The Not-Outcast

by Tijan

  I flattened my palm against the wall. “Listen to me. It is what it is. You cannot look back on ‘what ifs’ and ‘should’ves.’ Trust me. You were a kid. You’re still a kid, and I was getting my head together. We’re here now. That’s the great thing. Now…you walking down the same time I was walking in, that was meant to be. I believe in that shit. Believe in that. Okay? No look-backs. Got it?”

  He didn’t at first, but then jerked his head down in a nod. “Yeah. Fine. I got it.”

  Good.

  Good.

  I saw Deek and Chad heading back, beer in hand and it looked as if they were heading to fight a Marvel supervillain. All scowls, and I had to flinch because one of those guys was the reason I’d been born.

  “Super Scowls are returning.”

  Hunter grinned, but stepped back from the wall.

  I let my hand fall back. “Let’s text instead? Or call, even? I’ll email you my digits.”

  He nodded. “Sounds good.”

  Then Chad was near us and he had his head tipped up in a challenging way.

  I considered pointing out that there was no fight to be alpha between us, though; let’s be realistic. It’s hard to out-street someone from the streets. Chad might scoff at that, but someone else from the streets would get me. They’d be on the same wavy train.

  “I looked at your seats, but you weren’t there tonight.”

  I almost laughed at that. “Because you cared or because you needed to know which route to take to the concessions stand to avoid me?”

  He winced at the last suggestion.

  Right.

  So lovely.

  I let out a sigh. “I’m going to ignore the blatant disrespect you’ve shown me over and over again. I’m going to ignore a whole lot of things right now, but how about instead we could focus on what I should say when I go back to the seats I am sitting in tonight?”

  He frowned. He had no clue what I was talking about.

  This guy. Honestly. No deep thought?

  “I’m about to head back where I’m sitting with Sasha and Melanie.”

  At Sasha’s name, his eyes bulged and he lost a little blood in his face. He had a whole ‘oh shit’ look going on.

  Yeah. That’s what I’d been referencing.

  “And so what do I say? Because you know she’s my family and she’d be pissed off that I didn’t tell her how you just treated me.”

  Chad swallowed and went back to scowling. “What do you mean how I treated you? I treated…”

  “Dude. You didn’t.” This was from Hunter, and he was shaking his head. “Like, at all. You treated her like she was a criminal.”

  I made sure to give Deek a pointed look, and as soon as I did, I regretted it.

  He looked like me.

  And Hunter.

  And damn.

  I told Cut a while back that I didn’t have feelings for Deek or Chad, and to an extent I didn’t. But staring back at someone who was an older and male version of me, I was seeing someone I could’ve had in my life.

  And then the ‘ifs’ started, and I couldn’t stop them.

  If he’d been different.

  If my mom had been different.

  If I’d not been screwed up.

  If Natalie had been more kind and loving.

  If. If. If.

  I had to stop. No one wins in that situation. It happened how it happened.

  Right?

  Yes.

  I was swallowing tree bark, but yes. I had to accept that.

  Nothing could be changed, so it didn’t matter.

  Damn, it hurt to swallow that.

  And Chad hadn’t answered me.

  His mouth was tight, and his Adam’s apple kept going up and down, but then he let loose with a string of expletives.

  “Hunter,” Deek barked, his own voice tight. Grim. “Go back to your seat.”

  “But I—”

  “Now!”

  “I have to piss, Dad.” Hunter shot me a look before he swung around Chad and Deek, marching off in the direction of their seats, and his entire back was rigid.

  “I’ve come to realize that things are different—”

  “Deek,” Chad cut him off, then softened immediately. “Let me, you know. Let me handle this.”

  Handle this.

  I was refraining from commenting on that.

  He took two steps away before I called after him, “Hey, Deek.”

  He stopped, half-turning back.

  He didn’t say anything.

  I wasn’t surprised.

  I did, though. “You do know that I’m not the bad guy in this story, right?”

  He flinched.

  He got the message.

