The Cirque

by Ryann Kerekes

  “That doesn’t prove he murdered somebody.”

  “He’s creepy as hell. All those tattoos. He barely talks. There’s definitely something not right about him.”

  I tried to shake it off, but in the back of my mind, I didn’t know what to believe. I had nothing to defend Gabriel with, even though I wanted to.

  “A lot of people here aren’t what they seem,” he said.

  “What about you? What are you running from?” I poked him in the chest. As eager as I’d been to learn about Gabriel, now I couldn’t get off the topic fast enough.

  “I told you. I got injured and my gymnastics career was over. My family’s still in Russia, but there’s nothing for me there. I guess I don’t have a lot of choices. This is all I know how to do.”

  I could relate to that – ballet had been my life, and when that ended, didn’t I do the same thing and run away?

  “Is that enough talking for you?” Dmitri pushed me back against his pillow.

  I smiled at his attempt to satisfy my curiosities but managed to pull myself back up to a sitting position. “Yeah, but I gotta get going.”

  He groaned.

  “Goodnight,” I said.

  I almost expected to find Gabriel outside waiting for me, and didn’t know what I would say if I ran into him out there in the darkness, but all was quiet as I walked back.

  Chapter 7

  I wove through the trailers on my way to breakfast and overheard Gabriel arguing with Del when I passed by Del’s trailer. I wondered if it was about our act. As much as I hated being a target girl, my stomach dropped even further at the thought of getting cut and having to return to New York. I knew I was just starting to find my place in this odd cast of characters. I felt like I belonged here more than I had at the ballet company, though I had spent the better part of my life there.

  Gabriel came out but didn’t make eye contact with me.

  “What was that about?”

  “He wants us to spice up our act,” he said walking past me.

  I hurried to keep up. “Spice it up? Like how?”

  “He wants me blindfolded.” He glanced over at me. What Dmitri told me last night came rushing back, that Gabriel was known to be on the run for murder. His black eyelashes rimming his icy eyes stunned me momentarily. “I told him no, don’t worry. I don’t trust myself that much.”

  “So then what are we going to do to spice it up?”

  “Let’s try something,” he said.

  I didn’t like the sound of that.

  He led me to the small room where he practiced. His knives lay across the table, along with an ax. His cool fingers delicately curled around my upper arms and he walked me backward until I was up against the board. “Can you do a backbend?” he asked, concentrating on me. I noticed that he hadn’t yet let go of my arms and when I looked down at his grip with raised brow, he quickly dropped his hands and held them by his sides, his fists clenched tight.

  “Of course.”

  “Wait here.”

  He returned with a marker and had me do a backbend while he traced my profile on the practice target. His hand slid across my hips, stomach, moving up to my ribs while I held my breath. I felt his hand tremble just as he was finishing the line near my neck.

  We stepped back and looked at the line. It arched back in a semi-circle. I moved out of the way and he practiced throwing, keeping the knives just above the line on top and below the one below. I was kind of surprised he hadn’t made me try it, knowing his disdain for anything related to practice or warming up before doing something dangerous.

  “Can we eat now?” I amazed myself at how I could sound so uninterested in my own demise.

  He shook his head and chuckled. “Sure.”

  I loaded up my tray with my usual, and headed to sit with Sasha and Gabriel. Gabriel sat drinking coffee while repeatedly poking an overripe banana with his index finger. Sasha was quiet and guarded. I knew she wasn’t happy about seeing me with Dmitri, but she held her tongue. I knew she didn’t want to see me get hurt. I had no intention of that happening either, so we were covered.

  I slid the banana away from Gabriel slowly. I couldn’t stand to see it tortured anymore. He looked up like I’d startled some private thought. “Should we go practice some more?” I asked.

  He got up without saying anything and I followed him back to the practice room. Even though our stunt was more dangerous, I was glad we were actually spending time practicing together. After a few rounds of him throwing at the traced line with perfect aim we decided it was time to try it with me in front of it. I bent my body back completely into a backbend. The knives started at my legs and he worked his way higher with each throw. I felt them whizzing past me, as they contoured my thighs, hips, stomach, chest and his final blade pierced the target board just inches above my throat.

