Heartstone

by Phillip Margolin

  He stroked her hair. This was so easy.

  “You wore this dress specially for me?”

  She answered him in a whisper so low he could barely hear her. He stroked her chin and lifted it gently so that she had to look at his eyes.

  He took her hand and led her, like a child, into the bedroom. Her heart was pounding so loudly she was certain that he could hear. She felt like liquid inside. He removed her clothes and she knew if he touched her, she would melt away.

  Shindler made her lie on the bed and ran his hand across her body. Her breasts were full and her nipples taut. He was becoming aroused, but even his desire was under control. Her eyes were closed tight and he watched her clinically.

  Esther moaned and arched under his touch. He was above her and in her and around her. The pleasure was unbearable. It had never been like this for her before. With other men, even John, there had been the smell of sweat and a knowledge of where she was every moment that they were inside her. With Roy, she was lost.

  Shindler felt her quiver and relax. He came and stayed inside her. She was crying. He kissed her and held her. Her tears mingled with the sweat on his shoulder. He soothed her and petted her, as if she was a dog. It would be much easier now.

  7

  “Look, Ted, the Communists have got to be stopped. I would rather do it in Vietnam than Disneyland.”

  “Jesus, I don’t believe this,” Ted Wolberg said. “Who writes your scripts, the John Birch Society?”

  Ted and Bobby Coolidge were passing the time at George Rasmussen’s apartment. As usual, Ted and George were arguing about the war. Bobby was paying little attention to what was being said, because he had heard it all before. It seemed that all anyone ever talked about anymore was Vietnam.

  “What do you think, Bobby?” Ted asked.

  Bobby looked at Ted. He did not like to get drawn into academic discussions, because he did not feel secure enough yet to venture into the intellectual arena. He never spoke in class. With his friends, he was a listener. The trouble was, with Vietnam the topic, he was considered the resident expert. He was always being put on the spot and he was expected to be knowledgeable in every area connected with the war. In fact, he knew less about Vietnam and its history and politics than George, who had spent his army time in Washington, D. C., or Ted, whose hobby was Far Eastern studies and who was a political science major.

  “I think you’re both right, in a way,” he answered cautiously. “I don’t think we should be over there…”)

  “See,” Ted interrupted. “That’s just what the two P.O.W.s who were just released said.”

  “…but I don’t agree when you say that the country is like Nazi Germany. I mean, there aren’t any secret police coming to take you away for your clearly subversive statements, are there?”

  “You are being fooled by the repressive tolerance practiced by the military-industrial complex that runs this country. Marcuse says…”

  “Who?” George asked.

  Ted was about to answer when the doorbell rang. George answered it and returned to the living room with Sarah. She had a letter in her hand. When he saw it, Bobby’s heart started to pound and his lips felt suddenly dry. The envelope looked like the type the school used to send out grades. It was intersession and Bobby had been expecting his final first semester marks all week.

  He expected the worst and he realized that he did not want his friends finding out, if his grades were poor.

  “Uh, George, can I talk to Sarah in your bedroom?”

  “Sure, just clean up before you leave.”

  “You’re a pig, George,” Sarah said, following Bobby down the corridor to George’s bedroom.

  “Well?” Bobby asked nervously, when the door was closed. She looked at him without expression for a moment and his heart sank. Then she burst into laughter and flung her arms around his neck.

  “You made Dean’s List, you dummy. I’m so proud.”

  He tried to untangle himself from her. What she had said had not sunk in.

  “What?” he asked, when he had peeled her off and was holding her at arm’s length.

  “Dean’s List,” she shouted. “Three As, a B-plus, and a C-plus in math.”

  “You’re shitting me?”

  “If you could see how you look, you idiot.”

  “Dean’s List. Oh, wow! Hey, that’s not possible.”

  He walked back and forth, looking at the grade sheet. It was there in black and white.

  “Look, you get real pretty tonight. I am going to take you out on the town.”

  “You don’t have to do that, Bobby,” she said, knowing how tight his cash was.

  “To hell with that. You don’t know what this means to me, Sarah. All my life I always thought that I was stupid. That I would never amount to anything. You don’t know how scared I’ve been in school. I almost quit a dozen times.”

  She did not say anything, but she knew. She had heard him moaning in the night, seen him sweating over his books, cheered him up when he was too disheartened to go on.

  “You know, this is the turning point in my life, Sarah. I won’t go back, ever again.”

  TAPE # 8

  DR. ARTHUR HOLLANDER: I’m glad to see you looking so well, Esther.

  ESTHER PEGALOSI: I’ve been feeling so good these last few weeks.

  Q: Why do you think that is?

  A: I…You know, I think it’s the…these meetings and doing the trance at home. I’ve been really trying and practicing and everything seems so much better.

  Q: In what ways?

  A: Well, my baby, you know, I used to, well, not hate him, but I felt he tied me down. Sometimes I thought that he was a punishment.

  Q: A punishment for what?

  A: I don’t know. For losing John, my husband, maybe. I know that doesn’t make sense, but I felt that if I hadn’t had the baby, John would have stayed with me.

  Q: You felt that your husband left because of the baby?

