Jock

by CM Foss

  That was it. I lost it. Back down in the straw, on my knees, doubled over in laughter. She stood over me, fists on her hips, not even cracking a smile.

  “I’m waiting.” She tapped her foot.

  “For what?”

  “For you to say sorry.”

  I stood, pushing her gently out of the stall ahead of me. “How ’bout I say sorry when you say sorry?”

  She threw her hands in the air. “But I’m not sorry.”

  I snorted again. “Well then, neither am I.”

  Chapter 3

  2004

  “Oh God. I can’t… Shit. Fuck. Shit fuck.”

  Men weren’t supposed to cry. But I was. Crying laughing as Lawrence got an enormous tattoo on his side. And I mean enormous. Fuck, it looked like it hurt. It sounded like it hurt too. His face was red, his ears were red, his eyes were watering. Or so he said. Pretty sure those were real tears.

  Shane and I looked the same, except from laughing.

  “Mom is going to kill you.” Shane didn’t even try to act apologetic. It was all his idea, his bet. It started years ago when he wanted to join the military and Lawrence didn’t think their mom would let him.

  Guess who lost?

  Still, I could see the pride in Shane’s eyes, watching his brother get inked with the flag of the country Shane himself would be leaving to fight for. The thought sobered me. Shane would ship out for his first tour overseas in just a couple of days. I really couldn’t imagine what he was thinking about. What his family was thinking about. He was as close to an older brother as I’d ever have. Lawrence didn’t count. He was only born a few months before me.

  “Your mom really is gonna kill you, dude. Both of you.”

  Shane nudged my shoulder with his. Lawrence couldn’t respond. His eyes were squeezed shut against the pain. “She’s gonna kill you too, you know?”

  “Me? Why me?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “You’re here, aren’t you?”

  I crossed my arms over my chest. “Yeah, but I’m not related. I’m a guest.”

  “Nah, man. You’re family. Always have been.”

  I looked down at my shoes, unwilling to admit just how much his words meant to me. These guys were my brothers. I just wasn’t sure they felt the same. They didn’t have to.

  “You gotta keep an eye on things while I’m gone.”

  I snapped my head back up. “What?”

  “You’re the responsible one.” He nodded at Lawrence lying shirtless on a pleather chair. “Case in point.”

  I started to laugh, but he stopped me with a look. Only Shane could do that. “I mean it. Especially when it comes to Tessa. She’s my girl and this’ll be toughest on her. She’s gonna pull shit and act tough and probably get hurt doing it.”

  I ran a hand through my hair, my stomach clenching as I thought to the months ahead. “What is wrong with you people? Aren’t there enough of you without having to add extra people? You’re all terrifying. And I thought single-digit Tessa was bad. Double-digit freaks my shit out.”

  He clapped me on the back, hard. I had to step forward to keep from going over. “It’s only gonna get worse from here. Trust me. I saw it all with Jeanine and Julie. Now it’s starting with Chrissy. I don’t envy you.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he kept going before I had a chance. “Actually I do.” He nodded, lips pursed. “I really do.”

  An unfamiliar and embarrassing burning sensation pushed at the backs of my eyes as I watched him, listened to him. And I realized then that I would do anything for him, sacrifice anything for him, including my sanity, while he was sacrificing himself.

  “Just come home, okay?”

  The corner of his mouth lifted in a wry smile, and he held out his fist to bump knuckles. But he didn’t say another word about it.

  “Midge? You in here?” The bulb was out in the stall, and I could barely see the hand in front of my face. But I knew she was in there, back in the corner. Her spot.

  “I’m fine, Jace. I just needed a minute.”

  I heard her rustling around, no doubt wiping her cheeks and nose. “It’s been more than a minute.”

  Her voice hardened, each consonant more crisp than the last. “Then I need more than a minute.”

  “Everybody’s waiting, little one.”

  “No, they’re not.”

  She had me there. No one was waiting. The party was still strong.

