Resuscitate Me

by Leddy Harper

  Because the next could break me.

  “So, did you beat up the coffee table?” I asked once the humor subsided.

  “No. Logan wouldn’t let me. He told me hitting was bad, and then whispered in my ear that his mom would yell at me if I broke it.” He glanced at his feet and the lines extending from his lashes spread. “He’s one helluva kid.”

  “So what did you do?”

  “I moved the table against the wall and put it in timeout.”

  “Where was Danni?” I wished I could’ve been a fly in the room when this took place. Danni wasn’t a fan of moving things around, and made that known when I moved the nightstand in my room to the other side of the bed.

  “She was in the kitchen watching the whole thing. I told her I’d move it back before I left, but she told me it could stay there until Logan decided it had learned its lesson.”

  “He’s going to be heartbroken when I leave.”

  Carter took a few steps into the ocean until the waves crashed against his shins. “Yeah. He’s gonna miss ya. But you’re his aunt, so it’s not like he won’t ever see you again. I think it’s nice you came here this summer and bonded with him. And it sounds like your relationship with Danni is better than before, too.”

  “No…” I stood with my feet buried in the surf, rooted in place with words I had no right to say. But I said them anyway. “I mean you. He’s going to be sad when I leave, because that means he loses you, too.”

  He craned his head to the side and peered at me over his rigid shoulder. His posture stiffened, though the tension in his green eyes noticeably dissipated. They glistened, and I wanted to believe with everything in me it was caused by heartfelt emotions and not because of the sun’s reflection.

  “Well…” He licked his lips and ran his hand through his hair with his focus set firmly on the water between us. “We live in the same town. I’m sure I’ll see him around. It’s not like he’ll be in another state where I can’t visit him.”

  His last sentence replayed in my head. Once again, my heart took it one way, and my brain disagreed. I’d been stuck in a war between desire and logic for long enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. There was only so much my brain could do to guard my heart against the things he said. Against the things he did. Against him. Without an ounce of patience left in me, I threw my arms out and took a step in his direction.

  “What is this, Carter? You told me last week we needed to end things. You said it would get too messy if we let it keep going. So what about now? Huh? I’m at your house, on your beach, swimming in your ocean. You’re talking about seeing my nephew—my family—after I’m gone like you’re somehow attached to them but not to me. I understand I called you yesterday, but you didn’t have to follow me home. You didn’t have to come inside or invite yourself into my shower. You certainly didn’t have to have sex with me again. But all that aside…you slept in my bed, held me all night, wouldn’t leave the house without me, brought me here…for what?”

  “I told you I was worried about you yesterday. That’s the truth. I couldn’t just go home after seeing you run away from the hospital. I needed to make sure you were all right. Which you weren’t. You were alone, crying in your bathroom. I didn’t mean to have sex with you. Clearly. If I did, I would’ve worn a condom. I would’ve been prepared. But I wasn’t, because that wasn’t my intent when I went to you. It also wasn’t my intent to fall asleep last night. I was still in the same clothes I wore to work yesterday when I woke up. And today…I don’t know what you want me to say, Kara. I wanted to give you a day to relax.”

  If my heart could cry, it would be sobbing.

  Even though I knew it was nothing more than wishful thinking, I’d hoped he would’ve said he was with me because he felt the same way I did. That he’d grown some kind of feelings for me like I had for him. But instead, he pointed out once again how nice of a guy he was. He didn’t treat me special or want to be around me because he wanted more from me. He did it because he’s not an asshole. Because we had become friends in some sense of the word. Because he did like me…just not in the way I’d hoped.

  “So what now? We hold hands and frolic in the sand until the sun sets? You take me inside and have your way with my body one last time? Then what? You drive me home and wait for me to call you in a week to tell you I’m not pregnant?”

  “Can’t you just enjoy the day?” His tone was laden with exasperation.

  “No, I can’t, Carter.” I waded in the tide until I stood next to him and burned holes into his profile with my furious glare. I should’ve dropped it. Instead, I grasped the last chance I had to get everything out, and I wouldn’t let go until my resentment deflated. “You’re the one who accused me of having feelings for you, saying we’d allowed ourselves to go too far. That was your call. In case you don’t remember, I disagreed. But apparently, you thought you knew what was best for me and ended it all. So if you’re so worried about me, about how I feel toward you, my emotions, then why the hell come back? Why bring me here?”

  My rage must’ve enticed his, because he turned to fully face me, his broad shoulders coiled tight. He loomed over me enough to completely block the sun from my face and cover me in his cold shadow. “I never accused you of having feelings for me, Kara. My decision to walk away was never about that. It was because you pointed out how close we’d gotten. We’d only known each other for a few weeks, and somehow, we managed to become intimate on a personal level. It wasn’t just you. I’m just as much at fault as you are. I told you things I don’t normally share, and know things about you I shouldn’t. It was supposed to be a summer of fucking and having fun. And along the way, it became a summer of sharing personal information and learning the ins and outs of each other in such a short amount of time. That’s why I said we needed to stop it.”