  “How do you not flinch?” he asked, pulling me up to standing. Once again his hands lingered, this time on my waist. After a moment, he dropped them almost reluctantly and stepped back.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know.” I knew on some level, I trusted him much more than I let on.

  ***

  The show went off without a hitch that night, and I started to understand why Gabriel sat reading rather than watching it. It got pretty repetitive – night after night, the same thing. I knew by the music which group was performing. I still loved watching Sasha perform though.

  After our performance, where we flawlessly executed our new back-bend routine, Del came up and hugged me. “Not a bad target girl, is she?” He nudged Gabriel in the ribs.

  I didn’t like my title; it sounded derogatory the way Del said it. I was used to performing in my own right, not being some useless assistant. Del left after getting little response out of Gabriel or me.

  I started to walk away but felt Gabriel’s cool fingers around my elbow. “Hey, don’t go over there tonight.” He held my arm.

  “Why not?” I looked into his eyes, mesmerized by how close he was. It would be so simple for him to get me to stop hanging out with Dmitri, if that’s what he really wanted. I looked into his eyes, waiting for him to do something, anything to show me he liked me.

  “He looks at you like you’re a piece of meat.”

  “I thought that’s what I was.” I freed my arm. He was going to have to try a lot harder than that and actually start talking to me if he expected anything from me. I was tired of all his cryptic comments, never really knowing what he meant. “Why would you care anyway?”

  He was quiet while he thought about how to answer. “That’s a very good question.”

  “What does that even mean?”

  “Listen, Ari. There’s a lot you don’t know about me. It’s probably better that way.” He ran his hands through his dark hair, leaving it messy and rumpled.

  “That’s the understatement of the year. I know nothing about you. This is getting exhausting, Gabriel. One minute you want to protect me and the next minute you’re pushing me away.”

  He didn’t look amused by my comment, but he didn’t argue. “It’s my job to protect you.”

  “In our act or from Dmitri?”

  “Both, I guess.” He rubbed the back of his neck.

  “Are you jealous or something?” Suddenly I remembered something he’d said. “You told me you’d never lie to me.”

  He took a deep breath and released it slowly, shifting his feet. “I’m just trying to look out for you.”

  I stood staring at him, realizing he hadn’t answered my question, but he also hadn’t denied his jealousy.

  “Just be careful tonight.” He walked away before I had the chance to react.

  I didn’t stay long at Dmitri’s. He and his buddies were busy drinking and I wasn’t in the mood. When I went home early, Dmitri made a pouty face and kissed my hand. We agreed to get together for a movie the next day and that suited me since the party scene had already lost its appeal. The more time I spent with Dmitri, the more I became interested in Gabriel. But neithe
r of them seemed to catch on.

  Chapter 8

  We’d been in Toronto for two weeks and after performing eight shows, everyone was exhausted and ready to leave. We had one more show that night and the crew packed up what they could around the grounds while the performers sat around, restless and ready for the few days’ break we would get. After that night’s show, we’d be in Chicago for a ten-day run.

  Gabriel hadn’t said three words to me the last week. He still took my hand, leading me out to every performance, but once it was over, so was the attention he paid me. I knew he was mad that I’d continued to see Dmitri, but he did his best to act like he didn’t even notice me.

  It still got under my skin, the intense way he looked at me during our routine. Those brilliant blue eyes haunted my dreams and I found myself more and more curious about what he was hiding. Though I didn’t want to admit it, Gabriel’s non-interest in me only pushed me toward Dmitri more as I tried to get a reaction from Gabriel.

  After the show, I went to trailer seven. Dmitri handed me a pink drink and the ice cubes were already starting to melt. “I liked that back-bend thing you do,” he said giving me a kiss between sips of his drink.

