Tapping out

by Nikki Ash

  “So, which is it Bella? Did you have an abortion like I suggested, or is your fighting career over before it even started? And while I’m thinking about it, who the fuck is your baby’s daddy? Because if the look Tristan just made tells me anything, he’s not the one who knocked you up… and I sure as fuck didn’t knock you up.”

  “What do you even care?” Tristan asks confused. Marco just chuckles and shakes his head.

  “So, Bella… tell us. I mean you got in my business so it’s only fair I know yours.”

  “I-I’m having the baby,” I admit, and Tristan does a good job of keeping his composure.

  “And who’s the lucky guy? Who’s the guy that’s fucked for life?” Hot tears build and I will them away. As I am about to tell him, it’s none of his business, Tristan says, “I am. So, worry about yourself.”

  “I call bullshit.”

  “You can call whatever the fuck you want. Now get the fuck out. The baby Bella is carrying is mine!”

  “Oh my god!” a feminine voice screeches. “What did you just say?” Gina steps farther into the room. Of course, at this moment is when she decides to come out of Tristan’s room to join the fun.

  “Did-Did you just say you are the father of her baby?” Gina shoots daggers my way.

  “And the plot thickens…” Marco laughs. “I’m out of here.”

  He reaches the door and glares at me one last time. “You’re fucking dead to me.” He walks out the door slamming it behind him, causing the picture frame next to the door to fall to the floor, the glass pieces smashing all over the ground.

  “Gina, can you go wait in my room for a minute? I will be right there,” Tristan says to Gina.

  “NO! I want to know what the hell is going on!”

  “And I will explain it to you in a minute. You can either go wait in my room or leave.”

  “Fine,” she huffs out. She glares at me then heads down the hallway. Once we hear the door slam, Tristan says to me, “Is it true?”

  “Yes, I’m about eight weeks pregnant.”

  “Why does Marco know and I don’t?”

  I give him the half-truth. “When I went to his house to see if I could get him help, I told him.”

  “Who’s the dad?” I have never lied to Tristan… until this moment, and I feel sick as I do.

  “It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want the baby.”

  “He knows you’re pregnant?”

  “Yes, and he made it clear he doesn’t want the kid.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I don’t know yet. I know I’m going to have the baby but I am considering giving it up for adoption.”

  “Shit! Ok, let me go talk to Gina, and then we will figure this out, ok?” Tristan wraps his arms around me, giving me a hug I didn’t realize I needed so badly.

  He walks back to his room and I hear the door close. Before going to lay down, I stop at the bathroom to go pee. After I’m done, I wipe myself, and just before I drop the toilet paper into the water, I spot bright red blood. Grabbing more, I wipe again and see more blood.

  “Tristan,” I call out. “Tristan!” I pull up my pants, flush the toilet and run out of the bathroom. He is already in the hallway.

  “Did you call me?”

  “I-I’m bleeding. I need to go to the hospital.”

  “Ok, let’s go.” He practically pushes Gina out the door, and although she tries to argue, Tristan snaps at her, saying he will talk to her later.

  The ride to the hospital is a blur. We get checked in and I am given a room and a gown to change into. I answer what feels like a million questions and then blood is taken.

  A few minutes later, an ultrasound tech, picks me up and rolls my bed to another room but before we leave, Tristan promises he will be waiting for me in the room.

  The tech tries to do an external ultrasound first but she can’t find a heart beat.

  “Don’t worry,” she says. “You probably aren’t far enough along yet.”

  Then using a probe, she tries again. I hold my breath praying to hear the heartbeat. She clicks a couple buttons and I feel like I am going to pass out.

  “Ok, here we go.” She turns a knob and I hear it—my baby’s heartbeat—and it’s the most amazing sound I have ever heard. “See that little blip?” She points at the screen and I can see a small dot with something blinking in the center.

  “Oh my god! Is that her heartbeat?”

