, and grisly,with a broadsword by his side, and a case of pistols in his girdle, hebelieved it was the apparition of some murdered man; his hair bristledup, his teeth chattered, and his knees knocked; he would have prayed, buthis tongue denied its office. Crowe seeing his perturbation, "Mayhap,friend," said he, "you take me for a buccaneer; but I am no such person.--My name is Captain Crowe.--I come not for your silver nor your gold,your rigging nor your stowage; but hearing as how your friend intends tobring my friend Sir Launcelot Greaves to action, d'ye see, I desire inthe way of friendship, that, while they are engaged, you and I, as theirseconds, may lie board and board for a few glasses to divert one another,d'ye see." Dawdle hearing this request, began to retrieve his faculties,and throwing himself into the attitude of Hamlet when the ghost appears,exclaimed in theatrical accent,

  Angels and ministers of grace defend us! Art thou a spirit of grace, or goblin damn'd?

  As he seemed to bend his eye on vacancy, the captain began to think thathe really saw something preternatural, and stared wildly round. Thenaddressing himself to the terrified Dawdle, "D--n'd," said he, "for whatshould I be d--n'd? If you are afeard of goblins, brother, put yourtrust in the Lord, and he'll prove a sheet-anchor to you." The otherhaving by this time recollected himself perfectly, continuednotwithstanding to spout tragedy, and, in the words of Macbeth,pronounced,

  What man dare, I dare: Approach thou like the rugged Russian bear, The arm'd rhinoceros, or Hyrcanian tiger; Take any shape but that, and my firm nerves Shall never tremble.

  "'Ware names, Jack," cried the impatient mariner, "if so be as how you'llbear a hand and rig yourself, and take a short trip with me into theoffing, we'll overhaul this here affair in the turning of a capstan."

  At this juncture they were joined by Mr. Sycamore in his night-gown andslippers. Disturbed by Crowe's first salute, he sprung up, and nowexpressed no small astonishment at first sight of the novice'scountenance. After having gazed alternately at him and Dawdle, "Who havewe got here?" said he; "raw head and bloody bones?" When his friend,slipping on his clothes, gave him to understand that this was a friend ofSir Launcelot Greaves, and explained the purport of his errand, hetreated him with more civility. He assured him that he should have thepleasure to break a spear with Mr. Dawdle; and signified his surprisethat Sir Launcelot had made no answer to his letter. It being by thistime clear daylight, and Crowe extremely interested in this affair, hebroke without ceremony into the knight's chamber, and told him abruptlythat the enemy had brought to, and waited for his coming up, in order tobegin the action. "I've hailed his consort," said he, "a shambling,chattering fellow. He took me first for a hobgoblin, then called menames, a tiger, a wrynoseo'ross, and a Persian bear; but egad, if I comeathwart him, I'll make him look like the bear and ragged staff before wepart,--I wool."

  This intimation was not received with that alacrity which the captainexpected to find in our adventurer, who told him in a peremptory tone,that he had no design to come to action, and desired to be left to hisrepose. Crowe forthwith retired crestfallen, and muttered something,which was never distinctly heard.

  About eight in the morning Mr. Dawdle brought him a formal message fromthe knight of the Griffin, desiring he would appoint the lists, and givesecurity of the field. To which request he made answer in a verycomposed and solemn accent, "If the person who sent you thinks I haveinjured him, let him without disguise or any such ridiculous ceremony,explain the nature of the wrong; and then I shall give such satisfactionas may suit my conscience and my character. If he hath bestowed hisaffection upon any particular object, and looks upon me as a favouriterival, I shall not wrong the lady so much as to take any step that mayprejudice her choice, especially a step that contradicts my own reason asmuch as it would outrage the laws of my country. If he who calls himselfknight of the Griffin is really desirous of treading in the paths of truechivalry, he will not want opportunities of signalising his valour in thecause of virtue.--Should he, notwithstanding this declaration, offerviolence to me in the course of my occasions, he will always find me in aposture of defence. Or, should he persist in repeating hisimportunities, I shall without ceremony chastise the messenger." Hisdeclining the combat was interpreted into fear by Mr. Sycamore, who nowbecame more insolent and ferocious, on the supposition of our knight'stimidity. Sir Launcelot meanwhile went to breakfast with his friends,and, having put on his armour, ordered the horses to be brought forth.Then he paid the bill, and walking deliberately to the gate, in presenceof Squire Sycamore and his attendants, vaulted at one spring into thesaddle of Bronzomarte, whose neighing and curveting proclaimed the joy hefelt in being mounted by his accomplished master.

  Though the knight of the Griffin did not think proper to insult his rivalpersonally, his friend Dawdle did not fail to crack some jokes on thefigure and horsemanship of Crowe, who again declared he should be glad tofall in with him upon the voyage. Nor did Mr. Clarke's black patch andrueful countenance pass unnoticed and unridiculed. As for TimothyCrabshaw, he beheld his brother squire with the contempt of a veteran;and Gilbert paid him his compliments with his heels at parting. But whenour adventurer and his retinue were clear of the inn, Mr. Sycamoreordered his trumpeter to sound a retreat, by way of triumph over hisantagonist.

  Perhaps he would have contented himself with this kind of victory, hadnot Dawdle further inflamed his envy and ambition, by launching out inpraise of Sir Launcelot. He observed that his countenance was open andmanly; his joints strong knit, and his form unexceptionable; that he trodlike Hercules, and vaulted into the saddle like a winged Mercury. Nay,he even hinted it was lucky for Sycamore that the knight of the Crescenthappened to be so pacifically disposed. His patron sickened at thesepraises, and took fire at the last observation. He affected toundervalue personal beauty, though the opinion of the world had beenfavourable to himself in that particular. He said he was at least twoinches taller than Greaves; and as to shape and air, he would make nocomparisons; but with respect to riding, he was sure he had a better seatthan Sir Launcelot, and would wager five hundred to fifty guineas, thathe would unhorse him at the first encounter. "There is no occasion forlaying wagers," replied Mr. Dawdle; "the doubt may be determined in halfan hour--Sir Launcelot is not a man to avoid you at full gallop."Sycamore, after some hesitation, declared he would follow and provoke himto battle, on condition that Dawdle would engage Crowe; and thiscondition was accepted. For, though Davy had no stomach to the trial, hecould not readily find an excuse for declining it. Besides, he haddiscovered the captain to be a very bad horseman, and resolved to eke outhis own scanty valour with a border of ingenuity. The servants wereimmediately ordered to unpack the armour, and, in a little time, Mr.Sycamore made a very formidable appearance. But the scene that followedis too im
portant to be huddled in at the end of a chapter; and thereforewe shall reserve it for a more conspicuous place in these memoirs.