Resuscitate Me

by Leddy Harper

  He didn’t bother to question me any more, and seemed to calm down. He asked me about the gym and what all I’d been doing with it. Even though he said he didn’t care about the place, the pride and awe in his eyes told me something different.

  I continued to sit on the bed and talk. It was the first time since before I left to go back home that we did this, and it felt good. He asked about Logan and Danni, which warmed my heart that he cared enough to keep up with what they were doing.

  “You know…you don’t really talk about your dad. Why is that?”

  “He’s dead. What’s there to talk about?” It was cold and heartless, but I could tell what he meant by it. It didn’t come from a place of sadness or even anger, more of a blanketed statement, a truthful explanation.

  “Lots of things, Carter. Like…what did he do after he retired from the Air Force?”

  “He was a cop. At one point, he was a detective, but he hated that job. He said it was too boring. Too much desk work apparently. So he went back to the uniform, which is what he enjoyed most.”

  I loved the way his tone softened whenever he spoke of his dad. The admiration he felt was evident. I could’ve gotten lost in the way his focus would move to a wall or the floor when he talked about him, like he was envisioning him in his head.

  “He was responding to a call about a disturbance at a gas station. I guess someone complained about kids hanging around one night. He went inside to check it out and was shot.” Sorrow wrapped around every word, weighing them down in tangible grief, and I felt it deep inside.

  “You sound like you looked up to him a lot.”

  Carter laughed to himself, only an airy chuckle making its way out. “We were fine while he was in the Air Force. We had housing allowance, and most of the time, my parents found places to live below what they got, so we had money to save. But after he retired, we had to live off his cop salary, which wasn’t really that much. So to help them out, I got a job bagging groceries when I was fourteen. I saved every penny. When I was sixteen, I chose to bum rides with my friends or borrow my mom’s car to get me around. I took the bus to school so I wouldn’t have to spend any of my savings on a vehicle. Originally, I thought I’d have to pay for college, so that was my reason for working and not buying anything. Then I got a full scholarship. My dad was really proud of me, because his family had never been able to afford college. That’s why he chose to enlist instead of going into debt for school.”

  I didn’t interrupt him. The sound of his voice was enough to soothe my soul and keep me entrenched in his story. I never wanted him to stop talking. For once, he wasn’t angry, he wasn’t showing signs of being in distress, and he wasn’t asleep.

  “When I decided to leave school and open a gym, he was furious. It took me ‘til the start of the next semester before I found the courage to tell him.” He laughed again and stared up at the ceiling, as if looking at his father. “That’s a lie. I never found the courage. My dad found out because I moved out of the dorms and he’d gone to see me. I’d gotten an apartment a couple o’ months before that, and never told him. Needless to say, he was pissed about more than my decision to leave school. He said I’d kept it from him—which I did—because I knew it was wrong. He said my plan to pull my savings was irrational and risky.”

  “He didn’t think you could do it?”

  “I honestly don’t know. He never said one way or the other. I think it was the fact it was a gym. He viewed that as childish, saying I’d never grow up if I lived the life of a meathead. But I never let it stop me. And to be honest, I think his disappointment gave me more determination. I wasn’t a stranger to hard work. I knew what had to be done, and I was willing to do it all. I’d gotten a loan from the bank, used every penny I had in savings—which was six years’ worth—and opened that very first gym. I pretty much ran it myself since I didn’t have a lot to pay as many employees as I needed. I had five people working for me, and three of them were my friends who let me pay them minimum wage and let them have free access to the gym as long as they weren’t needed on the floor. I did all the personal training sessions and worked my ass to the bone.”

  “Well, it paid off.”

  “Yeah, it did. And my dad ended up saying he was wrong. That was a huge moment.” His lips spread into a wide grin, the dimple on his cheek deepening. “You see, my dad never admitted when he was wrong.”

  “Sounds familiar,” I muttered under my breath.

