I did everything I could to try to calm down. I tried deep breathing, I tried meditation I couldn't keep the feeling of helplessness at bay. Then I snapped. Actually it was more like rage that prompted me to hurl my cordless phone across the room, and smash the vase with the freshly cut flowers Julian insisted I always keep in the apartment. Insanity drove me to snatch up the useless phone that he bought for me; so what if it was all new and shiny? I smashed it into the ground like I couldn't get it to break down into enough pieces. Then after I was done breaking it, I cried. I bawled out loud like a child. While it probably sounded more like a wounded animal to someone who may have overheard me. All the pain I had been trying to compartmentalize during the last few months finally let loose. I cried until there were no more tears forming and I was so exhausted that I just curled up on my couch and passed out.
Ch 19 Man Down
Waking up with a rage hangover sucks. I lay in bed for a long while; like 40 minutes long, and tried to make heads or tails of my current situation. Julian had fallen of the face of the earth, again, and John’s level of being busy was beyond ridiculous. I really began to question just what he was doing out in California. The most thrilling aspect was the disaster zone waiting for me in my living room. Remnants of my temper tantrum. I needed help. My cell phone was somewhere in the midst of my destruction, so I grabbed my landline phone off the nightstand and called my cousin.
“Hey boo,” Jackie answered on the first ring.
“Man down,” I sighed.
“What’s wrong Jade? You sound wrecked,” she observed.
“I am a wreck and I caused a bigger wreck. I need you.” This was my cry for help. I couldn’t keep on trying to fight my way through my crazy life alone.
“OK. Tell me what’s going on.”
There was no way I would go into the details over the phone. “Please, just come over. You will see when you get here.” I hung up, knowing she was going to freak when she got here.
Getting dressed seemed like the hardest choice I ever had to make. For a moment, I considered calling her and telling her to forget it so that I could crawl back into my bed naked. It was almost as if all the progress I had made up until that point was erased. I didn’t have days to waste feeling pitiful, so I pulled on my black Capri sweat pants and a matching racer-back tank. My unruly hair was pulled into a messy bun on top of my head. The most I could do for breakfast was boiled eggs and toast. I hope she isn’t hungry.
My buzzer sounded moments after my eggs began to boil. I was actually relieved for Jackie’s company, almost as if I was sick of myself. I hadn’t seen her since the dinner disaster, and I missed her. Jackie used her key to let herself in, and I sat on a barstool in the breakfast nook so I could watch her reaction. Her slightly apprehensive expression quickly turned to one of complete horror. “Oh my God! Were you robbed?”
That made me laugh. With a heavy sigh and shrug of my lifeless shoulders, I tried to explain. “No, I wasn’t robbed. This is the aftermath of my nervous breakdown.” There wouldn’t be any jokes or sugarcoating this one. The look of shock was plastered to her face as she surveyed the damage, with a flash of appall when she laid eyes on my once cherished but now smashed painting.
“You did this? You’ve got to be kidding.” Her disbelief was very genuine. I could totally relate because I almost didn’t believe it, and I did it.
“I wish I could tell you this was a joke, but it is very real and very sad. I want it all to go away. I, just want it all to go away.” I cried out the last few words into the palm of my hands. Overwhelmed to the max, I let the flood of tears of emotions run free. I was too tired to fight against them like I normally did. Jackie’s eyes housed a few tears as she came to console me.
“Aw, Jade. Honey! I don’t know what to say. Tell me what you need me to do,” she offered as she held me and stroked my back. Times like this made me very glad that we were opposites. Not that I don’t know how to console or sympathize with others, it was just that Jackie was so darn good at it. She would make an excellent grief counselor. Lord knows she’s done more than enough, counseling me. Her holding me was actually working and I hung on to her for dear life, waiting to feel better.
“Thank you so much,” I managed to squeak out in-between sobs.
“I love you. I just hate seeing you like this. You never cry!”
“I hate feeling like this. I want to say I hate myself, but I can’t. I’m just very disappointed right now.”
“Jade. Welcome to humankind. Unfortunately, you seem to be making up for the lost time you spent in perfectville,” she joked.
“Well, I’m far from perfectville or anywhere like it right now. I just need help cleaning up this disaster.”
Jackie continued to look around, surveying the damage.
“Are you going to tell me what happened?” She turned to face me, still in a state of awe. I wanted to tell her the entire truth, about Edward, but I couldn’t. Ryan had been very clear on not involving her, due to her relationship
“I may need to sit down, because there is just too much going on for me right now.” She literally sat on the couch, and I went to check on my eggs as she got comfortable.
“Where do I start? OK, so you trashed your place because???”
“I just had a very weird and heated conversation with Edward about where Julian is. None of it really makes any sense,” I attempted to explain. I REALLY wanted to tell her about Edward, but Ryan had warned me against involving her too much. It was too risky since she was dating him.