  “Thanks.” I tasted my drink, it was much too sweet, but that was an improvement over the vodka he usually offered me. I made it clear I wasn’t interested in going into his bedroom, though for Dmitri’s part, I knew he had several creative ways to lure me there. Instead we hung out in the cramped living room with the flyers from his troupe.

  They never really paid much attention to me, but I felt important since I sat on Dmitri’s knee and he was their ringleader. They kept my drink refilled as fast as I could drink it and after a while I started to get light headed. The music seemed much too loud. The never-ending techno soundtrack was giving me a headache.

  “D-Dmitri.” I knew I slurred my words, but I couldn’t help it. He wasn’t paying attention to me. I think he was conversing in Russian with the guys around us, but I couldn’t be sure. My ears weren’t working right. “I don’t feel so good.” I tugged on his shirtsleeve.

  I felt him get up and carry me to his room. He laid me down on his bed. I remember him trying to kiss me, but I was pretty out of it. I just wanted to sleep. I flopped back heavily onto the bed. I might have slept for a while, but was then awoken by two people arguing. I was lying on my stomach and felt dizzy. I felt like I was floating above my body, completely removed from reality.

  I couldn’t figure out what was happening, only that Dmitri was definitely pissed, and fighting with someone. I just wanted them to stop yelling so I could sleep.

  I heard a voice. It may have been Dmitri’s. “You knew this was going to happen sooner or later.” I heard furniture getting knocked around and the same voice said, “You actually think she’ll pick you over me?”

  I didn’t understand what was happening, but something was pulled over my head and my arms stuffed through. Strong arms wrapped around me and then I was moving, which made me feel even queasier.

  The gravel crunched as we moved and my head bobbed up and down against a warm, bare chest. We stopped moving when we reached the door to my trailer. As my bare feet touched the cold ground, several things struck me at once: I wasn’t wearing pants; Gabriel had been carrying me; and I was about to be sick. In my clouded state, it was all too much to process. I leaned over and threw up on his shoes.

  ***

  I woke up the next morning to Sasha shaking me.

  “Stop,” I mumbled. “What are you doing?”

  “We’ve got to go get on the bus.” She leaned over me, looking worried. “And I might as well warn you that Gabriel was pretty pissed last night. After he put you in bed, he punched the wall.” She nodded toward a new dent in our trailer wall.

  “Huh?” Jumbled images of the night before flashed through my mind. Kissing Dmitri… him removing my clothes while I tried to sleep.

  “You got wasted at the party and Gabriel had to carry you home. I should also warn you that you arrived here not wearing anything except a t-shirt. Not yours.”

  What the hell had happened last night? Would I remember if Dmitri and I…. Shit. I didn’t remember anything. I looked myself over. Sasha was right. I was wearing a t-shirt that wasn’t mine. It was a faded black Hurley shirt that I’d seen Gabriel wear before. I’d gotten drunk and made an ass of myself. And worst of all, Gabriel had witnessed it all. But then I remembered that Gabriel hadn’t been at the party, so I wondered how he’d known I needed him. I vaguely remembered him barging into Dmitri’s room and shoving him off me.

  Sasha brought me back to reality. “Listen, I get that you’re hung over, but everything’s pretty much packed up. We’ve gotta get out of here.”

  “I feel like shit.” I moaned and tried to roll over into the fetal position. My body didn’t seem to want to cooperate.

  “Yeah, and you look it. I really hope for your sake you’ve learned your lesson.”

  Just then I shot out of bed, ran to the trash can and heaved over it. Nothing came out, making it all the more painful each time my stomach convulsed. Despite Sasha’s obvious disappointment in me, I felt her warm arm around me as she helped me stand when I was done. Then she helped me put on a pair of pants. By the door, I slipped into my ballet flats and let her help me walk to the bus.

  I felt better once we boarded the bus, where the cool air conditioning could wash over my clammy skin. I slid down in a plush seat and was grateful when Sasha handed me her dark sunglasses. I spent most of the ride to Chicago napping, but about an hour from the city, Sasha shook my shoulder. Gabriel was sitting with Tanner across from us but refused to look at me.