  “Well, I was worried.” I lowered myself beside her, as I had over a dozen times at this point in our lives, resigned to the discomfort.

  “I’m good. Thanks for checking though.”

  “Yeah.” I took a deep breath and let it out in a whoosh, enjoying the moment of peace the barn lent. You could hear the air.

  “You wanted to get away too, huh?”

  I smiled in the darkness. “Yeah.”

  “There’s too much happy up there. I’m not… I’m not happy.”

  “Shane is happy.”

  “Is he? You think?”

  “Yeah. I think he is. No one’s forcing him into this. He wants to go.”

  “No. He doesn’t want to go. He wants to fight. He wants to matter. He doesn’t want to go. He just will. Because to fight and to do things that matter, sometimes you have to go.”

  I nodded, the barn silent save for the occasional stomp and whinny from a nearby horse. This ten-year-old had more depth than me.

  “Yep. But then… you come back.”

  “Do you?”

  I shrugged. I never could lie to her. “Hopefully.”

  She tossed a handful of straw into the air, watching it catch the small amounts of light from the stars that filtered through the windows. “Yeah. Hopefully.”

  Chapter 4

  2008

  “Hey, man. What are we doing tonight?” I flopped on the couch at Lawrence’s parents’ house, ready for an easy night.

  In two weeks, finals would start up and I’d graduate college and then real life would begin. Lawrence had opted out of school, instead completely immersing himself in the family business, so we didn’t get to hang like we used to. See? Growing up sucked.

  He handed me a beer, grabbed the remote, and started flipping channels. “Not much. Girls are coming over. We can go out or stay in.”

  I groaned audibly, twisting my fingers into my too-long hair and giving it a tug to wake myself up. “Which girls?”

  His eyes went up and to the left a minute as he thought, and my shoulders started to shake as I saw him rifling through his mental catalog. “Jessica and Linda.”

  I squinted at him. “Chrissy’s friends?”

  He shrugged. “Dude, there’s not a girl around here who isn’t a friend of one of my sisters. I can’t put those sorts of conditions on a relationship.”

  “A what?”

  “Or a whatever. You know what I mean.”

  I laughed again and smacked the back of his newly buzzed head. “Think one of ’em will be into this melon of yours?”

  “Probably at least one.”

  I snorted. “Where do you wanna go?”

  “Doesn’t matter. We just need to be here when Tessa gets back from her date.”

  I froze, all joking around sucked out of me. “Her what?”

  “Oh, you know what I mean.”

  No. No, I really didn’t. “The fuck I do. She’s fourteen.”

  “She’s with friends. And one is a boy. I guess they’ll hold hands and shit.”

  I snatched the remote from him and turned the television off. “How old is this boy?”

  “I’m assuming the same age as she is.”

  “Right. And what were you trying for when you were fourteen?”

  “The same thing I’m trying for now, just unsuccessfully. I’m sure this dude’ll have the same luck.”

  “How can you be so calm?”

  He looked at me, annoyance clear in his features. “Because it’s Tessa. She’s not gonna let anything happen to her that she doesn’t want.”

  I wat
ched in smug glee as his eyes widened when the reality of his statement hit him.

  “Shit.” He jumped off the couch right when the doorbell rang.

  Tessa bounded down the steps, hesitating only for a moment when she saw the two of us standing guard. I sighed with relief when I took in her jeans and tank top. A hoodie might have been better, but it was hot outside. At least she wasn’t wearing a dress. I felt better with her as covered as possible.

  “What’s going on?” She wrinkled her nose and looked between Lawrence and me.

  “We wanna meet this dude,” her brother said.

  She rolled her eyes. “No.”

  I stepped to the door and grasped the handle. “Yes.”

  She jumped forward, shoving me hard with her shoulder, barely budging me but still leaving a bruise. “Get out of here.” She was grunting with exertion. “If you embarrass me in front of my friends, I will murder you in your sleep.”

