“I really don’t know what to think about all of that, but it doesn’t feel right. I know that. Manny, huh? Where is he from? I know he’s Latino, but do you know what country?” She seemed to be on to something.
“Hmm. I see where you’re going with this. I’ll find out.” For some reason just thinking that made my spidey senses prickle.
Donna finished off her first glass of wine and poured herself another, then topped of my glass. Then she set her focus on me.
“I’m sure we will get to the bottom of this. But, what I really, really, want to know is what is going on with you and John? How was your vacation?” She kept her eyes glued to me as she waited for my answer.
“I knew it! And I was hoping you just wanted to see my pretty face!” I joked.
“Oh yeah! I especially love the untamed do. I’d travel day and night to see that,” She made a failed attempt to run her fingers through my curls.
At first, I just focused on the details of our trip. The places we visited, the weather, and the fun we had. I didn’t want to verbalize my concerns about our emotional connection, but I trusted Donna, and needed to get everything off my chest. When I was finished, we both sat there sharing the same sad expression.
“Jade. What are you doing with him? It’s like you keep him on the hook and then Julian shows up and you toss him aside. You know he still loves you. Did you think you could really take this trip and remain -friends? because I really don’t see that as being possible”. Please, don’t kill me, but have you thought that maybe he is the one you really want? Do you think that if Julian never left the first time, you would have been with John anyway?” Damn, I wasn’t expecting that.
“You know I love John. But there’s this crazy connection with Julian that just pulls at me. Like he’s always with me,” I tried to explain.
“Yeah,” Donna replied. “It’s called that Cuban Mojo.”
“Are you saying, that I’m whipped?” I asked.
“Let me guess. He looks deep into your eyes; tells you he can’t be without you; he told you you’re always with him too. Probably has a cute little nickname for you and everything.”
“Jesus, Donna!” If I didn’t know myself better I would have agreed with her 100%.
There’s no way this is a reversed pussy-whipping.
“What?” She asked incredulously. “Am I wrong?”
“Yes you're wrong! I mean, you are right, but that’s not all there is to us.”
“I know it wasn’t all sex, but I do know that it was a big part considering you hated him before he did the Mambo number 5 in your panties.” She was relentless. I plopped down on the couch as I tried to fight the feeling that she might be slightly right.
“The Mambo number 5? Really?” I had to laugh at that. Donna laughed as she stood up and did a sexy little grind of her hips and waist.
“Yeah, mami. You know I know all about that!” She crumpled back into her seat with the little yip she did sometimes. “And let’s face it honey, you don’t have much experience in that department. He could practically smell that sweet little Jamaican chocha and pulled out all the stops on your ass. I’ve seen this many times before, my friend.”
“OK! So, I don’t have a ton of experience in the ‘mambo’ department, but I can hold my own. I know what I feel Donna.”
“We will soon see, chica. My words don’t matter. You will be with the right man. Whoever he is.”
I just shrugged my shoulders. Only time would tell the outcome. Deciding to shift the focus from my floundering relationships, I pushed her to talk about hers. With a little reluctance, Donna opened up about her fear of really learning the truth about her husband. She was keeping him at bay, because either way she felt he was wrong. If the baby was his, their relationship would be over. Then again, if the baby wasn’t his, he still cheated and she wasn’t ready to deal with it yet. She was still to angry. It hurt my heart to see my beautiful friend go through such a sad situation. I know how badly she wanted a child of her own, and prayed that cheating was the only offense that she would have to overcome.
After dinner and the rest of the bottle of wine, we continued our talk. We both shared about our childhoods, and the various life experiences that brought us to this moment. Hearing Donna recount her struggles, growing up in a small home with a large family and always being trumped by her older brothers, made me realize something. There is no perfect life. I may not have been happy with my past, but it got me to where I was now, and that had to count for something. It also solidified my decision to take a trip to Jamaica to meet my own family. I called Drew and Jackie on three-way to inform them of my plan. Not surprisingly, they were both on board. The three of us had often wondered about the rest of our family, and planned a trip for Christmas.
Ch 21 Cinderella special
For the first time in weeks, I actually looked forward to being in my office. Donna was so excited to have me there that she couldn’t hide it. Every time I looked up she was either smiling at me, or bopping around the small office to whatever song was playing.
“Do you usually do this?” I asked.
“Do what?” She was genuinely confused.
“Dance around the office like this? Or is this all for my benefit?” I teased. She just laughed as she continued to dance.
“All for you mamita, but I am disappointed that you combed your hair today. No wild lion hair today, eh?”
“What! Ever! Donna!” I managed to get out through my laughter.
“Jade Spencer.” That was my simple greeting.
“Ooh, Ms. Spencer. You sound all professional like!” Jackie teased.
“Hey cuzo. To what do I owe this special honor?”
“Darling! you have to come and pick out a dress for Friday night! I know you’ve been so busy with your international excursions lately, but I know you haven’t forgotten our event for the boutique,” she purred. Shit! I had forgotten.
“Oh, Jacks. Can I skip the answer and just tell you that I’m coming today?”
