Blackness Takes Over & Blackness Awaits

by Karlsson, Norma Jeanne

  “Four pounds seven and a half ounces, nineteen and a half inches long. He’s long and skinny,” Kel agrees.

  “Can I touch him?”

  “Yeah. You gotta do some serious scrubbin’ first,” Kel says pulling me away to a sink. After I scrub my skin like a surgeon prepping for the operation of a life time, I’m ready.

  “Just put your hand in the porthole. Don’t rub or stroke, it’ll over stimulate him. That’s what the nurse told me,” Kel offers his first daddy wisdom confidently. I open the porthole and gently lay my hand on his back, the softest skin I’ve ever felt. I lay my face against the incubator and peer down through tear filled eyes at my son. I feel it wash over me in this moment. He’s mine down to the depths of my soul. Kel’s arms snake around my waist and his face nuzzles into the side of my neck.

  “Jonathan David Kellerman,” Kel murmurs into my neck and a sob breaks free from my chest. Our fathers’ names. I let the tears stream as Kel holds me from behind kissing my hair. I’ve never shed tears filled with so much joy and love in my life, it’s cleansing. I don’t know how long we stand in our embrace but it’s long enough for Johnny to wake up. For the first time in my life since I went to live with Uncle Mick I feel panic race through my body. I have no fucking clue what to do. He’s wiggling beneath my hand and screeching like a kitten.

  “I don’t know what to do,” I whine the panic seeping through my voice.

  “Me neither,” Kel says with a concerned voice. “He’s just been asleep. Slept through the IV and everything else they did to him.”

  “Somebody’s awake,” coos a silver haired woman entering the room. Her face is soft and calm, thank God. “Little man’s got some lungs.” Kel and I back away from the incubator and watch her work. She drops open the side of the incubator, sticks a thermometer under his arm and checks the monitors. Once she has his temperature she weighs him (built-in scale in the incubator) then takes off his diaper and weighs him again (to see how much he peed she explains). Expertly wrapped back up in a diaper she turns to us with a kind smile.

  “My name’s Kate and I’ll be his nurse today. Does he have a name yet?” Kate addresses me sweetly gauging how freaked out I am.

  “Jonathan,” Kel responds with a huge grin squeezing me tightly. She nods and writes his name on a card on the end of his incubator.

  “Jonathan’s going to need to be supplemented his meals until he learns suck-swallow-breathe. I’m going to put a nasogastric tube down his nose into his stomach. He may fuss a bit but it doesn’t hurt,” Kate explains measuring out a tiny tube the length of his stomach to his nose. I sit in a chair and watch through partially finger covered eyes. He screeches and throws his hands up as she inserts the tube, my little fighter. Once the tube is in place and sticky puttied (that’s what it looks like) to his cheek, Kate puts him on his tummy and he curls into a tight ball again.

  “Have we decided if we’re breast or bottle feeding?” Kate asks closing the incubator.

  “Uh,” I say completely confused by her question. I must look like shit because clearly she thinks I just gave birth.

  “I explained our situation to Kate a few hours ago,” Kel says gently.

  “I’m even more confused now,” I say searching between the two of them for a clue.

  “I understand you’ll be adopting Jonathan and taking him home with you,” Kate leads. Wow I guess Kel hasn’t pulled any punches around here. I nod. “Women that adopt babies can breastfeed. We can get you set-up on a lactation induction protocol and see how you do. Until then if you’d like we can use donor milk to supplement his feedings. If you’re not comfortable with that we can try him on formula and move to bottle feedings. It’s really up to you.” I had no idea. I don’t know what to do.

  “What’s best for him?” I ask feeling like an idiot for not knowing.

  “Breast milk offers him the best nutrients and vitamins as well as helping to build his immune system. Being preterm those things are even more important. That said formula is a good alternative,” Kate informs me with her soft voice.

  “Sign me up for whatever I need to breastfeed,” I say emphatically. I have visions of being hooked up to a pump like a dairy cow for the next hours and days of my life.

