Tapping out

by Nikki Ash

  I stare at my shaking hands and wonder what will happen once the need is too much. Right now, I’m ok, but what will happen when I need the pills and powder in my blood stream? Will I give up and choose the drugs over my baby?

  “What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t get clean? My mom… my biological mom…” My dad jumps out of his seat, bridging the gap between us.

  “Don’t you fucking finish that goddamn sentence. Don’t you dare blame her, and don’t you dare believe you can’t get better because of her. You are my son. Mine and Hayley’s. I don’t give a fuck who’s blood runs through your veins.”

  I nod in understanding, choosing not to voice my doubts.

  “Let’s get you to the facility. I’ve already called ahead and let them know you are coming in. What you need to understand is that you’re an adult. This is one hundred percent voluntary. If you choose to leave, I can’t stop you.”

  “Thank you. I’m not coming out of there until I’m clean.”

  “I’m going to tell your mom about your pain. She will know who to contact. We will get your back fixed. I promise.”

  We both stand and head to the door. I give him my keys and cell phone, knowing I won’t be able to bring them with me. The drive to the rehab facility is about an hour away, and of course, it looks like an expensive resort. This is California after all.

  My dad stays by my side through the entire check-in process. He doesn’t once leave me until the doctor tells him this is where we must part ways. He envelops me in a hug, his words coming out gritty. “I love you, Marco. You are going to get through this. We will come and visit as soon as we are allowed.”

  “There’s something you need to know,” I whisper. “I think I’m the father of Bella’s baby.” I feel his body stiffen but he doesn’t say anything, only nods then looks me straight in the eyes.

  “You get better for you and only you. You understand me?” I agree, giving him one last hug before following the doctor into the facility where I will be spending the next ninety days.

  Thirteen

  Bella

  “Surprise!”

  After a relaxing morning of reading and writing down my birthing plan at the local coffee shop near campus, I walk into my apartment to find every woman I know standing in my living room. After nearly having a heart attack, I take in the room. There are presents, food, and a huge cake on the table, the entire place looking like it threw up an entire bottle of Pepto Bismol. Pink streamers, pink ribbons, pink balloons. Yuck!

  But then I see my mom and I smile, knowing she’s the reason for all this. So, in the grand scheme of things pink isn’t so bad. I run up to her and wrap my arms around her neck. Some girls can’t stand their moms. That’s not the case for me. My mom is my best friend in the entire world. Maybe it’s because she had me at eighteen so she was a young mother but we have always had an amazing relationship.

  This was the first Christmas Tristan and I didn’t get to spend the holidays with everyone in Breckenridge. With me so close to my due date, the doctor said it would be best if I didn’t fly. So, our families spent Christmas together, and Tristan and I spent it here in San Diego. We got a small tree and exchanged gifts but it wasn’t the same. I missed my family so much, so getting to see my mom is the best surprise of all.

  “Thank you for doing this. But more importantly, thank you for being here.”

  “You aren’t getting rid of me. You only have a few weeks, so I will be staying here until this precious little one comes. I’m not chancing being over four hours away when you go into labor.”

  “Where are you staying? I mean you can stay here but with us only having two bedrooms and my room being cramped with the baby’s stuff, you will be stuck on the couch.”

  “Don’t you worry. Your father found a good deal on a hotel downtown so I will be staying there. I can’t deal with trying to get on a plane when my daughter goes into labor. Your dad and siblings will fly out once we let them know.”

  “Oh mom! Thank you.” I give her another hug.

  “What I want to know is, and we can talk about this later, why aren’t you and Tristan sharing a room if you are together?” Her one eyebrow goes up and I feel sick. The only lie I have ever told my mom was about the father of my baby and it doesn’t surprise me she knows something is up.

  “Mom…”

  “Not now, let’s enjoy this baby shower. We have plenty of time to talk later.”

