Heartfelt

by Lynn Crandall

  “You asked for it.” A sly grin slipped across his face.

  “Excuse me?”

  “When you set your intention on becoming seriously involved with a human, you opened up to accepting their ways and understanding them better. You needed to separate into two parts. One part a were-lynx, the other a human part. It was the only way you could imagine having a normal life, as you wanted, with a normal man.”

  Asia rolled her eyes. “You don’t always have to have solutions to every problem, you know.”

  He chuckled. “I know. But hear me out.”

  She gestured for him to continue. Admittedly, she was more than curious about his theory. It might explain her weird awareness the other day of feeling a film over her human perceptions and a vivid sense of everything as a were-lynx.

  “You can’t thrive living in two separated parts, Asia. You are a were-lynx, not a human.”

  “So you’re saying a human relationship is impossible? What about Casey and Michelle? They make it work.” He was making sense. A noticeable shift inside her helped her see his point.

  “They each accept who they are. Casey is a were-lynx seeking a relationship with a woman he loves. He’s accepted himself as one being with the needs and skills of a were-lynx and the nuances of who he is in totality. You can get serious about a human, but I believe you need to first accept all your parts and bring them together as one you. You are not, quote, normal.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

  “You deserved a chance to find out for yourself if Gavin was the one for you. Besides, you wouldn’t have accepted my theory until you were ready.”

  The concept rumbled around inside her, challenging her beliefs. “So I’ve been trying so hard for a normal life, I’ve repressed my natural interface with the world. Being a were-lynx and having that beautiful connection to everything is important to me. You’re probably right about this.” She pursed her lips. It was a lot to process on top of everything else.

  He grabbed her gaze. “But I was wrong about humans.”

  “What? Have you been paying attention? Humans run TNG. They’re doing unimaginable, horrifying things. It’s not the animals or were-cats holding guns and shooting people who can’t escape. It’s not animals who are making illegal and harmful drugs.” She stopped, the thoughts of it all stretching her heart to a breaking point. “It’s humans who are doing all that and more.”

  “I know. Human activity is hard to grasp. But it isn’t limited to inflicting pain and needless death.”

  “I don’t care anymore about the minor good in humans. It doesn’t balance out the bad humans do.”

  Conrad’s eyes glimmered. Asia could sense the emotions stirring inside him. “See, that’s what TNG wants you to feel. That there’s no good in humans and that you should give up on them. Don’t let them take away your spirit, your hope.”

  “Who are you, Buddha?”

  He chuckled. “No, far from it. I saw human kindness and vulnerability and compassion yesterday. You and I were facing many forms of danger and death. The humans, people who had been brutalized, drugged, then were about to be fed to wild animals, cared about our problems. They assisted us. Despite everything, they had spirit and strength. That is who humans are. I was wrong to believe otherwise. You said it before. You’ve said it to me many times. There are people who are mostly bad and there are people who are mostly good. I just didn’t get it before.”

  “So you’ve had a don’t-throw-out-the-baby-with-the-bathwater moment?”

  He slanted a grin at her. “That’s one way to put it.”

  Sunshine filled the sky now. Sounds of the day beginning filtered to her ears. “Could we walk?”

  Conrad stood and reached out to help her to her feet. “I would like that. Do you want to get dressed first?”

  “Oh, I forgot I’m still in my pajamas.” She looked out toward the landscape beyond her yard, then turned to the house, then squared Conrad. “No. Let’s just go.”

  His hand still holding hers, they walked out into the grassy field. The feel of the grasses against her feet sent sensations of pleasure and peace throughout her body. She breathed in the morning air, letting it cleanse her thoughts.

  The scent of Conrad, warm and musky, tempted her senses. The rift that had come between them when he proclaimed his hatred for humans seemed almost mended. She’d gone to that dark place where fear and hatred blackened reason and insight, just the place Conrad had been living in. Only this time Conrad had been the one to reject the concept of hatred of humans.

