The Cirque

by Ryann Kerekes

  “What?” he asked sternly. “Why’d you come here? Why aren’t you with him?” He nodded toward the door.

  It stung, but I continued, “How’d you know to come get me?”

  He looked down at the floor and re-tightened the tape on his hand. “I caught wind of Dmitri’s plan and I went to check on you.”

  I nodded, not knowing why I accepted this without question. “When you came in, what was happening?”

  “You mean you don’t even remember?” He looked at me. I shook my head, afraid to meet his eyes. “You were pretty out of it, so I guess I’m not surprised.”

  I should never have put myself in that position, and we both knew it, so there was no point trying to explain anything – especially since I sensed it would take very little for Gabriel to decide to take one of his knives and pay a visit to Dmitri and get himself in trouble over my stupidity. “Will you just tell me?”

  “You really don’t know?”

  I stayed quiet.

  He let out a deep sigh. “Let’s see. You were undressed, and laying across his bed. He was undoing his buckle when I walked in, so I think I interrupted a critical moment. He wasn’t too happy about that either, by the way.”

  I almost collapsed with relief, but the image of what Gabriel must have seen was seared into my mind. My eyes dropped to the ground in front of me. “Thank you for protecting me,” I whispered.

  “It’s my job, remember?”

  I nodded and turned to leave, not sure if I could hold in the tears I felt stinging my eyes. I heard Gabriel hit the punching bag even before I was out of the room.

  I sucked in deep breaths of air outside and tried to clear my head. I would not cry. Sasha had been right all along, but I had been too caught up in experiencing my newfound freedom to see everything clearly.

  I passed through the rows of trailers on the walk back to mine and there, waving from the antenna of one trailer, was a pair of panties. Was there a panty raid and someone forgot to tell me? I chuckled to myself. Wait a second. Oh my Lord…Those were my pink cotton undies! Shit. I’d blocked out the thought that I’d been carried out of Dmitri’s in the buff except for Gabriel’s t-shirt. Dmitri still had my panties and was flying them like a banner, announcing to the world that he’d had his way with me. What an asshole. I couldn’t believe I ever liked him.

  I stopped and stared up at the antenna on the roof of the RV where my bikini bottoms saluted the trailer park. They were up way too high to reach, and there was no way I was going to ask Dmitri to take them down. I would rather pretend it didn’t bother me. No one would know they were mine, would they?

  I heard footsteps behind me and turned to see Gabriel. Awesome. Great timing. I hoped I’d pulled my attention away from the underwear before he’d seen what I was staring at. But his eyes moved to where mine had been just moments earlier and rested heavily on the underpants waving in the breeze.

  I gave him a pleading look, silently begging him to move on, to stop staring at my underwear, but he just stood there. I felt exposed, naked next to him.

  Gabriel stuck his hands down low in his pockets and hung his head. “Those yours?” His voice was low and guarded.

  I wanted to laugh and keep walking and pretend they weren’t, but I looked at him and his eyes were fixed on the antenna and flag that symbolized my corruption. I hoped he understood these were definitely not my best pair. Why had I insisted on buying the Hanes 3-packs rather than lacy black thongs? And for the love of God, I hoped there weren’t any embarrassing stains inside.

  He took my silence for an answer and strode over toward Dmitri’s trailer.

  “No. It’s fine,” I said, even though it wasn’t. I stumbled after him. The last thing I wanted was to face Dmitri right now, but there was no stopping Gabriel on this mission. I sighed and waited.

  I’d figured he’d knock on the door and demand Dmitri remove them, but then again Gabriel rarely did what I expected. I turned the corner and watched as he quickly ambled up the ladder that led to the roof on the back of the RV. He hoisted himself onto the top and walked across the roof of the RV until he reached the front antenna. He stopped and looked curiously at my panties for a second before reaching out and plucking them from the antenna.

  He further horrified me by stuffing them into his jeans pocket. Then he strode back to the ladder. I waited impatiently at the bottom. He hopped down, skimming over the bottom rungs.