  I see some of my friends from school smiling and laughing, so I agree and walk over to my friends. “Happy Baby Shower,” Lauren says. I met her in our freshman math class and we quickly became friends. She introduced me to Stephanie, Kristen, and Michelle, who are all in the same sorority as her.

  At first, I thought they would be stuck up and full of themselves when I heard they were all in a sorority but I quickly learned there is a stigma about sororities that just might be wrongfully placed. These women are sweet and smart, and have become friends I can lean on.

  “Thanks for coming,” I tell the four of them then continue to work my way around the room. Ashley, Tristan’s mom, is here along with Tristan’s sisters. My sister, Lilly, is here. I spot Hayley, Marco’s mom, with Marco’s sister, Mackenzie, and then I spot my Aunt Kayla, who is here with her daughters, Faith and Chloe.

  While Kayla and Bentley are Chloe’s parents in every way that matters, biologically Chloe is Marco’s sister. They shared a mom, one who overdosed on drugs when Chloe was only a baby. Hayley and Caleb adopted Marco and Kayla and Bentley adopted Chloe. I hate that Chloe will never know this baby is her niece. I know she’s happy but I’ve heard her mention on several occasions she wishes she had more biological family like Marco has with Mathias. I make a mental note to make her feel like an Aunt, even if she won’t know they are blood.

  When I get to Hayley, I give her a hug and I can’t help but ask, “How’s Marco?” I know she knows I’m the one who called Caleb, I just wish it would have made a difference.

  “He’s ok,” she says. I want to ask her to elaborate but feel like now isn’t the right time. The last I heard Marco was on a downward spiral and Caleb and Hayley had cut him off completely after he refused to get help. Ever since Marco came over yelling and telling me I’m dead to him, I didn’t have it in me to ask for updates.

  The day goes by quickly. Food is eaten, the cake is delicious, and the amount of stuff people bought the baby is ridiculous. I think my mom covered my entire baby registry herself.

  As the party winds down, I say bye to my friends and the only people left are my mom and her friends.

  “Have you thought about any names yet?” my Aunt Kayla asks. I have thought about names, a lot actually, but I don’t want to tell anyone what I’m thinking. I’m afraid it will give away who the father is. I know that sounds stupid but because it makes me think of the dad, I’m afraid someone else will put the pieces together.

  “A little. I am waiting until she is born to decide for sure.”

  The front door opens, and in walks Tristan and Mason. Mason flew over the day after Christmas and has been hanging out. He mentioned he’s thinking about moving out here, something about wanting a change of pace.

  “Hell yes, just in time to eat all the leftover food,” Mason says, his hands rubbing together like he’s preparing for a feast, as he walks straight for the food table.

  Tristan comes and sits down next to me, placing a kiss on my cheek. “Did you not tell them you hate pink?” he whispers. I laugh and shake my head. “No, I didn’t have the heart to.”

  “How was the shower?” Tristan asks loud enough for everyone to participate in the conversation.

  “It was good. You should see all the cute clothes and toys everyone bought.” Then I turn to everyone sitting with us. “Thank you. This shower means a lot.”

  “Of course, sweetie.” My mom leans over and gives me another hug.

  “I’m going to head out. Caleb flew in with us and we have to… meet with someone.” She gives Mackenzie a h
ug and kiss. “Be good for Aunt Kayla and I will see you back at home.”

  She walks over to me and gives me a hug, “Congratulations, Bella.”

  One by one everyone leaves. My mom said she needs to check-in to the hotel and Ashley and Kayla are flying back in the morning because school starts back up in a few days. Mason leaves last, saying he’s meeting some females for dinner. I tell Tristan he can go but he just gives me a look telling me to shut up.

  “Bella, there’s a lot of shit in that room. I know you don’t want to share a room with me but maybe we need to consider getting a three-bedroom place.” Tristan and I have circled around whether to be a couple for the last few months. When he mentioned us sharing a room so we could make the second room a nursery I gave in. We spent one night in the room together and I told him I couldn’t do this.

