by Chloe Walsh
“I know,” I replied with a sigh, as I allowed Cade to help me off his bike. “Can I hold your hand?”
Cade stared at me for a long moment before nodding slowly.
“Yeah,” he whispered, removing my helmet. “I’m never going to deny you, baby …”
“CADE!”
The sound of Cade’s name being screamed drew my attention to the opposite side of the parking lot. When I saw who was calling him, my heart sank into my stomach.
****
Cade
March 1st, 2006
“CADE!”
I knew something terrible had happened the second I laid eyes on Emily’s mascara-stained face as she ran towards me.
“What’s wrong?” I barely got the words out before Emily came barreling into my arms, wailing inconsolably.
“Emily?” I demanded, holding my hands away from her body.
I glanced quickly at Mackenzie who was observing the scene from a few feet away. She shook her head, at a loss.
“Dead,” Emily screamed, gasping for air. “All of them. Gone!”
Dead? Shaking my head in confusion, I tried to push Emily back so that I could look at her, but she wouldn’t budge. She just clung to me and screamed.
“Who’s dead?” I asked as calmly as I could. “Ems?”
“Her mother and little brother Leo,” Rita sobbed, as she hurried towards us. “There was a three- car collision on the motorway last night – just out of Preston. Marion was collecting Leo from basketball before collecting Emily and taking them both to the drop-off,” she added and Emily’s screams heightened. “They were killed instantly. I told her not to come to school – she's staying with me – but she wanted you, Cade.”
“I’m alone,” Emily screamed, drawing me back to the present. “I have nothing left, Cade – I tried calling you …”
“Jesus, I’m sorry,” I whispered, tightening my hold on Emily’s shaking frame. “Shhh …”
Reality hit me smack bang in the chest and shame crept through my body, seeping into my heart and my conscience. I had a girlfriend, a girlfriend who loved me – who fucking worshipped the ground I walked on. I’d cheated on her.
In that moment I tried to feel remorse, regret, but I couldn’t, because Kenzie got all my affection, attention and fucking love.
I’d never realized what those words meant until this moment, when I realized that the blonde hellion, who’d forced herself into my life all those years ago, held my heart.
I loved her whole-heartedly.
“I have no one left,” Emily wailed. “I should’ve been with them. I should be dead too.”
“You have Cade,” Rita added quickly, squeezing Emily’s shoulders. “She has you, doesn’t she, Cade?”
I froze.
What the hell was I supposed to do? Tell Emily I was breaking up with her? Right now? Jesus, no, I couldn’t do that to her. She’d just lost her mother and little brother. I couldn’t fucking do this.
Goddamn it to hell …
I’d never felt more torn than I did right now. Jesus, I had never felt more trapped.
Helpless.
I was tormented.
I was bound to Kenzie, but I had a duty to Emily. She was heartbroken. She had just lost her entire family. She was a goddamn mess and my heart went out to her. I knew how she was feeling. I’d felt it for three–and-a-half long years when Kenzie was taken away from me.
Fuck.
Locking eyes on Kenzie, I begged her with my eyes to understand why I had to do this.
This is only temporary, Kenz, baby …
“That’s right, Emily,” I forced myself to say, as I kept my eyes locked on Mackenzie’s face. “You have me. “I’m going to take care of you.”
“Mackenzie’s eyes filled with tears.
Her bottom lip wobbled, her shoulders slumped and that’s when I saw it – when I realized exactly what I’d done.
I’d broken my best friend.
I’d cracked her clean open.
****
Mackenzie
March 1st, 2006
“That’s right, Emily,” Cade crooned as he dropped a kiss to her head, eyes locked on my face. “You have me. I’m going to take care of you.”
Pain – agony – ripped through my heart, burning my skin, making it hard to breathe.
Turning in the opposite direction of the school, I took off running as fast as I possibly could.
That’s right, Emily. You have me …
The stars will have to wait. I need you on the ground with me …
That’s right Emily. You have me … I’m going to take care of you…
****
“Good morning, Mackenzie.” Dr. Rosetta’s middle-aged secretary, Gladys, greeted me with a tight-lipped smile when I burst into her reception area. “Can I help you?”
Closing the door behind me, I hurried across the room until I reached the secretary’s desk.
“I need to speak to Anna,” I managed to choke out.
I was trying really hard to keep my voice even, but it was a hard thing to do when the tears wouldn’t stop falling and catching in my throat. “Is she here?” I added through sobs.
“I’m afraid Dr. Rosetta is fully booked up today,” Gladys told me. Using her mouse, she scrolled through her computer for a moment, before saying, “She has a 10.30 am cancelation tomorrow morning; will I pencil you in for then?”
“What?” I shook my head, appalled, as I stared in horror at the secretary. “No, you don’t get it,” I hissed. “I need to see her now. Like right now! It’s an emergency—”
“Mackenzie – are you all right?”
I heard Anna’s voice behind me, and I sagged in relief. Turning around to face her, I shook my head slowly.
Anna’s brown eyes softened in concern. Without a word, she wrapped her arm around my shoulder and led me into her office – much to Gladys’ dismay.