  He fished my undies from his pocket and held them in front of me. “M’lady.” They looked small in his hand. I snatched them and felt my face reddening. I think I mumbled ‘thanks’ before fleeing, but I couldn’t be sure.

  ***

  After lying in bed for a while, trying to read and never getting past the first paragraph, I got up and decided to go stretch before our first show in Chicago. I found Sasha in the gym and we stretched together for a while. She was always quiet, but seemed lost in her thoughts even more than usual. “How are you feeling about everything?” she asked finally.

  “I think Gabriel’s really pissed at me.” I eased down into a bridge to loosen my back muscles.

  “He’s probably more mad at Dmitri than anything else. I think it took everything he had to leave with you rather than stay and teach him a lesson.” We both got into a straddle position and she looked at me strangely. “Listen, there’s something I should’ve told you before.”

  I thought she was finally going to come clean about Gabriel’s background and I let her continue.

  “When I first came here, I didn’t know anyone. I was used to being alone for so long that when I started getting attention from Dmitri, it felt…good. Especially since he was the best flyer the show had.”

  “You and Dmitri?”

  “Let me continue.” She took a deep breath. “I thought I could learn something from him. We started hanging out, training together. It led to…more. Once I slept with him, he stopped talking to me.”

  I looked over at her. Her eyes were hard, but I could tell it still bothered her.

  “The worst part is, over the years I’ve seen him do the exact same thing to the new girls who join the show. I should have known better, fought harder to keep you away from him. I guess what I’m saying is…I’m sorry.”

  We switched into the butterfly position.

  Her revelation surprised me – not that Dmitri was a player and had been interested in me for only one reason – that kind of made sense, but that Sasha had fallen victim to him just seemed so out of character.

  “I’ve never known him do anything as sick and wrong as try to take advantage of someone while they were passed out though. I didn’t know he was capable of that. He must have grown impatient chasing you around. You were probably taking longer than his other conquests.”

  I wasn’t mad at Sasha. I knew what I wanted. Revenge. For myself, for her and for every girl Dmitri had screwed over. She looked at me expectantly, waiting for my forgiveness.

  “We need to take him down.”

  Her lips curved into a smile. “It’s on.”

  We spent the rest of our time stretching, giggling and contemplating strategies to destroy him. Even if nothing ever came of our outlandish ideas, I was thankful for a friend like Sasha.

  ***

  I hadn’t seen Gabriel since our awkward exchange over my underwear but I felt compelled to return his t-shirt. Maybe the same way he’d felt compelled to retrieve my undies. Sasha told me which trailer was his. It was a tiny, old silver Airstream that he had to himself since no one else would room with him. I knocked on the door and stepped back, waiting for him to answer. He opened the door and peeked out – surprised to have a visitor – and invited me in.

  His trailer was crammed with an eclectic collection of books, knives, half-melted candles, and painting supplies spilled over everywhere. His bed was unmade, and sitting on top of the covers was the scruffiest little dog I’d ever seen. The thing was so ugly it was cute and hadn’t even bothered to wake up. “Who’s this?” I asked.
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br />   “This is Gertie. She’s a mixed breed. Probably part terrier, part monkey.” He walked over and ruffled her brownish-gray fur, raking his fingers through it. She looked up at him to see who had disturbed her sleep and then promptly closed her eyes again, letting out a sigh.

  A crooked smile donned my lips at watching the tough, sexy Gabriel with this little crazy looking dog. I took in the rest of his room. I ran my fingers over the books on his desk. He had a lot of classics. I saw Moby Dick, and Pride and Prejudice. Classical music played in the background, breaking our silence and giving everything a sense of calm. After my eyes adjusted to the dimly lit trailer I noticed he’d been painting. There were several paintings on canvas and various scattered papers lining his desk and propped up against the walls.

  His hands were smudged with dried gray and white paint.

  “Sorry if I’m interrupting. I just wanted to return your shirt.” I held it up.

