Heartstone

by Phillip Margolin

  She had dreamt about Roy last night. When she woke up, she had felt uncomfortable, because the dream had been erotic. They had both been naked in a large bed. They weren’t in a room, she didn’t think. It had been hazy. Maybe there were clouds instead of walls. And he was on top and doing it to her.

  She realized that she was growing tense and she concentrated on her wrist and the trance. She thought about what Roy and the doctor wanted from her. She wanted to help them very much. Some of their questions puzzled her, though. She wondered why Roy had asked her about Monroe and dragging. Did he think they had dragged Richie that night? She was certain they had not. There had been once that she was with someone who had dragged Richie, only she wasn’t sure if it had been Roger or if Billy and Bobby had been there. It was all so long ago.

  But, what if it was that night…? Only it couldn’t have been. But, what if? Then, she might be wrong about other things. She didn’t feel relaxed anymore and she opened her eyes. Somehow, the trance was not working tonight. It was nine o’clock. She got up and turned on the television.

  6

  TAPE # 5

  DR. ARTHUR HOLLANDER: All right. And soon the hand will begin to move toward the face. The hand is now touching the face and the eyes will close when it is comfortable to do so. There we are. Fine. Good. Completely relaxed.

  Now, Esther, I wonder if you would be willing to forget whatever might be unpleasant in today’s episode, and you can indicate so by a “yes.”

  ESTHER PEGALOSI: Yes.

  Q: Good. And then if we need that information at some time in the future, when you are ready, you can remember it either alone or with my help. But any information that might be unpleasant and you might not be ready to consciously remember, you can forget just as you forget a dream a few minutes after awakening. And you can do the same with any unpleasant phase of today’s work.

  Now, Esther, I want you to imagine that the window in front of you is actually a screen, a movie screen. And can you in your mind’s eye clearly see a movie screen there in front of you?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Good. Now if you look at the bottom of that movie screen, you will notice a little counter, something like the mileage counter on an automobile.

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Can you see it? And can you see that the mileage counter says 1967?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: All right. I want you to just imagine that counter running backwards, ’67, ’66, ’65, at whatever convenient speed you want. And when that counter has moved back to the year 1960, I would like you to let me know by saying the number.

  A: 1960.

  Q: Good. Now, as you watch that screen, you will see things that have happened in 1960, as though you were in the audience watching a movie screen. It could be that you will see yourself as one of the stars or actors and when you begin to see action on the screen, I want you to say “now.”

  A: Now.

  Q: Good. And would you like to tell me what you see.

  A: We are at Bob’s.

  Q: Bob who?

  A: It’s a restaurant. Bob’s Hamburger Heaven. It’s where we used to hang out.

  Q: Who do you mean when you say “we,” Esther?

  A: My friends.

  Q: Do you mean the Cobras?

  A: Some members.

  Q: Billy and Bobby Coolidge?

  A: I knew them.

  Q: What did you do with the Cobras?

  A: I don’t know.

  Q: Did you ever do anything bad with them?

  A: Bad?

  Q: Against the law.

  A: We robbed the miniature golf once.

  Q: Tell me about that. When was that?

  A: In ’59. In July. There were three boys and me. They robbed the place, then we found we were going to get caught, so they drove the car down the hill. It belonged to one of the boys’ brothers. And we were speeding as fast as we could down this curvy road and there were police cars following us and one went in a ditch. We made it all the way down the hill, then we went the wrong way on a one-way street and about five cars finally stopped us.

  Q: Police cars?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Were you scared?

  A: Oh, yeah. I couldn’t look half the time.

  Q: What happened to you?

  A: Well, I was young, you know, so they just let me go with Mom. But they kept me at detention for a while.

  Q: Why did you do that-rob that place?

  A: I was pretty drunk and I could never remember it all. Even in court. I had to testify, but I could never remember if we knew what was gonna happen. We were all plowed. All I know was Bones went to the place where you pay and held a knife at the woman’s neck and threatened to rip it. He didn’t hurt her though. I think it was all spur of the moment. We were like that then. Live for the moment. The Cobras were always saying something like that.

