Love's Providence: A Contemporary Christian Romance

by Jennifer H. Westall

  Suddenly Jackson walked around the corner, headed straight for her, and her stomach flew into her chest. She couldn’t move, couldn’t even blink. As soon as their eyes met, he froze as well, and Mr. Collins nearly bumped into him.

  “Whoa,” Mr. Collins said as he changed direction. “Almost ran you over, Jackson.” He glanced between the two of them and wrinkled his brow. Jackson towered over him, but then again, a leprechaun might be taller than Mr. Collins.

  “Oh, hey Lily! You remember Jackson Carter, don’t you? Weren’t you two pretty close when you were in school here?”

  Lily stared for another long moment before clearing her throat. “Uh, yes sir. We uh, we knew each other.”

  “Well, it looks like Jackson may be joining our staff as a history teacher and basketball coach next year. Wouldn’t it be great if you two were working together?” He gave a meaningful nod in her direction then turned toward Jackson and continued. “Lily did her student teaching with us, and we’ve been trying to talk her into staying on for the fall. But she seems determined to leave us. Heading off to bigger and better things I suppose.”

  Mr. Collins paused again, and an awkward silence fell over the room. Jackson never took his eyes off Lily, making her stomach flutter and soar. He’d let his hair grow out, and it swept across his eyebrows like it had when he was in high school. She could swear they’d stepped back in time.

  Finally, Jackson looked over at Mr. Collins. He was looking between the two of them like he was expecting something, and it finally registered to her that he had asked a question. But Jackson still looked bewildered.

  “Excuse me?” Jackson asked. “I’m sorry. Did you ask me something?”

  Mr. Collins grinned. “Yes. I asked if you two had kept in touch after leaving us.” Jackson stared back at her again, yet neither of them answered. Mr. Collins seemed to sense the tension, and he cleared his throat.

  “Uh, yes sir,” Jackson said. “We kept in touch. Though it has been a little while.”

  Mr. Collins gave Jackson a hearty pat on the back and began guiding him toward the door.

  “Well, maybe you can talk her into staying. We’re going to need a volleyball coach to take over in the next couple of years. It would be great to have you two back together again.”

  They moved past Lily and through the swinging door. Jackson shook his head and glanced back at her with a tight smile.

  “If I remember correctly, once she makes up her mind, there’s no changing it. And I doubt she’d listen to me. If she’s determined to move to Brunswick, you won’t talk her out of it.”

  Jackson reached for the large double doors and gave a nod in Lily’s direction. Mr. Collins turned to her with a curious glance.

  “Brunswick?” he asked. “Is that the town in Connecticut you’re moving to? I thought it was Avon?”

  All she could do was shake her head. Words seemed like a strange concept at the moment. Jackson let go of the door, and the loud slam made Lily jump. He took a step toward her, oblivious to the shock on Mr. Collins’s face.

  “Wait a minute. You’re moving to Connecticut?”

  She nodded.

  “When?”

  She finally found her voice. “Tonight, actually.”

  He shifted his weight and ran his hand through his hair, looking from Lily to Mr. Collins, and then back at Lily. He looked completely lost.

  “Why Connecticut?”

  “Aunt Catherine. She lives there, remember? I just, uh, wanted to start over. I needed a change.”

  “I thought you were moving to Brunswick.” She shook her head, and his confusion began to look more like frustration. His cheeks bulged as he ground his teeth together.

  Mr. Collins cleared his throat, catching Jackson’s attention. He looked amused by the whole thing.

  “Do you two need some time alone?”

  “No,” Jackson said, gritting his teeth again. “Thank you again Mr. Collins for seeing me today.” They shook hands and Jackson once again reached for the door.

  “Thank you for coming in,” Mr. Collins said. “I’ll be in touch soon.”

  Jackson pushed through the door without another glance toward Lily and let it slam behind him. She stood in shock with Mr. Collins looking at her, his head cocked at an angle, like a dog trying to understand a strange sight.

  “Did I miss something?” he asked.

  “It’s a long story.” She let out a slow breath and tried to steady her racing heart. She had no idea what had just happened. He had almost looked angry. But why?

  “Maybe you should go talk to him,” Mrs. Sheffield offered. “He looked a little upset.”

  “I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know why he would be upset that I was moving.” She turned toward Mr. Collins. “Do you mind?”

  “No, go ahead. You don’t need my help. You’ll be fine in your interview.”

  She was already halfway out the door. She called out a thank you just before it closed. Heading toward the front doors of the school, she wondered what in the world she would say, but it didn’t matter. She just needed to try.

  She looked around the parking lot outside the front of the school for a few minutes, but he was nowhere in sight. Her adrenaline was still rushing, and her chest thundered with each heartbeat. She walked up and down the rows of cars but still came up with nothing. So she headed back inside.

  God, please. I’m finally content being on my own. Why are you doing this now?

  Tears welled up behind her eyes as she walked back through the building and down the stairs leading to the faculty parking lot out back. She stepped out into the sun and squinted. The rays were warm. Summer would be hotter than usual here. She wondered what summers were like in Connecticut.

