The Cirque

by Ryann Kerekes

  She was quiet while she considered how to answer. “He has a rocky past.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It’s probably better if you don’t know.”

  I laughed dryly, trying to brush away my nerves. “Well, I do have to work with him, so don’t you think I should know if he accidently killed the last target girl?”

  “No,” she said firmly, the look on her face grim.

  What the hell? There were so many more questions I wanted to ask, but maybe Sasha was right. Maybe I couldn’t handle the truth.

  After a few minutes’ rest, Sasha got up and performed for me again. I sat there mesmerized by what she did with two simple bands of fabric.

  Since it was to be our first show in front of a live audience that night, I thought I should find Gabriel to make sure we were all set for our big debut. I didn’t see him all day, and when it came time for an early dinner before the seven o’clock show, I found him sitting in the cafeteria with his nose in a book. He was tapping his foot under the table, causing his knee to jump. There were a half dozen paper cups littering the table in front of him.

  “How many cups of coffee have you had?” I picked up one of the empty cups in front of him.

  “Not sure,” he said, without looking up.

  “What the hell, Gabriel?”

  He set the book down calmly in front of him and looked up at me.

  “What seems to be the problem?” he asked, sweetly. Too sweet. He was being sarcastic.

  “I looked for you all day to make sure we were ready for tonight and here you are overdosing on caffeine. You’re all twitchy.” I threw my hands up in the air.

  He smirked. “I’m fine, Ari. You worry too much. I told you I wouldn’t hit you as long as you’re still.” The lack of concern in his voice was unsettling.

  I tried and failed to push Sasha’s warning about his past from my mind. What was he trying to hide? “Yeah? And what if I panic in front of the crowd? Did it ever occur to you that maybe we should’ve practiced together more? That I don’t have any idea what I’m doing?”

  “You’ll be fine. Just stand there,” he said condescendingly, and picked up his book again.

  I snatched it from his hands and set off for my trailer.

  “Hey!” he called after me. He followed behind me but I didn’t slow down.

  I walked with purpose, clutching the book in my hands. I looked down at the cover. It was a classic romance novel I’d read many times. But what was he doing reading it? He did his best to come across as cold and emotionless, but clearly something deeper was lurking under that façade. I had half a mind to ruin the ending for him, but continued clutching it tightly as a quickened my pace.

  When I reached the trailer, Sasha was standing outside smoking. She was dressed in her costume with a big-hooded sweatshirt thrown on over it. She saw the look on my face and then glanced back at Gabriel following after me. “Lover’s quarrel?” she asked, chuckling.

  I stormed past her and went inside. I didn’t bother closing the door, knowing Gabriel would just follow me in. He’d never been in my trailer before, but he entered without hesitating, needing to duck under the door frame.

  I turned to face him and thrust the book into his chest. When he took it, his hands covered mine, holding them for a second longer than necessary. He cocked his head, looking at me like he was trying to solve a puzzle.

  “Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to be part of your little act? That I’m a professional dancer and probably have better things to do?” I said, knowing it wasn’t even remotely true.

  “Why are you blaming this on me? Del stuck us together. I’m just doing my job.”

  I knew they shouldn’t, but his words stung. I wasn’t sure why, but I wanted him to feel something more for me, and when he didn’t, I felt rejected. “Will you just be honest with me?” I asked.

  “I’ll never lie to you,” he said, looking in my eyes. It was more of an assurance than I expected and it surprised me.

  My tone softened. “Well, if we’re going to work together, I don’t understand why we can’t at least be friends.”

  “That’s what you want?” He tilted his head to the side and studied me with one of his crooked smiles that made my mouth water. Damn him. Why did he have this effect on me? Was I so starved for male attention that I mistook the energy in our performance for chemistry?

  He looked at me questioningly.

  I’d already said too much and I bit my lip, waiting for him to respond.

  But Gabriel was still and silent, watching me again with those gorgeous blue eyes that saw more than I wanted him to.