  “Are you alright, Ari?” Sasha asked, her voice dissolving into concern. “How much did you drink last night?”

  I thought back to last night. It made my head spin just to think about. I remembered the pink drink and my mouth watered like I might be sick again. “I don’t remember. A few, I think. Dmitri and his friends kept my cup topped off the whole night,” I said, sitting up in my chair.

  Sasha looked more worried than she had before. “Let’s get you some water.” She brought me a bottle of water and I downed it greedily and flopped my head back against the seat. Just drinking drained me of energy, despite my eight-hour nap.

  “Tanner, can you come here?” Sasha said, without taking her eyes from mine. Gabriel looked up too but then turned his head and continued staring blankly out the window, though it was really too dark to see anything outside now. They talked in hushed tones. I knew it was about me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to focus. Tanner brought me some crackers and I ate one, but even thinking about chewing another was exhausting.

  While we waited for our trailer to get set up, Sasha made me eat a little more and then I went to bed, amazed that I could still be tired. I lay in bed and vowed I’d never drink again. I didn’t want to think about it now, but I knew that tomorrow when I came to, the one thing that would consume my thoughts was that I had let Gabriel down.

  Chapter 9

  The thing that consumed my thoughts was that Gabriel had seen me naked. He had carried me through the rows of trailers, wearing only his t-shirt – on display for everyone to see. I knew it had been dark so the chances of anyone actually seeing me had been slim. And somehow I knew he would have shielded me from view with his body if there were a need. I cradled my head in my hands. How could I have been so stupid to trust Dmitri?

  After a hot shower, I dressed and went to breakfast. Dmitri didn’t even look my way as I walked through the cafeteria with my tray. I kept my head down and went quickly past his table. I sat down next to Tanner.

  “There she is!” he said happily.

  “Hi.”

  “So, you’re back from the dead?”

  “Yeah, I guess so. That was one hell of a hangover,” I said, dipping the spoon tentatively into my yogurt.

  “Ari, we’re worried about you,” Sasha said, setting down her coffee. Her eyes narrowed and darted from
Dmitri’s table then back to me.

  “What do you mean?” I took a big bite of yogurt, suddenly realizing I was hungry.

  “You can’t put yourself in a position like that – with people like that.”

  I looked from her to Tanner. Their faces held the same look of worry.

  “I know.” I hung my head. “I’m sorry. I won’t ever put myself in that position again. I was never interested in Dmitri – I was just so set on making my own way, figuring things out for myself and trying something different, that I let it sweep me up. But I’m done with that.”

  Across the room, I heard Dmitri telling a story, then a burst of laughter from his friends. I swallowed down the yogurt, losing my appetite. My stomach turned and I wasn’t sure if I was going to be sick again. I shoved my tray back and got up from the table.

  I was headed back to my trailer when I spotted Gabriel in his training room. The door was open and loud, angry music blared from inside. He was hitting a punching bag that hung from the ceiling. I stood in the doorway and watched him. His arms had more power than I would have guessed. I remembered vaguely the way they’d felt wrapped around me when he carried me home. His hands were taped up and red smudges of blood were seeping across his knuckles. When I stepped in the room, he saw me and stopped.

  “Hey,” he said over the music.

  “Hey,” I said softly.

  He was quiet, but turned down the music. His white t-shirt clung to him, revealing the outline of a tattoo on his chest. I couldn’t make out what it was.

  “So, thanks for taking care of me the other night.”

  He nodded, his jaw tense.

  “I still have your t-shirt.” I knew he’d taken it off to cover me up. It smelled like his clean, soapy scent and I’d kept it under my pillow the night before.

  “So….” I didn’t know how to ask him this – and it was awful that I didn’t know – but I wondered if he knew more than I did about what happened between me and Dmitri. I cringed at the thought of what he’d seen, at what might have happened.