  “All right. I’ll go call a lactation specialist to come down and visit with you. Would you like to supplement with donor milk until we see how you do?” I look to Kel for some help. I don’t know anything about donor milk. Is it like donor blood? “I have some pamphlets I’ll leave you and when I come back we can decide.” She hands us the pamphlets and leaves us to start making important decisions about our son’s life. I need a manual. Babies need to come with manuals!

  “What do you think?” I ask Kel thumbing through the pamphlet. He doesn’t respond so I look up at him. He’s gazing down at me with such love and adoration my breath hitches. “Kel.”

  “You’re a momma,” he says through a giant ear to ear smile.

  “A panicked clueless first time momma. Help me,” I urge pulling his arm to sit next to me.

  We read the pamphlets a few times in silence. It seems safe and like a good compromise until I can get my girls working. When Kate comes back we tell her to go ahead with the donor milk. I pull my chair over to the incubator and thread my hand through the porthole and place my hand on Johnny’s back again. He lets out the slightest sigh of contentment and I feel tears coming again. Maybe I’m getting sympathy hormones from all the women that are around here. I keep my shit together and sit with my son.

  “What happened Kel?” I ask in a whisper to not disturb Johnny.

  “I don’t have the full story yet, but I can tell you what I do know. Cassie went to another secret meeting for lunch…without her father. Her parents are in Europe, or were, they’re flying back now. Anyway, she came back from her meeting and about thirty minutes later she collapsed in pain and started bleedin’ like crazy. I rushed her here and that’s when I called you. They thought she had something wrong with her placenta but couldn’t tell. They couldn’t get her stabilized and the baby was in distress so they took her for an emergency c-section. I wasn’t in there it was so rushed. I thought I was gonna lose him. A few minutes later the NICU team came out of the room with him in the incubator and we came here. Cassie didn’t make it,” Kel explains softly stroking my hand. “She had cocaine in her system.”

  “WHAT?!” I hiss under my breath. Oh if this baby didn’t need me to be calm right now. “Is he okay? What does that mean for him? That fucking BITCH!” I know, don’t speak ill of the dead…fuck that!

  “He’s not havin’ withdrawals and his tox-screen was clean. She must have just used today. That’s what the doctors think at least,” Kel whispers trying to keep me calm. How could she do that?! I take a few calming breaths and focus back on Johnny. I’ll keep him safe now. If it kills me, I’ll keep him safe.

  “All right. I’ll get this feeding set up and you can do some kangaroo care,” Kate says walking to the incubator and dropping the side I just pulled my hand from.

  “What’s kangaroo care?” I ask yet again feeling stupid.

  “Skin to skin holding. I’ll have you take off your shirt and bra and put Jonathan on your chest while he gets his feeding. It’s great for bonding, helps guard against serious illness and helps with development.”

  “Okay,” I say excitedly. I get to hold him! I quickly disrobe slinging Kel’s pendant around to the back as Kate hands me a hospital gown. I hold it to my front until she lifts Johnny and places him on my chest. I quickly cover us with two warm blankets and the gown, I fucking melt. I’m a puddle of love. I look over at Kel who is beaming brighter than the sun. He pulls his phone out and starts taking picture after picture. I close my eyes and relax fully for the first time in my life. Nothing will ever compare to this feeling.

  “I love you, Johnny,” I murmur into his fuzzy head. He wiggles further into my body and settles. Kate sets a syringe filled with milk in a pump thing and hooks Johnny’s NG tube up. Dinner time
.

  “Now. You two have a large rowdy bunch out in the waiting area. There are only supposed to be two people in here at a time but considering your situation I’ve cleared in with the charge nurse to let the group back. If it gets to be too much for Jonathan or the other patients they’ll have to go. Is that all right?” Kate asks, knowing she doesn’t need too. I nod like a maniac.

  “Get ready to meet your family, bud,” Kel says placing his rough hand over Johnny’s butt.

  A few minutes later the door opens and in they file: my nine brothers, three fathers, two mothers, Nicky, Rodger, Thomas and Karl. Don’t know when or how they all got here, but I couldn’t be happier. I have also never heard this group be this silent. Not a peep even from Maggie and Mary who are streaming tears. One by one they all scrub their hands carefully watched by Doc and Aidan. Kel stands up and starts the longest round of hugs known to man. Now they stand in a semi-circle around me and my son staring at us like a treasure has been unveiled.

