by Niles, Naomi
“That’d be great, Winnie,” I said. “Thank you so much.”
“Don’t mention it,” Winnie replied. “This is the kind of thing I do best.”
After my chat with Winnie, I spent the next few hours reading, but for the first time in my life I couldn’t seem to get into any book I tried. My mind kept wondering and inevitably it landed on Alan and the incredible night we had shared. I was so hopped up on excitement that I decided to just head off to the women’s quarters early and wile away time there. So I said goodbye to my mother and headed out.
The girl’s house was silent when I entered it, and I found it weird being there when no one else was around. Winnie’s room was still a mess, but there were fewer clothes thrown about the space. I looked through her clothes and found a white lace sundress with tiny, floral details on the bodice and the hemline that was more my style.
I slipped it on and left my hair loose around my shoulders. I rifled through the paltry collection of makeup Winnie had left behind and dabbed on a little bit of concealer, mascara, and lip-gloss. I stood in front of Winnie’s mirror and looked at myself critically. I looked much different from last night, but reasonably good.
A twinge of anticipation hidden beneath stronger emotions of worry. What if Dad got suspicious? What if Mom let something slip? What if he found out somehow? I couldn’t suppress the worry, but I was equally annoyed by it. I was a twenty-three-year-old woman, and I shouldn’t be going through this at all. I should have been able to tell my parents what I was doing and have them understand.
I couldn’t deny that I had lived a strange life so far. I was running a brush through my hair when the doorbell sounded. I tensed instantly and nerves drummed around inside my stomach. I allowed myself once last glance at the mirror before I left the room. My eyes were bright and the green brought out the streaks of gold in my hair. I was satisfied that I looked good without looking overdone.
I rushed down the stairs, but I was forced to stop at the front door and take a deep breath. It felt like a momentous occasion somehow. Opening the door felt symbolic in some way, like I was shedding the skin of my former self and donning a new one. Perhaps Winnie was right. Maybe I was shedding the sheltered image of the girl I had once been. Maybe I really was becoming a black swan.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Alan
Jessica opened the door, and I was completely floored. She looked angelic, beautiful, and completely natural. Her hair hung in waves around her shoulders, and her green eyes sparkled under the fading light of day. She wore a long sundress with floral accents and minimal makeup, highlighting the raw beauty of her features.
“Hi,” she greeted me softly.
“You look beautiful,” I said sincerely.
She blushed but only subtly. “Thank you.”
“Are you ready?”
“I am.” She stepped out the door and closed it behind her.
I made sure to open the car door for her before I got in. I didn’t usually make the effort in most cases, but this date was different. More importantly, this girl was different, and I wanted her to know that.
“Where are we going?” Jessica asked as I started driving.
“Somewhere special,” I told her mysteriously.
She gave me a curious look but she didn’t press me for details. I had to glance sideways at her, incapable of keeping my eyes from her for long. A part of me desperately wanted to reach out and touch her, but I didn’t want her to think that I had sex on the brain. I wanted her to know that I was interested in more than just her body.
“How long have you lived in this area?” I asked, knowing that she lived close by.
“We moved here when I was twelve,” Jessica replied. “By that point, I knew I wanted to swim competitively, and we had our eyes on the Olympics. Dad wanted to live close to the training facility.”
“You mean you moved here specifically because it was situated close to the facility?”
“Yup,” Jessica said with a wry smile. “It sounds insane, doesn’t it?”
“Not really,” I said honestly. “Some people commit to things harder than others do. It’s a testament to how much you wanted this.”
“To be honest, it had more to do with my dad than me,” Jessica replied. “He was the one who pushed me toward the Olympics. He said he believed I was good enough.”
I glanced at her, noting something lying underneath her tone. “You enjoy swimming, don’t you?”
“Of course,” she said. “I’ve always loved it. Why do you ask?”
I wondered how to put the question delicately. “I guess I was curious to know if you started swimming for yourself or… for your dad?”
“Ah,” Jessica said, understanding. “I suppose the honest answer would be both. I started swimming for the both of us. I started because I loved it and then I pursued it because my father believed I could. I owe him for that, really; if he hadn’t egged me on, I doubt I would have pushed through. He always had enough determination for the both of us.”
I pulled up in front of the restaurant, and Jessica’s eyes went wide when she saw the extravagant façade and the valet standing in front of us, waiting to park the car.
“This is a fancy restaurant,” she said.
“I wanted to take you someplace really nice,” I told her. “And this restaurant is famous for their food.”
“I know,” Jessica said. “I’ve passed it several times.”
“But you never tried it?”
She looked at me with a shy smile. “It felt too good for me.”
“Please,” I said, affronted that she would even think such a thing. “This place has nothing on you.”
She laughed as though I’d made a joke. It was just like her to brush off a compliment. We walked into the restaurant and were shown to a private table in the corner. A rose thrown lay on Jessica’s plate, and she smiled as she picked it up.
“This is nice,” Jessica said as she held the rose to her cheek. “I feel like I’m underdressed.”