“Hey,” Anna coaxed, as soon as she had closed her office door. Walking towards me, she held her arms out and encased me in a hug. “Shhh …”
“I want out,” I sobbed, hugging my therapist for dear life. “I can’t be here anymore … I’m over eighteen. I’m nearly nineteen. I don’t have to stay here if I don’t want to, do I?”
“No,” Anna said in an even tone. “You don’t, but, Mackenzie, you need to seriously think about what you’re saying …”
“I have.” Sniffling, I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and looked up at Anna. “I need a fresh start – away from here. Can you help me?”
“Mackenzie …”
“You’re the only person I trust now,” I told her. “Please, Anna, help me out of this. Give me a lifeline.”
“Mackenzie, calm down.”
“I’m reverting,” I admitted, ashamed and terrified. “His voice – Master’s – it’s trying to get back in here.” I thumped my palm against my temple. “I am going to revert to that thing I was in the nest … If I don’t get away from here, I’m going to lose myself permanently.”
“Why? What’s brought this on? Tell me how you’re feeling right this moment,” Anna demanded. “Get it out, Kenzie.”
“Angry,” I rasped, frantically pacing the room. “Broken. Lost. Betrayed. Fucking dying on the inside.”
I beat my hand against my chest and let out a strangled cry. “He was supposed to be MINE,” I screamed, becoming hysterical. “And she took him from me.”
“Cade?” Anna stated in a soft tone.
“He was mine, Anna,” I cried out hoarsely. “I need him – I NEED him, and she took him from me, Anna.”
“Okay,” Anna said, with steel in her voice. “You and I are going to sit down and make a plan.” Wrapping her arm around my shoulder, Anna led me over to her desk. “You have come too far – we have worked too damn hard to let all this progress go to waste.”
Taking the seat opposite me, Anna smiled and reached for my hand.
“I am going to help you, Mackenzie Moore, because you are to
o damn good to be left behind.”
Wiping a tear from her eye, Anna squeezed my hand. “Do you trust me, Kenzie? Do you believe me when I tell you that I’ll help you?”
I exhaled a deep shuddering breath before whispering, “I kind of have to believe you, Anna – you’re my only hope.”
“Oh, God, I’m probably breaking every rule in the book by telling you this,” Anna murmured almost guiltily. “But I’ve been where you are.”
My head jerked up.
“You were …?”
“Raped,” Anna offered and then nodded with tears in her eyes. “Yes, I was abused by my brother’s friend. It started when I was ten, continued until I was seventeen, and it very nearly killed me, Mackenzie.”
Pushing her chair back, Anna stood slowly and wandered over to the window. “So I do know what you mean when you tell me about his voice being inside your head. Because I still hear it too,” she added, with a shudder.
“How did you do it?”
Sniffling, I wiped my tears away with my hand. “How did you survive and make a success of your life?”
Anna gave me a watery smile. “I had a kick-ass therapist,” she said with a chuckle. “And I’m hoping I can do for you, what she did for me.”
****
Cade
April 5th, 2006
An entire month passed by without as much as a ‘good morning’ salutation from Mackenzie.
Four long weeks spent at Emily’s side, supporting her through her mother and brother’s funerals, helping her through the horror of her loss and grief – and biding my time.
Four weeks of having to watch the girl I loved from a distance; knowing that I’d hurt her, and unable to do a goddamn thing to fix it.
Music blared from her bedroom all day, every day, and most nights too. It pissed my mother off, but Mitch made her hold her tongue. Kenzie was his heart and soul, and her being alive and home meant the world to him. Some nights, I wondered if I sat down with Mitch and told him my true intentions, just how desperately I loved his daughter, would he give me his blessing? Would he understand? But then I thought of Emily, remembered her threats and those self-inflicted cuts and burns I’d seen on her thighs, and I pushed what I wanted to the back of my mind.
Emily wasn’t doing so well. She spent most of each day either crying or vomiting. Our phone call the night her family died hadn’t helped matters either. Emily knew I was going to break up with her. Deep down she knew that, and she was clinging to me now like a moth to a flame.
To make matters more complicated, Mackenzie’s mother had moved back to Preston with Emily’s father, Gabe. They returned to Preston to take care of Emily. I thought it was a pretty sick fucking joke considering Kenz had been missing for three goddamn years and Dee had never once shown her face, but then came running home to care for her boyfriend’s kid. But I held my tongue – I fucking had to for Emily’s sake.
Mackenzie had returned to school last month with all of us, but she was different now. Detached and isolated. She didn’t talk to any of her old friends. To be honest, Mackenzie didn’t talk to anyone, and most people were too nervous to approach her.
For the past month, I had to watch Mackenzie from a distance; fucking worship her from the sidelines, and it was crippling me. The only time I got to spend near her was in third period English where we had our seats assigned in alphabetical order. Other than that one class, Kenzie passed me like a ghost in the school hallways, threaded through the house like she walked on air, never looked in my direction, and it was breaking my heart …
“Cade, are you listening to me?”
No, not at all …
Reluctantly, I turned to face Emily and forced a smile I didn’t feel to spread over my lips.