  “It sure is. I will print you out a picture.” She clicks a couple more knobs then she grabs something from under her. “Here you go; your baby’s first photo. According to my measurements, you are eight weeks along. Congratulations. Everything looks good from my end but the OBGYN on call will come in and double check everything since you had bleeding.”

  A few minutes later the doctor comes in and checks out the ultrasound images then she does a pelvic exam. “Your uterus and placenta all look perfect. The baby’s heartbeat is strong and you are measuring correct according to the first day of your last period. Minor bleeding in the first trimester is common, so I don’t want you to be concerned. If you feel any cramping or the bleeding worsens, come back. Otherwise make an appointment for your checkup with your preferred obstetrician.”

  “Ok, thank you.”

  The nurse comes in and wheels me back to the room where Tristan is waiting for me. “Everything ok?”

  I hand him the picture of the most perfect little blob. “She’s perfect.”

  “It’s a girl?” He looks at me shocked.

  “I don’t know. I’m only eight weeks along but I didn’t want to call it an ‘it’ and she was the sex that came to mind.” Giving the baby a gender makes this whole situation feel even more real. I have a baby growing inside of me. A perfect little miracle.

  Tristan puts his face in his hands and rubs up and down. “Do you think it’s wise to get attached? You mentioned giving her up for adoption.”

  “That was before I saw her on the monitor. Before I saw the blood and thought I was going to lose her. I was scared. I still am. But I can’t give her up. She’s mine and I already love her.”

  I rub my hand over my belly. “My mom did it alone for the first four years.”

  “Your mom had your Aunt Kayla.”

  “That’s true, but she still did it and I will too.”

  “You aren’t going to do this alone. My mom had to do that shit alone and I’m not letting you go through what she did.”

  “Tristan, I can’t let you do this.”

  “Yes, you can and you’re going to. I want to. Kaden isn’t my biological father but I love him just the same and he loves me as if I were his. We will do it together. As far as everyone will know, I’m this baby’s father.”

  “No, Tristan, you can’t do that. What about Gina? I can’t be the reason you two break up.”

  “Bella, you are my best friend. You come first. You want to keep this baby then I will support you one hundred percent and be by your side. We will do this together.”

  The following weeks are crazy! Tristan breaks things off with Gina, telling her I am pregnant. Unfortunately, that also means pretending he cheated on her. Tristan feels it would be best if everyone, including Gina, think he’s the biological father, so I go along with it.

  After our huge fight with Marco, Tristan spoke with Caleb and he said he’s cut Marco off completely. He flew out again and tried to get him help but Marco refused all help, and then Mathias kicked him out. Marco has money from his fights so I doubt he’s homeless but Tristan and I haven’t spoken to him since that day and I have no desire to ever speak to him again. Do I love Marco? Of course, I do. But I have to put my baby first.

  Tristan and I have agreed to take things slow. I’m not ready to be in a relationship with him, especially not sexually, and he says he understands. I told him I would understand if he wants to have sex with other women but he said he’s fine.

  When we told our parents, our moms cried, my dad freaked the hell out, and Kaden sai
d he will do anything he can to support us. My dad asked if we were going to get married and we both agreed we are just taking it one day at a time. It was a shock to everyone that Tristan and I were together. My mom gave me a weird look a few times but didn’t call me out on it, thank god.

  Because of being pregnant, I had to cancel my UFC fight. I’m still allowed to work out while pregnant but I can’t fight, obviously. Once I am healed, I fully plan to get right back into training. But for now, my focus is on the baby. I took the summer off school to get situated but I am back for the fall semester. With the baby not due until the end of January, I am taking a full load now and taking next semester and the summer off.

  The last two appointments, I insisted on going myself since they were just routine visits but since this one I knew we would get to see the baby, Tristan insisted on coming along, which is why Dr. Ruben is just meeting Tristan for the first time.

  I feel Tristan squeeze my hand and I look over at him and then back to the monitor. “Here’s your baby’s feet and hands. There’s the spine. Are you finding out the sex today?” Dr. Ruben asks.