“You’re perfect,” I said sincerely and the blush reappeared on her cheeks.
Once we’d gotten the ordering out of the way, I turned to her with all the questions rattling around in my head. It was amazing how curious I was about her life. I actually wanted to know the little things, the details that had formed her personality. I wanted to know about her childhood, her adolescence, and all the little moments in between. I was starting to realize how deeply I was falling.
“Would you take it back?” I asked. “Being an Olympic athlete, I mean.”
Jessica considered that for a moment. “I have thought about it,” she admitted. “My life would certainly be simpler. I’d have a lot more free time and a lot more freedom but… I’d also be much more ordinary than I already am. I don’t know if I could give up the one thing that makes me interesting.”
“Funny,” I said. “I think the fact that you’re an Olympic athlete is the least interesting thing about you.”
She smiled at that and leaned in a little. “When did you realize you wanted to make a career out of swimming?”
“After I won my fourth consecutive swimming competition in school,” I told her. “And the only reason I thought of it was because my father looked me in the eye, patted me on the back and said, ‘You could do this for a living.’”
“That was it, huh?”
“Yup,” I said. “I guess we have that in common. Both our fathers are the ones responsible for pushing us to where we are now.”
“Your father must be so proud of you.”
I worked hard to keep the smile on my face. “He died a while ago.”
Jessica’s face fell. “Oh God. I’m so sorry. Can I ask how he died?”
“Kidney failure,” I replied.
“How old were you?”
“Fifteen,” I told her.
“Geez,” Jessica said, shaking her head. Her eyes clouded over, and she looked at me hesitantly. “That must have been hard… especially
after your mother left.”
I never told anyone about my mother. Even Langdon didn’t know much about her, but I didn’t regret telling Jessica. Something about her made me certain I could trust her with anything. “It was hard. But it was probably harder for Talen and Samuel. They were younger and didn’t get as much time with either parent. That’s probably the reason Talen is so… difficult sometimes.”
“Talen is your youngest brother?” Jessica asked.
“Yes,” I said. “He was only five when Mom left, and he was ten when Dad died.”
“What happened after your father died?” Jessica asked.
“There was talk about sending us to live with relatives,” I admitted. “But there were five of us, and no one was willing to take in five boys. My dad had two brothers and they were discussing splitting us up between them, but luckily John and Peter were old enough to say no to that. John was twenty-one, so he took the rest of us on as dependents. So we got to stay in the house we grew up in, and more importantly, we got to stay together.”
“So, John looked after you and your brothers?”
“He did,” I replied, not wanting to be ungracious. “But truth be told, it was Peter who did the lion’s share of the work.”
“Peter?”
“John may be the oldest of all of us, but Peter always took the lead. He was the one who made the decisions. He was the one who became a surrogate father to us in many respects. He was only eighteen when Dad died… but he seemed so much older. I suppose he was forced to grow up.”
“Wow,” Jessica said, staring at me with those green eyes that were dulled by sadness. “You must be close with your brothers?”
“I am,” I agreed. “More so with Peter and John. I don’t get to talk to Samuel as often as I would like and Talen… well, Talen’s a whole different ball game.”
“Why?”
“He’s just… a little lost,” I admitted. “He never really got over the fact that Mom left us. Half the time he’s sad, and the rest of the time he’s angry.”
“I can’t really blame him,” Jessica said sympathetically.
“No,” I said with a sigh. “Neither can I. It’s just that sometimes… we become the outlet for his anger. He can’t take his anger out on Mom for leaving or Dad for dying… so he spends half his time getting angry with us. Actually, if I’m being honest, he spends most of his time getting angry with Peter.”
“Rocky relationship there, huh?”
“Peter took on Dad’s role for the rest of us,” I explained. “I think Talen always resented that. He resented being cheated out of a father only to have his older brother take on the role.”
“I can tell he was a good father,” Jessica said with a soft smile. “It’s in your eyes.”
“He was a good father,” I said. “He was the best. He loved my mother. She was his entire world and when she left, it broke him. He tried to get her back but… she wasn’t interested in coming back. When he realized that… I think the light went out of his world but he never let it show. He was always there for us, I think in some ways he was trying to compensate for the fact that Mom was not.”
“That’s… unbelievably sad,” Jessica said. “To love a person that much and not be loved in return. I can’t think of anything worse.”
“It is sad,” I agreed. “It’s funny though.”
“What is?” Jessica asked curiously.
“Even after Mom left us… he would advise us about our futures,” I told Jessica, puzzling it out as I was speaking. “And he would always tell us to go out there and find a woman who made us happy. He would tell us that you only understood the true meaning of life once you find a partner to share it with.”
“That’s not funny,” Jessica said gently. “It makes sense.”
“His wife abandoned him and his five children,” I pointed out. “You’d think he would have lost faith in the idea of true love.”
“I don’t think he ever stopped loving your mother,” Jessica said. “I think he might have felt that, despite how it ended up, loving her was worth it.”