  Q: Did it frighten you to get arrested?

  A: I wasn’t scared of being arrested. I’d been arrested before. I was scared of detention. I didn’t like that.

  Q: What’s “detention”?

  A: Where they keep you if you’re a juvenile. I didn’t like being locked up.

  Q: When were you arrested before?

  A: When I stabbed that boy.

  Q: You stabbed someone?

  A: Andy Trask.

  Q: Andy Trask?

  A: It was a pocketknife that I carried in my pocket. I didn’t really hurt him bad. I just scared him. They let me go when Momma came.

  Q: Why did you stab him?

  A: It was at a school hop and he wanted to get smart with me and I wouldn’t let him.

  Q: What do you mean, “get smart”?

  A: You know, feel me up and such. I…He scared me.

  Q: Didn’t you like it when he wanted to touch you?

  A: I liked that he wanted to…That he wanted me, but not how he did it.

  Q: How did he do it?

  A: He was rough, like my…like George. He tried to push me down in the back seat of his car.

  Q: Who is George?

  A: My…my stepfather…He would be drunk, you know, and he would beat Momma, then make her, you know, do it and we would have to watch. He would make us.

  He was just out of his mind. That was why Momma left him. She could take it, but she was scared for us.

  Q: And this boy was like your stepfather?

  A: He was drinking, then he pushed me and ordered me. I like boys to be gentle. To say I’m pretty. I’m not…

  Q: Okay, Esther, you can relax. I can see that this is upsetting to you, so let’s go on. Do you think you can do that?

  (NOD)

  Q: Okay. Let’s push ahead now. Let’s think about late 1960 and just let things come to mind. Can you still see the movie screen? Good. Now keep watching it and pretty soon the scene will wipe out and a new scene will come on, a little later in the year. In November. You can see a party on the screen. Do you see it?

  A: All I can see is a Christmas party.

  Q: Well, Esther, we have discussed this party before. This is the one at Alice Fay’s house. I want you to see Alice’s house on the screen. The thick carpets that you walked on. Do you remember? It felt like walking on clouds.

  A: Yes.

  Q: You can take your shoes off and walk around in it. How does it feel?

  A: Like floating. Like I’m in the sky.

  Q: Good. You’re smiling. Are there other people there?

  A: Oh, sure. It’s a party.

  Q: What are they doing, Esther?

  A: Dancing. Having fun.

  Q: Who are you with, Esther?

  A: Roger. And Billy and Bobby Coolidge are there too.

  Q: Who is Roger?

  A: Roger Hessey. He’s my boyfriend…was my boyfriend, then.

  Q: Going steady?

  A: Just…we dated.

  Q: Did Roger stay through the whole party?

  A: No. He left when the trouble started.

  Q: What trouble?

&nb
sp; A: Billy started some trouble.

  Q: What did he do?

  A: He was fighting. Roger didn’t want to fight, so he left.

  Q: Why didn’t you go with Roger?

  A: I don’t know.

  ROY SHINDLER: Billy used a knife when he fought, didn’t he?

  A: I don’t remember.

  Q: Look at the screen, Esther. Can you see the room in Alice’s house where the party is?

  A: Yes.

  Q: Do you see yourself and Billy and Bobby with all the other people?

  A: I can see that.

  Q: You see Tommy Cooper, too, don’t you? See him on the screen?

  A: I…

  Q: Just relax and look hard. You’ll see Tommy and Alice by the punch bowl and Bobby and Billy there, too. Tell me when you can see that.

  A: I can see them.

  Q: Tell me about the fight. On the screen, Tommy and Billy are fighting, aren’t they?

  A: I can’t see the fight. Honest. It was very fast.

  Q: But you can see Billy with the knife, can’t you? Look on the screen. See the table with the punch bowl. Billy is standing in front of it, isn’t he?

