by Niles, Naomi
“Mom,” I said, after what seemed like an eternity. “Are you okay?”
Mom looked at me, and she looked like she had tears in her eyes. “I was so worried about you. What happened? I thought you were supposed to be back home by twelve?”
“I was,” I sighed. “But… something happened.”
We moved to the couch and once we were seated, I told Mom what had happened at the carnival between Peter, Talen, and the gang leader that they called Maddow.
“Oh, my God,” Mom said in horror. “Are you all right? Nothing happened to you, did it?”
“No of course not,” I said quickly. “I’m perfectly okay. But Peter…”
“Is he going to be okay?”
“I think so,” I said. “He’s still in a coma… but the doctor is optimistic.”
Mom nodded slowly.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” I sighed. “I know I promised that I’d be here by twelve but… I just couldn’t leave Alan there. I wanted to be with him, and I think he needed me.”
“Of course, darling,” Mom said. “I completely understand. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“You’re not upset with me?”
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “Everything you said tonight was true. This is your life. Your father will see that soon.”
“It didn’t seem that way to me.”
“He’s a stubborn man,” Mom said. “And he’s not used to anyone speaking to him like that… much less his own daughter. Once his pride subsides, then he will understand what you were saying.”
“I hope you’re right,” I sighed.
“I am right, darling,” Mom said with confidence, and I wondered where it had come from. “I’ve known your father a long time. He’ll come around… he just needs time.”
“Thank you,” I said, leaning on her shoulder. “Thanks for the support.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder for you,” Mom said softly. “I suppose in the end, I didn’t need to. You had the strength to fight for yourself all on your own.”
I smiled. “Actually, I think I have Alan to thank for that… he makes me feel braver.”
“It’s not Alan, darling,” Mom said with conviction. “It’s you… he’s just given you the reason you needed to break free.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Alan
It was strange how much smaller Peter looked in the middle of that hospital bed. His six-foot frame had been reduced to the image of a much smaller man and it felt wrong. I stared at him for a long time, but that didn’t help, especially because I was reminded of our father.
He had been in the same position years ago and again, I had been forced to sit there and watch him suffer. It was different this time, I told myself. This time we weren’t waiting for death. This time we were waiting for Peter to open his eyes. It had been twelve hours since his surgery, and I was started to get panicky.
The thought that Peter might not make it flashed across my mind and it chilled me to the bone. The alien thought popped into my head without permission. But now that it was there, it refused to leave. Peter had been the one constant in my life; he had been the constant in all our lives. Every time that we had placed our trust in someone, they had always left us.
Our mother had abandoned us to a life free from responsibility, our father had abandoned us to the afterlife, but Peter had always been there. He had made sure we survived. He had made sure we were fed, clothed, healthy and happy. He had become our father and our mother.
I remembered another hospital conversation that I had not been a part of. I was standing outside the door, aware that Dad was having a heart to heart with Peter. There was no one else around, and I could eavesdrop without being found out.
“I don’t know how much harder I can hold out, my boy,” Dad told Peter with all the strength of someone who was trying to put on a brave face.
“Don’t say that, Dad,” Peter replied. “You’re strong…”
“There are some things that even strength can’t beat,” Dad sighed. “It’s time we had a talk… man to man.”
I could sense Peter straightening up. I could sense the seriousness of the conversation despite Dad’s soft tone and gentle manner.
“Tell me,” Peter said, as though he knew what was coming.
“I want you to look after them,” Dad said, and his voice shook slightly on the word ‘them.’ “After me, you will be the man of the family.”
“Me?” Peter said, and he sounded terrified by the prospect. “John’s older than I am, Dad.”
“Yes, I know,” Dad replied. “John’s older… but he’s not ready for the responsibility.”
“You think I am?” Peter asked in astonishment.
“I do,” Dad replied confidently. “You’re only eighteen… but are twice the man that I was at that age. I know you have it in you to lead this family. John is… he’s a good man and he’s a good brother, but he would crumble under the pressure. It would consume him, and he wouldn’t be able to handle that. He would lose himself in the process, and I don’t want that to happen.
“But you are different. You are capable of looking after everyone else and still maintaining your sense of self. I know that you will put your brothers first and you will look after them."
“I’ll do my best, Dad,” Peter replied. “But…”
“What is it, son?”
“I’m not ready to say goodbye to you just yet.”
There was a long pause and when Dad finally spoke, his voice was shaky. “I’m not ready either. The worst thing for me is knowing I could have done more for you boys.”
“Don’t say that,” Peter said quickly. “You were the best father. You… are the best father.”
That conversation had always stuck in my mind as a significant moment in Peter’s life, but it had been significant to me, too. It was the first time that it had sunk in that I was going to lose my father. Moments later, John arrived with Talen and Sam in tow and we had entered the hospital room together. Dad had greeted us all with bright smiles and hugs and I realized the show he was putting on for our benefit. For the first time since he’d been diagnosed, I could see the fear beneath his eyes.