  “Jonathan David Kellerman,” I softly introduce. Audible breaths are sucked in around the room and Mary releases a sob quieting it with her hand over her mouth. Johnny wiggles but stays asleep. His little head peeks out from beneath our blankets and hospital gown. I rest my lips on his fuzz and take in the murmurs and whispers in the room. Pop crouches next to us gazing at his first grandchild. He looks up at me with glistening eyes, “Best moment of my life, Kid,” he whispers. He pushes a kiss into my cheek and lightly presses his hand onto Johnny’s head. And so begins a trend of crouch, talk, kiss and touch.

  “My daughter’s a momma, perfect,” Pappy says.

  “Most beautiful sight these eyes have ever seen,” Doc says.

  “Best day ever,” Ryan says.

  “I wish Mom could see this,” Adam says.

  “You’re a natural,” Hugh says.

  “You two are perfection,” Collin says.

  “Best I’ve ever seen you look,” Finn says.

  “Proud of you,” Rodger says.

  “Stunnin’,” Thomas says making Johnny jump. I press my lips to his head and he immediately settles.

  “This is where you’re meant to be,” Karl says.

  “I will never forget this picture as long as I live. You two are magic,” Maggie says.

  “He’s everything you deserve in life,” Mary says.

  “Everything I ever mourned that I thought you had lost the last twenty-two years, you now have,” Nicky says.

  “You are unconditional love personified,” Aidan says.

  I don’t cry. I take in every word and let them strengthen my soul. I have more love and support in my life than any one person deserves and I cherish each morsel. After all of the affection everyone clears out of the room promising to be back tomorrow in smaller groups. My boys stay. Kavy pulls up a chair next to me, and as carefully as he ever has, sits down never taking his eyes off Johnny. He gingerly places a hand on Johnny’s butt shuddering at the feel. After a few moments he drags his gaze to mine, his blue-grey eyes glistening.

  “I didn’t know I could love you more than I already do,” Kavy admits softly. He pushes his face into my neck and we sit that way for a long silent spell. Kavy leaves his mitt on the baby’s butt and places his other hand between the chair and the small of my back.

  Sully pulls a chair in front of me, his knee pressing mine. He stares into my face before reaching a tentative hand toward Johnny. Sully pushes under Kavy’s hand and gets Johnny’s tiny foot between his forefinger and thumb, marveling at its size. He rests his other hand on my thigh before he speaks, chocolate eyes beaming love.

  “I’m not gonna cry,” Sully forces out, choked with emotion. “But I’m honored to share this moment in your life.”

  Cally pulls a chair next to Sully, his knee brushing mine that Sully isn’t occupying. He stares at me with his bright twinkling blue eyes without words, communicating everything that could be said. He turns his gaze to Johnny and his breath hitches. He takes hold of Johnny’s other foot similarly to Sully.

  “I love you,” Cally whispers to Johnny and rests his other hand on my thigh.

  Kel resumes his seat next to me eyeing the men surrounding his son and his girlfriend. He leans over and brushes Johnny’s head with his lips and places his rough calloused hand over the fuzzy spot he just kissed. Kel reaches under the hospital gown and intertwines our fingers before pressing a kiss to my cheek.

  “Welcome to the family, Johnny,” I coo. And we sit enveloped by the love that has protected me for the last thirteen years. I’m happy.

  Kellerman

  I am in awe. Kid became a mother with the touch of her hand to our son’s back. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. Now she looks like a dairy cow. They have her hooked to breast pumps, taking medication and drinking weird herbal concoctions to get her producing milk. This is strange and cool as shit all at the same time. She’s determined for this to work and as of this morning she’s already got drops coming which the specialist says is unprecedented. That’s Kid, making the unreal real.

  We have a sleeping room here at the hospital to be close to Johnny. Kid was up every two hours pumping like a machine last night. When she was in bed I held her so tightly to my chest I’m sure she couldn’t sleep, but having her with me I can’t have any space between us. I don’t know that I’ll ever let her out of my sight again.

  “We’re going to try to get him to latch on this feeding,” Kate says.

  “We are?” Kid asks shocked and excited.