“You’re right. No sense at all. You are driving yourself ape-shit over Jules, but yet you’re vacationing with John, your ex-boyfriend. And although you’ve been gifted this awesome vacation to sooth your ravaged soul, you still came home and trashed your own place? Yeah, no, I can’t say I get any of this. But I’m not here to get it. I’m just here to help.” Her questions were here passive aggressive way of telling me that she didn’t see why she should help me clean up a mess she felt was unnecessary. I wanted to scream at her, tell her that her boyfriend attacked me, but I knew she wouldn’t believe it, or she would try to call him and make things worse.
Taking a deep breath, I explained my altercation with Edward. I felt she needed to know that he was dangerous, even if I couldn’t enlighten her on just how much. When I was done she just sat there looking dumbfounded.
“You know we don’t discuss Julian. Edward refuses to. The only thing he will say is that he thinks you two should have stayed away from each other. He seems to think that whoever is trying to harm Julian has something to do with you.”
“Did you hear what I just said?” I was totally not expecting that to be what came out of her mouth.
“Well, before he dated you he didn’t seem to have these issues-“
“And you think that I have something to do with it? Me? I can’t believe you right now.” I slammed down my plate and snatched my bread out of the toaster.
“That’s not what I meant. It’s just that being with you is such an issue, not that you are the cause or reason,” she tried to backtrack.
“Jackie, please stop talking. Just forget it.” If we continued any further things were going to turn ugly.
“But you brought it up, and I was just telling you what he said. I don’t know why you’re getting all pissy about it. It’s just his speculation.”
“Yes, his speculation that you seem to agree with. That’s the part I’m pissy about. I really don’t give a fuck what Edward thinks. I thought you would show a little more concern that he’s a fuckin psychopath,” I spat out. Jackie heaved herself off of the couch.
“Hey! Look, you don’t have to like Edward but, he is my boyfriend so please try to watch what you say about him,” she countered.
Jesus, himself, must have been the mediator of our conversation, because instead of tackling her to the ground and strangling her, I planted my palms firmly on my counter and growled. “So it’s ok for him to say dirty rotten things to and about me,
attack me even, but It’s not ok for me to say that he’s crazy? I’m sorry, but have you seen my cousin? She was here just a moment ago!”
Jackie balled her hands up in a fist, but remained in place. “I don’t know why you have to get so ridiculous about everything. Do you want to rip me to shreds like everything else in here? Every time something is not what you want or to your liking you just want to destroy it! I can’t imagine what it must have been like for Julian to argue with you. Didn’t you two have a fight the night before he vanished?”
She used air quotes around the words vanished, and waves began crashing in my ears. I couldn’t decide between the anger and utter sadness that was gnawing at my chest, so I tried to breathe my way thru it. What was she talking about? As much as I was itching for a fight, this wasn’t going to be it. Deep down inside I knew that Jackie wouldn’t get it. After a few moments I was able to get my legs to move enough to shuffle to the stairs. “You can leave whenever you’re ready, Jackie,” I ground out as I rubbed my temples and headed back to my bed. Once I hit the top step I knew that the bed wouldn’t work, and I headed back to the shower. This time I let the hot water run as I cried out all my pain.
I couldn’t believe my cousin. She was so blinded by whatever she felt for Edward that she would believe anything he said. Which meant that she thought I was a liar? She was the one who encouraged my being with Julian in the first place, but now she was acting like I was the biggest dummy for having anything to do with him. I’m not vindictive, but God forbid Edward hurt her; I wasn’t going to be overly sympathetic about it. OK, maybe now I’m being a little dramatic.
After my shower I did what I had wanted to do earlier, and crawled straight into bed with no clothes on. It wouldn’t be long before my prescription sleeping pill kicked in and I snuggled into my down comforter in the meantime. A short while later, as I was dozing off, I felt the movement of someone crawling into my bed.
“I’m sorry Jade,” Jackie whispered.
I was able to ignore my impending tear fest in my drowsy state. “We never fight. I’m sorry I lost my temper with you. I just don’t have it together right now. I can’t even help it.” My voice was still shaky with emotion but no sobbing or bawling ensued.
“No, I’m sorry. I was mean, and I was wrong. All you did was love Julian. Anything else that may have happened isn’t your fault. The truth is that I haven’t heard from Edward all week. That’s why I was so pissy with you. I wanted to call you, but I know how you feel about him, and my mother couldn’t care less if he disappeared off the face of the earth.” She went on to tell me how weird Edward had been acting since our family dinner. He’d become cold and distant towards her, and was borderline hostile when he did engage her. I was glad she was finally coming to her senses. She also tried to reason why Julian was off the grid again. I appreciated her reassurance.
“So, are we gonna clean or what?” Jackie had a slight case of OCD.
“Ok, but after my nap. I already took my nap time cocktail.” I was ready to drift off.
“Oh, Jade…” Jackie was the only one who knew that I had prescriptions to help me sleep and for anxiety. I was actually surprised she had kept that secret, but glad for it. For some reason she was restless beside me.
“Jade, is it too much to ask you to put some clothes on?” She put a pillow between us.
“Yes, it is.”