“I want you boys to know how proud I am of you,” he had told us all, as we had surrounded his hospital bed like some farewell scene in a movie. “I know that each and every one of you will accomplish important things. No matter how great or small… I know they will be important. Don’t ever forget how much I love you boys or how proud I am of each and every one of you.”
It had been a somber moment, and I kept flashing back to it as I stared at Peter lying in bed. Thankfully, Talen walked in and I was spared from having to relive that moment a third time. He looked down at Peter and then he came to sit down beside me.
“No change?” he asked.
“No change,” I said.
Talen ran his hand up and down his shaved scalp. His expression was vacant and it gave nothing away, but all his emotion was in his eyes; it always had been. His light-blue eyes looked tortured and it became more prominent every time he glanced at Peter.
“He’s going to be okay, you know,” I said confidently. “He’s going to wake up any minute now.”
“You don’t know that,” Talen replied.
“This is Pete we’re talking about,” I reminded him. “He’s a warrior. He’s not going to let one bullet, shot by a shameless coward, stop him. He’s not done living yet; I can feel it.”
“Every parent we’ve ever had has either left us or died on us,” Talen said without emotion. “What makes you think this is going to be any different?”
I looked at him sharply. “Is that why you’re here?” I demanded. “You’re here to watch Peter die? Because if that is the case and you’ve written him off already, then your presence is not necessary. You might as well go. I can wait with him.”
I expected him to get all prickly and get in my face, but he just sat there with the same tortured look in his eyes, glancing
at Peter every few seconds as though the sight was physically painful to him.
“It’s my fault,” he said quietly, after a long pause.
“What?”
“It’s my fault he’s in here,” Talen repeated, more clearly. “You were right yesterday. I’m the reason that Peter might die.”
“I was angry and terrified,” I said, softening my tone. “I took it out on you and that wasn’t fair, but I never actually believed it was your fault, Talen. You had nothing to do with this.”
“I did… indirectly.”
“How?”
“Maddow would never have even known who Peter was if it hadn’t been for me,” Talen said. “I got into a bad crowd because I was a fucking idiot. Peter got me out of a bad situation, and Maddow has never forgiven him for it.”
“That’s on Maddow,” I said fiercely. “That’s not on you.”
“Isn’t it?” Talen asked. “I was mad at Peter for so long after he arrested me. I sat up all night in the jail cell cursing him. I hated him for taking me in. I thought he had betrayed me.”
“Talen…”
“You know what the worst part of it is?” he asked, cutting me off.
“What?”
“Even after I finally realized that he had saved me… I still never apologized to him. I still never thanked him. I maintained the distance between us because it was easier than admitting I was wrong. I was so damn pig headed that I couldn’t swallow my pride for two seconds to tell Peter that I actually appreciated the fact that he probably saved my life.”
“He’s going to wake up, Talen,” I said gently. “And when he does, you can tell him what you just told me.”
Talen looked down at his hands, and I could sense the fear there. Suddenly, he transformed before my eyes, and I couldn’t see the hulking six-footer with the shaved head and the tattooed sleeve. All I could see was the ten-year-old boy who had slipped his hand into mine during Dad’s funeral.
“Maybe,” Talen said at last. “Maybe I’ll get the chance to say what I need to say this time around.”
“You know that Peter loves you, right?” I said. “Probably more than the rest of us. He looks at you the same way that Dad looked at all of us. He looks at you like you’re his son instead of his brother.”
“I know,” Talen said. “It’s one of the reasons I’ve always resented him.”
I wanted to ask him to explain that but he looked too pulled down by his own thoughts, and I didn’t want to interrupt them. We sat in comfortable silence for nearly half an hour before Talen spoke again.
“How’s the girl you were with last night, by the way?” he asked.
“Jessica?”
“Jessica,” he said. “Yeah.”
“She’s… good,” I said uncertainly. “To be honest… I really don’t know how she’s doing. We didn’t talk very much after what happened.”
“She must be pretty shaken up after last night.”
“I think so,” I sighed. “But she’s got her own drama to deal with.”
“What do you mean?”
“Her father’s pretty controlling, from what she’s told me. She was supposed to be back home by twelve last night. It was the condition under which she agreed to come to the carnival with me.”
“So, her father didn’t know she was with you last night?”
“I don’t think he knew she was out at all,” I said. “And I’m pretty sure he was waiting to read her the riot act last night when I dropped her off.”
“Geez… that sounds like a difficult situation,” Talen said.
“I wanted to get her home sooner but she insisted on staying with me until we knew how Peter’s surgery had gone.”
“That was nice of her.”
“Well, she’s a nice girl,” I said. “I probably should check in with her and ask how she’s doing.”
“You like her, don’t you?”
“I do,” I agreed, not letting on as to how much I liked her.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I like her, too."
“Really?” I asked, looking up at him. “You barely spoke to her.”
“I know… but she has kind eyes,” he said unexpectedly. “And a sincere smile, and she’s beautiful.”