  I picked her up with one arm, slinging her over my shoulder and setting her down halfway through the hall while Lawrence flung open the door. Tessa glared at me, her blue eyes piercing with indignation.

  “Has to be done, Midge.”

  She blew out a breath, nostrils flaring. I was mildly afraid fire would come out. But it was too late. Lawrence was already talking. I kept one ear tuned in to his conversation while the rest of me concentrated on the trouble standing in front of me. Well, pretty much below me.

  “Are you gonna grow any taller?”

  “Shut up, Jace.”

  I smirked at her and crossed my arms in front of my chest. “Where are you going tonight?”

  “None of your business.”

  “Is too my business.”

  “Wow. That’s real mature. You learn that in college?”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You’ll probably never know.”

  “That’s true.” She shrugged. “I could never handle that much school.”

  “It couldn’t handle you. That’s the problem.”

  “I can handle myself, so it’s a nonissue.”

  I pointed my finger at her. “Listen, Midge, you better handle yourself, and don’t let that piece of shit out there try anything.”

  She shoved at my chest. “You don’t even know him. How can you call him names?”

  “Every fourteen-year-old boy is a piece of shit.”

  “Well, he’s sixteen. So there.”

  I buried my face in my hands and groaned. “You have to be fucking kidding me. I can’t take this. When does Shane get home?”

  She patted me on the shoulder and brushed past. I could hear the smile in her voice. “Two more months.”

  “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m pretty sure he has the easier gig,” I called after her.

  She flipped me off over her shoulder but halted before she could get out the door. Lawrence was still talking to the boy on the front steps. From the looks of his red face and wide eyes, it was a talk he wouldn’t soon forget. Jessica and Linda were stepping out of their tiny red sports car, teetering on high heels and looking fairly ridiculous. To be completely honest, I didn’t know which one was which. They both had long, sleek dark hair that they never seemed to cease petting, they were the same size and height, and they wore the exact same makeup, so you couldn’t really see any distinguishing features. My plan was to avoid the use of their names until I could figure it out.

  I stepped up beside Tessa to see her staring at the girls, a look on her face I couldn’t quite read. Then she smiled up at me, her grin calculating and scary. Before I could stop her, she was gone, trotting up and cheerfully greeting her sister’s friends.

  I had to make a choice on whether or not I’d help them out or just watch and hope it ended soon.

  Tessa was throwing her hands in the air, talking with such animation I knew it was fake and probably not boding well for me. The girls were sending glances my way, beaming and nodding, their eyes filled with a dreamy glint.

  I realized then that I didn’t need to intervene on their behalf, but on my own. Catching Lawrence’s eye, I jerked my head for him to follow and jogged down the front steps.

  “Tessa, you should probably get going, don’t you think?” I prodded.

  She shrugged her shoulders. “I was just chatting with Jessica and Linda, waiting for Lawry to finish up with my date. It was the least I could do.”

  One of the girls nodded and walked to my side, sliding her arm around my waist. I tried not to grimace, but honestly, how fucking weird was that? I wasn’t sure what information Tessa had fed her though, and I didn’t want to make her feel bad, so I placed my hand at the small of her back, apparently giving her the express invitation to lean into me.

  “Tessa told us all about the plans for tonight. I can’t wait to see the pond in the moonlight.” She glanced down and back up coyly, continuing in a whisper. “It sounds so romantic.”

  I drew in a deep breath, tamping down my irritation with Tessa and allowing myself to feel only a smidge of admiration at her creativity. Gently extricating myself from the hold of the girl whose name I was unsure of, I gestured to the front door.

  “Why don’t you ladies go on in and make yourselves comfortable while we see Tessa off?”

  They tittered and giggled, linking arms to walk the twenty feet inside. It made my teeth hurt.

  I spun around to my little nemesis, pointing a finger at her. “Bad Midge.”

  Quick as a sprite, she grabbed my finger and bent it backward, causing me to instantly fall to my knees. “Shit.”