“Well, you know, I have such a kind and forgiving heart that I can accept that. What color do you want to wear?” She asked.
“Look, I will leave this up to you since you are the expert. And while you’re doing that, pick out something with a yellow or gold theme for Lady Donnita please.” Donna looked up from her computer, giving me a big two-thumbs-up.
Jackie giggled in delight. “Oh! So both of my beautiful boos are coming through? Most Excellent! What time should I expect you guys?”
I checked the time on my clock. “Let’s see. It’s 2:38pm now, so we’re gonna wrap things up and head on down. So see you in about an hour.”
Donna and I breezed out of the office and hailed a cab downtown. She teased me for it, but I didn’t care. I still wasn’t used to this cold ass weather. I was even contemplating investing in a pair of ear muffs!
“Is Lana coming up for this Event?”
“Yep. It seems she and Drew are a package deal.”
“Ha!,” Donna chuckled. “They are getting pretty friendly. I remember the first day she came over, when they were at each other’s throats!”
“Ah, yes. How things have changed.” My mind went to my own little love hate relationship with John. Brazil had definitely been an eye opener.
“What are you pouting about?” Donna asked.
“I was just thinking about Brazil. I thought the trip would have brought us closer, but things are so strange between us right now. He feels distant, and it almost feels like we are just, ‘fucking’. I mean it’s still incredible, and intense. I just can’t put my finger on it.” I could see Donna shaking her head in my peripheral.
“Julian, is between you two now. He’s not a ghost anymore. Now he’s real and even though you are with John, Julian is in your head and John knows it now. He knows he hasn’t been around and you’re kind of slipping through his grasp. I’m just trying to figure out why he’s letting it happen.”
I rubbed my temples, hoping to quell th
e influx of emotional confusion. This tightrope I was walking was disappearing before my eyes, and I felt like I didn’t know what the right thing was anymore. I always thought John was the right thing, but Julian was always there.
Luck had it that the boutique was practically empty when we arrived. Jackie was out on the floor showing her assistant manager how to keep a display ‘popping’ by changing up the accessories. She waved us towards the back where our potential outfits were waiting. I browsed the racks of possible gowns that Jackie had picked out for us. Various shades of yellow and gold were on display for Donna, while she seemed to be less decided for mine. A silver, Cinderella type, dress stood out and I laughed at the thought of wearing it.
“Oh, she done lost her mind. There is NO way I am wearing this contraption of a frock!”
Donna came over to examine my complaint, and the expression on her face was priceless.
“Where does one even find a dress like this in this century?” She continued to stare at the princess dress, complete with a bedazzled corset style bodice.
“Don’t you just love it?” Donna crooned from behind me.
“No, I do not ‘just love it’. Donna?” I turned to her with my most sincere WTF face.
“You’ve got to be kidding! Oh, you have no imagination. This dress is going to look gorgeous on you. Especially with all this weight you’ve lost. You will look amazing. Trust me.” She tried to convince me, but I wasn’t trying to hear it.
“Oh gawd! What’s wrong with this sexy little black dress?” I held up the dress in mention against my body.
“That’s a nice one.” Donna agreed.
“Oh please! I knew you would pick that one. It’s safe. AND boring,” Jackie balked.
“I’m willing to try on anything you give me, but I’m not wearing a dress that should come with a matching tiara and wand.”
“I mean, it is a pretty dress. You should at least try it on, Jade.” Donna took a second look at the dress and put it back on my rack. I just shook my head and went into the fitting room.
Five fancy dress changes, one princess dress purchase later, and I was drained. I loved playing dress up, but between the individual dress critiques, matching shoe search, and possible hairstyle choices, I was worn out. Lucky for her, Donna fell in love with the second dress she tried on and was out the door, leaving me to deal with hurricane Jackie. I hated admitting to her that she was always right when it came to dressing me, and conceded my defeat by opting for the Cinderella special. I was in love with the shoes she paired with my dress. The silver and black Gianvito Rossi heels were hot to death.
In the middle of my shoegasm, my cell phone started to buzz. I missed the call, digging through my purse to get to the phone, but it immediately began to buzz again. The display showed it was a call from Eric, the lead singer for the Anglers.
“Hey Eric, How are you?”
“Hey Jade. Kinda in a bind right now; maybe you can help?” He sounded desperate, so I sat on a shoe bench so that I could focus.
“Sure. What’s up?”
“Well we have this gig for the weekend and John signed off on the contract for us, but we can’t get him on the phone. His office said he’s been out sick for the past two days. I tried to wait, but we need the contract faxed over by tomorrow morning.” He took a deep breath to gear-up for the next part of his favor request, but I spared him the bother.
“And you were hoping that I could see what’s up? Only for you Eric. Consider yourself lucky.”
Eric sighed audibly.
“Thanks so much Jade. I would say I owe you one, but I’m not sure how we can ever repay you. You’ve been awesome to us.” He sounded truly appreciative and it touched my heart.
“Aww! You’re too kind. Let me see what I can do. I’ll call you once I know the deal.” I hung up the phone wondering just what was wrong with John, and when he returned to New York. He never called in sick. I let Jackie know I had to leave, and headed to his apartment.