  “They don’t end up together, you know?”

  He nodded, looking down at the book in his hands. “I’ve read it before. I like the ending.”

  “That’s a horrible ending. How could you like that ending?”

  “Because, it’s real life, Ariel. The guy doesn’t always get the girl.”

  I wanted to tell him he was wrong, that he didn’t know what he was saying, but the words died on my tongue.

  Gabriel reached for the dress laid on my bed and handed it to me. “You need to get changed.” He placed the dress in my hands, turned and left, and I stood there, staring at the open doorway, wondering what had just happened.

  ***

  The nervous energy of opening night was contagious. Performers paced backstage. Some stretched while others sat around smoking and talking. I sat next to Gabriel while he continued to read his romance novel. I looked at him and rolled my eyes. Why was he still reading it if he knew how badly it ended? I distinctly remember it being one of the few books I’d thrown across the room when I’d finished.

  Tanner found me and squeezed my hands. “I’m so excited for you!”

  I wondered if he’d seen the dress rehearsal. I’d literally just stood there…and it only lasted six minutes. But Tanner was sweet; I decided not to snap at him.

  Tanner continued making his rounds dusting more powder and touching up faces as he worked his way through the crowd of performers.

  I watched the show from backstage. Gabriel and I were a warm-up act after the intermission, so we had plenty of time. He continued reading at a steady pace next to me, never once looking up to see the show. When the music changed and signaled the intermission, Gabriel folded over a corner of the page he’d been reading and set his book down. He stood and began stretching his arms and hands. He picked up a knife and went to stand in front of his warm-up target. He grasped the blade between his thumb and index finger and swiftly released it. It flew, spinning toward the target and stuck down low, lower than I knew he intended. I made a face and he looked back at me.

  “Good thing I’m warming up.” He attempted a smile.

  “We go on in less than fifteen minutes.” I didn’t even know why I bothered with him. He couldn’t be convinced to do anything he didn’t want to. He practiced a little more, but I decided it was better not to watch. I went to find Tanner, hoping he could distract me with more lip gloss.

  When I got back Gabriel stood beside the opening of the curtains holding all his knives. For some reason the glint of the cold steel and coolness of his eyes always made me jittery.

  “The good news is I’m all warmed up,” he said, still staring out at the audience. I didn’t even respond.

  When it was time, he once again took my hand, which I now knew he did just for show, and then he led me out to center stage. The crowd peered at us – the devil in all black, wielding his knives and the pink-cheeked angel in all white, too numb to feel terrified. I saw the amazing wings painted on the board, and went to the target and positioned myself just right to give the impression of a winged angel and then pressed my back against it. I just wanted to get this over with. Beneath my calm, composed exterior, I was just as nervous as I’d been for my first dance recitals – my agitation feeding off the excited buzz under the big top.

  The music slowed and became dramatic and
the lights dimmed, illuminating only Gabriel and me with spotlights. A hushed silence fell over the audience. I could smell popcorn and from out in the ring, I heard the collective intake of breath as Gabriel produced his knives.

  The crowd staring at us should have overwhelmed me, but I’d performed my entire life, so that wasn’t what bothered me. It was Gabriel’s refusal to meet my eyes this time. He needed me directly in his sights, so I couldn’t understand why he hesitated. I watched his hands, checking for signs of the lingering tremble I’d spotted earlier. They were steady. I took one last look at the concentration on his face and closed my eyes.

  I wasn’t sure when he released the first blade but I felt the air rush past my face and heard the knife pierce the target, only inches from me. I inhaled sharply. Yep, it was definitely better to keep my eyes open, so at least I knew when it was coming. I wondered if something troubled him, or if his new look of despondence was all part of the show – he was supposed to seem cold and calculating and he was. It sent a chill skittering down my spine.

  Somehow, it was over a few minutes later and Gabriel fetched me from my spot and looped his arm through mine to haul me to center stage to bow for the applause. I hadn’t even heard them clapping, but when I looked up and saw everyone cheering for us, I smiled stupidly and curtsied.