  He broke the silence. “I’m sorry for detaching the other day. I felt misunderstood and judged, the things my parents’ actions always triggered in me. Even now, I struggle to maintain my individuality and self-determination. Detaching has been a pattern of self-preservation.”

  “I understand. I think we’ve both gone to those places. It’s something that brought us together as friends and kept us together, as friends.”

  He stopped and stared down at her with those gorgeous honey brown eyes that pierced her heart. “We’ve always agreed we didn’t want to lose our friendship by falling in love. It scares me how close we came to that happening.”

  Conrad was right again. As his lover, Asia couldn’t tolerate his prejudice. She couldn’t trust her heart to him.

  “I know.” She couldn’t tell him that now that she’d shared the dark place with him, she understood they were not very different. It would lay her wide open and vulnerable.

  “And then with Shaun’s death, I saw up close how fleeting life is. I don’t want to let anything prevent me from being with you.”

  “Booker and Shaun never saw this coming. They expected to be together forever.” A lump in her throat made it difficult for Asia to talk.

  “Did I lose you?” His expression earnest, he took her to the same place of uncertainty. When he’d detached, she’d suffered the pain of losing him.

  “Let me admit something.” She put her hand on his chest, grasping at the feel of him for strength. “What happened with TNG made me drop into blind hatred. I got lost there, and you met me there, helping me find a better way. And just now, in this moment, I find you with me again in confusion and fear.”

  “Asia, what are you saying? Have I lost you?”

  “We have our differences. But we’re also very alike. I know that now. How could you lose me when I want you so much? We haven’t lost our friendship.” She stopped talking, holding her breath for a response.

  He grabbed her up close. “I have my best friend. But I’ve found my lover for life.” His lips came to hers, hard and intense. “I love you, Asia. My sweet, hardcore, delicious Asia.”

  “And I love you, Conrad. My crazy-making, sexy, strong Conrad.”

  He kissed her again, sliding his lips lazily over hers and pressing hers to open. His tongue darted in and languished, drawing her in to a mindless, fearless love.

  He pulled back, smiling dreamily at her. Thoughts of everything, her life with her mother, her work at the newspaper, her longtime friendship with Conrad and all that he’d suffered, her longing for a normal life, and the agony of yesterday’s confrontation with TNG, swirled around her. She hugged Conrad with a grip that melded her to him. They stood there among nature and lingered in the embrace.

  Moments passed, and finally she felt refilled. She let go and slanted a smile at him. “I think you’re right about another thing. We’re damned awesome.”

  His laughter filled the air and she savored his glee as if it were her own. “Yes, we are.”

  She looked in his eyes and knew the acknowledgment was bitter sweet. Life had been hard for both of them. They were awesome because they’d made it through the challenges, not because he was rich, the pure son of wealthy parents or because she was a good person.

  “Geez, life is so complex.” She grabbed him and hugged him again.

  “Yes, it is. And probably more than we know.”

  Asia, where are you? Asia?

/>   “Oh my God!” Asia jumped back. “I think my mother just called for me and I heard it as her thought.”

  “But she’s far away. Are you sure?”

  “I’ve heard things at a distance before, remember? We talked about that how thoughts are energy and distance could be irrelevant.”

  Conrad grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.”

  • • •

  Dressed in minutes and in Conrad’s Rover heading toward Casey’s house, Asia didn’t know what to think. The thoughts from her mother had been brief. Was she going to be too late getting to her mother’s side?

  Conrad ignored the speed limit and made the drive to Casey’s house brief. Vehicles in the driveway let her know the others were already gathered inside, but all she could think of was her mother.

  Inside the house, Asia breathed shallow, pensive breaths as she walked down the hall to the room where her mother was recuperating. She stepped into the bedroom and saw her mother still lying quietly in bed. She pulled up a chair and sat beside the bed.

  She knew Conrad had joined the others in the kitchen for breakfast. He would make sure no one interrupted her time with her mother.

  “Mom, I’m here.” She caressed her mother’s face. Her drinking and drug abuse plus her life on the streets wore on her skin. “It’s Asia.”

