Love's Providence: A Contemporary Christian Romance

by Jennifer H. Westall

  She attempted a smile, though she doubted it was convincing. She needed to move around, work out her nerves.

  “You mind walking with me for a bit?” she asked.

  He fell into step beside her, and neither of them spoke for a while. He pulled his hands out of his pockets briefly, but he didn’t seem to know what to do with them, and he shoved them back inside.

  “How was your trip?” he asked.

  “Just what I needed.”

  “That’s good to hear.”

  “Catherine was great. She listened to me, didn’t judge me, and she pointed me back to my Bible.”

  “And did that help?”

  “It did. God really opened my eyes to who I had become, and he set me straight on some things.”

  Alex shook his head. “I’ve tried a bit of that myself—reading the Bible. I don’t really know where to start, though. All of that stuff happened so long ago. I’m not sure it can do me any good right now.”

  “What have you been reading?”

  “I figured I’d just start at the beginning, so I read a little of Genesis.”

  She tried not to act surprised. Growing up in such a deeply Christian family had led to assumptions she hadn’t even realized were there. She’d thought all Christians had the same basic beliefs as her own, that the Bible would be as familiar to them as it was to her. But Alex was different, and she found herself wondering now if he had ever truly been a believer.

  “Genesis is great,” she said. “There are some really good stories in it. I’m not sure it’s where I would recommend you to start, but still, there’s plenty that can apply to your life today. Have you read about Joseph yet?”

  “Um, maybe. Which one was he?”

  “The one whose dad made him the colorful coat. His brothers were jealous of him, and they beat him up and threw him into a well.”

  “Oh yeah. Didn’t they sell him into slavery?”

  “Yeah. But then he interpreted a dream for Pharaoh and wound up being the second highest in command in all of Egypt. God used him to reveal a famine that was coming, and Joseph was able to prepare them for it so that everyone had food.”

  Alex picked up a small stone and skipped it across the water. “See, now that’s a good story, but so what? It has nothing to do with me.”

  She noticed the slump in his posture. He seemed so defeated. She wondered if he had found anyone to talk to. Maybe nightmares haunted him too. She reached over and ran a hand along his back.

  “You know, I think that story has a great deal to do with us and everything that’s happened. If you keep reading, you’ll find out that Joseph’s brothers have to come to him for food during the famine, and it’s been so long they don’t even recognize him.”

  “So he gets the last laugh.”

  “Not really. He tests them to see if they’ve changed, but eventually, he forgives them, and tells them who he is. He brings the whole family to Egypt so they can live in the best land with him.”

  Alex rubbed the back of his neck and let out a sigh. “He’s a better man than I could be in that situation. Still not sure how that applies to us now.”

  “He forgave them because he realized that even though they meant him harm, God meant their actions for good. Joseph was in exactly the place he was supposed to be when the famine struck, and God used him to save the Egyptians as well as his own family.”

  Alex looked at her curiously. “And you believe that? That God is sitting up there like a grand puppet master moving us around however he wants to?”

  “I might not use those exact words, but in some sense, I guess I do believe that. I know nothing can happen that He doesn’t allow, and that nothing surprises Him.”

  “So you think He meant for my son to die? For Adrian to die?”

  She looked away from the pain in his eyes. Maybe she was the wrong person to talk to him about this, especially considering why she had come here in the first place. She said a quick prayer for wisdom.

  “I don’t want to upset you. You’ve lost so much lately, and I don’t want to make it worse. I just meant that we can take comfort in knowing that God is in control of everything—that their deaths weren’t meaningless.”

  He didn’t look convinced. She was completely mucking this up.

  “You know,” she said. “I was really scared there for a while, even afterward, when it was all over. I was trying so hard to be stronger. But I realize now that Adrian was never in control of what happened to all of us. And neither were you.”

  He looked over at her again, a flicker of something in his eyes. Pride maybe.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “You couldn’t have stopped her. You were never meant to. What she meant for evil, God has used for my good, and I’m sure he’ll do the same for you. You didn’t fail.”

  He shook his head. “You sound so sure. I’m just not there yet. It seems cruel to me. If he’s so powerful, and in control of everything, why does he let such terrible things happen to good people? Why Evan? An innocent little baby who had never done a thing.”

  “I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers. But I think even our suffering is for our good. If nothing else, it reminds us that this world is not our ultimate destination. Our home is with Him, and that’s where Evan is waiting for you. He’s not in pain, and he’s not sad. He’s rejoicing with the Lord.”

  Alex turned and looked out over the water like he was suddenly somewhere else. She watched him quietly for a few minutes, studying his features, memorizing him. This was even harder than she’d thought it would be. Doubt blossomed inside of her, tempted her to hold onto him.

  Let him go. I’m all you need.

  The thought was more like a small voice in her head, and she welcomed its return. It gave her peace. As hard as it would be, it was time to let go.

  “Alex?” Her voice came out much more stable than she’d expected. He turned around to face her, and their eyes locked.

  “I know why you came here,” he said. “I’ve tried to think of anything I could say to change your mind. But I had to be honest with myself, and I’m not going to beg. So just say what you need to say, okay? Don’t drag it out or try to soften it. Just say it.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  “Too late.”