  The whistles of the soccer coaches blew in rhythm off to her left as players went through drills on the field, and in front of her, the tennis team jogged around the courts. She sniffed back the sob that was threatening and turned the corner to her right.

  After months of wanting to talk to him, to just see him one more time, it had finally happened. Yet it didn’t give her the closure she had hoped for. Instead her heart ached for him even more.

  She finally had her tears pushed back as she rounded the car next to hers, and she pulled her bag off her shoulder to rummage for her keys.

  “So what’s all this about moving to Connecticut?”

  She jumped and dropped her bag, papers and books spilling all over the concrete. Jackson pushed away from her car and grimaced as he knelt down to help pick up the mess. She just watched him in disbelief for a moment.

  “You going to help at all?” He looked up at her and squinted with the sun in his eyes.

  She cleared her throat and managed to speak. “Uh, yeah. Sorry.”

  She knelt down and gathered several loose papers, stuffing them into the bag. The breeze picked up a few pages and sent them dancing across the parking lot before she could grab them.

  “Oh no,” she said and took off after them as they flew away.

  Jackson watched her scurry around the nearly deserted lot grasping pages, and he wondered what he was doing. He should have walked out the door and kept going. He was obviously a glutton for punishment. It was like driving by an accident on the side of the road and slowing down to see the gruesome details, even though you didn’t want to. Some irresistible force just makes you turn your head.

  But he had to know what was going on and why she was moving to Connecticut, of all places. He had expected her to be moving to Brunswick to be with Alex—that at least he could understand. But just up and moving so far away for no reason? Curiosity was killing him.

  She finally caught up with the papers and brought them back over to the car just as he stood up with her bag. She shoved the last few pages inside and glanced up at him.

  “Sorry about that,” she said.

  “No, really. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have startled you.”

  She dug out her keys and unlocked the back door; then
she flung her back pack into the back seat and closed the door.

  “I tried to catch up with you after you left the office,” she said. “I looked all over the upper parking deck.”

  “Really?” he asked. “Yeah, I actually parked back here so I could go in and say hello to Coach Wilson.”

  “Oh.” She shifted her weight under his scrutiny and looked away. “Since when have you been interested in teaching?”

  “Since Christmas. I did a lot of praying after I recovered, and I felt like God had made it pretty clear He didn’t intend for me to play professional basketball.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be; I’m not. I have peace about it, and I think I might actually be a good teacher and coach.”

  “I’m sure you will.”

  He looked down at her as she rested against the car next to hers. She looked different somehow. More grown up, maybe.

  “So what’s going on?” he asked. “Why are you moving to Connecticut?”

  She shrugged and crossed her arms. “I told you. I need a fresh start, and Aunt Catherine has that old farm house all to herself. It would be perfect.”

  “Perfect for what?”

  “I guess for moving on with my life. Finding some peace. I went there for Thanksgiving because I was having a hard time dealing with everything, and I spent a lot of time praying and reading my Bible, and I talked to Catherine about everything. It really helped.”

  “So you thought you needed to move there? That seems a bit extreme. What does Alex think about all this?”

  She shrugged and looked away. “When I told him, he was pretty upset, but I’m sure he’s fine by now. I don’t know. I haven’t spoken to him since right before Christmas.”

  “You mean, you broke up with him?”

  She nodded, and relief mingled with his confusion. So Alex was history. Thank God. But moving to Connecticut still made no sense.

  “So let me get this straight. You went to Connecticut and had some enlightening experience on the mountain with Catherine, and now you want to pack up everything and move there? You know, running away from your problems won’t make them any better.”

  “What do you know about my life?” she huffed. “You haven’t even been around. I’m not running away from anything. I just don’t want to be reminded every single day of that horrible night, and everything that led up to it. I don’t want to be bombarded all the time with memories of us. It’s the past, and I want to look to the future.”

  He sighed and looked toward the sky as mockingbirds argued in the nearby trees. How could this be happening? After months of trying to let go of her and praying for her happiness, and finally finding some sense of direction for a future without her, every ounce of progress he’d made was just wiped away. The sight of her only deepened the ache in his chest, a pain as real as the bullets he’d taken.

  “Why is this bothering you so much?” she asked. “I thought this was what you wanted. For us to go our separate ways for good.”

  “I didn’t say that-“

  “Those were your exact words!”

  “I never wanted that, Lil. Stop twisting everything I say into an attack on you. You can’t use me as an excuse for running away. This is about you, not me.”

  She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment. “Look, I don’t want to fight with you. All I wanted was to talk to you and tell you how I really feel. I don’t want to waste the last chance I have on arguing about what you did or did not say.”

  The last chance. The words punched him in the gut.

  “If you wanted to talk so badly, why didn’t you just call me?” he asked.

  “Because I was scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “Of you! Of getting hurt again. You were so angry. And if you’d pushed me away again, it would have killed me.”