  A: Yes.

  Q: How is he dressed?

  A: His colors. His black leather jacket with Cobras on the back. And blue jeans. Tight ones.

  Q: You see that clearly?

  A: Billy always dressed like that.

  Q: Okay. And you see the knife. The switchblade knife in his hand?

  A: I don’t…I can’t see that.

  Q: Billy had a knife like that, didn’t he Esther? Didn’t he show it around all the time?

  A: I…It’s been a long time.

  DR. HOLLANDER: Relax, Esther. There is no need to get upset. Remember, you are looking at a movie screen. Things that happen on a movie screen cannot hurt you, can they?

  A: No.

  Q: Good. And I am here to help you, aren’t I?

  A: Yes.

  Q: I have helped you to become the strong, confident woman you have always wanted to be, haven’t I? Like I promised you. Isn’t that so?

  A: Yes.

  Q: And you feel confident and strong now, don’t you?

  A: I…

  Q: How do you feel now, Esther?

  A: Scared.

  Q: Okay. Then I want you to alert yourself.

  A: Okay.

  Q: One, two, three, all right.

  A: I was thinking about unhappy things.

  Q: I know. You said you were scared. What scared you?

  A: I don’t know. I’m not sleeping too good. I had a dream last night…

  Q: The same dream you told me about a few weeks ago?

  A: Uh-huh. And I feel bad when I’m awake. You’ve been so nice to me. Like, I know you want me to remember, and I try, but I wish I didn’t have to go back.

  Q: You don’t have to go back, Esther. We can’t force you to come here.

  A: I know.

  Q: When you are home, do you practice what I told you when you get upset or scared?

  A: You mean, remembering your fingers on my wrist?

  Q: Yes.

  A: I try. Sometimes it’s hard to concentrate. The baby is so demanding and I have housework.

  Q: That’s when you should do it. When you feel the pressure. That is when it will help you the most.

  A: I know and I do try sometimes. It’s just that I get upset. I know it’s all inside me. In there. I want to get it out.

  Q: Well, you’ll do that. Now relax and get comfortable. Feel those fingers caressing your wrist. Your hand growing light as a feather. I want you to feel, in your whole body, the feeling that every day you are finding yourself a little more like the person you really want to be…

  ROY SHINDLER: You remember Billy taking the wine. You remember that, don’t you, Esther?

  A: Yes.

  Q: Then you drank the wine in the car. Can you see that, Esther?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: How long were you drinking the wine?

  A: Gee, I don’t know. You know how you get when you drink too much. I got tired and time got all stretched out.

  Q: Then you go cruising downtown, don’t you?

  A: I think so.

  Q: And you are on Monroe now. Can you see Monroe?

  A: I can see Monroe, but I’m not…I don’t remember if…

  Q: But you had to go on Monroe to get home, didn’t you?

  A: No. Usually I would go to Marshall Road from downtown.

  Q: But you could go that way?

  A: Yes.

  (WHISPERING)

  Q: Okay, Esther, I want you to picture Monroe Boulevard in your mind and I want you to tell us what you see on Monroe Boulevard. Now this is in November, 1960.

  A: Well, I can’t remember being there that night.

  Q: What night?

  A: When the…The murder, you know.

  DR. HOLLANDER: That’s okay, Esther. You can pretend that you are there. See Monroe Boulevard on the movie screen. Can you see it?

  A: Yes.

  Q: Okay. Now what do you see?

  A: Not much. Just some stores, you know.

  (WHISPERING)

  Q: Yes. What kind of car are you in?

  A: What do you want me to say?

  Q: Just the truth. What do you see on the screen?

  A: Well, I’m really…I don’t see myself in a car.

  ROY SHINDLER: What kind of a car did Bobby and Billy Coolidge have?

  A: Gee, I can’t…A Dodge or a Ford. Something like that.

  Q: What color was it?

  A: Uh, dark blue or black. Some dark color.

  Q: You know what car Richie drove, don’t you?