  “He was stubborn in all aspects of life, other than with Mom. She had him by the balls, and I think he liked it that way.”

  “How’d they meet? Do you know?”

  He rolled his eyes, but smiled anyway. “I’ll let her tell you that story.”

  “She’s not here…because you kicked her out. So now you have to tell me.”

  “Fine,” he said with a huff. “They met at church camp. They were both summer counselors. After he went back home, he enlisted in the Air Force, and two weeks before he had to leave for training, he showed up at her house and asked her to marry him.”

  “What?” It was louder than I’d anticipated, but I couldn’t hold back my surprise. “Did they stay in contact after they left camp or something?”

  Carter lifted his shoulders slightly. “Hell if I know. That’s why I said you should have my mom tell you. I don’t care about this shit. But I’ve heard it enough times since—” He shook his head, clearly changing his mind about his next words. I assumed he’d meant since his dad passed away. “Anyway…I don’t know much about it other than he didn’t want to go away without her, and the only way she could go with him is if they were married. So he asked and she said yes.”

  “I guess it’s true what they say—when you know, you know.”

  “Either that or they were two complete idiots who somehow made it work.”

  I shook my head and tsked at him. “Don’t call your parents idiots. Clearly, they knew what they were doing. They stayed married through everything, and I’m sure they had battles to conquer, but they raised one hell of a guy.”

  He ran the tip of his finger along the lines on my open palm. I could tell he wanted to hold my hand, just as much as I wanted to hold his, but he couldn’t.

  “So…I found something in your office. In the drawer.” I decided to pry, hoping he’d give me something to go on. “It was the sticky note I’d left you a while back. The one I’d stuck to your computer. You had it on top of some papers in your desk.”

  His focus remained on my hand, where he traced my fingers. “What’d ya do with it?”

  “I put it back. I wasn’t sure if you were keeping it or if you meant to throw it away and just…I don’t know, mistook your drawer for the trashcan.” When he didn’t offer anything up, I pushed harder. “Were you keeping it for a reason?”

  “What reason would I have to keep it?” His tone was hard, almost cold.

  “I don’t know…sentimental reasons?”

  His eyes met mine, and I couldn’t swallow. “Do I look like a sentimental guy?”

  I pulled my hand away and slid off the bed. “Why are you being like this? We were having a good conversation; why ruin it with being nasty to me?”

  “I wasn’t being nasty. I asked what I believe was a rational question.”

  I shook my head, choosing to ignore him, and moved away from the bed toward the couch. Truthfully, I wanted to leave the room altogether, but I didn’t think my shaky legs would make it that far.

  He huffed and clenched his jaw, making his words come out harsh and slightly angry. “It was a fucking sticky note, Kara. I took it off my computer and set it down on my desk. I must’ve put the papers in the drawer, the note included. I don’t know what you want me to say. If I had feelings for you, wouldn’t keeping something like that make it worse? If I can’t be with you…is a piece of paper supposed to make up for it?”

  “Then why did you insist I stay? If I mean nothing to you, if you don’t care about me enough to keep a damn sticky note, why ask m
e to put my job on hold to be here?” It took everything I had in me not to cry. My frustrations fused with the heavy emotion running through me and caused my voice to tremble, but I wouldn’t allow him to see the pain his words triggered.

  “Because I… You…” He closed his eyes and took in a raspy inhalation. Conflict painted his face in deep lines and tight muscles. But then he looked at me again, and everything vanished. “Because I trust you. You’re the only one I trust.”

  “What about your mom?”

  His tongue peeked out and he slowly licked his dry lips. “It’s different. Just leave it at that.”

  I began to question every reason I’d decided to stick around. My stupid heart let me believe he’d wanted me with him on a more personal level. Knowing that wasn’t the case, I contemplated finding a flight home and telling the school I’d be back in time.

  Up until this moment, a small amount of hope resided in my chest.

  Hope that he’d come around. That he’d admit his feelings.

