Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  By the time I had finished eating my breakfast, the clock read seven and Kenzie had still not stirred. I decided to take full advantage of the rare opportunity by jumping into the shower, and my Sunday morning surprises didn’t end there. I had time to style my hair, apply some makeup and dress for the day. I may not have been as stylish as Maggie usually was, but I approved of my image. My closet was lacking, and as much I didn’t want to, I had to agree with Maggie. I was in desperate need of more clothing options.

  With that in mind, I started to contemplate a trip to Dallas for a well-deserved and overdue shopping spree. The drive would take an hour and a half, but if Maggie agreed to come with me, the drive wouldn’t seem as long. Knowing Maggie, odds were she wasn’t going to object to the idea. All hesitation aside, I climbed onto a chair to retrieve my hidden jar of bonus cash, money I had hoarded when groceries were under budget. I dumped the contents of the jar out onto the kitchen table, surprised with how many bills littered the wooden surface.

  “Four hundred and sixty-five dollars!” I exclaimed to myself, after counting and smoothing out each bill. It was much more than I had anticipated. I rechecked the time before going to wake Kenzie. It was still only eight-thirty, so I would have to wait another hour to call Maggie. I would be lucky if she would be coherent by then. By the time I had Kenzie ready for our day trip it was closer to ten. As expected, Maggie was more than on board to venture out for a day of shopping.

  We were on the road in no time, music blaring out of Maggie’s stereo. I was on a high, shouting out the lyrics to the songs and dancing in my seat. Kenzie was giggling in her car seat, while Maggie’s mouth was open in surprise, seeing a side of me she had never seen before.

  “He sure made an impression, didn’t he?” She laughed. Her assumption was dead on; this had to do with Luke. Correction, this had to do with the idea of Luke and what dating represented. I felt human again; like a woman again. My youth returned, finally feeling my age of twenty-two. I couldn’t contain my happiness.

  “Yes, I guess he did,” I responded, before resuming my attempt at singing. When the song ended, Maggie skipped a few songs on her playlist. “This one is new. I think you’ll like it.” She smiled, turning the volume up even more. I bobbed my head to the beat. The music sounded familiar, but I wasn’t sure where I had heard it before until the lyrics started.

  Every day crashes into every night.

  Your words, in my head, are so right.

  Our bodies together, pressed so tight.

  Every moment with you is worth this fight.

  I closed my eyes. No wonder the song had sounded so familiar, it was Tim. I sang along and opened my eyes again, turning around to watch my daughter through her baby view mirror. She was a perfect reminder of her father.

  “You’ve heard this before?” Maggie asked, her eyebrows pulled together in confusion.

  “Ya, I’ve heard it a couple of times.” I lied. I knew that song inside and out. I was with him when he wrote it. I closed my eyes again, envisioning Tim strumming his guitar.

  Imagination could not create these memories.

  All of history, could not write these stories.

  His blue eyes burned into mine. I watched as my hand pushed his long brown hair off his perfect face. The memories of him could be so powerful, so vivid. They could bring me back to my time with Tim. I kept my eyes closed, letting the memories play.

  When the song came to an end, my eyes shot open, returning to reality. “So, you like it then,” Maggie stated. “I think it’s such a pretty song.” I nodded in response, unsure if I could trust my voice.

  Maggie had an entire album of Hazed playing for the remainder of the drive, Tim’s voice suffocating me. Although I was aware I was too quiet, I couldn’t help it. My prior excitement was gone, my focus lost in my past. How much time had passed since they wrote these songs? I couldn’t remember, but it seemed as if every song on the album was written while I was still around. It made sense; it took some time to record the album and have it launched. Maggie was enjoying the music, and I didn’t have the heart to ask her to turn it off. Not to mention I wasn’t willing to open up about why I couldn’t handle those songs.

  Dallas might as well have been New York City compared to the town we lived in, and the increased population and activity were bringing me back to life. Maggie found a parking spot relatively close and pulled in. I removed Kenzie’s stroller from the trunk and opened it. Maggie popped Kenzie’s car seat off the base and snapped it into the stroller.