  A: I don’t remember the make.

  Q: But you know it.

  A: It was the hottest car in school. I was with Billy and Bobby once when they dragged it.

  Q: With them? Was anyone else along?

  A: I don’t think so.

  Q: Did you usually go out alone with the Coolidges?

  A: There might have been someone else. Probably Roger. I don’t remember, because it was so long ago.

  Q: What happened during the drag race?

  A: Just a drag race.

  Q: There was no accident?

  A: Not…I don’t think so.

  Q: What were you going to say?

  A: Pardon?

  Q: You started by saying “not.” Were you going to say “not then”? Was there another time when you were with the Coolidges and they dragged Richie and there was an accident?

  A: I don’t think so.

  Q: Don’t think so or there wasn’t?

  A: I don’t know. I’m all confused. I would remember an accident, wouldn’t I?

  Q: You told me that you couldn’t remember what happened that night, because you were drunk.

  A: Yes.

  Q: So there could have been a drag race with Richie on Monroe.

  A: I’m awful tired. I don’t think I’ll be any good anymore today.

  “You’re very quiet this evening,” Shindler said.

  Esther turned away from the window and looked at Shindler. He was smiling. It made her feel worse. She knew that she was letting them down by not remembering and here he was, being so kind to her, as if it didn’t matter.

  “I’m just tired,” she said.

  “I can understand that. These sessions must not be very pleasant for you. Both Dr. Hollander and I appreciate how hard you’re trying.”

  Shindler eased the car into the exit lane of the freeway and Esther stared down at her hands. She was tired and she was low. The thought of spending the night in her apartment, alone, left her empty inside. She wished she didn’t get so depressed after the sessions. She looked forward to them so much that each time they ended she felt as if she had lost something.

  The apartment house loomed ahead and Esther let her eyelids close for a moment. Roy parked in front of the door. She didn’t want him to leave her. She remembered that he had mentioned that he was hungry earli
er. She wondered…

  “Do you…? Would you want to come in? I could fix some spaghetti.”

  Shindler was surprised by the invitation, but pleased that she had given it. During the last few sessions he had noticed that she was less tense in his presence.

  She expected him to turn her down. It was foolish anyway. She was a poor cook. What would they talk about? She began to regret that she had asked him. Then he accepted and she was terrified that the evening would be a disaster.

  Shindler paid the baby-sitter and Esther went into the kitchen to cook the meal. The baby was asleep for the night. Shindler asked her if there was a store nearby where he could buy some wine. Esther didn’t know. She didn’t buy wine like that for drinking with a meal. She felt foolish. Shindler said he would go out and find a store. When he was gone, she changed into the outfit he had purchased for her. She did not realize how inappropriate it looked for the occasion.

  “You look very nice,” Shindler said when he returned. She blushed, the reaction he had been hoping for. She was so easy to manipulate. Most people were, if you had the time to study them.

  Esther set the table and Shindler poured the wine. She felt that everything she was doing was wrong. Besides John, she had never really cooked for a man. Never had the type of relationship with a man that would call for that type of occasion. It had been mostly country and western bar dates, then back to someone’s bedroom in some motel or maybe not even the preliminary hours at the bar. And she had never been with anyone like Shindler. He was so intelligent and he talked at times about things that she didn’t understand.

  “Are you feeling better?” he asked her after they had finished eating. The wine had relaxed her and made her a little giddy.

  “I’m feeling good,” she replied. He helped her carry the dishes into the narrow kitchen and their hips touched. The feel of him that close excited her and he noticed the reaction.

  “You look very pretty tonight,” he said.

  “Thank you,” she said and looked away from him, frightened by the thoughts that were suddenly flooding her. She remembered her dream and felt guilty about the desire she felt. She started to wash a dish, to distract herself, but he took it out of her hands and turned off the water. She looked up at him. He was so tall. He was ugly, yet she did not see that. She saw what he wanted her to see. What she wanted to see. A father to take care of her. Someone to tell her what to do.