  But now…I had nothing.

  My hands shook around my phone as I listened to her berate me for my choices. I knew she’d disagree and give me her opinion, but I guess I hadn’t anticipated the level of disgust in her tone. I told her everything I’d said to Danni about the school and my job.

  “Mom, I didn’t call for your approval. I only wanted to tell you what’s going on.”

  “Kara Lynn Stevens.” She spat my entire name as if I were a child. “You can’t just leave work for some boy you met. It’s irresponsible. I thought I raised you better than that.”

  I stared at Danni, who sat on the other end of the couch, listening to the entire conversation over speakerphone. She’d mouth things to me from time to time, helping me with what to say. It reminded me of when we were younger and she’d coach me on how to ask permission to do something with her. It was no secret to my friends how difficult my mom could be.

  She raised her brows and opened her eyes wide, silently telling me to pull up my big girl panties and stand up for myself. Words weren’t needed. Only one look and I knew what it meant.

  “I’m not leaving work, Mom. I’m taking a leave of absence. Not to mention, Carter is paying me to help him, so I’m not losing any money. I’ll be fine. We have it all worked out, and I’ll see you when I come back.”

  “Do you think your father and I run some sort of storage unit for you?”

  I threw my head back and sighed to keep from verbalizing my frustration. “No, I don’t think that at all. If it’d make you feel better, I could ask someone to come over and move my things to get them out of your house. I’ll just stay with a friend when I come back before I find a place of my own.”

  “That’s not what I’m asking you to do. I don’t want anyone coming in here and helping themselves to your things. But this has gone on long enough, don’t you think?”

  “You’re the one who suggested I stay with you instead of moving out!” I’d lost my patience and couldn’t hold back my aggravation. I didn’t often yell at my mother, but when I did, it was because she’d backed me into a corner. Danni put her hand on my knee to calm me down.

  “Yes, I did, but there’s a difference in you staying here and keeping your things in my house while you’re in Florida.”

  At the end of my rope with her, I simply said, “Tell me what you want me to do, Mom.”

  “I want you to come home and deal with your responsibilities like an adult.”

  “So you want me to fly home, move my things to storage, fly back here to take care of Carter, and then fly back home to go to work without a place to live? How does that make sense? That’s a whole lot of money just to appease you when I could have my friends take care of it for me.”

  Sudden noises echoed through the line, and if I were to take a guess, she was in the kitchen throwing around the dinner dishes. “It’s your life, Kara. If you want to throw it away on some fling, then that’s on you. If you get fired or don’t have a place to live, don’t come crying to me. I raised you to have morals. I don’t know where we went wrong.”

  I had a difficult time keeping my composure. My eyes burned with the tears threatening to break through, and I couldn’t speak for fear it’d break the dam. It’d been like this all my life. When I was younger, I didn’t have a leg to stand on, so I couldn’t fight back. However, being an adult wasn’t much different. I could argue with her, but it still didn’t change anything. Although now, she couldn’t ground me for talking back. Instead, she just verbally attacked me until I felt like crawling into a hole and crying.

  Gaining her acceptance was impossible.

  “You raised me to be compassionate, and that’s what I’m being right now. I have someone in my life who needs me, and I’m going to be there for him. I don’t expect you to understand.” I wiped away a stray tear and closed my eyes to keep more from following. “I’ll see you when I come home.”

  She started to say something else, but I ended the call before I could listen to it.

  “Is she right? Am I fucking my life up?”

  Danni took my hand and gave me a sad smile. “No, I don’t think you are.”

  “He doesn’t want me. So what’s the purpose of all this?”

  She leaned back into the couch and stared across the room. “I think you just need to stop listening to everyone else and do what you feel is right. You listened to your heart when it told you to come back, and I think in your gut you knew you couldn’t leave until he got better. Listen to that. Don’t worry about what Carter does or says—you already know he’s a difficult person. He’s stubborn and quick to speak his mind. Your mom, as much as I love her, has a tendency to think she’s right about everything.” Her eyes found mine again. “What do you think is right?”