  “Then why am I here?” I asked again, this time, almost a whisper—all anger gone.

  He fisted the unruly strands of his hair until his forehead pulled taut. “You don’t get it, do you? I just told you we’ve formed some kinda bond or attachment to each other. Not romantically, but as friends. Good friends. I care about you, Kara.”

  My heart clenched.

  And then imploded when he finished his thought.

  “I care about you like I do all my friends. If one of them had a shit day and needed to chill the fuck out, he’d be here with a beer in hand, and I’d be right there for him.”

  “So you shut me out because you don’t have time for more friends?”

  “No…” His rushed exhale deflated his posture until his shoulders hunched forward. “It’s not that. Have you become my friend? Absolutely. In a way, a better friend than most. Add in the fact I don’t fuck my friends, and you’re on a whole new playing field. This is the closest I’ve come to a relationship in a really long time. And considering I don’t want a relationship, it’s hard for me when it comes to you. I don’t know what to do about it, so I pushed you away. It was the safest thing to do.”

  His words swirled around in my brain, desperately trying to find their place within the bigger picture. Like a puzzle, there were still missing pieces, and it took me a few moments of deep thought, nothing other than the sounds of the ocean rushing past my legs, before I was able to reorganize it all.

  “Okay, I get that. And I can accept it now. But you still didn’t answer my question.”

  “What question?”

  “If you believe the safest decision was to push me away and end our time together early—to keep things from becoming overly complicated when I leave—why am I here? Why would you bring me here, alone, and spend even more personal time together?”

  “I did answer you. I told you I care about you, and I thought you needed a day to relax after what happened yesterday. I wanted to offer that to you—because you’re my friend. I understand this could complicate things more, and clearly it has, but I figured it was worth the risk to give you this day.”

  And the last puzzle piece fit into place.
<
br />   The picture was complete.

  It was an image of my shattered heart being whisked away with the tide.

  Carter pulled up in front of the house and put the car in park. He’d done this so many times over the last several weeks, but I couldn’t ignore the idea of this being the last time. Somewhere deep inside, I knew this wouldn’t happen again. Even though I still had eleven more days before I boarded a plane to take me back home, I’d never again sit in Carter’s car in front of the house like a teenager coming home from a date.

  “Did you at least have fun today?” His gravelly voice etched itself into me.

  “Yeah, once we got past everything. It was nice.”

  “Listen, Kara,” he said on an exhale, reaching for my thumb. It was the closest he’d come to holding my hand in almost a week. It wasn’t the same, but I wasn’t about to argue. “I don’t know how this will work out or what’ll happen. I have no idea what kinda friendship we can have being states away, but if you ever need me, you know my number. Just because you’re leaving doesn’t mean we can’t talk every now and then. Okay?”

  I laughed to myself, only offering him breathless giggles. “It’d be nice if you could make up your mind, Carter. The last time you dropped me off, you sat just like that and told me it was a bad idea for us to continue anything. Now, you’re telling me you still want to talk.”

  “I didn’t mean completely cut off all lines of communication. I think this thing will be easier once you go back home. We won’t have the option to spend time together. Only relying on a phone while we’re both working probably means we won’t talk to each other that often. But I never meant for you to think we can’t talk at all.”

  “So…friends?” I tilted my head and raised my eyebrows, proving to him there were no hard feelings. However, the action did nothing to prove it to myself.

  “Friends,” he agreed with a smirk.

  Instead of a kiss or some romantic gesture, he squeezed my hand before I climbed out of the car. He didn’t walk me to the door, but at least he stood next to the bumper and waited until I made it inside the house. It was a…friendly act.

  I found Danni and Logan curled up on the couch with the TV on. Logan seemed on the verge of falling asleep and didn’t pay me any mind at all as I fell into the recliner next to them. I couldn’t help but laugh when I noticed the coffee table pushed against the wall.

  “How’d it go? Are you okay?”

  I smiled at Danni and kicked the footrest out to recline in the seat. “Eh…I’ll be okay. It’s my fault anyway. I should’ve realized I was getting attached and stopped it before it got so out of hand. It just took me by surprise, you know?”

  “No…I don’t know.”

  “I’ve had many different kinds of relationships with guys in the past. Some I’ve dated, some have just been for the benefits, others were more…serious, but for some reason, I’ve never gotten attached to any of them. Even the serious ones. I still managed to stay detached in those. I’ve been with guys for weeks, for months, and somehow, I managed to get through them without ever developing any real emotional attachment toward them. So I honestly never thought it’d be a problem with Carter.”

  “You’ve never had feelings for any of them?”

  I shook my head and stared up at the ceiling fan. “Ever since Lo, no.”

  “You’ve never gotten over that, have you?”

  I turned my head enough to lock eyes with her, and I could see her palpable concern staring back at me. “It’s hard to say. I don’t think I’ll ever get over how he was taken from me. I still have moments where I’m angry at him for being so selfish, and then moments I’m sad and hurt for the pain he must’ve felt in order to do what he did.”

  “Do you think that’s the reason you haven’t been able to move on?”