  I know he was disappointed and I hate that I am tying him down with a baby and the poor guy isn’t even getting laid. He’s a twenty-one-year-old man who should be out dating and having fun; not tied down to a woman and some other man’s baby. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve considered moving out and doing this on my own but every time I mention it, Tristan tells me I’m being ridiculous.

  “The baby will sleep next to me anyway for the first few months so I can feed her.”

  “But you will be pumping so I can help.” I went over the pros and cons of breastfeeding and came to the decision I would try to breastfeed and pump. I want to get back into working out and training after she comes as well as having to return to school, so pumping seemed like a good compromise.

  “I know but I want to be close to her. Can we please just take it one step at a time? Once she gets bigger, if we need to we can move into a bigger place.”

  “All right.”

  “I’m really tired. I’m going to go to bed. You should go meet Mason.”

  “Yeah? Maybe I will. I kind of hope he decides to move out here. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with him.”

  “Good. Go. Goodnight,” I say. “Have fun!”

  “Night, Bella,” Tristan says as he walks out the door.

  I lay down in my comfy bed and not even ten seconds later, I am out.

  Fourteen

  Marco

  “Thank you for picking me up. Since I didn’t drive here, I would have had to take a cab home, and I have no money on me.” I give my dad a hug and we walk out of Sunny Creek rehabilitation center, a place I don’t plan to ever need to return to.

  “Of course, I’m here. You think I would let you get out of this place and not be here?”

  I throw the luggage, filled with some clothes and stuff I have accumulated during my three months here, into the back of my car.

  “Thanks for letting me take your car, your mom needed to use the rental.”

  “Seriously? You’re thanking me for letting you use my car? I owe you a lot more than the use of my vehicle.”

  We get in and my dad starts driving to my place. “I made sure all your bills were kept up with like we discussed, and someone came in once a month and cleaned. How are you feeling?”

  “I’m feeling damn good. I’m ready to get my life back but I’m not going to fuck this up. I have my sponsor on speed dial and I have the locations of the narcotic anonymous meetings in my area.”

  “That’s what I like to hear.” He shoots me a smile.

  “I know we talked about all this when you guys visited but I need to say it again. I am so sorry for what I did and said.”

  “I appreciate it, Marco. You are our son and we will always be here for you. It killed me having to walk away. Every day I prayed you were alive and would stay alive long enough to get help. Now let’s put all this behind us.”

  “Where’s Mom?” I ask. I’m surprised she isn’t here, and if I’m honest a little disappointed.

  “She’s meeting us for dinner. She wanted to be here, but since you insisted on us not telling anybody about you being in rehab, she couldn’t think of an excuse to be in California and not…umm…” My dad trails off unsure of how to finish what he was saying.

  “Dad, you know one of the things we talked about in rehab was not coddling me. What’s going on? Whatever it is, I can handle it.”

  “Bella’s mom threw Bella a baby shower today. When Liz invited everyone, she didn’t know we were already coming here for you, and since Hayley couldn’t say anything, she just acted like we were coming here for the shower.”

  Bella’s baby shower. As much time as I have thought about Bella and our baby the last few months, it still hits me hard hearing her name spoken out loud.

  “Have you told mom what I told you?”

  My dad shakes his head. “You said you thought she might be. You were high and heading to rehab. I felt it was best to wait until you were sober and ready to deal with this head on. Are you sure you might be the dad?”

  “Do I remember having sex with her? No.” I hang my head in shame. My counselor and I spoke at great lengths about Bella, the baby, and how she more than likely isn’t going to forgive me right away. We talked about being ready to co-parent without being together, and Dr. Wells recommended we consider going to counseling together.

  But the first step is finding out from Bella if this baby is mine.

  “I have a letter I wasn’t supposed to see and it states I’m the dad.”

  “Just remember you are only ninety days sober, and while this baby should be a priority, you also need to put yourself first so you stay sober for the baby.”