  “I am so excited!” Maggie exclaimed. “I have so many ideas for what you should buy. You need skirts and shorts, and some cute tops, not that your T-shirt isn’t nice…” She paused, scrunching her nose, “but something a little more flattering. Oh, and you need new shoes.” Maggie was on cloud nine.

  “I know, I know.” I needed to bring her back down to Earth. “You need to remember I only have a little over four hundred dollars, and I can’t spend it all in one place.” I pushed Kenzie through the glass doors.

  Maggie had a plan, and she executed it while I struggled to keep up with the stroller. Store after store, rack after rack, pile after pile. Maggie used Kenzie’s stroller as her cart. By the time we reached the first dressing room, I had six pairs of jeans, two denim shorts, three pairs of dress pants, eight sundresses, and ten sleeveless shirts. I raced through the outfits, making sure to briefly exit the room to show off each one, twirling once before moving on. The first store depleted my funds by one hundred and forty dollars.

  Within two hours, I was exhausted, and Kenzie’s stroller was weighed down with multiple shopping bags. Kenzie was fading out, her eyes fighting sleep as I reclined her stroller. I let her nap as we made our way to the food court. Maggie and I both settled on slices of pizza and found seats.

  In typical Maggie fashion, she was winking at a group of guys sitting across the food court. “And now, for the best part of shopping.” Her smirk made me chuckle. It never seemed to matter where we were, the best part of anything for Maggie was flirting.

  “Ha, Ha.” I controlled myself, responding with a hint of sarcasm. “I am not going to flirt with a strange guy with pizza hanging out of my mouth.” I bit into my slice. It was too late; three men were already on their way over. I groaned in frustration.

  Maggie tossed her hair behind her shoulder, ignoring her pizza. Her entire attention focused on the three men. As far as I was concerned, their names could have been Guy 1, Guy 2 and Guy 3. Not one of them interested me. I tried to politely listen to the conversation, making eye contact to convey interest but failed miserably. When I finally couldn’t pretend any longer, I broke. “Mags, we should head out. I need to get home in time to put her to bed.” I pointed down to Kenzie, who was sleeping soundly.

  “Of course.” She responded, turning to say her goodbyes to the boys, entering each of their numbers into her cell phone. I stood up while she finished, and reorganized the heap of bags.

  “I think we did fairly well.” I tossed the bags into Maggie’s trunk.

  “I think we did amazingly well.” She concurred. “Your closet is going to love you, and so is my social calendar.” She winked. “You know, if you flirted a little, you could have had another date. Keep your options open, you know.” She helped me push the last few bags down and closed the trunk. “Jason was checking you out.”

  “I don’t even know which one that was.” I clicked Kenzie’s car seat into the backseat. “I think dating one guy at a time is more than enough for me right now.” Maggie didn’t argue. At least I was making some attempt.

  Maggie helped me carry everything up to my apartment, staying long enough to help reorganize my closet. She tossed out faded jeans, thread bare shirts and most of my pajamas. I watched helplessly, as she desecrated my closet. The clothing needed to go. I wasn’t going to be hiding behind my second-hand clothing anymore, and the thought of that scared me.

  I was nervous the second the alarm sounded on Monday morning. Kenzie had s
lept through the night once again; she was on a roll. I attributed that to our long shopping trip, trying not to get my hopes up that the broken sleep nights might be behind me. I took my time getting ready for work, making sure that my hair was just right and that my makeup was perfect. I changed into one of my new outfits, added some earrings and a necklace all before Kenzie woke up. The new-found time in the morning was making a dramatic difference.

  I was anxious on my way to the office, a mix of excitement and uncertainty. It was only clothing, but it felt like so much more. No matter how many pep talks I gave myself, I wasn’t all that sure of what outcome I wanted.

  When I walked into the office, I was disappointed not to see Luke waiting for me. Rationally, I knew it was unreasonable to expect that, but I had been hoping he would be there. My disappointment grew when he wasn’t at his desk. The boy was getting to me.