  It was kind of a shady thing to do, but he was my dad. Yes, there was no relationship. Yes, I was okay with it. Yes, at some point he had tried until for whatever reason, he decided to stop trying. Then, I remembered that he had paid for my college.

  I yelled out, “Just kidding. Thanks for the college tuition.”

  Oops.

  Chad didn’t comment on that, but he was hella frowning still. “Can you not say anything to Sasha about this?”

  “Uh. No. Sasha would be pissed if I didn’t.”

  He grimaced, saying under his breath, “Shit.”

  Cut told me Chad was going to try.

  This wasn’t him trying.

  “Let me tell her.”

  That seemed to take so much effort from him. He said it through gritted teeth.

  “What did I ever do to you?”

  His head popped up at my question.

  “I’ve done nothing, nothing that I can think of. Did I push you out of your house? That wasn’t my call. You know that, right? I’ve not said anything bad about you to Cut or Sasha. I’ve said nothing negative about anyone, except for that dig I just said to Deek, but do you blame me?”

  He edged backwards a step, looking like he was biting the inside of his mouth. He was looking every which way, but at me.

  I caught sight of the clock on the wall. Half the third period was over.

  Now I was the one who wanted to swear.

  Nut-Brother still hadn’t answered, and I was losing patience. “Forget it. I apologize for whatever I did, and I won’t say anything to Sasha except that there was an exchange, and she needs to hear it from you first.”

  After that, I was out.

  Once I hit my chair, I pulled my phone out and checked our emails. There was an email with his number so I sent him a text back.

  Me: Koala Sister here. It was nice seeing you. Missed you. The emails are great, but you know.

  A minute later.

  Koala Boy: Koala Brother here now. I missed you too. And I know.

  That. Right there. That was everything worth Deek or Chad. Everything.

  Thirty seconds to the end of the game, the sirens lit up.

  The Bravado scored.

  Mustangs lost.

  34

  Cut

  Hendrix dropped his towel on the bench beside me.

  I didn’t look up. Everyone was pissed. Hendrix was pissed. I was pissed. Alex. Crow. Everyone. Coaching staff. Margo swept through the locker room with a scowl of her own. We lost games. That was part of the job, but it wasn’t a good part. Every game counted because we wanted the Cup this year. Bad.

  Pulling on his pants, Hendrix dropped down, snagging a shirt on the way. He raised it up over his head, before yanking it down to cover him. “Talked to some of the guys. They’re up for heading to Bresko’s. Want to forget this game for the night.” He eyed me. “You in?”

  Cheyenne was here, but checking my phone I saw that Chad, Deek, and Hunter were also here.

  I frowned. “Uh… maybe.”

  He smirked. “Got to run it by your woman first?”

  I shot him a smirk back. “Spoken by someone who’d love to have a woman that he runs things by.”

  Hendrix’s laugh was quick and slightly abrupt. He stood back up. “Right. Maybe, if the righ
t one comes along.” He reached for his shoes, starting to pull them on, but frowned at me again. “That Not-Russian friend of your girl’s, maybe you should invite her tonight, too.”

  I rubbed at my forehead, enjoying what I was about to say. “She owns Tits, you know.”

  His eyebrows shot up. “The strip club?”

  I nodded.

  “No shit?”

  Another nod. I was right. I was enjoying this.

  He whistled under his breath. “Now I’m really intrigued.”

  “Heads up, though. She’s somewhat involved with Chad.”

  “Your boy Chad?”

  I nodded.

  Hendrix got all serious. “Good to know, but Bresko’s though?”

  “Maybe.” I was in the mood for some dark corner, sitting in a booth, holding Cheyenne and forgetting this game. I grabbed my bag up, giving Hendrix a nod. “Heading out. I’ll let you know about the club.”

  “Sounds good. Bring her with you. I forgot to add that. That was a given.”

  I assumed.

  Going through the door, my bag over my shoulder, I took two steps before my phone starting ringing.

  Chad calling.