  She winced. “I care about you-“

  “Just say it.”

  “I’m not sure what to say.”

  “Just say it.” He stepped closer, taking her hands in his.

  “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking-“

  “Lily, just tell me.”

  She felt her eyes swell, her chest tighten. Why was she doing this again? Maybe there was a way. Maybe she could keep things with Alex in perspective, not lose sight of her relationship with God again. If she promised never to sleep with him, never to let herself even be tempted, maybe they could stay together.

  I’m all you need.

  “Alex, it’s time for me to let go. I’ve made one mistake after another, and I know in my heart that the right thing to do is to walk away.”

  He dropped her hands and let out a deep sigh. “See. Now that wasn’t so bad.”

  “Yes it was.”

  “Then why do it? I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?”

  “Nothing. I did. When I first got the letters in the mail, I thought God was punishing me for sleeping with you.”

  He shook his head. “I knew it would come down to that. It was one time.”

  “But it didn’t come down to that. I know that I’m forgiven. It’s not about the one time. The problem is that you and I view life through completely different lenses, and sooner or later we’ll just wind up right back in the same place. It will happen again.”

  “You don’t know that. Listen I know this is important to you. I can wait.”

  “You knew it was important to me before. That’s not the point either.”

  “Then what is the point?”

  “I’m not willing to risk i
t. I have to focus on rebuilding my relationship with God. It has to be the most important thing to me.”

  “This is because of Jackson, isn’t it? You’re still in love with him.”

  “What? No-“

  “I heard you, Lily!” He threw his hands in the air and turned away from her. “You said it, that night when he was shot. You told him you loved him.”

  Her stomach dipped. “I’m sorry. I know that hurt you. But he isn’t the reason. I’m not breaking up with you to be with him.”

  “Then what is it? I don’t understand. You’re telling me you’re breaking up with me because you need to focus on God? Why can’t you do that anyway?”

  She tried to settle her racing thoughts, but they were scattering to the wind. Why did he have to bring up Jackson?

  “I just can’t.”

  He looked up to the sky and muttered something under his breath. Then he turned his gaze back to her.

  “I love you, Lily. I’d never hurt you. You can trust me.”

  She shook her head, unable to force out any words. Why was he making this so hard? Didn’t he know how difficult it already was?

  “My trust isn’t in you. That was the problem all along. My trust, my strength, is in the Lord.”

  He threw his hands up. “Okay, fine. Your trust is in the Lord. I get it. So that means I get kicked to the curb.”

  “Please don’t take it that way.”

  “How else am I supposed to take it? If you don’t love me, then say it. Don’t use God as an excuse.”

  “It’s not an excuse. It’s the truth. I’m trying to get my life back together, and the only way that’s going to happen is if I let the Lord put it back together His way.”

  “Lily, do you know how odd that sounds?”

  “Yes! But I don’t care. Maybe it doesn’t make sense to you, but that’s all the more reason why we could never have a future.”

  “I see. So this all comes down to the fact that I’m not good enough, not Christian enough. And Jackson is.”

  Lily’s head was beginning to streak with pain. She was getting nowhere. He could take everything she said and twist it into something else. He would never see.

  “You know I don’t mean that. I’m not judging you, Alex.”

  “Yes you are. And maybe you’re right. I’m no saint. I can’t quote the Bible or even tell you much about what it says. And I admit I’m not even sure I believe in God anymore.” He paused, and his expression seemed to soften. “You’re right. You deserve a better man than me.”

  Without hesitating, she stepped over to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. He held onto her, letting out a deep breath that seemed to come from the depths of his own personal pit. She ached to help him, for him to feel the joy and peace God offered him, even in suffering.

  “You’re going to be okay,” she whispered near his ear. “God brought us together for a reason. Just listen to Him. You have so much to gain. He won’t let you down.”

  Alex tightened his hold, nearly squeezing the air out of her. She felt something pass between them—hope, sorrow, maybe even a little joy.

  “I’ll never forget you.”

  “Me neither,” she said. “Never.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  May 13

  Birmingham, Alabama

  “Are there any more questions?” Lily glanced around at the teenage faces that had intimidated her only a few short months ago. Most of them shook their heads. A few began packing up their books.

  “Be sure you have the assignment written down, and don’t forget to turn it in first thing tomorrow.” She gave a pointed glance toward Nathan in the back row as he grinned back at her, his dark hair falling over the mischievous twinkle in his eye.

  The bell sounded, and the students shoved their books away and made a dash for the door. Lily sat down on the stool beside the overhead projector, her legs aching from standing for so long. No amount of leg presses or running stadiums had prepared her for being so exhausted from moving around a classroom all day.

  “Well Lily, I’ve been very impressed,” Mrs. Blakely called from her desk at the back of the room. “You’ve really done an excellent job this semester. That was good of you to make Nathan work some problems on the board. You got to keep him on his toes.”

  “Thanks. I know he can do better. I just don’t always know how to get him to try.”

