Slightly Off Balance

by Kaylie Hunter

  “About Grandpa’s lawyer,” I sighed. “I keep trying to convince him he should get a new attorney.”

  “Is he still with that bore? Oh, what’s his name,” she said, snapping her fingers.

  “Barons?”

  “Yes, that’s it. Scott Barons out of Cooper City. He hit on me after your father left us, you know. If he’d had more money, I might have considered it, but thankfully he didn’t. He yapped nonstop about fraudulent tax filings.”

  “Why was he speaking to you about tax filings?”

  “Oh, your grandpa insisted that I use him to file my taxes after your father took off. I never did understand whatever Mr. Barons was saying. I told him to handle the matter, and I signed the documents when he brought them to me a month later.”

  “Were you trying to commit fraud?”

  “I really don’t remember what the situation was, Deanna. I don’t waste my energy paying attention to those types of things,” she said, inspecting her manicure. “Is that really the question you wanted to ask?”

  “No. I wanted to know if you were stealing from Grandpa.”

  “What on Earth are you talking about?” she said, standing up.

  “Stealing. Oh, and attempted murder, I suppose. Are you involved?”

  “Did your grandpa accuse me of this? I know we don’t see eye to eye, but I’d never be stupid enough to betray him. I learned that lesson soon after you were born.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, the checks of course,” she said, looking around the room.

  “What checks? Does Grandpa send you money?”

  “It’s really a private matter between your grandpa and me,” she insisted, realizing that I didn’t know what she was talking about.

  “Well, I’m in charge of his estate now, so you can either tell me or the lawyer can,” I shrugged. “I’d be more likely to maintain the arrangement if you admitted everything openly, though.”

  “It’s really no big deal,” she said as she twisted her ring nervously. “Your grandpa found out that Darlene wasn’t your father’s child and that I tricked your father into marrying me. But by then, I was pregnant with you. After you were born, your grandpa had a paternity test done to confirm it. He agreed to send me a monthly payment if I never disclosed to anyone that Darlene wasn’t a Sullivan.”

  “Does Darlene know?”

  “Of course not.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t even allowed to tell your father.”

  “And after all these years, you're still getting paid?”

  “It was a lifelong commitment,” she shrugged.

  “What did you mean that you learned never to cross Grandpa?”

  “He cut me off for a few years after your father left,” she shrugged. “He said I wasn’t using the checks for what he deemed appropriate. He stopped sending me the money and paid the bills directly. He even had his housekeeper buy the groceries. It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t even afford a salon haircut for two whole years.”

  “Oh dear,” I faked empathy.

  “Yes, I know. Now enough of this nonsense. I’m famished. Is lunch ready? And where did that harpy go to get me the chardonnay?”

  “There’s no lunch Mother. I needed information, and if I would have just asked you, you wouldn’t have come.”

  “No filet mignon? Are you sure?”

  “Quite certain of it,” I nodded.

  Mother’s face scowled somewhere between a pout and disdain. “And are you going to resume sending the monthly payments?”

  “They stopped?”

  “Yes,” she said surprised. “I assumed your grandpa was cross with me and when you called, I was hoping he had changed his mind.”

  “His lawyer died.”

  “The boring guy?”

  “Yes, Scott Barons.”

  “Yes, right. So why didn’t your grandpa set up the payments with his new attorney?”

  “No one knew the lawyer died. Unless you did.”

  “Why on earth would I have known that? Really, Deanna, you need to stop mixing socially with the common folks around here. You’re no longer making sense.”

  “I’ll look into the payments, but no promises.” I moved to stand but remembered my broken leg. “You’ll have to show yourself out, Mother. With my broken leg, I’m not that mobile.”

  “That’s poor manners, Deanna. I taught you better than that,” Mother snapped, exiting the room and showing herself out the front door.

  Her peeling out of the driveway was enough notice to let everyone know it was safe to come out of the kitchen.

  “Did she really say you were lacking in manners for not being able to walk her to the door?” Bridget giggled.

  “She did,” I sighed. “What the hell was with the accent?”