  “Hey, man.” A bunch of people were coming down the hallway.

  They saw me, and a few raised their hands in hello. A couple stood back, waiting for me to pass. I had to lift my bag up and over a little kid, and his eyes were bugging out. I grinned down at him. “Hey, kid.”

  His mouth fell open.

  I kept going.

  “Hey…”

  Everything tensed inside of me.

  That wasn’t an easygoing-ready-to-down-some-beers Chad. That was his I-have-to-tell-you-something-you’re-not-going-to-like voice.

  My mood was going to take a nosedive. I felt it coming. “What happened?”

  He took a breath, and I could hear some voices behind him. Male voices. One sounded younger.

  “Who’s with you? That Hunter?”

  “I have to tell you something and you’re not going to like it.”

  I was just turning the corner for the parking lot, and there, standing just inside the door was Cheyenne. She was with her girls, Cassie included. The other three were talking, but Cheyenne was staring right at me. I took all that in, and I didn’t like what I was seeing or hearing.

  Cheyenne had a knowing look in her gaze.

  Chad was about to tell me something not good.

  I bit into the phone, “What the fuck did you do?”

  “I, uh…I got protective of Hunter, and Deek was there, and yeah. Not the proudest moment of my life.”

  “Chad.” Another growl from me.

  Cheyenne broke off from her group.

  I was getting attention, but she was ignoring it.

  I was ignoring it, though; I knew I couldn’t ignore it all. Sometimes shit that got overheard got spun and sold to websites and there was a whole section of click-bait hungry people out there, so I had to keep this neutral…for now.

  Cheyenne had made her way to me.

  I lifted my arm and she moved in, her arms sliding around me and her face touched my chest. I adjusted, putting the phone between my face and shoulder and cupped the back of her head with my hand.

  “Hi.” She looked up, a whisper from her.

  I smiled back at her, but I was tense. She felt it, and stepped back, a small frown showing. “Cut—”

  “Where are you going after the game tonight? I need to explain things. And I think I need to grovel to Cheyenne, too.”

  I ignored Chad and asked Cheyenne, “Why would Chad need to grovel to you?”

  She stepped back so quick, it was as if she was snatched away.

  “She’s there?” Chad in my ear, sounding slightly panicked.

  My eyes on Cheyenne, I responded to him, “She’s here.”

  He cursed at the same time Cheyenne looked away.

  “Hey.”

  She looked back, and I was looking. I was searching.

  Something happened, that was obvious.

  I asked, “Why am I getting a really bad feeling here?” That was to her. To Chad, I clipped out, “We’ll be at Bresko’s as long as Cheyenne can handle it. You want to grovel, get your ass there. And fast.”

  I hit the end button and held my phone.

  “I don’t trust myself to be at the house with him right now. Can you handle Bresko’s?”

  She nodded, too quick for my liking. “I was going to ask you, actually. Cassie said a bunch of the guys are going and Melanie wants to go. Those two made up.”

  I didn’t give a fuck, but I reached out, and pulled Cheyenne back to me. I just needed to hold her.

  I sent Hendrix a text.

  Me: In for Bresko’s.

  Hendrix. Awesome! See you there. Bring your girl’s friends too.

  I showed Cheyenne the text and she nodded.

  “Wait a second.” She touched my chest, heading back to her friends.

  Cassie was standing next to Melanie, and she tipped her head back.

  Cassie was smart. She could read people and she was reading me.

  She said something to the others, and it wasn’t long after when Cheyenne was giving each of them a hug and breaking off to head my way.

  She got to my side. “Cassie offered to drive the girls.”

  Thank you, Cassie.

  I put my phone in my pocket, shifted my bag, and reached for Cheyenne’s hand.

  Our fingers were laced and we headed out into the masses that way.

  35

  Cheyenne

  I was with Cut, in his truck, heading to Bresko’s, and I just finished updating him on Melassie.

  Cassie saw us at the game, came over. She and Melanie talked to the side for a bit. There was crying. There were hugs. Cassie apologized for being wrong, but I didn’t know what she was talking about. In the end, all was good.

