Hazed

by Nicole Howard

I slowed down and turned into the park, fortunate that I had a few seconds to calm myself before Luke would be by my side. At that moment, things felt wrong, and the guilt in the pit of my stomach was almost more than I could bare. Doing this with Luke felt like cheating on Tim. It was stupid of me to feel like that; it had to be. Tim would have moved on by now. He would have forgotten about me, so why was I flip flopping about him?

  “Wow, Ally,” Luke exclaimed when he finally reached me. “I think you need to help me.” He doubled over, catching his breath. I forced a laugh and let him take a breather. “How about we slow down for a bit?” He took my hand and led me into the park. “Where did you learn to move like that?” he questioned. “I wasn’t expecting it.”

  “You haven’t seen me move yet.” My nerves were getting the better of me, as I recovered from the onslaught of guilt. “You should see me dance.” I was deflecting, without thinking. While I could dance, years of training meant I could hold my own on a dance floor; I hadn’t intended for those words to come out of my mouth. After all, dancing is what led me to Tim.

  The memories came uninvited, taking me back in time, away from Luke. I was standing on a stage with dozens of other girls, dressed in a standard black leotard with gray joggers. My hair was pulled up into a messy bun, sweat was pouring down my face, and there he was. He was sitting in a chair, watching from the wings, his eyes locked on mine, holding me in place. That moment was it, our moment of instant connection, where nothing else existed.

  “I could arrange that.” Luke’s voice broke the bubble. I shook my head, attempting to bring myself back to reality.

  “What?” I blinked in succession, stunned. “Arrange what?” I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. I made every attempt to replay our conversation, to catch up.

  “Arrange to see you dance.” He smiled, completely unaware that I had drifted away from him. “Next date?” It was half question, half statement.

  I smiled warily at him, “Yes, next date.” My hand squeezed his.

  We stayed in the park for a little over an hour, sitting on a bench talking. It was so much easier, focusing my attention on him with subjects like Kenzie, and work, and plans for our next date. He veered away from drilling me about my past and considering he already knew Maggie; it didn’t leave him very much to ask me. Fortunately, for me, he was an open book.

  He talked eagerly about his dog, his family, and what his plans were for the future. He seemed to have his life mapped out. As of then, I was included in the journey, and not just as a pit stop. I smiled nervously as he talked about the summer and activities we could do with Kenzie, unsure of how to slow him down. He wanted to take her to the zoo, drive far enough to find beaches, and have camping trips and bonfires in his backyard. It all sounded perfect, like things a couple would do together, aside from the fact that I wasn’t ready to be a couple or for things to move that quickly.

  The air had begun to cool by the time we decided to leave. I took my time on the way back, matching his strides. Luke helped me sit down on the stairs when we arrived back at my building. I slid off the blades and pulled on my sneakers. He grabbed the skates and walked me up to my apartment.

  When we reached the door, he set the skates on the group and wrapped his arms around me. My body pressed into his hard chest, my head leaning on his shoulder. My knees were weakening; my senses had been sent into overdrive. He played with my ponytail, wrapping strands around his fingers. The intimacy felt incredible. I didn’t want to pull away.

  “Maybe this weekend we could do something with Kenzie.” He suggested, tugging loosely at the ends of my hair.

  “That sounds good,” I answered without processing, lost in the moment. I pulled away to lift up on my toes, tilting toward his lips. I could feel the warmth of his breath as he leaned down to close the gap. I had just shut my eyes in anticipation when a cry sounded from inside my apartment. I quickly dropped to the balls of my feet. “I should go.”

  “Understandable.” He shrugged, with a smile. “I will see you in the morning.” I nodded in agreement as he leaned down to pick up my rollerblades.

  I unlocked the door, opening it cautiously, as I expected to be pounced on. Kenzie had come to my rescue. Maggie was sitting on the couch, holding Kenzie, rocking her back to sleep. I took advantage of the silence and went to my bedroom to change. I removed the remainder of my makeup and pulled my hair out of the elastic. Maggie was just walking out of Kenzie’s bedroom, meeting me in the living room. Any patience she had been drawing from must have given out, as she prodded before either of us were even seated.

  “So?” I grabbed the open bag of chips she must have been munching on and shoved a handful into my mouth. An effective strategy to delay my response. Maggie’s cell phone was blowing up with text messages on the arm of the couch, I assumed from one of the boys we had met at the mall. I made a mental note of this, in case I needed a subject change.

  “So, I had fun.” I deposited another handful into my mouth.

  “And?” She continued, intently staring at my mouthful of chips. “You did that on purpose.”

  I finished chewing and swallowed. “Absolutely.” I almost snorted. “And, we’re going to go out again. I think we’re going to take Kenzie out this weekend.” I reached back into the bag.

  “Oh wow. Luke wants to spend time with Kenzie already.” Maggie exclaimed, “So things went well then. I think it might be a bit too soon for him to meet Kenz though.” She grabbed the bag of chips off the coffee table and shoved the bag behind her.

  “I think so. I mean it’s been awhile since I have dated, but I really like him. I don’t know how I didn’t see this side of him before.” I sighed. “I kind of showed him up rollerblading though.” I burst out laughing.

  “You didn’t? I didn’t know you could skate. I thought he would have to teach you.” She looked just as surprised as Luke had been.

  “I’m full of surprises.” I didn’t elaborate. Maggie stayed and talked until midnight before heading home.

  When Luke called to make plans for the weekend, I backed out. Maggie raised a good point, and after having time to think about it, everything felt too soon. It was important that I made sure I could actually move past my past before involving Kenzie. It still didn’t feel right to introduce my daughter to Luke, while Tim was unaware that she even existed. I needed to get my shit together.