  “What? I thought it was pretty good.”

  “Why would you think someone would have a British employee around these parts?” Reel asked while he and Uncle Mike chuckled, shaking their heads.

  “Well, I don’t know,” she shrugged. “It’s a fancy old house.”

  “It’s a colonial,” Bones said.

  “Whatever,” she said, rolling her eyes.

  “Dr. Wilson arrived,” Bones said, changing the subject. “We had him enter through the kitchen door. He and your aunt are with your grandpa now. And we found some of the yellow pills to show the doctor.”

  “Good. How’s Grandpa doing?”

  “He’s still saying the Martians are dangerous,” Tansey shrugged. “But Dr. Wilson gave him a light sedative, so he’s running around less.”

  I nodded, looking toward the front windows. Reel sat down beside me and rested a hand on my knee.

  “Is your mother involved?” Tansey asked.

  “No,” I said, shaking my head. “She’s still trying to stay on Grandpa’s good side. She doesn’t even know about his condition.”

  “What about your sister?” Rod asked.

  I shook my head no. “Do you know why I got nicknamed Tweedle-Dee?” I asked, looking at Rod.

  “No clue, actually,” he said, placing his hands on his hips and turning his head as if trying to think it out.

  “Because I was Tweedle-Dee and Darlene was Tweedle-Dumbass,” I answered, pointing at Uncle Mike.

  Uncle Mike’s face turned pink. “What? I never said it in front of her. Or anyone else except for you and Tansey.”

  “Isn’t she your niece too?” Bridget asked Uncle Mike.

  “And, my sister is my sister, but that doesn’t mean she’s not a bitch,” Uncle Mike shrugged.

  “The point is, Darlene isn’t smart enough to work a con like this. She’s too greedy and can’t keep a secret to save her own ass. The whole town would have known about it.”

  “She’s right,” Tansey said. “Darlene got hammered Saturday night and admitted to one of her slutty friends that she made out with Eric Mickers in the bathroom. She said it loud enough for everyone to hear, including Eric’s girlfriend.”

  “That wasn’t the best part,” Rod laughed. “It wasn’t Eric that she made out with.”

  We all turned to Rod and waited for the punch line.

  “It was his dad. She was too drunk to tell them apart.”

  “Noooo,” Tansey squealed.

  “Afraid so. Eric’s stuck between throwing his dad under the bus for the crime or letting his girlfriend think he cheated on her.”

  “You men are so stupid,” Tansey said, pulling her phone out of her back pocket. She called Eric’s girlfriend and explained she heard from a reliable source that it wasn’t Eric that was playing around with Darlene. And that the real dickhead was married, so no one wanted to turn him in. She said a few more uh-huhs and then hung up. “Eric has a girlfriend again.”

  “Just like that?” Rod asked.

  “Well, she wouldn’t have believed you or Eric, but she knows I have no reason to lie to her.”

  “While this is all very entertaining, can we get back to the real crimes happening in this town?” Uncle
Mike complained.

  “I can’t think of anyone else,” I shrugged.

  “Who stands to inherit if your grandpa dies?” Bones asked.

  “I have no idea what his will says. I never worried about it. He could be giving it all to charity for all I know.”

  “We need to find his will,” Reel said.

  “He wouldn’t keep it here,” I said, shaking my head.

  “What about a safe deposit box?” Bones asked.

  “No. Grandpa was too cheap to rent one. I tried to convince him once that they’d give him one for free at his bank, but he said he didn’t trust bankers.”

  “Wasn’t he a banker?” Rod asked.

  “No, he was a financial adviser. He hated it when someone referred to him as a banker.”

  “Where would his will be then? With the dead lawyer?” Uncle Mike asked.

  “No,” I said. “With his best friend, the other lawyer.”

  “Bingo,” Reel smiled, leaning back on the couch.

  “Tucker?” Rod asked.

