Jock

by CM Foss

  “He’s dead, isn’t he?” Her voice was flat, void of emotion, though I knew it was roiling away inside her.

  I nodded as I sat beside her, balancing a tray on my lap.

  “You’d think we’d have known. Like, before. Or whenever it happened. I feel like I should have known.”

  “I know what you mean. I guess it doesn’t work that way.”

  “I’ve been celebrating, Jace. I’ve been celebrating and acting frivolous and thinking about my hair and clothes, and the entire time my brother was dead.”

  “You couldn’t have known. And you… you are something to celebrate. Shane would want that.”

  “No. Shane would want to celebrate with me.”

  I slung my arm around her shoulders, pulling her close and kissing the top of her head. Every muscle in her body was taut and rigid. Until it wasn’t. Until she collapsed and sobbed and sank. Farther and farther into my arms and into herself. By the end she felt smaller, which was hard to imagine.

  “I don’t know what to do, Midge. What can I do?” I was begging, pleading for some direction. While she let loose, I was trying so hard to stay strong. At the same time, I was tearing in two. Or so much more than two.

  Shane wasn’t my brother. Not really. But at the same time, he was. Completely.

  She began to calm, to breathe. And it was the first time I took in air myself. She straightened and leaned away from me, a rush of cool filling the space where she’d been. I watched her take control of herself, bolster herself, wiping her eyes and her nose.

  “I don’t understand how he can just be gone.”

  I reached over and wiped the errant mascara from her cheeks. “I don’t either. I’d like to think he’s not. He never really will be.”

  “Why did you bring the cake?” She sniffed.

  I shrugged, staring down at the enormous confection her mom had made. About half of it was gone, the icing smeared and smudged. “I honestly don’t know. It was an impulse.”

  “This doesn’t feel like a cake-eating moment.”

  “Oh I didn’t think we’d eat it.”

  She shifted to face me, a small crease developing between her eyebrows.

  I dug my fingers into the corner of the cake, grabbing a handful. Without taking my eyes off her, I threw it as hard as I could against the wall. It hit with a mildly satisfying smack, splattering across the boards.

  Her eyes grew wide, her lashes still wet from tears. “Hector’s going to kill you.”

  I held out the tray and gave it a wiggle. “I’ll clean it up, I promise. Come on. It won’t help much, but it’ll help a little.”

  Biting down on her lip, she gingerly reached out and took a piece in her fingertips.

  “Nuh-uh,” I said, covering her hand with mine and pushing down, squishing the frosting and cake between her fingers. Despite the sadness and grief bearing down on us, her mouth tilted in the barest of smiles, even while her nose wrinkled.

  “This is disgusting.”

  “Throw it.”

  “Really?”

  “You may as well now.”

  Twisting her lips and her eyes and really her entire face, she pulled her arm back and let it fly. A small scream left her lips as the food made contact with the wall, a resounding splat echoing around the quiet of the barn.

  So she did it again. And again. And again. Until I joined in.

  Until we were out of breath and cake and tears.

  Until it was quiet again. We sat there, messy and untouching, both panting. She stood, clearing her throat, hands held out to her sides, seemingly at a loss for what to do next. I could empathize.

  “I should go find my family. They must be…”

  “Yeah. You should go.”

  “Are you coming?”

  I looked over at the utter disaster we’d created. “I’ll clean up. You go.”

  “You sure?”

  I nodded to her with a smile meant to assure her, but she left with a scowl, watching me over her shoulder as she went.

  “Hey, you want your shoes?” I found them in the straw and picked them up, dangling the strappy sandals from my finger.

  She waved a hand over her head. “Nope.”

  A laugh escaped me as I tossed them aside, strangely happy to see the girl walking out of the barn barefoot. It seemed more… right.

  I watched her pad down the aisle, paying no attention to where she was stepping. As she reached the night air, she stopped and turned. “We’ll be all right, you know? We’re a strong family.”

  A lump settled in my throat, making it hard to swallow. We could barely see each other in the darkness that had fallen, but I knew she was looking right at me. So I just nodded in the absence of words.