My anxiety increased with every city block the taxi traveled towards John’s place. I called his cell, but I got his voicemail. I tried to keep my mind from going to that dark place that had taken up residence, but I prayed that nothing bad happened to him. We had barely spoken since our trip and it was really bothering me. Things had not gone how I expected in Brazil, and I felt that we were farther apart than before.
When the cab pulled up to his building, I was tempted to tell the driver to gun it back downtown. Since I was already here, I might as well do what I came to do. I was still in possession of his spare key, and used it to let myself in the lobby door. It felt weird using his key again, and part of me ached for the way things were before. Climbing the stairs brought on memories of intimate dinners, and the sleepless nights where we made love until dawn. Suddenly my heart felt heavy.
Standing in front of his door, I decided to knock before I attempted to let myself in. Just in the off chance that he was home. At first I heard nothing. Then I heard shuffling, and murmuring, or whispers. I couldn’t tell, but the door remained shut. My stomach clenched as I waited for an answer. Just as I was about to knock again, the door swung open. My entire chest froze over when I came face to face with the second person in as many months, that looked like she could be my sister. This woman looked so familiar, but I’m sure I never met her before. She was tall, maybe an inch or more taller than me, and her eyes were hazel. She looked like she was mixed with Asian. Her wavy hair was jet black, and her skin was that same complexion as my Angel. She was equally surprised by me, but was also obviously in a state of distress. Once the surprise wore off, she glared at me, and then shoved past me with a curt, “Excuse me!”
I remained frozen in place, now looking into the distraught face of John. My John. Who looked like he may or may not have been crying too. He was practically naked, except for a worn pair of black sweat pants that were hanging on the v in his hip. I swallowed back the not yet founded conclusions that were swirling around my head. I was a breath away from crying as it was. The hypocrite in me wanted to yell and scream. ‘Who was that woman?’. My more rational side shoved Julian in my face and told me to have a seat. After a few more moments filled with awkward tension, I realized that I was still in the hallway.
“Um. I came because… I just need to get a contract. From you. The Anglers need their contract.” I stammered my way through my explanation for popping up unexpectedly. John just muttered a harsh curse before he turned away into his apartment. He left the door open, and I hesitantly followed him inside. I made sure to stay in the foyer, not wanting to impose myself into whatever situation I just interrupted. Truthfully, I just wanted to run screaming, back to a cab. Much like the last time I was here.
A few moments later, John returned empty handed. I was still too shocked to express my confusion.
“Thanks for coming by. I just faxed a copy to the venue and one to Eric.” This time he actually looked me in the eyes when he addressed me. I nodded my head, trying not to be too obvious in my inspection of his place. Were there pillows out of place? Wine glasses? Anything that would give me a clue.
“Oh great. Eric was freaked out because you dropped of the face of the earth. Your office said you were out sick.” He didn’t look sick. He didn’t sound sick. But I felt sick, just imagining what he’d been doing for the last two days.
John heaved a weighted sigh but didn’t respond. I couldn’t bare to stand there in the dark like that. Not a moment longer. Even denial didn’t want any parts of this. There was nothing I could think of that would make me feel any better, or any less shut out than I did right then. I nodded in acceptance of his lack of forthcoming, and turned for the door. When my fingers touched the door knob I knew I had to ask.
“Who is she, John?” My voice didn’t betray my hurt, and I was proud of that.
“It’s not what you think,” he said.
“Who.Is.She? I don’t know what to think. Just tell me who she is,” I demanded. John did that frustrated, run his
hand through his hair and look up to the sky move.
“That’s Alicia.” He replied. I wanted to stomp my feet in annoyance because that name meant nothing to me. I glared at him with raised eyebrows, knowing that I would lose my shit if I had to repeat my question.
“She’s my ex. The person I was with before I met you,” he clarified.
“How long before me?”
“A couple months,” he said with his tone full of reluctance.
“A couple months,” I repeated. More for myself really. I laughed at the coincidence. I was hung up on Julian and he had a similar situation. The only difference was that he knew about Julian. I didn’t want to ask any more questions about the past, didn’t want to tarnish what we shared anymore than it already was. But I couldn’t help myself.
“So what does she want now?” I was almost afraid of the answer.
“She wants… We’ve been working through some things. She just has a different way of dealing with the past.” His answer was cryptic at best.
“Like what? She wants to get back with you?” Before he could reply, a cold realization hit me.
“Wait. Is she why you’ve been going to California?” My voice was almost a squeak, around the lump in my throat. Now John moved closer to me, almost pinning me to the door, but still not touching more than my wrist.
“No. Well partly. Its-“
“Oh God!” I cried out as I turned to open the door. John pulled my hand off the knob, pressing his chest into my back to keep me from moving. I wriggled frantically, not wanting him to touch me.
“Jade. Let me explain,” he pleaded.
“No! Not if your gonna lie about it. Just forget it. Fucking forget it!” I yelled.
Only Her Heart (The Jaded Hearts Club) Page 17