  “I think I just need to get through this next month and then figure it out.”

  “Is there a chance you’ll move here after this is all over?”

  Over the last few months, my heart had taken a beating, and now, it finally decided to crumble. All the hope I’d given into and the dreams I’d allowed to believe came crashing down around me. The bubble I’d lived in popped, and the fall back to reality devastated me.

  “No. I don’t know where I’ll end up after Carter is all better…but it won’t be here.”

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  I pulled the car around and parked next to the curb. Carter stood in front of a wheel chair, where he and a nurse seemed to be arguing over something. Knowing Carter, she probably tried to keep him seated, and he refused.

  “Come on, let’s go.” I held the passenger door open for him, but he made no move to get in. I’d lost all patience when it came to him, and no matter how complacent he’d become over the last week, it didn’t change how I felt.

  “I don’t ride shotgun for anyone. I’ve told you this before.” He was adamant, but I was fed up.

  I put my hand on my hip and glared at him. “Then get in the back. Those are your two options—shotgun or chauffeur style. You’re not driving after spending almost three weeks in the hospital. I’m here to take care of you, which means driving your stubborn ass home. This is what you hired me to do. Get over it, Carter.”

  His dark eyes and pursed lips painted a picture of an unhappy man, but I didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t here to make him happy. In fact, if I had my way, I would’ve been in Linville learning everything I could about a group of five-year-olds. Not here dealing with a selfish thirty-six-year-old man.

  Reluctantly, he lowered himself into the passenger seat, grimacing with every move. Seeing him in pain still broke my heart—I doubted I’d ever be able to turn that off—but I couldn’t allow myself to become wrapped up in my emotions like I had before. This was my job now. I got paid a lot of money to care for him, but that didn’t mean I had to care about him.

  Getting my heart to believe that would take some work.

  “Where’s my mom?” he asked after I pulled away from the entrance.

  “She’s at your
place getting settled in.”

  “I take it that means you’re gonna sleep in my room with me then.”

  My mouth dropped open and I waited a little too long at the stop sign, utterly stunned with his assumption. A car horn finally snapped me out of my shock enough to make the turn; however, I still fumbled with how to respond.

  “If my mom’s in the guest bedroom, I’m not gonna make you sleep on the couch. So it’s either my room or on the floor in my home gym. I figured you’d rather sleep on a bed instead of a blow-up mattress.”

  “I’m not sleeping in your room, Carter. I’m staying at Danni’s.” He was insane if he thought I’d be at his beck and call twenty-four-seven.

  “How do you expect to be there for me if you’re ten minutes away?” I couldn’t tell what emotion was in his eyes—confusion or possibly victory.

  I tightened my grip on the steering wheel and fought to control my temper. “The same way a nurse would if you’d hired one instead of making me stay. You don’t need around-the-clock care. You only need help changing your bandages and putting on your skins.”

  He’d been given protective sleeves for his arm, leg, and a wraparound one for his side. They were meant to prevent his scar tissue from thickening and help promote the healing of his new skin, but they were difficult to put on by himself. He was still in a considerable amount of pain unless medicated, though he didn’t like to take his pills as directed. Needless to say, Carter was a tough patient.

  “I’m paying you a lot of money.” His tone pissed me off. I wasn’t for sale—for any amount of money.

  “To help you…not to be your whore.” My anger couldn’t be contained as I spat my words at him. I refused to look his way. Instead, I kept my eyes on the road ahead of me. “Danni is letting me drive my brother’s car because mine is nearly a thousand miles away. I doubt she’d let me use it if I’m staying at your house.”

  “You’re a shit liar.” A breathless chuckle filled his words. “But even if she won’t, it’s not like you can’t drive my car. And I’m gonna pretend you didn’t just insinuate I’m paying you to have sex with me.”