Resuscitate Me

by Leddy Harper

  “Listen…I’ll pay you. Tell me what you make at the school and I’ll double it.”

  I didn’t want his money. I’d stay with him for free if I knew it’d all work out in the end, but that was something I couldn’t predict. Not with him, at least. He was completely unpredictable, and the thought of losing him and my job scared me shitless. “I’ll call the school in the morning and see what they say. I can’t make any promises, Carter. If they won’t give me leave, I’ll have to go back. It’s nothing against you.”

  He only nodded and stared at the ceiling, refusing to meet my gaze. “How’s the gym?”

  “It’s surviving. Everyone’s been asking about you, making sure you’re doing okay. Even some of the regulars. The construction’s coming along well; shouldn’t be much longer before the space is ready for the obstacles. And Barbie is actually doing her job now, although I don’t think she cares for me. She’ll probably be the most excited person when you come back.”

  “Maybe I’ll ask her to take care of me.”

  My throat tightened and all the air expelled from my lungs, taking far too much time to fill back up. “That wasn’t called for, Carter. I don’t know why you’re trying to hurt me.”

  Finally, he turned his head to look at me, but the expression on his face was hard and unreadable—other than unmistakable anger. “You don’t want to stay, so why shouldn’t I ask her? And as far as hurting you? I don’t see how asking someone else to come help me when I need it would hurt you.”

  “Because you know how I feel about…” My words died on my lips in a whispered breath.

  “If that were true, you’d stay.”

  “I told you I’d call the school in the morning and find out.”

  “And I told you I’d pay you. More than what you’re making.”

  I threw my hands in the air and backed away. Even in a hospital bed with over twenty percent of his body charred, he still managed to argue. His defiance had no limits. His control knew no bounds. “You’re looking at a month of recovery. Maybe a few weeks of actually needing assistance. What am I supposed to do after that? Huh? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get hired in after the beginning of the school year? I’d be lucky if I were able to get a teaching assistant position, and then wait for a classroom to open up.”

  “Why do you have to teach?”

  I stared at him with my mouth hanging open, blinking as if I’d heard him wrong. I waited for long moments, hoping he’d correct himself—or at the very least, realize how stupid he sounded. However, he only stared back, which did nothing but fuel my rage further. “Are you fucking kidding me, Carter? I went to school and got a degree…to teach, not to sit next to your bed and be at your beck and call. You know why I chose this profession. I’ve told you. And somehow, you can lie here and ask me why I wouldn’t give that up for you. How about this, Carter…why do you have to own a gym? Why do you have to live on the beach? Why can’t you give it all up and come to Linville so I can take care of you there without giving up my life?”

  “Why do you have to stay in Linville? I’m sure there are schools all over the country looking for good teachers.”

  I had to laugh. I couldn’t help it. “Really? Are you seriously suggesting I give up my job in the town I live so I can be here for a few weeks to help you, all because I could live anywhere and get a job? Are you listening to yourself?”

  “I’m just saying it’s not the end of the world to stay here. No one said it only has to be a few weeks. No one said you had to leave when I got better. Your sister lives here, right? It’s not like you wouldn’t know anyone.”

  Dissecting his words would’ve taken too long. Instead, I sat on the couch with my head in my hands. “You’re on a lot of pain pills, and it’s messing with your head. I’ll call the school tomorrow to see what they say, but I can’t guarantee anything. I might get two weeks at the most, but I doubt they’ll give me longer than that. I’m sure by that time, you’ll be thinking clearer and will see what you’re saying is selfish and makes no sense.”

  He didn’t say anything for a long time, which forced me to look over at him. He concentrated on the squared ceiling tiles with his brows knitted, causing the lines on his face to deepen. I assumed his less severe burns on the left side of his face were better, either that or his pain meds were working.

  I opened my mouth to speak, but he cut me off. “I’m tired. I don’t wanna talk anymore.”

  It killed me to hear those words come from him. He’d pushed me away for the first time since he finally came to. I couldn’t handle it, nor could I deal with being in the room with him. I stood to leave, only pausing when he spoke up.

  “Where are you going?”

  “You said you’re tired. I’m letting you get some rest.”

  “I can sleep with you here.”

  I craned my neck to see him over my shoulder. “I don’t care to sit here and do nothing while you sleep. I’m going back to Danni’s to shower and rest, maybe hang out with Logan for a little while. I’ll see you later.”

  “When will you be back?”

  My hand stilled on the cold metal handle. His question was filled with such despair it consumed the entire room and threatened to drown me. But I couldn’t allow myself to give in, not when he was acting like this. “I don’t know,” I said and pulled the door open.

  Susan stood in the hallway, leaning against the wall. I smiled at her, though it wasn’t a full grin. There was nothing happy about the way I felt. “He’s in bed. Says he’s tired. I’m going back to my sister’s for a bit, but I’ll be back before his next dressing change.”

  “Don’t let him aggravate you, Kara.” She cupped my elbow and halted my steps. “He’s in a bad place right now. He’s upset and lashing out at everyone—including me. He was like this after his father passed away, holed up in his own shell, but he will come out of it. I promise you. But please, don’t give up on him.”