I shook my head. “I can’t even begin to fathom a love like that.”
“It’s amazing,” Jessica said thoughtfully. “I’ve read hundreds of romance novels over the years and sometimes the best love stories are out there… in real life.”
I smiled ironically. “I don’t think this qualifies as a love story. It ended in tragedy.”
“I think that depends on your perspective,” Jessica replied. “But whichever way you look at it, you can’t deny that it is your father’s love story.”
“You’re right.” I looked up to find Jessica regarding me intently.
Her eyes were filled with emotion and when she reached out for my hand, it felt instinctive and natural. Suddenly all the things that my father had ever taught me about love seemed to make sense. Suddenly I understood what he had meant all those years ago, when he had told us that there was nothing as satisfying as finding your reflection in another person’s eyes. It had sounded like gibberish at the time but now it was becoming clearer.
“Have you ever been in love?” I blurted out before I could stop myself.
Jessica looked down with a blush. “No, I don’t think so,” she replied after a moment’s hesitation. “Have you?”
“No,” I replied softly.
I had never experienced what it would be like to fall in love with someone, but even as I said the words, I was realizing that maybe I was experiencing it right now. Maybe I was falling. Maybe I had fallen already, and I just hadn’t realized it yet.
I looked into Jessica’s eyes and amidst the aquatic blaze of sea green, I saw my reflection.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Jessica
After dinner, Alan took me to Rampart Range Road. It was a beautiful, mountainous point that overlooked the city and the scenery down below. It felt like a scene from a movie when Alan helped me onto the hood of his car and we sat side-by-side looking at the shimmering lights of the city. It filled me with a strange sense of awe that I was the girl in the lead role here. It was a heady feeling.
“Jessica,” Alan said. He turned to me slowly and tentatively reached for my hand. The gesture was sweet, almost shy, but I understood that he didn’t want to make presumptions. He didn’t want to assume that just because we’d slept together, he had a right to touch me.
“Yes?”
“I wanted to ask you something.” His blue eyes were bright, but they were careful, and I wondered what he wanted to talk about.
“Go ahead,” I said.
“About last night.” As he spoke, his grip tightened slightly on my arm, and I knew he was trying to be as sensitive as he could.
“Yes?”
“I don’t want you to think I took advantage,” he said at last. “I don’t want you to feel like I… you’ve been used.”
I smiled, touched that he would bring it up and that he had thought about it to that extent. “Alan, you don’t have to worry about that,” I assured him. “I don’t feel that way at all. Last night happened because I wanted it to… not because you took advantage.”
“Oh,” Alan said, relief coloring his tone. “I… that’s good to know. Anyway, how was your dad when you got home this morning?”
I sighed. “He was annoyed that I was late, he asked me a bunch of questions, and he was in a mood until I apologized.”
“I assume you didn’t tell him you were going to a party then?” Alan asked.
I smiled. “You’re right. He thought it was a team-building exercise.
“Wow.”
“Winnie impersonated our coach and called to inform my father about it,” I admitted. “That was how I got permission to leave for the night.”
“Your father’s really that… strict?”
I could tell he struggled before he landed on the word strict. I smiled. “I think the word you were looking for was controlling. And, yes… he really is. I think I’m only now beginning to see how much.”<
br />
“Only now?” Alan asked with raised eyebrows.
I looked thoughtfully out into the perfect midnight-blue skyline. “I think I was so focused on my career that I barely paid attention to how controlled and planned out my life was. But recently… I’ve been realizing that I want more than just my career. I want a life outside of swimming.”
“Maybe you should tell your father that,” Alan suggested.
I laughed without humor and shook my head. “There’s no way he’ll hear that. There’s no way he’ll listen. I can tell you exactly what he would say if I came to him with something like that.”
“What would he say?”
“He’d say that I was throwing away my entire life’s work for something frivolous and temporary. He’d say that I was losing focus and I needed to get my head back in the game. He’d tell me how much Mom and he had to sacrifice in order to push me to the Olympic level.”
“He’d guilt trip you?” Alan asked.
“Pretty much,” I said. “And I would probably cave.”
“Would you?” Alan asked, looking at me pointedly.
“You don’t understand,” I sighed. “I do owe a lot to my father. He was the one who pushed and encouraged me with my swimming. He’d the one who spent top dollar for the best swimming coaches in the state. He’s been there at every competitive race I’ve ever competed in. I owe him a lot.”
“You do,” Alan agreed emphatically. “You owe him your appreciation and your gratitude. But I don’t think you owe him your entire life. That is yours and yours alone, and you should be the only one who decides what to do with it.”
It made such perfect sense when Alan said it like that, but I knew that when I was saying as much to my father, it would sound very different.
“I know what you’re talking about, Jessica,” Alan said softly as he bent down to kiss my hand in an old-world gesture that I’d imagined a thousand times over in my dreams. “I had a father who pushed and encouraged me in swimming, too. But he always told me that the most important thing in life was love and family. He taught my brothers and me that. Your career is important, but it doesn’t hold a candle to family.”