  “I’m not a dog. Say you’re sorry.”

  I didn’t answer right away, though I was really just gritting my teeth against the pain at the same time that I was trying not to laugh.

  She bent it farther. “Say it.”

  “Ouch. Shit. I’m sorry. I am.”

  “What are you sorry for?”

  My mind raced as I thought back. I was sorry for nothing except for my finger. I was very sorry for the finger. “Everything. You’re right, I’m wrong, and I’m sorry.”

  She released my hand, and I rolled over to lie on my back, groaning and cradling my arm. Lawrence walked over to peer down at me curiously. “She get your finger?”

  “Yes.” I started to sit up, just in time to see Tessa drive off with her friends.

  “Better you than me.”

  “You get the boy all straightened out?”

  “Actually, by the time I was done with him, he might have been reconsidering women altogether.”

  Chapter 5

  2010

  “Happy birthday, Midge.”

  I stood behind the girl who was fast becoming… less of a girl. Not that she was growing or anything.

  She spun around, jumping up on her toes to throw her arms around my neck. My eyes grew wide as my mind caught up to the fact that she was wearing makeup, her blond hair falling in waves over her shoulders. And she wore a dress. It was like I was in some parallel universe where the annoying brat I’d always known was turning less… bratty.

  “You came!”

  I pulled away and smiled at her. “Of course I did. Sweet sixteen. Couldn’t miss that.”

  She smacked my shoulder. Ah. There was the girl I remembered. “It’s fucking far from Dartmouth.”

  “Watch your mouth.”

  She rolled her eyes.

  She was right though. I was far from school. Yeah, I was still at school, halfway through my master’s program. I was mostly using it as an excuse to get my business plan organized.

  “So how’s it going?”

  I nodded, looking out over the sea of teenagers gathered at her party. “Good. Busy. Hopefully it pays off someday.”

  “It will.” She was smiling brightly, following my eyes around the room. “This is probably really lame for you.”

  “Of course not.”

  She pursed her lips and raised an eyebrow. “Really.”

  “Okay, your friends are lame. But you? Not so much.”

  “And cake.�
�

  “Cake is never lame. What kind are we talking?”

  “Chocolate.”

  “Meh.” I shrugged, unimpressed.

  “I know. It’s not my favorite either.”

  “What? I swear at every birthday I’ve been to of yours, you’ve had chocolate cake.”

  “And I’m pretty sure you’ve been to every birthday.”

  “Why do you keep getting chocolate cake then?”

  She lifted her shoulders and smiled over at her mom, who was laughing with a few other parents. “I don’t think she can keep track. I’ve stopped trying.”

  “What would your favorite be?”

  “Vanilla.”

  “Just plain vanilla?”

  She nodded thoughtfully.

  I laughed lightly. “You don’t seem the type.”

  “Well, with rainbow sprinkles, of course.”

  Now I snorted. “Isn’t that ice cream?”

  “Not for me.”

  “All right. Well, next year I’ll make sure you have what you want.”

  She was grinning, but that faded as we both turned when the doorbell rang. No one rang the bell at the Brookses’ house, and silence fell over the space. Something about the air felt wrong.

  Mrs. Brooks walked out of the living room and down the hall, her steps quick and clipped, efficient. Mr. Brooks followed behind, and Lawrence followed as well. Tessa was pale, frozen; her skin looked cold against the warmth of her hair.

  I heard the gasp, I glimpsed the uniform, and I saw Lawrence gesture with a nod to get his little sister the fuck out of there. But when I looked down, she was already gone. I walked over and gave a brief, firm hug to Lawrence, unable to speak but knowing that no words would come and no words were necessary. With that, I took off to find Tessa, knowing exactly where she’d be.

  I found her in the back of her usual stall, the sun setting but still leaving plenty of light to see. She’d kicked off her shoes and hitched her dress around her thighs to protect them from the straw. She was staring out at nothing in particular, evident from the blankness of her gaze.