  Maggie was already sitting at her desk, work scattered across the surface. “Good morning, Ally. You look stunning.” She beamed with pride.

  “Why thank you. I had the best personal shopper, although I’m deducting her pay check because she didn’t eat the pizza.” My response brought a grin to her face before she burst out laughing. I was about to laugh with her when her laughter died, and she closed her lips, glancing over my shoulder. I couldn’t help but turn around. Luke was standing at my desk with a single red rose in hand.

  “Morning Ally.” I almost melted. I took a step around the cubicle, toward my desk and he placed the rose down.

  “Thank you. Good morning to you too.” I wanted to lean in to kiss his cheek, but stopped, unsure of what the policy was on public displays of affection in the office.

  Luke smiled, “It is now.” He gave me a quick wink before turning to walk toward his desk.

  I found myself humming happily through the day. It marked the first day that I didn’t day dream about Tim. Instead, I stole glances across the office, finding Luke the perfect distraction, his eyes meeting mine every few minutes.

  The day went from award winning to Oscar worthy. By the time I finally climbed into bed, I was on cloud nine. Luke had driven me to pick up Kenzie and then back to my house after work. He didn’t offer to come in as if he instinctively understood I wasn’t prepared to move any faster.

  Just as I curled into my blankets, the phone rang. Without hesitation, I picked up the call, knowing exactly who was on the other end of the line. Maggie was the only person who ever called my phone. “Hello.” I shifted the pillows beneath my head, into a more comfortable position.

  “Hello, beautiful.” The deep voice on the other end caught me off guard.

  “Luke!” His call was a welcome surprise. Sleep would come so much easier with his voice fresh in my mind. “How are you?”

  “Better than great.” He replied. “I couldn’t wait until the morning to talk to you.” His words were rushed, reminding me that I wasn’t the only one nervous about this. “I thought maybe we could narrow down a day for our next date.” I could hear a smile in his voice and envisioned his chocolate brown eyes shining with excitement.

  “Oh, yeah. We should do that.” I flirted, unconsciously twirling a short strand of my dark blonde hair around my finger. “I think Maggie mentioned she was free any night this week to watch Kenz, so whichever night is good for you should work.”

  “Tomorrow night I have to help my sister move, and Wednesday I have a date with my parents.” He responded, disappointment in his tone. “Would Thursday night work for you? It’s supposed to be warm and sunny. At least according to the forecast.”

  My heart thudded harder inside my chest. Two more nights until I could spend one on one time with Luke seemed too far away. I couldn’t wait. I wanted to touch his tanned skin, kiss his perfect lips and stare into his gorgeous eyes. Why had it taken me so long to see him this way?

  “Thursday works for me.” My voice lowered an octave, not wanted to sound desperate. “Are we still going rollerblading?”

  Our conversation flowed effortlessly and continued until the phone was so warm it burned my ear. While I had never been one to like talking on the phone, I knew the second that the phone call ended, that I would miss the stupid piece of plastic and glass digging into the side of my face. I fell asleep in silence, dreaming about what Thursday night was going to bring.

  Over the next two days, Luke made sure to call each night, if not for any other reason than to tell me good night. Both nights I avoided my iPod. The idea of listening to Tim seemed childish. I didn’t need any more reminders of what I was missing. Tim was the past, and I had to be okay with him staying there.

  Kenzie seemed to be growing too quickly. She had started to crawl over the past few days and was becoming more confident with her words. Thankfully, ‘Dada’ was not one she had picked up. It probably helped that she had never heard the word used on a regular basis. As she grew, her features were undeniably her father. Her eyes deep pools of blue, as clear as the Caribbean ocean, so blue you couldn’t help but get lost in them.

  The idea of Luke made keeping Tim’s memory at bay easier, but I knew I would never be able to escape him. His picture would always be somewhere, a magazine, a billboard, the internet. His blue eyes followed me everywhere. I may never be able to escape, but with the excitement of Luke, I felt free again.