  I pulled my phone out and called Tucker. Tucker was a farmer and weekend coon hunter, who also happened to be a great lawyer. He and my grandpa grew up together, running wild and stirring up trouble. Later in life, when my grandpa needed to hire a full-time attorney, he asked Tucker to take the job, but Tucker declined. He didn’t want their friendship damaged by business. Tucker also didn’t want to spend too much time in a suit, and Grandpa would have insisted he wear one.

  “Who’s this?” Tucker answered abruptly.

  “It’s Tweedle. You got a minute, Tucker?”

  “Not really. I’m still trying to clean up the mess you made from your last visit.”

  “Sorry about that. But I need your help. I have a feeling that someone’s searching for Grandpa’s will. I’m trying to figure out who that someone is and why they’d be looking. I also have a feeling you can get your hands on that will.”

  “Maybe,” Tucker said. “What’s your grandpa say about all this?”

  “He’s not making much sense at the moment, being someone was trying to kill him by switching his meds. Dr. Wilson is with him now. But his regular lawyer died a few months back, and someone has been pretending to be in charge of the estate and coming over and stealing from the house.”

  “I’ll be over as soon as I can. Loretta went back to her place for a few days, so it may take me awhile to find a pair of pants,” Tucker said before hanging up.

  “He’s on his way over.”

  “He’ll put on pants, right?” Uncle Mike asked.

  “He said he’d look for them. Your guess is as good as mine on what happens if he can’t find them.”

  “Tweedle,” Dr. Wilson said, walking into the living room. “I think your grandpa should be admitted to the hospital. I’d like to get him on an IV and monitor his vitals.”

  “It’s not safe,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t know who’s trying to hurt him.”

  Reel stood and got his wallet out, handing a card to Aunt Carol. “Call that admin lady and tell her I’ll pay for whatever Dr. Wilson says Vince needs and have them delivered to the house.”

  “Reel, I can’t let you pay.”

  “No offense, Dee, but it’s not about you. Your grandpa set up my financial accounts and helped me manage them for years. Your grandmother taught me how to build go-karts and how to fistfight. Your grandpa might not be blood related to me, but he’s my family too.”

  “Your grandpa taught me how to fix cars,” Rod nodded.

  “Grandma taught me how to make a martini. Grandpa paid for my art classes,” Tansey said, pointing to one of her oil paintings on the wall.

  I understood where they were coming from. My grandparents were generous people who shared their time with all of us as we grew up. But I still felt helpless, and I hated the feeling. I leaned over, resting my head in my hands.

  “You need to rest,” Reel said, sitting back down and pulling me over to lean into him. “You just got out of the hospital this morning.”

  “I have to talk to Tucker when he gets here.”

  “She’s right. That old coot is particular about client-privileged information. He won’t talk to any of the rest of us about the estate,” Uncle Mike said.

  I tried to stay awake. I really did. But my eyes slipped closed for just a minute, and the surrounding voices drifted away.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I woke up to the sound of snoring. A lot of snoring. When I opened my eyes, the first thing I saw was Bridget sitting on the floor in front of me, bouncing.

  Yes, bouncing. Like a little kid waiting for their parents to wake up on Christmas morning.

  “Finally,” she grinned. “I’m so bored! I thought this security stuff would be fun, but so far it’s just a bunch of traveling and waiting around.”

  “You don’t seem like the bodyguard type,” I yawned.

  “Thought I’d give it a spin. Donovan and Grady said they would consider letting me join the training program if I did well shadowing on this job. It’s not shaping up to be all that exciting, though. I think working retail is a lot more entertaining.”

  I looked beside me to find Reel sleeping with his head tilted back, snoring. Looking to my other side, Uncle Mike was sleeping in a similar position. Across the room, Grandpa slept in a hospital bed. On both sides of him were recliner chairs, tilted back, occupied by Wayne and Tucker. Tucker had three toes sticking out of his ripped sock, but I was glad to see he was wearing pants.

  “Help me up,” I whispered.

  Bridget soundlessly moved the coffee table over and handed me a crutch before pulling me up from the couch. From there, I followed her into the kitchen.

  “Where is everyone?”