  “Yes,” I say, staring at my beautiful little alien looking baby.

  “Ok, you see these three lines? Right here?” Dr. Ruben freezes the screen. “These mean you are having a girl, and right now she is measuring perfect.” He takes a few more pictures of the baby before he says, “Everything looks great. Go ahead and get dressed and schedule your next appointment up front.”

  A girl. I’m having a girl. I wonder if she will have my naturally wavy brown hair or Marco’s… No! I am not going to go there. I am not going to think about whether she will have my olive complexion or take after her father’s beautiful caramel colored skin or if she will have his black eyes or my light brown ones. There’s no point. This is the way it needs to be even if I wish things could have been different. The thought makes my heart hurt and I feel a small tear escape but I wipe it away quickly.

  “You ok?” Tristan asks.

  “Yeah, thank you for being here.”

  “There’s nowhere else I would rather be.” He takes my hand and brings it up to his lips, softly giving it a kiss. And I feel like the worst person for wishing for things I shouldn’t be wishing for.

  Twelve

  Marco

  I’m sitting on the back patio of my new condo overlooking the water. My head is pounding because Sara is running late. After I made the decision to walk away from Caleb, I stayed with Ivan for a couple of weeks. When Caleb returned, trying once again to get me to go to rehab, and I made it clear he has no say in my life, he practically disowned me, and told Mathias about me doing drugs.

  Mathias, of course, sided with Hayley and Caleb and kicked me out, saying once I’m ready to get help I am more than welcome to move back in. So, I moved into a new condo complex. I met Sara and quickly learned she is into the same recreational activities as I am.

  Janell was getting too fucking clingy so I cut her loose once I found out Sara could score for me. She’s running late from work and I just did my last bump a few hours ago so I am coming down hard. If she doesn’t get here soon, I am going to have to call my dealer. I can’t stand dealing with him, especially since he thought he recognized me once. The last thing I need is it getting out who I am.

  There’s a knock at my door and I jump up to answer it. Usually Sara just comes in, but maybe she forgot her key.

  I swing it open and come face to face with… not Sara. “Can I help you?”

  “Actually, I can help you.”

  “Aren’t you Tristan’s girlfriend... or I guess ex-girlfriend.”

  “Yes, Gina. Are you going to invite me in?” I look out the door to see if anybody else is here, not having any clue why the hell she’s here.

  “Umm... yeah, sure.” I let her in and she goes right to the couch to sit down. “You don’t by any chance have any powder on you, do you?” She glares are me. “Ok, I take that as a no… pills?”

  “No! My god, you need to get your shit together.”

  “Oh fuck, did Tristan send you here? Didn’t he cheat on you?”

  “He didn’t send me here and that’s actually why I’m here. Tristan didn’t cheat on me.”

  “Umm… sweetheart, the baby in Bella’s belly says otherwise. Look, if you don’t have any powder or pills, you’re no use to me, so...” I stand up to open the door for her in case she doesn’t get the hint.

  “Actually, that’s where you are wrong. I am of use to you because I know something you might want to know.”

  “Doubt it.”

  “How about the fact that Bella is pregnant…”

  “I already know that.”

  “…with your child. Not Tristan’s.”

  “And you’re fucking delusional. Get out.”

  The door opens and Sara comes in. “Thank God!” I grab the baggies from her hand and ignore Gina still standing in the room, going straight to the table to line up the powder.

  “I’m not delusional. I even have proof.” Using my razor, I make a straight line and lean forward.

  “Look.” She sticks her phone out in the way of my bump.

  “Move,” I growl out.

  “No, look.” She shoves the phone in my face. At first, I’m not sure what I’m looking at. It looks like a picture of a handwritten letter. I scroll down but there’s no name. The letter is unfinished.

  “What’s this?” I ask.

  “Read it.”