  “What are you going to wear?” Maggie asked, rummaging through my closet. She pulled out a red sundress, a jean skirt and a tube top, tossing them onto my bed.

  “None of those.” I retorted, with a snort. “We’re going rollerblading and considering I’ll probably fall flat on my face at least once, I’m thinking something that won’t allow me to put on a free show.” I joined her in my closet, as Kenzie sat on the floor watching us. I pulled out a pair of skinny jeans and a simple light purple tank top, adding a black zip up hoodie. “This probably makes more sense.” Maggie didn’t argue, only eyed the jeans with disgust. She would have traded the possibility of embarrassment for a sexier outfit, but then again, she would be one to wear stilettos on a camping trip.

  This time around, I didn’t spend quite as much time on my hair and makeup. I settled with a light foundation, a touch of blush and some mascara, pulling what I could of my hair up into a ponytail.

  “How do I look?” I spun in a circle in front of Maggie and Kenzie.

  “Casual.” Maggie huffed, unimpressed. “I know, I know, rollerblading and dresses shouldn’t go hand in hand, but seriously? That outfit hides everything.”

  “It doesn’t hide everything.” I eyed my legs, which were hugged tightly with the denim, “It just covers it up.” I laughed, pushing loose strands of hair off my face.

  “I suppose, it wouldn’t take him too long to get you out of that.” She shrugged.

  My mouth dropped open in shock before I snapped at Maggie. “I don’t plan on him getting me out of this Maggie.” My temper was flaring. Maggie didn’t have a chance to respond, as a loud knock on the door interrupted. If she was taken aback by my outburst, she didn’t show it. I was seething when Luke walked through the door. He had dressed in a pair of cargo shorts and a black golf shirt.

  “Are you ready?” He asked, looking between Maggie and me, apparently sensing the tension.

  I nodded and kissed Kenzie goodbye. “I have my cell on me if you need anything,” I stated, glancing quickly at Maggie. My blades were already tucked beside the front door. Luke grabbed them as we turned to leave the apartment.

  Luke took my hand as soon as the door closed behind us. “I thought tonight would never come.” He kissed my cheek gently.

  Once we reached the stairs outside of my apartment, Luke sat down, motioning for me to join him. As I sat, he passed me my rollerblades. “These are nice. Expensive.” Luke stated, surprised. He was correct, they were expensive and one of the only things I kept from my previous life. I shut out memories as I buckled the hard, black plastic.

  “Ya, they aren’t too bad.” I played it off. “I used to blade a lot before I had Kenzie.” I clear
ed my throat, forcing the bubbling emotions back down. “I’m out of practice though, so this should be interesting.” I was finding it difficult to minimize the lies and maximize the truths, balancing on the edge of protecting my past and saving my future.

  “It’s alright. I’ll help you.” Luke stood up steadily on the thin wheels and reached for me. I smiled at him, taking his hand, letting him pull me to my feet. I braced myself for the loss of balance but managed not to stumble. I tested my muscle memory, gliding forward a couple of strides. While not as confident as I once was, I wasn’t as rusty as I anticipated. My legs pushed harder, picking up speed. When I reached the end of the street, I stopped and waited for Luke to catch up.

  “Or maybe you don’t need my help.” He chuckled, a hint of embarrassment on his pink cheeks. I smiled sheepishly. Unless he picked up his pace, I definitely wouldn’t need his help.

  “Oh, come on.” I giggled, flirting with Luke. “Lucky start.”

  “The park?” he asked. I nodded and started moving again. With each push of the blades, I gained more confidence. Before reaching the park, I turned to face him, skating backwards. Blading with Luke was different than skating with Tim. Tim could not only keep up with me, but he would have been launching himself off every curb and challenging me to push myself harder. When we first started dating, he spent every free day he could teaching me how to skate. I guess it paid off when I could show up another guy. I felt sick to my stomach that I was thinking of Tim while spending time with Luke.