  A: Well, I know that’s wrong now. I mean he would have split eventually anyway. But, I thought…I blamed it on the baby, if you see what I mean.

  Q: But you don’t now?

  A: No, I…Well, how could I? I mean, he’s just a baby. But before I started seeing you and thinking about myself, and what kind of person I am, I never realized about John and the baby.

  Q: So you feel differently about your son now?

  A: Yes. I…I love him. I mean, I don’t think I did before. But now, I sit and watch him. I hug and kiss him more. And he’s gotten so much quieter. Less demanding.

  Q: Do you think that’s because he can sense your change of attitude?

  A: Well, I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. He might.

  Q: And you say there are other changes?

  A: Well, you know we always talk about becoming the kind of person I want to be. Well, I feel like that is happening.

  Q: How can you tell?

  A: I’m more quieter now, less scared. When I feel nervous, I relax and think of my wrist and I quiet down, then I think about what is scaring me and I can usually figure it out-how to do it.

  Q: Well, I am pleased to hear this and I am pleased that I…that you feel that I have been of some help to you.

  A: Well, I am very grateful and I wanted to tell you.

  Q: Thank you.

  A: And, Doctor, I have been thinking all this week and I have decided that I am going to really try this time to remember, because I know there is something there and I am going to try not to fight it.

  Q: Good! I am glad to hear you talk like this. To see you change from a frightened girl into a strong, confident young woman. And I am going to help you along, because today we are going to try something new to help you, if you agree.

  A: What’s that?

  Q: I am going to inject you with sodium amytal. Remember how we talked about the guards your subconscious mind erects whenever we get close to the crucial times?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Well, sodium amytal will put
you into a half-sleeping state and reduce your conscious awareness. You will feel sort of drunk and this will make it more difficult for those guards to protect you from your own memories, just like you do things more slowly when you are drunk. Do you understand?

  A: I think so.

  Q: Do I have your permission to try the drug?

  A: Yes, if you think it will help.

  Q: Okay. Then we will induce hypnosis as we always have and I will fortify that with the amytal and then we will picture the movie screen again.

  A: You know, at home, I try the screen. I picture it and I see so many crazy things. You know that’s really bothering me. I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill by imagining something that didn’t happen.

  Q: Well, we won’t let that happen. The reason we use the screen is so you don’t have to be involved. It takes you out of it. You’re watching it, like you are watching a movie, and while you are involved a little bit, it isn’t…you feel sorry for the heroine that the hero doesn’t kiss her or anything, but it isn’t quite the same. You can report what is happening, but you don’t get a personal reaction like you would if you were thinking about something that happened in the past to you. You don’t feel as threatened.

  A: I can see that. I was just afraid of making things up, since it is like a movie.

  Q: Well, you aren’t, are you?

  A: Oh, no!

  Q: Okay, then. Now, let’s get started. I think I will let you lie down on the couch this time, so make yourself comfortable.

  A: Could I have a pillow for my head?

  Q: Certainly. Get yourself in the most comfortable position you can. Now after you are in the trance and I give you the amytal, I will ask you to count backward. And when we get to a certain point I will know it has taken effect.

  A: Will I be asleep?

  Q: You will feel a little drunk and sleepy, but I don’t expect that you will feel anymore asleep than you were before. You might not remember as much afterward.

  Now take a real deep breath and relax. Do that two or three times. Just let yourself relax and when you are ready, why, you can hold your hand up in front of your eyes.

  (PAUSE)

  Okay. In a second you will feel a little punchy. We will be injecting the medication and you will feel even more drowsy than you feel at the present time. As I inject the medication, I want you to start counting backward from 100. Now. 100.

  A: 100.

  Q: 99. That’s it…That’s just fine. And as you continue drifting deeper, go ahead counting.

  A: 80, 79, 78, 77, 76, 75, 74, 73, 72, 71.

  Q: That’s good, and you can relax now and you can begin to remember important things. The events of that November evening in 1960 are becoming very clear. And as you begin to recall these events, feeling comfortable and very sure of yourself and relaxed, you find it easy to mention them, knowing that you can forget, you can remember or you can misremember as your personality needs require.

  That’s it. Let’s talk about that evening as best you recall each episode. Pleasant feeling, isn’t it? Just review that evening in your mind.

  A: Have I finished counting my numbers?

  Q: Yes. You can tell me what is in your mind.

  A: I don’t really have anything in my mind.

  Q: Can you recall that evening? Anything about it, like being at Bob’s Hamburgers?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: And you decided to go to Alice Fay’s party.

  A: I didn’t, uh-uh.

  Q: Huh?

  A: I didn’t.

  Q: You didn’t? Well, what did you do?

  A: I had a shake. Billy decided to crash.

  Q: I see. And then what?

  A: I don’t know.

  Q: Didn’t you go to the party?

  A: Yes.

  Q: This was at Alice Fay’s, right?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: There was a fight at the party, wasn’t there?

  A: Yes.

  Q: Who fought?

  A: Billy and Bobby and Tommy Cooper and some boys I didn’t know.

  Q: And Billy pulled a knife?