  “I don’t think that’s fair to say. I have moved on. I’m not hung up on Lo or battling depression because of what happened. I’ve been in relationships…so I’d say I’ve moved on.”

  “Then why haven’t you been able to feel anything for anyone? I know you, Kara. You act like I haven’t known you since we were kids—long before your heart was broken for the first time. You get attached to people easily. Every time I turn around you have another best friend who you talk to all the time. Half of them end up being horrible people who stab you in the back or hurt you in one way or another. But it doesn’t stop you from trusting people with your whole heart. So why not guys? Why only do that with friends?”

  I shrugged and stared at the TV until the picture blurred. “I don’t know.”

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  The sun beat down through the windshield as I pulled down Carter’s long driveway. It was the first time I’d driven there myself, and it felt a little odd. I hadn’t seen him in over a week, not since the day he brought me to his house to swim in the ocean. Although, we had talked a few times via text messages. The times I’d been in the gym, I hadn’t seen him. I knew he was there, though, because his car was in the parking lot. I just assumed he was on the other side dealing with the construction and let him be.

  But this morning, I received a text asking me to meet him at his house. It was my last day in town and I figured he only wanted to see me one last time before I left. I didn’t ask questions. I simply grabbed Tommy’s car keys, ignored Danni’s wagging brows, and headed over.

  Carter had the front door open before I even got out of the car. He stood in the doorway in his gym clothes, so I assumed he’d left work to meet me here. I ignored the increased heart rate that thought induced.

  “Thanks for coming.” He leaned down and kissed my cheek, as if he’d caught himself halfway there and redirected his mouth away from my lips.

  It stung. I won’t lie.

  “Sure. No problem. Although I have no idea why you want to see me.” I followed him into the living room and took the seat he offered with his extended hand. To my surprise, he didn’t take a seat and instead, remained standing in front of me. “What’s going on, Carter?”

  “Have you gotten your period?”

  My lungs collapsed and my head fell forward.

  “I’ll take that as a no.”

  “No, I haven’t, but that doesn’t mean anything.”

  “It means something to me.” He walked a few feet away to the TV stand and grabbed a small paper bag. I knew what was in there without having to see it. “When you tell me your cycle is so regular you could pinpoint it to the hour, being three days late means a lot to me.”

  “A lot of things can affect a period, Carter.”

  “Have you ever been this late before?”

  “I’m sure I have.” It was a lie…I’d never been late before.

  He opened the bag and pulled out a box wrapped in cellophane. “Can you just please ease my mind and take this?”

  I made no move to grab the pregnancy test from his hand. “This is absurd.”

  “Listen, you’re leaving tomorrow; all I want is peace of mind before you board that plane. It’ll take thirty seconds, and it’s one of those fancy ones with the digital screen. It’ll say pregnant or not pregnant. No way to misread it.”

  “I don’t know why we have to do this now. I know my body. It’s not unheard of to be a few days late and not be pregnant. You wasted your money.”

  He sat down, but not next to me. Instead, he took the corner seat, leaving two cushions between us. “You may be fine with waiting for either a period or a baby, but I’m not. I need to know.”

  “But why? Some tests don’t even pick up on the hormones until five days after a missed cycle. Which is why I’m saying it’s pointless to do this now. If I still don’t get it in two days, then I’ll pee on a stick. But it makes no sense to do it this early.”

  “Fine, but there’s still a chance you could be, and this will detect it. It’s supposed to tell you earlier than other tests. If you are, we need to discuss it before you leave. We need to have a plan and agreement in place. And if you’re not…then there’s
nothing to worry about.”

  “Except it’s not that easy, Carter. I bet if I pee on that, it’ll say negative. But you won’t drop it. I’m telling you right now I know I’m not pregnant, and you won’t let it go, so why do you think you’ll be okay with some plastic stick telling you? Regardless if it’s me or the test telling you, I still haven’t gotten my period. So wouldn’t it make more sense to wait for Mother Nature to handle it?”

  Carter leaned forward with his elbows on his thighs. “Can you please just do this for me? I’ve never in my life had sex without a condom. The closest I’ve come was a broken rubber—once. My nerves are kinda shot, and all I’m asking is for you to please take this test. No, it won’t clear me of all worry, but at least it’ll offer a little peace. And in the event it says positive, we’ll be able to talk about it face to face. If this is a conversation we have to have, I’d prefer for it not to be over the phone.”

  “Then let’s talk about it. If that stick says positive, what do you plan to do?”

  Irritation brightened his eyes and tightened his jaw. But instead of losing his temper like he had plenty of times before when it came to me and my abrupt attitude, he simply blew out a long, slow exhale and rolled his shoulders. “I don’t have a plan, Kara. That’s why I’m saying we should talk about it. It’s something that should be mutually decided on.”

  “I’ll tell you right now, if you’re contemplating abortion, you can go ahead and take it off the table. It’s not going to happen. Adoption isn’t completely out of the question, but I don’t likely see me going with that, either. So…if that stick says yes, let’s go ahead and assume I’m keeping the baby. What does that mean for you?”