  Jackson threw his hands in the air and groaned. Had she lost her mind? “You’ve got to be kidding me!” He stepped closer and pointed his finger at her. “You pushed me away, remember? Being around you was killing me. You were in love with Alex. You chose Alex.”

  “No, I didn’t!”

  “What? Yes, you did! Would you please start making some sense?”

  “I came to your house that night to have dinner with you and your mom, remember? After you came home from the hospital. I was trying to tell you then.”

  Her voice caught, and she paused, dropped her gaze to the ground. He was still confused.

  “Tell me what?” he asked.

  She shook her head, refusing to look him in the eye.

  “Come on, Lil. I can barely even remember that night. Do you have any idea how much medication I was on? If you were trying to tell me something, I didn’t realize it.”

  “Just forget it. It doesn’t matter now anyway. I’m leaving tonight, and we can both move on with our lives.”

  “Fine. You want to shut me out and run away, go ahead. I can’t stop you. But one day you’re going to have to face the things that scare you.”

  Her eyes darted up at him, and he could see the anger flash through them like lightening.

  “I can’t believe you, of all people, are lecturing me about facing fears! You’ve been living in fear since your dad died. You’re so scared of losing the people you love, you alienate them, and look where it’s gotten us. You set all of this in motion when you pushed me away. You are the king of shutting people out. Don’t talk to me about facing my fears until you face your own!”

  She pushed him aside and flung open her car door, climbing inside before he could say another word. Then she backed out and drove away without even a glance back. Jackson just watched in bewilderment.

  The night she’d come to see him was still foggy, and he could barely remember their conversation. He searched his memory, trying to recall her words. Had she tried to tell him she still loved him? He had no idea. All he remembered was her being there and a strong sense that he was supposed to let her go. But now what?

  Lily glanced down at her watch and sighed, her nerves still tumbling around in her stomach. She had come to Jackson’s house determined to finally tell him everything, but he wasn’t home, and she had to leave soon if she was going to make her flight.

  Her anger had finally settled down, and she’d realized that, on some level, he was right. But it didn’t change anything. He still didn’t want her, and she needed to put that part of her life behind her.

  She looked down at the letter in her hands one more time.

  Dear Jackson,

  I’ve wanted to tell you what was really on my heart for a while, but I’ve been afraid. I guess fear has been the driving force in my life for a long time. But if there is one thing I have learned over the past year or more, it is that I have to trust in the Lord, especially when I feel weak and afraid. I’m terrified of opening myself up just to get hurt again, but I’m doing it. You were right. I can’t move on with my life until I face my fear. So here it is: I love you. I always have. I always will. I realize we’re way past apologies, and maybe even forgiveness. I’m sorry for blaming everything on you. I still made choices that landed me right where I am, and I have to live with the consequences. But I am sorry. I understand if you can’t forgive me, but I hope that someday the memories of us will make you smile again.

  ~Lily

  “I thank my God every time I remember you.”

  She rubbed the necklace between her fingers and said another quick prayer. Then she folded the paper and pushed open her car door. She stepped over to the mailbox and shoved the letter inside. It was better this way. She could write it all down and make sure she didn’t stumble. And best of all, she wouldn’t have to endure his polite rejection. So maybe it wasn’t exactly the bravest way to face her fear, but at least she had said it. It was time to move forward. And North.

  Jackson pushed open the car door and stepped out from behind the steering wheel. He slammed the door behind him, barely noticing the warm spring afternoon. His mind still stumbled throu
gh his conversation with Lily.

  “What does she mean I have to face my fears? She’s the one running away!”

  Matt climbed out of the passenger side and gave him an amused grin over the top of the car. His cheeks were still flushed pink from their basketball game at the Y.

  “Maybe she has a point.”

  “What? You agree with her? So you think I’m a coward too!”

  “Hey, I didn’t say that. Besides, jumping in front of a bullet isn’t exactly the action of a coward.”

  Jackson huffed and waited for him to explain.

  “I just meant that you did shut her out after your dad died, and you have to acknowledge that it hurt her.”

  Jackson rested his hands on top of the car and sighed. “I did acknowledge that I hurt her. I apologized over and over. She didn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

  “I know you did. But how is she supposed to know you won’t do it again?”

  “I can’t prove anything to her if she doesn’t give me the chance.” He walked to the end of the driveway and pulled open the mailbox, feeling for the junk inside. “Besides, I don’t even know for sure what will happen in the future. How can I promise her anything?”

  He shuffled through the papers and envelopes in his hand until he came to one that sent his heart racing. His name, in her handwriting, practically jumped off the envelope at him. He handed Matthew the stack of mail and then slid his thumb under the flap. Staring at the note, he could hardly believe what it said. He had known all along that she still loved him, but she had finally said it. Well, sort of.

  “What is it?” Matthew asked. Jackson handed him the letter, and he read over it quickly. “This is great. Does this mean she’s not moving?”

  “I don’t think so. It reads like she’s saying goodbye.” He shook his head in disbelief. “She’s still leaving, so this means nothing.”