  Everyone was in a cheery mood after the final applause, and the whole cast gathered together on the stage for a standing ovation. The performers hugged each other, cheering just as loudly as the audience when each act stepped forward into the spotlight. They behaved nothing like the cold, competitive pack of ballet dancers that would show you up and rip your throat out every chance they got.

  When Gabriel and I stepped forward, the roar from the crowd overwhelmed me. I glanced over to Gabriel. He was watching me, his face calm and composed, but there was a look of wonder in his eyes. My heart jumped in my chest, and for the first time since I joined the show, I actually felt pride in my performance, and as if Gabriel appreciated me as a performer. My stomach turned a flip. I hated how hot and cold he could make me feel.

  After the bows I headed backstage with Gabriel to find Sasha and Tanner while other performers bustled around us in various stages of undress, removing costumes with little modesty.

  Dmitri walked up and snaked his arm around my waist, pulling me away from Gabriel just a fraction. “Hey,” he said softly, his accent rolling over me.

  I knew my friends weren’t fond of Dmitri and it felt strange to have him touch me in their presence. “Hi.”

  “Come by after you change,” Dmitri said, speaking low and intimate near my ear.

  “Another party tonight?” I asked.

  “Just a get-together. You’ll come, right?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll see you later.”

  Dmitri smiled his big, white grin at me then released me and walked away.

  Once Dmitri was gone, Gabriel shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair, disheveling it further. “He’s like a dog marking his territory with you. It’s kind of disgusting.”

  “What is it between you two?” I asked.

  Gabriel lifted his hand and held his pinky finger straight out.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” My eyes questioned him. I wasn’t sure what he was trying to say.

  Gabriel lowered his finger, but kept his mouth shut. He clearly wasn’t going to explain it to me.

  Tanner stepped in closer and leaned toward my ear. “Small dick syndrome,” he said, his voice uncharacteristically professional.

  The meaning of Gabriel’s pinky hit me like a smack to the face. My cheeks burned red and I looked down. Tanner mistook my silence for lack of understanding. “It means, innocent one, that Dmitri’s got a small––”

  “I got it!” I shouted. Oh God. I didn’t look up at Gabriel, but I knew that cocky half grin would be lifting one corner of his mouth. Why would he assume that Dmitri was small in that department…unless he was just that confident about himself? My face burned an even deeper shade of magenta. Kill me now.

  “Thanks for the anatomy lesson, Tanner, but I only meant that I’m taller than Dmitri,” Gabriel explained in a gentlemanly fashion.

  Sasha let out a huff. “Yeah right that’s what you meant,” she chuckled. Sasha’s knowing laughter did nothing to ease my nerves. What did she know on this subject? And who exactly did she know about, Dmitri or Gabriel?

  Gabriel was standing too close, still staring at me, still wearing that damn crooked smile across his lips. His very kissable lips. Thinking of no good way to recover, I realized my only option was to flee the scene as quickly as possible. I turned to leave and as I stormed away, I heard Tanner calling after me. “Don’t forget your tweezers! Or your magnifying glass!”

  ***

  After changing into a pair of jeans and a couple of layered tank tops, I stepped outside and hurried down the steps, headed to trailer seven.

  And slammed right into a solid chest.

  Gabriel was standing outside my door.

  “Hi.” I stepped back, rubbing my forehead. His lips pressed together, holding in a laugh, but he didn’t budge from his spot at the bottom of my steps. “Did you…need something?”

  “Are you headed to Ivanoff’s party?” he asked.

  It felt like a trick question, since he already knew I was going there. “Yeah.”

  “I thought I’d join you,” he said with a bland expression.

  “I thought we weren’t friends – that we just work together, remember?” I placed my hands on my hips.

  “Well, you’re my partner, and if you insist on making poor decisions, it’s my job to look after you.” He set off walking and I hurried to keep up with him.