“Sorry, Ems. What were you saying?”
With her blue eyes narrowed on my face, Emily let out a heavy sigh, before tucking herself close to me. “I was telling you about Dee,” she replied, as we walked down the school hallway. “I’ve been talking to her a lot, and she’s not as bad as what I was expecting.”
“What were you expecting?” I asked, only half-interested in Emily’s response. I had zero time for Dee Moore. I couldn’t care less about the woman, and listening to Emily rave on about Dee was not my idea of fun times.
“I don’t know, but for one she really loves my Dad,” Emily told me with a sniffle before adding, “And she’s nothing like Mackenzie – thank God for that – because—”
“Don’t,” I forced myself to say in a calm tone of voice, even though I felt anything but calm. “I know you’re hurting right now, but don’t talk shit about her, Ems. She doesn’t deserve it.”
Emily stopped dead in her tracks in the middle of the hallway. Tears filled her big, blue eyes.
“You still want her, don’t you? Is that why you haven’t slept with me?” she demanded. “Why you won’t you touch me? Because you want her?”
Shrugging uncomfortably, I didn’t have the energy left in me to deny it.
“I’m with you.”
“And how long will you be with me, Cade?” Emily demanded in a shrill tone before starting to cry. “Hmm?”
Stepping forward, she looked up at my face. “Another week? A month? Do you have a specific time frame?” Her blue eyes were full of pain, and I felt like a dick for hurting her. “Be straight, Cade, am I on borrowed time here?”
“For as long as you need,” I lied, wrapping my arm around her.
“For as long as I need?” Emily repeated in a flat tone as she glared up at my face. “Oh my God, you’re unbelievable …”
Her words trailed off the second Mackenzie walked passed by us with her headphones blaring, oblivious to the whole damn world around her.
Emily’s gaze followed Mackenzie until she went out of sight.
“What if I told you I’m going to need you permanently?” Reaching up, Emily cupped my cheek with her hand and whispered, “What if I told you that without you I wouldn’t have a reason to live – that I’d be better off dead – better off with my Mom and Leo?”
A cold sweat broke out on the back of my neck, causing every hair on my body to stand on edge.
“Is that what you’re saying to me?”
Nodding slowly, Emily pressed her lips to my cheek. “Yes Cade,” she told me, as tears trickled down her cheeks. “That’s what I’m saying.”
****
Mackenzie
April 5th, 2006
Apparently, I was still big news in Preston even though I had been back at school a month. The students at Preston High seemed enthralled with the notion that a whore was enrolled in their school – walking side-by-side with them in the hallways.
I had on a pair of denim shorts, a pink tank top and flip-flops – a similar ensemble to most of the female students due to the blistering April heat wave, but apparently my choice of clothes made me an even bigger whore.
What fucking ever…
I knew they called me a whore because it was written on my locker in blood-red nail polish on my first day back at school – and every day since, along with some newspaper clippings of the nest I was found in.
It should have hurt, but to be honest it didn’t, because I didn’t care. ’I didn’t give a flying fuck what the students at Preston High thought of me. They could think what they liked as much as they wanted. It was a free country. I didn’t care about any of it.
Not any more.
Blasting the volume on my iPod to the max, I let the sound of Linkin Park’s ‘Crawling’ flood my mind as I walked down the hallway of Preston High.
I hated every single moment I spent inside of the walls of this school. I’d only been back at school one day, but if I were to categorize the stages of my life into genres, I knew for sure high school would be my least favorite. Still, it was better than sitting at home and having Sharon stare at me like I was some dangerous parasite that she couldn’t bear to be around, yet had no choice but to put up with, because I was under the protection of my father.
Well, I had had enough of that.
I kept reminding myself that I only had little more than a month left in this hellhole. Anna had spent our last three therapy sessions assuring me of this. She had vowed to help me, and had found me a course focusing on counseling in this private college back home in Phoenix – one that accepted students based on relevant life experience and not solely on their GPA. She said all I had to do was complete the rest of this semester, do the best I could in my classes, and I would be free.
Walking over to my locker, I quickly stashed my books away and retrieved the ones I needed for the last three periods. I heard Cade coming down the hallway before I saw him, and my whole body began to tingle.
“… after football practice, we can grab a bite to eat …”
Clenching my eyes shut, I forced myself to breathe slowly and not feel anything.
Block it out.
Block it all out!
Cade hadn’t broken my heart. He hadn’t ripped my world to shreds and slit me apart in the cruelest way possible, and he hadn’t taken away my reason for breathing – not if I refused to believe it.
I didn’t cry myself to sleep because of him. I didn’t feel like dying because of his rejection and I didn’t fucking love him anymore.
I made the mistake of turning around just as Cade, Emily, Ezra and Rita were walking by and caught Cade checking out my ass.
His eyes trailed up my body slowly, and I knew what he was thinking.
He was hungry and I was dinner.
Leaning against my locker, I rocked my hips slightly, purposefully tormenting him. Why, I had no idea, but there was a primal instinct inside me that got off on arousing Cade. And those feelings that instinct permeated were addictive.