  Silence enveloped them. Asia tried to open a connection with her mother. She quieted her mind and waited for the rich sensations she’d experienced the last time she’d tried.

  She glanced around the room. Waiting was hard. She hadn’t seen Casey yet or Booker. Was Booker even here? she wondered.

  Wait a minute. Mine is not a quiet mind. The connection she’d had before with her mother was a subtle thing.

  She emptied her mind again and listened. And listened. Nothing.

  She checked her mother’s pulse. It seemed slow, but it was detectable. She checked her mother’s breathing. Shallow.

  Fear laced Asia’s determination to reach her mother. “Mom, this is Asia.” She caressed her mother’s face again, tears blurring her vision. She picked up her mother’s hand. “Mom, I love you.”

  Her mother’s eyes fluttered, then closed.

  “Mom, I’m here.”

  Her mother’s lips moved. Her eyes opened. Her lips moved again. Confusion colored her mother’s eyes. She cleared her throat. “Asia?” Her voice came out breathless and low.

  “Yes, Mom. I’m here.”

  Her eyes lit up. “Oh, Asia. You found me.” She spoke slowly, deliberately, taking a breath between words.

  “Yes, Mom. You’re here with me now. You’re safe.”

  Her mom’s eyes closed. She patted Asia’s hand. “I’m clean. I have been.”

  “That’s great, Mom. I know that’s a hard thing.” Asia guessed she heard her mom call to her because her mom was coming back. Her eyes softened looking at her face. “You look pretty, Mom.”

  Her mother stayed silent, just nodding her head.

  “Do you want to come home with me?” She shouldn’t rush things, she knew. Her mother had been sober and clean before. Many times. Conflicting feelings fluttered in her gut. She didn’t want her mother to die. No, no. But life had been tough. Tougher with every relapse. “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you,” her mother whispered. “I’m sorry, sweetie. You deserved better.”

  “It’s okay. Don’t think about anything now. Just rest and get better. Then we’ll go home.” Tears streamed down Asia’s cheeks. She couldn’t stop them. “Mom?”

  Her mother breathed in a shallow breath, then breathed out a shudder.

  “Mom? I love you.”

  Asia knew by her scent that Michelle had entered the room. She glanced at her and saw Michelle’s pained face. Of course. She was experiencing the emotions of this moment.

  “She’s made her decision, Asia.”

  “Mom?” Panic ignited in her chest. She’d prepared mentally for this moment for years. Never knowing if her mother would come home again, if her mother would survive her life.

  Funny, she still wasn’t ready. She wanted the good life with her mother that she’d always hoped for.

  But she wasn’t going to get it.

  “It’s a relief,” Michelle whispered, transfixed.

  Asia laid her head on her mother. She drew in her mother’s scent, let it drift around inside her, holding it like a precious thing.

  Her mother breathed out a raspy sigh. Asia held her breath, waiting.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Conrad shook Asia gently. “Asia, wake up, love.”

  Her head still lying on her mother’s chest, Asia looked at him and sat up.

  “Mom died.” Her voice was flat, matter-of-fact, as though a book had fallen off a table, nothing more. It scared him.

  “Come here,” he said. He held her close and love poured from his heart for her. “I’m sorry. How are you?”

  She moved away and glanced around the room, then down at her mother. “She woke up for a few minutes. We had a last moment. Sort of said goodbye.”

  He waited for her to continue.

  “It was her choice and I let her make it. I let her go.” Her eyes dipped. “I’m so grateful I had her in my life. Despite everything. She taught me things, and made me work on myself.”

  He nodded and placed a kiss to her forehead. The warmth of her skin grabbed his attention. She meant so much to him. It was hard to watch her hurt.

  Her face brightened. “And thanks to your suggestion, I got a chance to really see her. It was truly healing.”

  “Are you ready to see the others?”

  “Yup.” Her face fell. “Oh, there is a lot to talk about. How’s Booker? Where is Shaun’s body?”