“She is beautiful,” I agreed wholeheartedly. “On the inside and out.”
“Do you think this will be a long-term thing?” Talen asked.
I smiled. “Why are you suddenly interested in my personal life?”
Talen shrugged. “I haven’t really spent much time with you guys over the last few years. I guess I’m realizing how much I’ve missed out on.”
“Took you long enough, dumbass,” I laughed.
Talen’s features softened, and I realized how much younger he looked when he smiled. “I’m not making any promises,” he said. “I’m kind of a recluse, I’m not good with conversation and I have a habit of saying the wrong thing and pissing people off. I don’t know how long this will last.”
“You’re saying this is sort of like a temporary reprieve?” I asked. “And once Pete is better, you’ll go back to your little bubble and barely keep in touch with us?”
“I hope that’s not the case,” Talen sighed. “But the fact is… you guys are all the same and I’m… not. You all turned out like Dad… good, upstanding citizens with respectable jobs and respectable reputations.”
“And you?”
“I’m... different,” Talen said evasively. “I never accomplished anything important… not like Dad wanted. I don’t know if I’ll ever fit in.”
“You fit in,” I said.
“Saying that doesn’t make it true,” Talen said.
I opened my mouth to say something but then I stopped myself at the last moment. Maybe Talen was right. Pretending like he was the same as the rest of us would do no good.
“How about we grab some coffee?” I asked, patting Talen on the back.
He smiled, understanding my gesture. Maybe we weren’t alike. Maybe we weren’t always going to be able to talk like this and share with each other. Maybe we weren’t always going to agree. But at the end of the day, we were still brothers. And we could always come together over a cup of coffee.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Jessica
It had been three days since I’d seen Alan. We had exchanged a few texts, but they were all about Peter and his recovery. Peter had still not woken from the coma, and I could tell that with each passing day, Alan’s panic grew.
I had no idea how to be there for him. I didn’t even know if he wanted me to be there for him. Several times over the last few days, I had tried calling him just to hear his voice, but I had stopped myself at the last moment. I was not his girlfriend; he had not asked me to be around. Maybe what he needed was space. So, I replied to his texts and checked in every now and again, but I suppressed every other urge I felt.
Training had started up again, and we were into the full swing of things. I was focused when I was swimming, but the rest of the time my mind pulled me in several different directions. I was staring blankly at my locker when Winnie walked in with a towel wrapped around her shoulders.
“Hi, Jess,” she greeted me brightly. “Coach wants to run a relay… she called me in to get you.”
“Oh, right… sorry, I just… spaced out a little.”
“I can see that.” Winnie nodded as her eyebrows wrinkled.
I closed my locker door and turned to her. “I guess we should get out there then.”
“Hold on a second,” Winnie said, holding up her hands to stop me.
“I thought Coach needed us out there?”
“She does,” Winnie replied. “But she’s working with a couple of the other girls at the moment. Are you okay?”
“Of course,” I said with fake brightness.
“You’re not the most convincing liar, you know,” Winnie said pointedly. “You’ve been in a funk since we started training again. Are you still upset about Alan… or is it your father?”
&nbs
p; I groaned aloud and sat down for a moment. “It’s both,” I sighed. “Dad has been gone all week… and I really don’t think he’s coming back.”
“He’ll come back,” Winnie said confidently.
“You don’t know my father,” I said, shaking my head. “He’s proud and arrogant and even if he knows he’s wrong, he won’t admit it.”
“Sounds like a charmer,” Winnie said lightly.
“I don’t want him leaving my mother over this,” I said desperately. “If that happens, I will have ended my parents’ marriage.”
“You’re overthinking,” Winnie said quickly. “If he really is as proud as you say he is, then it’ll take him longer to come back home. He’s probably waiting to see if you concede and back down. Then he can come back and save face. It’s important that you stand your ground.”
“I know it is… I just… I’m worried about my mother.”
“Is she worried?” Winnie wanted to know.
“She doesn’t show it.”
“Then don’t overthink this,” Winnie advised.
I nodded slowly, trying to remember all the arguments I had thrown in his face days ago. I still stood by every single one of them, and Winnie was right. I couldn’t back down now. If I did, I’d be backing down my entire life.
“Now… what’s upsetting you about Alan?”
“I just… we haven’t spoken that much recently,” I said. “Which is completely understandable, of course, but… I don’t know… I guess I just miss him.”
“So, why don’t you just go down there and see him?” Winnie asked.
“What if he doesn’t want me there?” I asked. “What if he just wants to spend some time with his brothers?”
“He still can,” Winnie said. “But I’m sure he’d appreciate you stopping by for an hour or so. You wouldn’t be imposing; you’d just be showing him that you care.”
“Hmm… maybe you’re right,” I sighed.
“Langdon went down there two days ago,” Winnie told me. “He said that Alan was alone in the hospital, sitting by Peter’s bedside. He stayed for an hour, caught him up on training, and then drove back.”
“That’s different.”