  “I take it you heard.”

  She nodded and her eyes began to glisten, the sheen of tears brightening the blue until they were almost lit up. “He doesn’t admit his feelings easily. Sometimes, never at all. Him asking you to stay, wanting only you to help him and no one else…that’s more than most get from him.”

  I laid my hand on her shoulder and offered her a more genuine smile than before. “I appreciate that, but I still don’t see how anyone can expect me to uproot my entire life for a man who can’t admit his feelings for me. Even if he did, I still don’t know if that’d be enough.”

  “You flew here as soon as you heard he was injured. You’ve taken over at the gym to make sure his life was being handled with care. I know you care about him, Kara, that much is obvious. And I know my son. He’s asking you to stay, to choose him, and even though it’s not practical, to him, it’s a really big step.”

  I had to stop her. I couldn’t let her carry on with that line of thinking. “I appreciate what you’re saying, but I must disagree. Asking me to give up my whole life while he keeps his isn’t taking a step for me. It’s me taking a step and him reaping the benefits. I’m not asking him to give up anything, so he shouldn’t ask it of me.”

  “I understand. I guess I’m just from a different generation. Carter’s father asked me to take a chance on him, and I did. We moved more times than I can count, made and lost more friends than I can remember, and I had to spend months without him. But in the end, it was the best journey I’d ever made, and I’m so thankful I did it with him. There isn’t a day that goes by I second guess that chance I took on him. I don’t regret a single moment.”

  There was so much about Carter’s dad I didn’t know. I’d only heard bits and pieces through stories, though they were never stories about him. But to hear this woman talk about the sacrifices she’d made, and how they were all worth it, left my mind in a whirlwind all the way back to Danni’s house.

  I certainly had a lot to think about.

  “Wait…I’m confused.” Danni set the basket of laundry on
the bed and began folding clothes while we talked. I’d caught her up on everything, including Carter’s request for me to stay. “So you’re not going back home?”

  “No. I called the school this morning and explained what’s going on.”

  She stilled with a shirt against her chest. I could see it out of the corner of my eye because I refused to look at her. She’d made it known she wanted Carter and me to figure something out, but I was unsure how she’d react to knowing I’d put my job in jeopardy to do so. “And the school said you could take the time off?”

  I picked at a string on her comforter, making it pull worse than it already had, and nodded. “Yup. They told me to take all the time I needed.”

  “Are you exchanging pleasurable favors for this?”

  I peered over at her and rolled my eyes. “Whatever do you mean, Danni? Please, you must elaborate on these pleasurable favors. Are you talking about me washing the principal’s car?”

  “Yeah, in a white T-shirt, sans bra, with your mouth wrapped around a certain baby-making appendage.”

  “Just say it. Please. One time, would you just say the freaking word?”

  “If I say it, will you tell me the truth?”

  “Absolutely.” I grinned, already knowing how I’d get out of it.

  “Fine.” She shrugged and finished folding the shirt. “Penis. There, are you happy now?”

  “Slightly. There are better words than that, you know.”

  Danni waved me off and went back to the clothes in the basket. “Now, you have to be honest with me. Did they really give you the time off? Because it seems highly unlikely they would’ve done that, especially considering it’s the start of a school year and Carter isn’t an immediate family member.”

  I went back to ruining her bedspread. “Yes. I told you what they said. I could take all the time I needed. I explained the situation with his health, the level of care he needs, and they were very understanding. Just because your boss is an asshole doesn’t mean mine is.”

  “So what’s going to happen with your class?”

  I shrugged and then rolled my head to alleviate the hole she burned into the side of my face with her intense glare. “There are aides for each class, and then floating teachers. I’m assuming they’ll get one of them to cover for me in my absence.”

  “Have you told Carter yet?”

  “No. I’m scared to.”

  “Does he know how you feel?”

  “How could he not?” I faced her with wide eyes. Exasperation had completely taken me over by this point. “I rushed back here to be by his side. Who’d do that if they didn’t care about the person?”

  “Obviously, he knows you care about him. Just like you know he cares about you. But if he’s under the impression your feelings for him are only friendly, why would he put himself out there? You heard what his mom said…he doesn’t open up on that level. You have to read between the lines.”

  “I’m not going to play games with him, Danni. If he can’t tell me how he feels, then I won’t assume. Last thing he told me was we were friends, and he cares about me like he does all the guys. Although, he had to point out he doesn’t fuck his guy friends, so there’s that one little difference. And the pregnancy tests…I still don’t see how all that fits into this.”

  “Are you dense? It doesn’t matter if he’s completely head over heels in love with you, ready to get down on one knee in the middle of Times Square. No one wants a kid with someone they’ve just met, especially someone who’s about to get on a plane and made it very clear she has no desire to move closer to him. You can’t blame the guy for wanting to make sure you weren’t taking his bun in your oven back home.”

  I knew she was right. Hell, I knew it before I asked, but it didn’t stop me from questioning everything. He’d mentioned a baby when he was high on morphine. I still had no idea what that meant. Susan’s recount of what had happened between Carter and his ex explained a lot, but it still left holes in the story.