  “Yes. We’ll still give him the supplement when he’s done, but it’s time to start teaching him to nurse.”

  Kid looks at me with her eyes bugged out. My girl that doesn’t panic has been the cutest mess since the first peep our son made. I’m not much better, but she’s way cuter. Johnny’s been asleep on her bare chest most of the morning. She doesn’t put him down unless the staff needs to do something to him. I haven’t held him yet, I’m letting her get her fill.

  “Dad you wanna hold him while I get Momma set up here?” Kate asks casually. Now I’m panicked and bugging out. Kid turns her gaze to me and realizes for the first time I haven’t held him yet.

  “You haven’t held him yet?” Kid whispers in a guilt-filled tone.

  “I wanted you to do it first. You’re kind of a baby hog,” I joke. She giggles softly.

  “You shoulda said something Kel. I figured you held him before I got here.”

  I shake my head no as the door to our room opens and Maggie and Mary walk in.

  “Good morning,” they whisper in unison beaming equally bright.

  “Morning,” Kid shines back.

  “All right Daddy,” Kate says and hands Johnny to me. He fits easily in my hand, one hand. His dark blue eyes open and he gazes at me with a question lurking in them. “Where’s my momma?” I smile down into his face.

  “I know I’m second best bud. You got boobs comin’,” I explain in a soft voice. Probably not the best first conversation to have with my son, but I’m learning. Kid rests her hand on my thigh, thumbs the pendant I gave her (which makes me beam) and sighs a contented breath. Mary sniffles and Maggie clears her throat, those two and their crying. I lean down and place a gentle kiss to his forehead before Kate takes him back to Kid. Kid cradles him across her chest and my little man devours her nipple. Like father, like son. No help needed from Kate, Kid’s a pro. We all listen and watch as he suckles away. Kid’s glowing.

  “This hurts so bad,” Kid says in the happiest voice ever, making me chuckle. Johnny’s legs shoot out in a startle. Kid turns and glares at me before going soft.

  “I’ll leave you to it. Leave him on for at least twenty minutes. I’ll come back and start the feeding then,” Kate says leaving the room.

  Mary and Maggie take the chairs on the other side of Kid and watch their daughter being a mother with pride.

  “How’s the milk induction goin’?” Maggie asks.

  “Kid’s doin’ great. Got a few drops this mornin
g,” I explain because Kid’s in a daze.

  “She sleep at all?” Mary asks.

  “She was up pumpin’ every two hours. The nurses told her she didn’t have to but you know Kid.”

  “I’m sittin’ right here,” Kid chides. We all snicker.

  “Everyone’s gonna stay through the weekend. Mary and I’ll stay until you can take Johnny home,” Maggie explains.

  “Thank you guys. It’ll be nice to have the help,” Kid says softly.

  “We’d like to come home with you too. Stay for a few weeks until you’re settled. If you’d like?” Mary says softly brushing her hand across Kid’s cheek.

  “Yes. God I don’t know what I’m doin’. I need you two,” Kid accepts gleefully.

  “You may think you don’t know what you’re doin’, but you are a star,” Maggie says full of pride.

  Johnny takes a long pull, swallows and gasps. We all freeze watching for I don’t know what.

  “He just got some milk,” Maggie says excitedly silently clapping her hands. “He’ll be goin’ home in no time.”

  “They said he could be here a few weeks,” Kid replies.

  “We read all about it last night. He needs to be eating on his own, gaining weight, maintaining his temperature, you two have to take a CPR class and he has to pass a car seat test,” Mary explains.

  “That’s a lot of stuff. Could take a while,” I say thinking we’re a long way off on some of those points.

  “He’ll fly through. He’s your son, a fighter,” Maggie says to us confidently. “Karl brought all of the essentials with him on his flight, the car seat, stroller and some clothes. Johnny’s too small for those clothes so we started shoppin’ online last night for preemie clothes. Wait ’til you see the things we bought.”

  “Ma you didn’t have to do that,” Kid says appreciatively.

  “He’s my grandson. I’ll buy him as much as I want. The spoiling has begun.”

  “I second that,” Mary chimes in.

  “Kavy thinks I’m gonna put him in ballet,” Kid says with a smile.