  “You can come in,” he said, even though I was already inside. He fumbled to shut the door behind me.

  I looked around at his paintings. They were good. Most had a dark, eerie quality to them, with slashes of bold colors and gritty, realistic details. The one he’d been working on made my breath catch. It was much lighter than the others. It was an angel surrounded by puffy clouds in a stormy gray sky that threatened to turn black around the edges and swallow her up. Glowing rays of light in pink and blue and soft gold streamed out from her, fighting back the darkness.

  “It’s beautiful.” I nodded toward the painting.

  Rather than acknowledge my compliment, he just stood there, quietly watching me. I couldn’t help connect the painting of the angel with our act – with me. Not only was it good, but there was something familiar about his work. Then I recognized his style and knew he’d also painted the target board we used during the show, the one with angel wings.

  In a rare moment of vulnerability, his eyes softened and searched mine. It was like I could see straight into him, through everything he’d been trying to keep hidden. He opened his mouth to say something then stopped himself. I wondered how he would explain the painting, but he stayed quiet.

  He slowly brought his hand up toward my neck. I barely breathed while his fingers grazed softly across my throat. He reached for a stray lock of hair and tucked it behind my ear. His fingertips were warm and left a tingling trail along my skin.

  It was like he studied me for details he wanted to memorize and paint later. In the dimly lit, intimate confines of the trailer, it felt like too much. I felt an indescribable attraction to him as we stood there, just inches apart, with our eyes locked together.

  “Here’s your shirt,” I said stupidly, thrusting it at him.

  He took it and tossed it on his bed without breaking eye contact with me.

  I was self-conscious just standing there. “What?”

  “Nothing.” He dropped his head, looking unsure.

  Why hadn’t I seen that Dmitri was the one not to be trusted and Gabriel was…? I wished for the chance to do things over again – things that wouldn’t make me feel so disappointed in myself.

  Gabriel was still standing quietly watching me and suddenly I had no clue what I was doing here. “I guess I’ll see you tonight,” I said finally, and turned to leave.

  He stayed silent.

  Even if he might be dangerous, I couldn’t seem to keep myself away from him. Deep down I knew I was falling for him. Hard. And that was very stupid.

  Chapter 10

  The next morning Del called a meeting, so we all gathered in the open gymnasium, waiting for him to arrive. While we stood around, people competed to one up each other with who could stretch farther, or do more pushups. I kept my eyes away from Dmitri’s little group though I could hear them laughing and carrying on from where I stood.

  Del had gathered us to introduce two new members of the team. They’ been part of the New York auditions but hadn’t been able to join us until now due to other obligations. He motioned for a small girl who stood next to him to step forward. He introduced her as Hope. She looked to be close to my age, or maybe a little older. She was extremely thin, ballerina thin. Del said that she was a contortionist, the first we’d had at the show apparently, and she came to us from the bigger and more well-known Cirque du Soleil.

  Del patted the back of a guy standing on his other side. His name was Shane and he was introduced as a dancer. Shane had sandy blond hair, a medium build and a friendly open expression on his face.

  After the meeting, people began to disperse. Sasha nudged me. “Let’s go meet the new guy.”

  I followed her over to where he was stretching alone on a mat. I remembered being intimidated my first day around all the established performers. He smiled at us with perfect, white teeth.

  “Hi, I’m Sasha and this is Ari,” she said.

  He stood and shook our hands. “Shane. Nice to meet you.”

  “So, you’re dancer?” I asked.

  “Yeah, mostly contemporary. I do choreography too. Del’s not sure what to do with me just yet though.”

  I nodded. I knew the feeling.

  Sasha jumped in. “Ari’s a dancer too – you guys should work together on something to show Del.”

  “You’re a dancer?” Shane’s broad smile was back.

  “Ballet. But I love contemporary dance.” I smiled back. I felt good to be in the company of another dancer. I hadn’t realized I’d missed that connection. We made a plan to meet up later.