  A: Yes.

  Q: You remember that?

  A: Yes.

  Q: You can see that clearly on the screen?

  A: I can see it.

  Q: How is Billy when he leaves the party?

  A: Angry.

  Q: At Tommy Cooper?

  A: At rich kids.

  Q: Why rich kids?

  A: He yelled at me.

  Q: Who? Billy?

  A: Uh-huh. It scared me.

  Q: What did he say?

  A: It was how he hated rich kids and they didn’t have to work like him.

  Q: He said that after you left the party?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Good. You are really starting to remember. I am very proud of you. Now, where did you go from the party?

  A: Uh, to the store.

  Q: Where?

  A: It’s open at night. Billy swiped some wine.

  Q: How much?

  A: A couple of bottles. And there was some in the car already.

  Q: What kind of wine?

  A: Cheap stuff. It made me sick later. It was so sweet.

  Q: Where did you drink the wine?

  A: On some side street, I think. Maybe it was near a park or a schoolyard.

  Q: A park or a schoolyard?

  A: Well, there weren’t houses around, you know. That’s why we went there, so no one would see us.

  Q: Where do you go after you drink the wine?

  A: It’s fuzzy. Home?

  Q: Do you…? Look at the screen, Esther. Do you see a drag race where someone forced your car to spin around?

  A: Gee, there were a lot of drag races.

  Q: In this one, you were riding with Billy and Bobby and somebody came along and caused your car to spin around. You are on Monroe Boulevard.

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Do you recall that?

  A: Billy got mad.

  Q: Why did Billy get mad?

  A: Huh?

  Q: Why is Billy mad?

  A: I don’t know.

  Q: What does Billy do now that he is mad?

  A: He followed the car.

  Q: This is Richie’s car?

  A: I didn’t say that.

  Q: Do you remember?

  A: No.

  Q: But you know what Richie’s car looks like? You can see it on the screen?

  A: Yes.

  Q: Could the car that forced you off of the road have been Richie’s?

  A: I’m not sure.

  Q: Is it possible?

  A: It’s possible.

  Q: Okay, so Billy followed the car. Where does he go?

  A: I guess I went home.

  Q: You think you went home?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: In Billy’s car?

  A: I don’t remember.

  Q: All right. You think a little deeper. You will remember. You are there. You were there. You can remember. You are in Billy’s car. You are on Monroe. You start driving. Do you go into the park?

  A: Maybe.

  Q: Okay. And you are driving up a hill. Do you go past a place with a fireplace and picnic benches?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Did the other car go past there?

  A: I don’t know.

  Q: But you were following them?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Who else is with you in the car?

  A: Bobby.

  Q: Anyone else?

  A: Maybe Roger.

  Q: Roger Hessey?

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Didn’t you tell us he left shortly after you arrived at Alice Fay’s?

  A: I guess so.

  Q: So he couldn’t have been in the car. Look on the screen. Let your mind review that evening. Picture inside Billy’s car. Do you see it?

  A: Yes.

  Q: Okay. Is Roger there-in the park?

  A: No.

  Q: Okay. Now, you and Billy and Bobby are in Billy’s
car and you are following the other car and you go past the place in the park with the fireplace and the picnic benches. Now what happens? Tell me what happens, Esther. You are past the place with the fireplace. Tell me what happens. Billy is mad. You are following that car. It is at night. What happens?

  A: I saw it.

  Q: You saw it?

  A: I saw the car.

  Q: Okay. What happens after you see it?

  A: Didn’t I tell you something?

  Q: Yes, you have. You have been telling me.

  A: I am waking up.

  Q: Yes, I know you are.

  A: I thought I was sleeping.

  Q: You were sleeping a bit. Now you told me you were following the car and you went past this place in Lookout Park with a fireplace and benches and you saw the car.

  A: Did I say that?

  Q: Yes, you did, Esther. This car ran you off the road and Billy got mad. He was mad before, after the fight.

  A: Did I say that?

  Q: Yes, Esther. I can play the tape back if you wish.

  A: I think I need some more of that stuff.

  Q: You think you need more sodium amytal?

  A: Yeah. Didn’t I tell you something when I had it?

  Q: Yes. You told me a lot of interesting things. But we didn’t get far enough.

  A: Okay. Well, give me some more.

  Q: That’s it. It is pleasant. Now you can just go ahead. We can protect you here. Nothing can happen to you, if you tell what happened. The truth.

  A: Tell me what I said.

  Q: You said that this car forced you off the road and Billy chased it into the park. Then you saw the car after a place with a fireplace and benches in the park.

  A: Gee, I said that? Doctor, I know I am drowsy, but could you give me some more?

  Q: I just did.

  A: Oh. I’m sorry. I don’t remember what I was talking about.

  Q: You were with Billy and Bobby in the car.

  A: I’m supposed to say Billy?

  Q: You are supposed to say Billy.

  A: Uh-huh.

  Q: Well, you are supposed to say what actually happens.

  A: Right.

  Q: Were Billy and Bobby there?

  A: Uh-huh. I’m telling you the truth.

  Q: Billy and Bobby were with you?