  “Welcome to high school teaching. But don’t worry, you’re a natural. I’ll be sure to give you a good evaluation when I meet with your supervisor.”

  “Thank you.”

  Mrs. Blakely stood and picked up a stack of papers from her desk and added them to the books in her arms. The bundle looked like it might topple her tiny frame. She smiled at Lily, a gentle expression that had always put her at ease, even when she’d been a student in this very room. Strange how so much could change in four years, and yet so much had stayed the same.

  “I have to run down to the lounge and make copies of the final exams for next week. Did you need anything before I go?”

  “No, thanks. I’m meeting with Mr. Collins for a little while before I leave. He said he’d help me get ready for my interview.”

  “You nervous?”

  “A little.” Lily walked to the back of the room and began gathering her things. “I haven’t had much of a chance to think about it with graduation coming up next week. Getting everything packed took more out of me than I thought it would.”

  “I understand. Tom and I moved a lot when we were first married. Packing up a life is hard.”

  Lily nodded and pushed down the doubt creeping into her thoughts. “Thanks again for letting me have tomorrow off.”

  Mrs. Blakely walked with Lily to the door, flipping the lights off as they left. “It’s no trouble. Although I think the kids will be disappointed to get me back. They usually give student teachers a hard time, but they’ve really taken a liking to you.”

  Lily couldn’t help but smile. She’d taken a liking to them too. She’d always known she wanted to teach, but it was a relief to be sure it was where she belonged. She loved it, especially watching the light in the students’ faces when a difficult concept finally clicked.

  As they reached the library, Mrs. Blakely turned and gave Lily a quick hug, balancing her papers precariously in one arm.

  “Have a safe flight. You leaving tonight?”

  “Yeah. I can’t believe it’s finally here.”

  “Well, good luck. It’s been a real pleasure. You’re a special young lady, and you’ll make a wonderful teacher.”

  “Thank you for everything. I’ll email you and let you know if I get the job.”

  As Mrs. Blakely said goodbye and headed downstairs, Lily turned toward the offices on the other side of the library. On her way through, she waved at the librarian in his glass office hunched over his computer furiously typing. The sight always made her think of a caged monkey at the zoo. He managed a quick wave and pushed up his glasses in one swift motion before returning to the keyboard.

  The library was a large room, open on all sides and surrounded by four quads, each assigned to a class, each holding memories of her time here. She could still see her past moving all around her, like ghosts popping up for a visit from time to time. Even now as she neared the waist-high bookshelves separating the library from the walkway, she caught a glimpse of the table in the back corner, and she heard Jackson’s hushed voice as he leaned across the table and whispered jokes in her ear.

  She’d become accustomed to the intrusion of the images, but they still made her heart speed up a notch. She took a deep breath and forced herself to look away, to concentrate on the office door and what lay on the other side. Soon she could leave all this behind and start building new memories.

  Mrs. Sheffield was on the phone at her desk when Lily walked through the door, and she raised a finger to hold Lily in place. Her hair had grayed quite a bit in the past few years, but her smile had stayed warm and inviting, just like the Mrs. C
laus character she played each year in the Christmas drama.

  She placed the phone on the hook and walked toward Lily, her gait a bit more labored since her knee surgery a couple of months back. She leaned against the counter.

  “What can I do for you, Lily?”

  “I’m meeting with Mr. Collins today.”

  “Oh, that’s right. The big interview is tomorrow.” She placed a hand over Lily’s. “I sure wish we could keep you around here. It’s been so wonderful to see you grow into such a beautiful young lady.” Her smile was infectious. “Looks like we may have a few openings for next year.”

  “Thank you. I’ve really enjoyed student teaching here, but I think I’m ready to get out of Alabama for a while.”

  “Well, Mr. Collins is interviewing someone for the History position right now. You can have a seat over by the window if you want. He should be done soon.”

  Lily made her way over to the chairs beneath the windows lining the far wall. Taking a seat, she pulled out a book and began to read, but it was difficult to concentrate for some reason. Her thoughts kept returning to Jackson and the memories they’d created here. Sometimes it was like that. The thoughts of him were stubborn, like a petulant child insisting on having his way.

  It didn’t help that the smallest thing could trigger a memory, like the huge State Championship trophies—one for basketball and one for volleyball—that still sat side by side in the trophy case in the office. Her junior year, his senior, had been great in so many ways—homecoming King for him, State Championships for them both, scholarship offers, prom. Now it all seemed like a dream, like it had happened to someone else. If it weren’t for their pictures hanging together outside the gym, she might wonder if it had actually happened at all.

  Now time was measured in how long it had been since she last thought of him. What was she up to now, half a day? Yes, she hadn’t thought of him since this morning. Progress.

  Down the hall behind Mrs. Sheffield’s desk, a door opened and voices drifted toward Lily, a welcome distraction from her memories. Maybe now she could concentrate on preparing for her interview. She stood and walked over to the swinging door that led behind the counter. She waited for Mr. Collins, preparing to thank him for his time today, but the voice she heard stopped her cold. She stared at the corner, waiting for Mr. Collins and his guest. Surely her ears were playing tricks on her.