  “Shaun’s body is here. Booker is not so good. I didn’t have the heart to ask him his opinion about your mother’s death. He’s not a doctor right now, he’s a grieving husband. He’s been spending time with Shaun. But Michelle has been working with him. And Lara has. She’s hoping her healing touch may ease his emotional pain, even though we all know he has to grieve. We all do. It’s been a very rough time for all of us.”

  “I imagine my mother was too frail to survive the ordeal she’d been through. She was only forty-four, but her lifestyle had weakened her.”

  “Right. Probably true.”

  “How is Casey doing?”

  Conrad rolled his eyes. “Casey is up and around. You know him, he’s fine. No apparent side effects from the sedative. He dodged a bullet, though. I’m so glad we got him out before he was implanted.”

  Conrad’s arm around her shoulders and her arm looped around his waist seemed to steady her.

  “Is that food I smell?” Asia’s eyes widened. “How long have I been lying in there?”

  “A few hours. Hungry?” He walked her to the dining area, joined by the four house cats, and nodded toward the table. Everyone, including the Aegar sisters and their husbands, was sitting at the table. Except for Michelle and Casey, who were carrying a large bowl of greens and vegetables, and a tray of grilled chicken and avocado sandwiches to the table.

  When Casey saw them enter the room, he stopped and walked directly to Asia. He pulled her away from Conrad and wrapped a hearty hug around her.

  “I’m sorry for your loss, Asia. I know you’ve always loved your mother. And she loved you.” He shook his head. “Death is such a hard thing.” He gestured to the table. “Grab some seats, you two.”

  Conrad and Asia took seats with Jackson on one side and Lara on the other. Conrad gazed at everyone around the table. Casey and Michelle sat with Booker between them. He exchanged a glance with Booker and he smiled at him. Booker was a strong were-lynx and he had regained some composure. But Conrad’s heart went out to him. The situation made him want to pull Asia close and never be apart from her again.

  Kennedy, in a chair on the other side of Casey, leaned against Asher. Sitting between her brother and her fiancé, she seemed pensive. The mark of what had transpired was on her, too.


  Only the sounds of utensils and chewing could be heard. Conrad realized he needed words of wisdom from the leader.

  “Casey, I’m very grateful that you are safe with us this afternoon. I’m sorry for what you went through. I don’t know about you guys, but I feel a bit lost,” he admitted. “Some of us have just suffered terrible losses. Asia’s mother is not with us and neither is Shaun. It hurts. ”

  Casey cleared his throat. “I’m glad to be here, too. I don’t want to think about what could have happened if I’d been implanted and turned into a killing machine.” He glanced at Michelle and she nodded. “These circumstances are not of our doing. Death and pain surrounds those of The Nexus Group. We’ve chosen to stop their evil doings and it’s taking a toll on our colony and our friends and family. I’m sorry tragedies have occurred.”

  He took a bite of his sandwich and chewed heartily.

  “It’s part of the path we’ve chosen,” Kennedy said. “When first we were thrust in the path of William Carter, we knew someone had to protect innocent people. We could and we did. But I told you when I first joined the colony, these people are brutal and they will not stop until they get what they want. Complete power and extreme wealth.”

  “You’re right,” Casey said. “But if we agree this work has to be done and we’re willing to do it, we won’t stop either. We have more to learn about these people and what they plan. If the military is truly involved, we need to learn what they know and what their plans are.”

  Asia spoke up. “Taylor, the soldier in charge, came across as an asshole. I don’t trust him. There hasn’t been anything in the news about what happened today, which is good for us, but strange.”

  “I agree. We’ll be careful when we investigate.” Casey, serious, rubbed his forehead as though troubled and weary.

  Conrad exchanged a glance with Asia and she nodded.

  “You may not know this, so much has been going on, but during the fight the were-lynx who murdered Shaun pulled us out of the ruckus. He revealed that he is Asia’s father. His said his name is Marcus.”

  “I vaguely remember some huge guy called me by name just before he stabbed me and injected me with the sedative.” Casey ran his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t recognize him. If we had our database we could find out who he is.”