  “I’m not saying this to come off as an asshole, but I don’t give a flying fuck about Melanie and Cassie.” He glanced sideways to me, his hand tightening on the steering wheel. “Can we fast-track this conversation to where it’s about you and Chad?”

  Oh.

  Yes.

  That.

  I’d been avoiding it, because who wouldn’t? The whole situation sucked. So, I told him. I told him everything. What I said. What Hunter said. What Chad said. What Deek said.

  At the end, he cursed.

  “Fuck.”

  It started off soft, then he cursed again.

  “Fuck!”

  Louder.

  “Fuck him!” Even louder.

  “That godd—” Lots of expletives here. And he finished it with, “Fuck Deek. Fuck Chad. Fuck both of them, but also fuck Natalie. I didn’t know you back then, but fuck her.”

  Lots of fucks given here. It was almost like I was in the same vehicle with Melanie.

  “Babe.” I reached over, grabbing his hand. “Chad said he needed to do some groveling. Let’s give him the chance?”

  He shook his head, a long and deep sigh leaving him. “That’s the thing. It’s too late. He had time to deal with it, whatever is the issue. He doubled down with how he treated you tonight. He had an opportunity to make it right, and he didn’t. Now he’s going to come and he’s going to apologize, but for how long? Until Deek shows up at your shelter’s gala?” He glanced over.

  His eyes were bleak, and my heart stopped.

  This was costing him his friendship.

  I reached out, tightening my hold on his hand. “Chad was your brother.”

  “Was.” He looked back, staring out the window. “How do I make that right inside? That someone who was my best friend, my brother, is treating someone I care about like what? What’s even the word, Cheyenne? What you said was right. They’re treating you like you’re a criminal, and you did nothing wrong. Nothing. You were a product of the environment you grew up in, and instead of becoming just like your mom, you made something of yourself, something good, someone who betters the world.”


  Oh, man.

  This was rocking me, in a bad way.

  I fell back, my hand loosening over his.

  I said, “Back then, I was used to being treated how I was, and it wasn’t just them. There were others. Social workers over time. Teachers. Teacher aides. I got used to it, but I never let ’em in. Never. Because I knew how they viewed me wasn’t what I was on the inside. I was so strong inside that they never made a dent. I don’t want Chad to make a dent. You know I’m not bothered by how he’s treating me.”

  “I don’t understand—”

  “It’s narrow-minded bullshit.” Point blank. Period. The end. “That’s it. My mom was a junkie, and I got looked at the same way. Don’t mean a thing that I never touched drugs. That I was never like her, ever. They looked at me like I was her or I was going to be like her, and they’re wrong. That’s their issue.”

  “Yes, and that’s my best friend.”

  Shit.

  The dent just got made.

  I was bleeding for him.

  “I’m sorry.”

  We were reaching the outskirts of town, and he turned onto the interstate. It’d be more smooth driving now, and he glanced over as soon as we merged. “If he asks, how can he make this right?”

  I shook my head. “He doesn’t have to do a thing for me.”

  “Cheyenne.”

  “No, Cut. Listen. It’s not me he’s wronged. Not in this situation. It’s you. He’s doing you wrong because you care, because you asked him, because he said he would be better. He didn’t do better, for you. You have to answer that, not me. I’m hurting for you, not for me. I’m never going to let them hurt me, so you need to understand that. I’m only hurting because they’re hurting you and in the process, they’re hurting Hunter.”

  “Jesus.” He shook his head. “When I think I’m starting to get you figured out, then you say things and I’m now looking back at myself and being humbled.”

  I grinned. “You’re good. It’s Chad and Deek who are the assholes.”

  He grinned back, there was still sorrow there.

  My heart ached, an invisible hand squeezing it together, but I couldn’t do anything there except have a word with Nut-Brother myself. But even then, Chad was going to do what Chad was going to do.

  “He’s hurt Sasha, too, by all this.”