  “So you haven’t seen him since yesterday?”

  I shook my head while helping her match socks together. “I told his mom I’d be back last night for his dressing change, but I couldn’t face him. I figured I’d wait until after I had answers for him about whether or not I’d be staying.”

  “Are you planning on going up there sometime today?” She checked her watch. “Doesn’t he get his bandages changed around eleven in the morning? Because it’s past that. Which means you’ve now missed two times. Are you trying to make him think you’ve left and given up on him?”

  “Gee, thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious. And no, that’s not my intention. I have to be at the gym to take care of some stuff, so I thought I’d head up to the hospital once I’m done. It’ll keep me from spending half the day in the car.”

  “It’ll also make him think you’d rather sit here than sit by him.”

  “You act like he’s a wimp who gets his feelings hurt over stupid shit. He’s not. He gets offended easily, sure, and he’ll more than likely be pissed at me, but I can guarantee he’s not in his room crying over the fact he hasn’t seen me in twenty-four hours. I’m up there every day. That’s got to count for something.”

  Danni took a pair of rolled-up socks and threw it at my head. “If I’m in bed when you come home tonight, make sure you wake me up and tell me how it goes. I don’t know if I can wait ‘til morning to say I told you so.”

  I brushed her off with an eye roll and side hug before leaving the room. I hadn’t worried too much about how he’d react to me not being there—until she pointed it out. The truth was, Carter hadn’t been himself. And even though his nature wasn’t to act like an adolescent girl whose feelings were hurt, I couldn’t help but worry about his temperament.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  I made sure my stop at the gym was as quick as possible. I missed him and wanted to be there for him, and honestly, missing those dressing changes wasn’t the best decision I’d ever made. But I’d needed the time to get my head straight, to weigh my options and decide what would be best for both of us. I also knew I wouldn’t have been able to handle his mood if it were anything like when I’d left.

  “He’s not happy. Good luck,” one of the nurses said as she buzzed me in.

  I didn’t ask questions, only stepped down the hall to his room and walked in. To my surprise, Susan wasn’t on the couch like she normally was, and the seat next to his bed was pushed back against the wall. Carter was in the bed flexing his right hand with his sights set on me, his jaw clenched tight.

  “Where’d your mom go?”

  He was silent for a few moments, only staring his frustration into me. “I sent her home, which is where you should be. I don’t want anyone here.”

  “Why? What happened?” I moved the chair closer and sat down, too afraid to sit on the side of his bed. He looked like he was about to explode, and I didn’t want to be too close if he chose to take it out on me.

  “You weren’t here, so she tried to take your place.”

  I waited for him to go on, but he didn’t. His sentence ended as if I’d somehow understand the rest. “Okay? What’s wrong with that? She’s your mom. It’s her job to take care of you, isn’t it?”

  Rather than answering my question, he stared at the wall in front of him while continuing to flex his hand.

  “I see you got your glove off. Does that mean it’s better? Did you get your other one off, too?” His palm was still red, but it lacked the blisters from before.

  “They only took this one off because I made them. I have another glove I have to wear to protect the skin, but they wanted me to do exercises without it for a little while.” He turned to glare at me, but all I saw was pain in his eyes. “I told you I didn’t want my mom helping me go to the bathroom. I told you I didn’t want her to take care of me, but where were you? You weren’t here when they brought me my food, so my mom had to feed me. Do you have any idea how fucking humiliating that is? To have your mother feed you
like you’re some kinda infant incapable of doing anything on your own?”

  “I’m so sorry, Carter. I had things to take care of. I was at the gym handing everything for you while you’re in here. I can’t be two places at once. It was either sit here and wait for the nurses and your meal, or be there taking care of everything so I could spend the rest of the day with you. You tell me what you want me to do next time.”

  “I want you here.” His voice shook with the sound of tears, yet his eyes remained dry. “I don’t wanna do this without you. I can’t. You keep me calm when they’re scraping the dead skin off. Do you know how fucking painful that is? The only way I can get through it is with you, but you were gone. I don’t give a shit about the gym.”

  “That’s a lie, Carter. You do, and we both know it. You take so much pride in it, and everyone there has been working hard to make sure it’s still the place you built with your bare hands.”

  “These hands?” He held both of them up for me. The left one still had thick padding beneath a black glove. White bandages wrapped up his forearm, disappearing beneath the sleeve of his gown. I knew he was getting better, but seeing him like this made him appear worse than before.

  I pulled myself from the chair and sat on the edge of the thin mattress next to him. “You need to calm down. Nothing will get resolved by getting angry, okay? I understand you’re upset right now, but it doesn’t do either of us any good. Hearing you yell and seeing you so pissed off only makes me want to leave.”

  “You already don’t wanna be here. So why should my attitude make any difference?”

  I released a sigh and carefully placed my hand on his chest over his heart. It was padded beneath his gown, but I still didn’t want to add any pressure to keep from causing him pain. “I called the school today. They said I could stay and take care of you.”

  “For how long?”

  “Until you’re better.”