  My sweet baby girl,

  I am 24 weeks pregnant today and read in my baby book that moms sometimes write notes to their unborn babies. When I thought about writing to you, the first thing that came to mind was telling you the truth. I don’t want to begin our mother/daughter relationship with lies, even though we will be, but this letter is in case something happens to me. If you are reading this, it means you know your dad isn’t your biological father and you have asked for answers.

  First, I want to tell you that I love you more than life itself. You aren’t even here yet but my heart beats for you. I hope if I am no longer with you for whatever reason you know how deep my love runs for you. Every choice I made was made out of love for you. I can’t tell you if I made the right decision but I will tell you, I made what I felt was the best decision at the time.

  With that said, the man who you share DNA with is Marco Michaels. He is Caleb and Hayley’s son. He doesn’t know you are his and he never denied you. You also need to know that your dad (Tristan) loves you already but he doesn’t know who your real father is either. I chose to keep it a secret because your biological father wasn’t in a good place even though I promise you, you were made from love.

  If you are reading this, something happened to me, it will be up to you if you choose to seek him out. I hope and pray he is in a better place but if he’s not, just know that at one time, Marco was my best friend. He was

  I reread the unfinished letter three more times. How the fuck is this even possible? How am I that baby’s father? It doesn’t make sense.

  “How is this possible?”

  “Well, according to Tristan, the night we came here for the party, him and Bella ended up hooking up, but since I know that isn’t true, I’m thinking you and Bella hooked up that night. And I take it, you don’t remember that night…”

  The party? Fuck, there’s been so many parties. How could I have had sex with Bella and not remembered?

  “It was like six months ago at your old place. We went over there to break up the party. Bella went into your room with you and when she came out she said you were sleeping.”

  The party.

  My bedroom.

  The grey hoodie.

  Fuck!!!

  The grey hoodie said Cooper’s Fight Gym, I knew I recognized it. It was Bella’s.

  If this letter is true, if I am the father of her kid…

  Oh, my god! The shit I said to her.

  I told her to have an abortion.

  Fuck!!

  I click on the p
hoto and text it to my phone. “Here, you can go.”

  “That’s it? Aren’t you going to go to her? She’s carrying your child. Tristan was supposed to be mine and that bitch fucked it all up,” Gina snaps. “You need to claim that baby.”

  “Watch your fucking mouth and get out.” I look at Sara. “Both of you.” Sara puts her hands up and both girls leave, Gina continuing to call Bella every name in the book.

  I grab my phone and dial the only person in the world who can help me right now.

  “Marco? Son?”

  “Dad, I need you.”

  He sighs into the phone. “Marco…”

  “I need to go to rehab. I need help. Please.”

  “I’m on my way. I love you, Son.”

  I sit in my living room for what feels like hours, staring at the image of the letter supposedly written by Bella. I want to call her and ask her if she really wrote it but deep down in my gut, I know she did. I think back to the look on her face when she showed up here to tell me she was pregnant. She was so scared and vulnerable and instead of lashing out, she tried to get me help. I don’t even deserve this woman.

  Then I think about when I showed up at her place and Tristan said the baby was his. I yelled and screamed at her. I called her names and told her she was dead to me. Maybe I should just pretend I didn’t see the letter. Maybe her and our baby are better off with Tristan.

  There’s a knock on my door and I know it’s my dad. I open the door and he comes in, and without saying a word wraps me up in a hug. I lose it. I cry until I’m sobbing. But my dad doesn’t say anything. He just lets me lose it. Once the tears stop, he says, “I need to know what caused all this, Marco. I need to make sure you get the right help.” We have a seat on the couch and I take a deep breath trying to figure out how to answer that question.

  Where do I even start?

  “I’m in pain. My back wasn’t healing and the pain became too much. I was grieving for Logan and not being able to fight, and I lost it. Pills turned to coke and it just all spiraled out of control. I need the drugs, Dad.” I look him dead in the eyes. “I need them. I can feel it in me. I am craving them right now.”