Ch 20 Mambo #5
I opened my eyes to a semi-dark room. My clock read 6:13 pm, which means I had slept for almost 6 hours. I rolled over to an empty bed, but I wasn’t really surprised. There was, however, a clothing rack set up with a few outfits, and my luggage was unpacked. I do love that woman. Jackie had too much energy to take a six hour ‘nap’, plus she was a busy woman.
Ever since we did the first event for the Anglers that included her fashion show, she has been flooded with requests to do similar shows and personal styling. I was happy for her. After I put away my suitcases, I went downstairs to make a clean-up attempt. Halfway down I noticed that my place was clean, almost spotless. A few happy tears trickled out my eyes. I was truly blessed to have the people I had in my life. Even if they sometimes drove me nuts. I stopped to consider once again that the only dark clouds I had where, not surprisingly, linked to Julian. Is he really a mistake?
A faint buzzing caught my attention. I followed the noise until I found my regular cell phone, still intact but with a cracked screen, hidden underneath my couch. It was a text message from Donna.
D Awesome: Hey. I’m in the city. Are you home?”
Me: I’m home. Come on down
I needed to talk to her and was glad I caught her in time.
Prompted by a slight rumbling of my stomach, I checked my refrigerator for dinner prospects. Unless I wanted bacon and egg lettuce wraps, I was out of luck. Looks like Chinese.
Five minutes later, Donna was at my door. I was always excited to see her, and was glad that our friendship had grown. She was my lifesaver. After a quick hug I noted that she had her luggage with her as she headed for her favorite spot on my chaise. Before I could join her my buzzer went off.
“I hope you’re hungry. I ordered Chinese,” I announced.
“Fantastic, because I’m starving. I came right from meeting with Alex.”
“Oh boy. What happened?” I didn’t care if the food was getting cold.
“The usual. Begging, baby please I made a mistake. That crap. He swears he didn’t sleep with her.” She sounded half bitter and half hopeful.
“Well? Do you believe him?”
“I don’t know what to believe,” she sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it, really.”
I understood her reluctance to rehash her pain.
“Why don’t you grab a bottle of wine while I go meet the guy with our food.” I headed down to the lobby to get my dinner, and to ask who was on duty yesterday. Donovan was there when I got off the elevator.
“Miss Jade. So good to see you, my dear,” Donovan bellowed.
“Hi Donovan. How is everything?”
“Well, as good as should be. I really can’t complain,” he responded. I loved his accent. I learned that he was from Trinidad, which gave him a kind of sing-songy twang.
“Donovan, I have a question for you.” I couldn’t help my tone from turning serious. He immediately straightened and paid me rapt attention.
“Of course Jade. What is it?”
I went on to explain my run in with Edward, and how it seemed to be coincidental to my attack. Donovan looked truly surprised by my statement. He explained how Manny requested today off and offered to work Donovan’s shift the day before. Then he pulled out the visitor log to check to see if I had any registered visitors.
“OK. Let’s see. There was one guest signed into another tenant, but it was their daughter and she is a regular. The other entry’s where all service calls from regular vendors.” I wasn’t surprised at the lack of information he was able to provide. I had mixed emotions as I contemplated what I should do.
“Well, that’s not good. I’m glad you were off, but I’m going to have to file a formal complaint and request about this. Considering what happened to me this summer, and that fact that this is not the first unauthorized visit to my unit, I can’t let this go.” I was fully prepared to face this situation dead on. Either Manny was lazy, or he just didn’t give a damn about my safety. Or he’s working with Edward...
“I don’t know what to say. I totally agree that your safety was put at risk. I will help in whatever way I can. You have my word.” Donovan’s eyes were filled with concern.
“Thank you. I appreciate it Donovan. Well, let me go eat my food before it gets cold. I’ll talk to you later.
“Goodnight Miss Jade.”
My thoughts raced as I rode up the elevator. Donna had two glasses of Pinot Noir poured and waiting when I walked into the apartment.
“I was about to send out a search party for you. Nice mane by the way,” she said as she helped herself to a spring r
oll.
“Oh, you didn’t know? My hair looks like a cross between Diana Ross and Mustafa from the Lion King when I let it air dry without products.” I shook my head like a wild beast for effect.
“Oh wow, well I guess I know now. I feel bad for the doorman, and the delivery guy. They were probably frightened beyond belief!”
“Whatever! Donovan loves me. He didn’t even bat an eyelash. Speaking of which, I have to file a complaint against Manny, the other doorman.”
She set her glass down on the coffee table and cocked one eyebrow. “What’s going on?”
I sat down and served out our dinner as I recanted my story once again. I took a huge gulp of my wine and picked up my plate of vegetable lo mein. I hated not being able to tell her the entire story.
“Jade. Are you serious? This is not good. Do you think the incidents are connected? Or do you just think he’s careless?”
“I can’t say he’s careless because he makes sure the regular visitors and vendors sign in, but the random creepy visitors go unchecked? I find that a little weird.” I paused to shove a forkful of noodles into my mouth as I gave her time to digest my last phrase. Donna just looked at me pensively and clearly confused.
Only Her Heart (The Jaded Hearts Club) Page 16