  “Bones is outside patrolling the yard. Boring. Rod is out mowing the lawn. Aunt Carol and Tansey are in your grandpa’s den, trying to sort all the papers and get them back where they belong.”

  “What have you been doing?”

  “I gave myself a pedicure and cleaned one of the upstairs bedrooms for me to sleep in tonight. But then I didn’t feel like cleaning anymore.”

  “Why didn’t anyone wake me when Tucker got here?”

  “They were going to, but then Tucker said he could use a nap too,” she shrugged. “Do you want to go do something?”

  “Like what?”

  “We could go dancing.”

  I looked down at my leg, in the big white cast.

  “Right,” she said, looking at my leg. “It’s too early in the day, anyway. Maybe we should go to that dead lawyer guy’s office and break in and get your grandpa’s files!”

  “Hate to break this to you, Bridget, but I wasn’t too skilled at the B&E stuff before I broke my leg.”

  “I’ll go,” Tucker said, walking a bow-legged strut into the kitchen. “I made a few phone calls and couldn’t find anyone in charge of getting us in the legal way. Besides, it’s been a while since I broke in anywhere. Sounds like a hoot.”

  “But I need to talk to you about Grandpa’s will,” I said.

  “Best wait on that until your grandpa wakes and we see whether he’s regained his senses.”

  “Sweet,” Bridget bounced. “I’ll go get my supplies!”

  Bridget ran up the back stairs two at a time.

  “You really taking her to break into that office?”

  “Shucks, why not? If we get caught, I can talk my way out of it. Besides, I watched that minx snitch five wallets earlier with no one the wiser. She’s good.”

  “She stole everyone’s wallets?”

  “I wouldn’t say stole,” Tucker chuckled. “More like relocated them. They’re in the big vase in the foyer.”

  “Why would she do that?”

  “Practice, I suppose,” Tucker shrugged. “She didn’t get mine though.” He grinned, slapping his back pocket. His grin faded, and he used both hands to pat down his back pockets. “Little minx!” he grumbled, walking back out.

  I saw a crockpot on the counter
and got out a bowl. I knew it was Aunt Carol’s chili simmering in there before I pulled off the lid. I looked for bread but didn’t find any. I sat and ate the chili without it.

  “Good, you’re eating,” Aunt Carol said, carrying a garbage bag into the kitchen. “How was your nap?”

  I looked up at the clock. “Long. Was I really out for three hours?”

  “Everyone else was just as tired,” Aunt Carol nodded. “And Dr. Wilson sedated your grandpa so he’ll be asleep the rest of the night. He said we’d have to wait for the drugs to wear off to see what his mental state is like.”

  “I feel guilty.”

  “No reason to,” Aunt Carol said, shaking her head. “If your grandpa had given you the information you needed to handle things, then he wouldn't have found himself in this position. But he decided to keep you in the dark and let his lawyer handle everything.”

  The kitchen door swung open, and Loretta walked in, slamming her purse on the counter. “How come I wasn’t invited to the party?”

  “You are always welcome, no invitation needed,” I grinned, accepting her open-arm hug.

  Bridget bounced back down the stairs wearing black heeled boots, tight black pants, a black V-neck top and carrying a small black backpack. Bones entered the kitchen from the porch door right as she jumped the last step for a bouncy landing.

  “No,” Bones ordered, giving her a stare down.

  “I wasn’t asking for your permission,” she said, skipping out to the foyer.

  Bones sighed before glancing at me sideways. “Is she going to get arrested?”

  I shrugged. I had no idea.

  “Is she going by herself?”

  “Nope. Tucker agreed to take her.”

  “The hillbilly?”

  “The hillbilly attorney,” I corrected.

  “What’s the gig?” Loretta laughed.

  “B&E on a lawyer’s office,” I answered.

  “It will be fine,” Loretta said. “If they get caught, I give Tucker fifty-fifty odds of talking his way out of it. If that don’t work, the old coot has plenty of money to bail them out.”

  Bones shook his head. “Any more of that chili?”

  “Of course,” Aunt Carol said, filling a bowl to the brim. “Would you like a glass of milk with it?”