  Chapter 6

  2010

  It was not the usual Brooks family Sunday. Even when Shane was deployed, even when his presence was missed and noted, there wasn’t this… hole. Laughter was never forced, conversation never stilted, awkward.

  Lawrence wanted me to come, otherwise I would have skipped. I was busy in school and didn’t need the weekend away from my studies. But when he asked, I was there. No question.

  I stood beside my friend, sipping on some of Kentucky’s finest, and watched the family over the rim of my glass. Mrs. Brooks wore a watery smile, but it was genuine. Only a woman like her would be capable of such a thing. Mr. Brooks looked uncomfortable, but he warmed every time he spoke to his wife. Jeanine was sober, gripping the hand of her fiancé, Adam. Julie and Chrissy were telling stories in the corner, reminiscing and laughing a little.

  Tessa was nowhere to be found.

  “Where’s the midget?” I asked.

  Lawrence blew out a breath. “Probably upstairs. She’ll come down when she’s ready.”

  “Think she’ll be ready?”

  He nodded. “Yeah.”

  “What about you? How are you¸ man?” I hadn’t seen him since the service.

  “I’m okay. Have to be, you know?” He clapped a heavy hand on my shoulder. “But it does suck.”

  “Yeah.”

  We nodded a few times in sync, in that way that only dudes and best friends can. Then we heard the rumble of footsteps coming down the stairs. Tessa tromped down in jeans and a loose shirt, her outfit at odds with the rest of the family’s conservative attire. She jumped off the second-to-last stair, landing lightly on her toes, and bypassed us to greet her parents, then her sisters. Everyone got a perfunctory kiss on the cheek before she got to us. Lawrence wrapped her in a bear hug, lifting her toes off the ground, and whispered something in her ear. She nodded to him, then turned to me.

  Maybe for the first time in our lives, she wasn’t making eye contact. In fact, she was looking at anything but my face. The air between us felt… thicker, the events from just a couple of weeks ago bringing us closer than we were before. Maybe closer than we should be.

  Pushing that thought aside, I tried to greet her like I always would, with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Pretty sure that’s how I’d always done it. When she stepped back, she opened her mouth to say something, then closed it quickly, looking over at her mom.

  “Mom, you need help in the kitchen?” Her words ran together, almost high-pitched in her need to get them out, or get out of here.

  I wanted to ask her about it, talk to her, but standing among the rest of her family, I didn’t feel that was my place. She had all sorts of appropriate people to speak with.

  Mrs. Brooks gave her a nod, and the two walked through the swinging door into the kitchen. I watched it swing and creak, back and forth. It always creaked, but I swear it was louder than usual.

  After a beat, Mr. Brooks cleared his throat. “Let’s all head in for dinner.”

  Well shit. Talk about a moment of dread. Nobody moved. Nobody wanted to go in.

  Countless dinners with Shane overseas had occurred in that dining room. There was always an empty chair. But it was empty with the expectation that he’d come home and fill it.

  We filed
in, one by one, each of us looking for our name on a place card. There were none. We all exchanged glances.

  “Dude, where do we sit?” I whispered from the corner of my mouth to Lawrence.

  He responded in the same fashion. “I don’t know. What the fuck?”

  “Melody!” Mr. Brooks bellowed.

  She poked her head in from the kitchen, looking frazzled. “What?”

  “Where do we sit?” He had his hands in the air, all of us looking like deer caught in headlights. It was comical how lost we all were.

  She opened her mouth and closed it a few times, no sound coming out. “I just… I just thought I’d let everyone sit where they want. For now. Or…” She shrugged her slim shoulders. “I just didn’t know what…”

  Mr. Brooks turned a circle in the middle of the room. “Who here wants to sit wherever they want?”

  We all looked around, but nobody spoke. Fuck no, I didn’t want to sit just anywhere. I wanted Mrs. Brooks to tell me what to do like she always had.

  “All in favor of reinstating place cards, say aye.”