  Sasha and I took a walk around the showgrounds, enjoying the late morning sunshine. At the end of the lot, I noticed a big RV, much more upscale than the trailers given to the performers. I asked Sasha who it belonged to.

  “Del and Marta,” she said.

  I hadn’t realized Del and Marta were a couple and something about that seemed odd. Maybe it was because she was about six inches taller than Del…. But hey, whatever. Marta was a former Vegas showgirl with an Eastern European accent I’d yet to identify. When we got closer to the trailer, we heard voices arguing inside. The trailer door swung open and Gabriel stormed down the steps and took off past us.

  “What was that about?” I looked to Sasha.

  “Apparently last night there was a scuffle between Gabriel and Dmitri,” she said. We reached the end of the lane and turned to circle back through the trailers. I looked at Sasha, waiting for her to continue. “Gabriel overheard him talking about you to his friends and…may have threatened Dmitri with a knife.”

  It didn’t surprise me that Dmitri was trash-talking me to his friends, what confused me was Gabriel’s reaction. He kept coming to my rescue, yet held himself back from developing any type of real connection with me.

  “I hope he’s not in too much trouble with Del,” I said.

  “Nah, Del likes him. He just doesn’t tolerate anyone messing around like that.”

  “What do you know about Gabriel’s background?”

  “He showed up here about a year ago with a bunch of knives and Del couldn’t say ‘no.’” She smiled.

  “It’s just that I know practically nothing about him,” I pressed further.

  “That’s for him to tell you. He didn’t have the privileged upbringing you did and he keeps his distance from everyone.”

  I wondered if there were more to it, like maybe he couldn’t let anyone know his real identity because he was on the run. I wondered what his family life had been like and how much Sasha knew that she wasn’t telling.

  “Do you think the rumors about him are true?”

  “Depends on what you heard,” she said, being coy.

  I waited a few seconds before continuing. I had to make sure my voice wouldn’t crack. “I heard he was wanted for murder,” I said, my voice low.

  “Where’d you hear that?” she asked too quickly.

  “Dmitri.”

  “Just forget about everything he told you.” Sasha left me out by the picnic table wondering why she hadn’t denied it was true. After a few minutes of staring
blankly down at the dirt, I took a deep breath and made my weekly phone call to my parents.

  It was dinnertime in Italy and my mom was expecting company any minute, so we didn’t talk for long. But she still managed to sneak in a few questions about how Sleeping Beauty was shaping up and questioned me about my extensions and jumps and if they were getting any higher. It was becoming more and more difficult to lie to her as with each day that passed I felt the ballet side of me slipping away. Luckily, she was distracted and never seemed to notice anything was off with me, which was both a relief and kind of sad. If she discovered I’d been cut from the ballet company and was slumming it as a target girl and living in a trailer, I knew I’d lose what I had left of her respect.

  I knew why she pushed me – she was a failed ballerina turned amateur artist. She relied on my dad for everything and I couldn’t help but wonder that if she had something of her own, maybe she wouldn’t be trapped in their loveless marriage. She wanted better for me. She wanted me to have choices she didn’t – and she saw ballet as her missed ticket to a better life…. I figured that’s why she steered me in that direction.

  She believed I had succeeded where she had not. Though my mom gave it a good go, she was all wrong for ballet. She was too impulsive, her legs too short, her body more squat than it should be. I was made to be a dancer, my mother had told me from the time I was small. I was lean, with both strength and grace. My hair looked perfect pulled tight in a bun, showing off my long neck, and fine bone structure. But I was missing an important element my mom refused to see – the heart for it.

  I changed into a leotard and wrap skirt and grabbed my pointe shoes then went to the gym to find Shane. He was there waiting for me with a smile on his face. We started with introductions to each other’s dancing abilities. I performed some basic positions, demi-plié and grand-plié and then showed him some more challenging moves I knew, pirouettes, adage and split jumps. It had been awhile since I performed en pointe and my toes screamed in protest, but my body remembered everything.