  Once again I heard the music before we reached the door. Gabriel unlatched it and signaled for me to go ahead. The scene was much the same as last time. Dmitri greeted me with a hug, then narrowed his eyes and gave a stiff nod to Gabriel. He was pouring shots in the kitchen and when he handed me one, I downed it without a second thought. I was determined to have a good time and show Gabriel what normal people did to have fun. I stood next to Dmitri, sipping a drink, watching a group of girls dance in the crowded living room.

  Gabriel stood directly across from me. Though I tried not to look at him, each time I did, I saw he was focused only on me. It felt like too much, being in a room full of people and having captured his attention so completely. It overwhelmed me. I didn’t know where to look, how to stand, and my pulse jumped erratically. Instead of trying to understand Gabriel’s changing demeanor, I focused on my drink.

  Without even realizing it, I had unintentionally turned this into a game. I was using Dmitri’s attention to spark a reaction in Gabriel. Only now that it was playing out in front of me, I still had no idea how to get what I wanted and only the faintest idea about what that was, but I knew it involved getting to know the real Gabriel better.

  Dmitri sat down on the arm of a chair and pulled me into his lap. He lifted my chin with two fingers and looked into my eyes. I knew he wanted to kiss me. He brushed his thumb across my cheek. Instead of being focused on Dmitri, I had the urge to look over and measure Gabriel’s reaction. I wondered if kissing Dmitri would make Gabriel jealous. I also knew that probably made me a bitch, but as Dmitri leaned toward me with his eyes falling closed, I leaned toward him and pressed my lips to his. It felt sexy and electrifying to have Gabriel standing across the room watching me kiss someone else.

  When the kiss ended, I looked up to check Gabriel’s reaction. He was already across the room, walking out the door.

  Shit!

  I didn’t know how I could feel crushed about Gabriel’s rejection, since I chose to be here with Dmitri. But I did.

  Later I found myself in Dmitri’s room again, and though he said we could talk in a quieter place, he wasted no time settling us on his bed and kissing me. Things were going a little too fast for me, even though I was determined to loosen up and have fun. Dmitri’s fingers were fumbling for the
button on my jeans and my stomach did a little flip. He was much too smooth at this, like he’d been in this position many times before.

  “Hold up,” I said, pulling away from his kisses.

  He whispered something in Russian in my ear, and though I had no idea what he said, it was almost enough to change my mind.

  “We barely even know each other,” I managed. I pushed his shoulders back a bit to clear my head.

  He took a deep breath and exhaled. “You really are trouble,” he said. He sat up next to me on the bed.

  “I’m sorry, I just don’t think I’m ready for all this.” I looked down. Even though I had been determined to make my own choices, and do something that was completely out of character, I knew being with Dmitri like this wasn’t the way to do that. Plus it probably wasn’t normal that ninety percent of my brain was consumed by thoughts of Gabriel, even while I was with Dmitri on his bed. “Should we talk, or something?”

  He ran his hands through his hair. “Okay, let’s talk,” he said with fake enthusiasm. I resented his tone but let it pass. “Why’d Gabriel come with you tonight?” he asked, like he suddenly remembered.

  “I’m really not sure. What do you know about him anyway?”

  “I know he’s a freak. Likes knives a little too much.” His dark eyes glinted with curiosity.

  “No, I mean do you know anything about his background? Like how long he’s been here?”

  “I don’t know if I should tell you this, seeing how you have to work with him.”

  I slugged his shoulder. “Tell me.”

  He rubbed his shoulder, considering my request. He looked at me intently and leaned forward. “He’s supposedly on the run from the police. A detective came poking around last year in Memphis and Del covered for him.”

  “On the run from what?” I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  His voice was low and steady, “Murdering his stepdad, I heard.”

  A chill ran through me and I hugged my knees to my chest. “That can’t be.”

  “You gotta admit he’s damn good with knives.” Dmitri shook his head.