  “Aye.” We all said the word and raised our hands in unison. Even Tessa had peeked out to join in the vote.

  Mrs. Brooks rolled her eyes, but a smile lit her features. “Okay, okay. Everybody out. Give me a second.”

  Laughing, we all filed back out, the mood lighter and easier. Almost like Shane had come through and smacked us all on the side of the head.

  Within minutes, we were called back in. Dinner was set, place cards in place. I found my name written in Mrs. Brooks’s practiced calligraphy, between her and Jeanine, across from Tessa. We took our places and helped the women beside us into their chairs. I noticed Tessa grimace when she was awkwardly scooted in by Adam. And I noted the remaining empty chair as the men sat down.

  “I hope you all don’t mind that I…” Mrs. Brooks let out a deep breath, blowing the blond bangs from her forehead. It was a terribly unusual and unladylike gesture. She waved one hand in a circle. “I’m not quite ready to…”

  Lawrence popped up and went over to his mom, bending down to wrap her in a hug. She sniffled, her shoulders trembling slightly, then pushed him away with a forced laugh, waving him back to his chair.

  “I got a job at the track.” Tessa’s voice broke through the haze.

  The clinking of forks on porcelain stopped as we all looked at her. She sat there swallowed up by a white T-shirt and chewing on her thumbnail, face scrubbed clean of makeup, wavy blond hair piled on top of her head. She should have looked young and small, but she didn’t. She was older, with more soul. Pride gripped my chest as I looked at the girl I’d watched grow into the near woman across from me. Brave.

  “Tessa,” her dad began.

  She held up a hand, nails bitten to the quick. “No, Dad. I already got a job. I know I can keep working for the farm here, but I’ll never get anywhere or be taken seriously. I want to ride races. Win races. And I can do it. Shane knew I could do it. So I’m going to. Life”—she took a sip of water and set her glass down with a slosh—“life is short, right? We all know it, but now we really know it. I can do this. I wanna ride hard and stand in the winner’s circle. I wanna ride at the Derby and know that Shane is smiling down on me.”

  She glanced between her parents and swallowed hard. “I’ll ride at the track in the mornings before school, and I’ll break babies through the winter. I’ll get fit and strong and smart. When I’m eighteen, I’ll get an agent and start my bug career. I’m gonna be good. And I’m gonna do it.”

  The Brooks family had racehorses in their blood throughout the generations. But they didn’t have jockeys. That lifestyle was dangerous and hard, demanding and fast. I could see the pride, fear, and uncertainty warring in her family’s eyes. I could feel it in my own heart. But I also knew, as did everyone, that no amount of anything would ever change that girl’s mind, so we might as well embrace it or be left in the dust.

  I caught Lawrence’s eye and we raised our wineglasses high. “All those in favor of Tessa living out her dreams, say aye.”

  Tessa smiled at me, her blue eyes electric with unshed tears. Everyone followed suit.

  “Aye.”

  Chapter 7

  2011

  “Wedding weekend!” Tessa squealed as she slid down the banister, landing neatly on her toes directly in front of me. I bent to kiss her cheek, noting the smile that reached her eyes finally. For the past year or so, since Shane’s death, it’d been missing way too often.

  “Good to see you, Midge. Sorry I missed your birthday.”

  I’d had exams and, for the first time in her life, I’d been unable to make it. It halfway ripped my heart out, knowing it could have been the most important one to show up for.

  She shook her head, several tendrils of hair escaping the confines of her ponytail. “Nah. I don’t do birthdays anymore. The last one sucked enough, and I don’t really need the reminders. I just asked for double the presents on Christmas.” She winked, and I had no doubt she meant it.

  “Still, I would have come thrown cake with you.”

  Her smile grew wistful. “Yeah. Maybe next time.” She blinked herself out of her own thoughts. “Are you staying here for all the festivities?”

  “I’ll stay with Lawrence, so I’ll be around.” It struck me then that the house was otherwise silent. “Where is everyone?”