  We arrive at my condo and dad gives me space to unpack my stuff. I look around and can’t believe this is my home. I was so high and fucked up, I never even bothered to do anything with the place. It’s a three-bedroom condo on the beach, on the first floor. You can literally walk outside and step foot in the sand, but other than the necessities like a bed and dresser, everything in this place is empty. The walls are white and bare and there’s no pictures out. It’s the opposite of the home I grew up in with Hayley and Caleb.

  I throw my luggage onto the bed and open it up to put my clothes away. As I pick up the pile, the stack of envelopes falls out onto the floor. Picking them up, I put them back in a neat pile and place them into my drawer. Eighty letters. One for every day I was in rehab minus the ten days I was detoxing and wasn’t allowed to have anything dangerous near me such as a writing utensil.

  I thought about mailing them so many times but chickened out every time. Something told me I needed to say all the words in person. But I never got rid of a single letter. My counselor said maybe it was cleansing for me to let it all out on paper.

  After changing into clean clothes, my dad and I head out to meet mom for dinner.

  “Oh, my baby!” My mom spots me outside the restaurant and runs at me with open arms. “You look so good!” Tears fall down her cheeks and I hate that there was a time I didn’t look good. I hate what I put my parents through. But I can’t look back. All I can do is move forward and make things right the best I can.

  We hug for a few more minutes, until the hostess lets us know our table is ready. “So, what are your plans?” my dad asks.

  “Honey, just let him be. He just got out.”

  “And he needs to have a plan.”

  “Dad’s right. My plan is to work on making amends with the people I wronged. I want to go visit Logan in the hospital. I found out he was moved to Sharp Hospital here in San Diego into a long-term facility.”

  “And what about you?” my mom asks.

  “My back is still sore but it’s getting better.” I put my head down still feeling shame. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come to you guys. I should have told you the pain I felt. I shouldn’t have turned to drugs.”

  “Hey, you did come to us.”

  “Yeah, too late.”

  “No, too late would be us burying you. It wasn’t too late. You are here and you are well,” my mom says.

  “I want to get back to fighting. I know I have a long road ahead of me, but I want to start working out and trai
ning again.” But even as I say the words, I feel like they are no longer true. But instead what I’m supposed to say, what people are expecting me to say, what I should be saying. I’m just not sure if I truly mean them anymore.

  “And you’re sure you don’t want to move back home?” my dad asks.

  “I have to be here.” I hate that I am keeping this secret from my mom but what if the letter wasn’t true? What if Bella’s baby isn’t mine. I need to talk to Bella first before I start running my mouth to everyone in sight.

  We enjoy the rest of our meal then head back to my place. Mom and dad insist on spending the night in the guest room, and I welcome the company. I excuse myself to call my sponsor, a man named Jay who has been a recovering addict for thirty years. After going over my plan and when I’ll be attending my first meeting, I go to bed, grateful to finally be sleeping in my own bed, in my own home.

  I wake up to the smell of bacon. Mom must have gone to the store because there’s no way anything from that fridge was still good.

  “Morning,” I say, giving my mom a kiss on her cheek. Her phone dings and she looks at it on the counter.

  “Oh no!” My mom shouts looking at her phone. “Bella had the baby. She was brought in via ambulance last night and they had to do an emergency caesarean.”

  My heart races at the thought of something happening to Bella and our baby.

  “Is she ok? Is the baby ok?” I blurt out. Please let them both be ok. I shoot up a silent prayer to the man upstairs.

  “She’s ok. They both are.”

  “We should head over there,” my dad tells her, getting up from the couch. My mom flicks the stove off and covers the bacon with foil.

  “If you don’t want to go, we will completely understand. I know something happened with you and Bella but I’m sure she would want you there.”

  If she knew the way I treated Bella the last time I saw her, she would think otherwise. It’s not that I don’t want to visit her, to see our baby and apologize to her for everything I did. Beg for forgiveness. But the day after she has given birth isn’t the time or place to do that.