  “My dad bought a new smoker and made all the boys go help him pick it up. Jeanine is really pissed, so all the girls went to the spa. I stayed home because”—she lifted her shoulders—“neither option really appealed to me.”

  I snorted in laughter. “I can imagine.”

  “But I was headed down to the barn. Wanna go for a ride?”

  I frowned. “I haven’t sat on a horse in years.”

  “Meh. It’s like riding a bike. Come on! It’s gorgeous out. We’ll go slow.”

  “I don’t have boots.” I stuck out my feet, gesturing to my flip-flops.

  “I wouldn’t expect you to.”

  I considered the level of embarrassment that would come out of riding next to Tessa but decided that if I was going to make a fool out of myself, there really was no better person to do it with.

  We hopped in the Gator to drive down the winding lanes to the stables where Tessa grabbed two of the older, retired horses from a field and led them over to the fence.

  “Here, you ride Bo.”

  “What? With what?” There was nothing on it.

  “What do you mean, with what? With your ass. On his back.”

  “No saddle?”

  “Ugh, saddles suck. It’s more fun this way. Come on. I ride for work all the time. I just wanna chill.”

  I grumbled to myself, something about being too old for this and hoping I didn’t die, but I climbed up the board fence and slid my leg over the top of Bo’s back, settling into place. She handed me the lead rope and gave the horse a pat on the neck.

  “See? All good.”

  I watched in amazement as she collected the rope of the other horse and vaulted on from the ground, landing lightly and easily on the horse’s back, never even giving it a reason to twitch.

  “Geez. You’re like a leprechaun.”

  She threw her head back and laughed, the sound ringing out through the breeze. I steered Bo behind her, watching her swing her feet casually at her horse’s sides like she was completely at ease in the setting. I relaxed, my horse obviously unfazed by my amateur skills, and looked around at the vast array of colors as the leaves were well into their dramatic change.

  “I’ve missed it here,” I said, mostly just speaking my thoughts aloud.

  “Yeah, it’s not bad.”

  I smirked at her back. “So what’s it like being a trackie?”

  “Oh you know, just snorting coke on the backside and sleeping with all the trainers to get ahead.”

  I prayed she was joking.

  We ambled down a well-worn trail, in between paddocks and through the woods. I shifted my ass
a few times to get comfortable, but it pretty much looked like that wasn’t gonna happen. We finally stopped at the pond and slid off, much to the relief of every part of me. She took Bo from me and tied the horses to a tree branch before meeting up with me on the dock. We sat in silence, feet dangling over, toying with the frigid waters.

  I looked down, our hands leaning on the edge of the wood, side by side. Her knuckles were scraped and rough-looking, at odds with how delicate the rest of her seemed.

  Delicate? Not the usual descriptive term that would pop into my head…

  She sighed heavily, splashing a little water up with her foot and watching it fall in droplets back to the surface.

  “Problems?” I asked.

  “Nah. The quiet is just nice. It’s been chaos.”

  “Is Jeanine a bridezilla?”

  She chuckled softly. “Not really. It’s more my mom obsessing over every detail and fussing and nagging. I’m surprised Adam hasn’t run away screaming.”

  “That dude loves your sister.”

  She lifted her hand from where it rested beside mine and chewed on a dirty thumbnail. Inside I was smiling and cringing at the same time.

  “How can you tell?”

  “What? That he loves her?”

  She nodded.

  “Easy. No one would hang out with your family if they weren’t completely head over heels with a member.”

  “Ha! We’re not that bad.”

  “Not for me. I’m used to it. But I imagine it’s overwhelming for a total outsider.”

  “My boyfriend hates them.”

  My eyebrows touched my hairline. “Boyfriend? I didn’t know you had one.”

  She nodded, now chewing on her lower lip. She was gonna be covered in teeth marks if she didn’t quit. “He’s a jockey. A really good one.”

  “How tall is he?”

  She snorted and backhanded my chest. “Not very, obviously. Don’t be so shallow.”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t help it. How does it even work?”

  “It just… you know. The same as how everyone else”—she waved her hand in a circle—“works.”