  I spent a quiet weekend with Kenzie, drowning in Tim’s music. I had downloaded their new album the night after our Dallas shopping trip. Despite evading my emotions over the past week, the time had come to release them by spending some time in misery. Every word of every song burned into my soul, draining my body of the frustration and confusion. I did the right thing. Kenzie came into our lives, presenting us with the chance to be better, healthier people on our own. The path we had been taking was only going to lead to destruction. I was better off now. We both were.

  As the days passed, I forced myself to spend more and more time with Luke. I allowed myself to accept his lunch invitations every day of the week. I made sure I spent a minimum of one hour on the phone with him every night. Every moment I spent with Luke was intentional and strategically planned. Two weeks had passed, and I had managed to abstain from anything related to Tim.

  Luke and I hadn’t found time for another evening date over those two weeks, but I was okay with that. The time away from him allowed me the time I needed to be fully prepared to take our relationship to the next level physically. I found humor in the face that I required mental preparation for kissing. It had to be like riding a bike, but the anxiety build-up made it more like climbing Mount Everest. There was no denying the status of my virginity, Kenzie was proof of that, but things were different. Everything was new to me again.

  Luke had planned a date for the upcoming Friday night. I was excited and nervous. The plan was to attend a play at the local high school, maybe not the most romantic place in the world, but it sounded interesting.

  Luke showed up
at the door at seven o’clock sharp, on Friday night. He was always on time. Maggie had already arrived and had settled. She answered the door, while I finished getting ready. That night I let her dress me, as a gift for all the babysitting hours she was donating to the cause. Maggie chose a short black dress that was cut low enough to hint of cleavage. In my opinion, it was over the top for an event at a high school, but I wanted to look my best for Luke.

  “Hey!” I greeted, stepping out of the bathroom. The choice of dress was worth it when Luke’s jaw dropped. “Are you ready to go?” My attempt at graceful was inhibited by the stilettos on my feet, as I walked toward Luke.

  “Unya.” Luke choked on his words. Maybe I was accomplishing my goal a little too well. “You look…” he fumbled over his words, “Unbelievable.”

  “Thank you.” He looked quite unbelievable himself, wearing black dress pants, with a tucked in red polo. He was attractive in every sense of the word.

  I slipped my white coat off the hook and turned to Maggie. “Thank you so much for watching Kenz. We won’t be home too late.”

  “Don’t worry about being too late. I have nothing else to do tonight.” She wiggled her eyebrows when Luke turned toward the door.

  Luke wrapped his arm around my waist once we were alone in the hall. “You look absolutely stunning.” My cheeks blushed at the compliment. “I couldn’t have imagined anything more perfect.”

  “You look quite astonishing yourself.” I flirted, dusting off the sophisticated vocabulary. Luke helped me into his car and made the quick drive to the high school.

  He took my hand as we walked into the old brick building. “You know, I feel sorry for all the other guys.” His lips touched my ear, as he leaned down to whisper the words.

  “Why?” My response hushed in a whisper, mirroring his tone while turning to brush my bottom lip over his ear lobe in return.

  His body shivered slightly, his fingers tightening around mine. “Because they can’t all sit beside the most beautiful woman in the room.” Warm lips connected with my cheek, as I melted into his words. He guided us to our seats.

  We didn’t have long to talk before the lights dimmed. Luke groaned quietly, turning back toward my ear. “Now I can’t enjoy seeing you in the light.” The darkness hid my reddened cheeks. The play started and the small theater filled with laughter, coos and silence, following along with scenes and sentiments of the skits. Luke’s fingers traced mine before linking our hands together. I slide back in my chair, relaxing into his touch.

  By the intermission, I didn’t want to move from my seat. I had been enjoying the private, innocent pleasure. Luke stood up before I had a chance to signal that I would rather stay in the theater. I had no choice but to follow suit.

  We wandered through the halls, gazing silently at the framed graduate photos that lined the walls. Luke followed the dates, searching for people that he knew. As we completed the first wall, we rounded a corner.

  “My year is down this way if you want to see.” His hand gripped tightly to mine.

  “Of course, I want to see.” I squeezed. “Lead the way.”

  He pulled me along, past three more frames. He traced his fingers over the glass, scanning every picture until finding his. “There I am.” His laugh was deep. “So many years ago. I can’t believe my hair ever looked like that.” His hair wasn’t even that bad. It was shorter than he wore it now, but he looked pretty much the same.

  “Aw, you were so handsome.”

  “Were?” He squinted his eyes at me, moving his hand from the glass to my bare arm. His touch sent tingles through my body.

  “Are,” I confirmed, as his hand traced a path from my arm to my waist. Luke moved his other hand, resting it on my lower back as I stared up, into his eyes. I was standing my ground, letting natural impulses take control. My hands lifted to his face, resting on each side, holding him in place. My toes bore the weight of my body, reaching up to Luke, begging him to meet me half way. He didn’t disappoint, leaning down to close the space between our lips. I closed my eyes in relief as Luke’s lips found mine.

  The pressure caught me off guard, causing me to lose my balance, falling back against the cold, cement wall of the hallway. Luke’s mouth moved feverishly, as I impulsively slipped my hands back into his hair, tugging him closer, taking as much as he would give.

  “Could you please find your seats?” a voice boomed from down the hall. I jumped, Luke bracing my sudden movements. A nervous giggle escaped my lips, just before Luke pulled away.

  “Okay.” His reply was husky, affected by the impromptu make-out session.

  “It’s been awhile since I’ve been caught in a High School.” I straightened out my dress, pushing off the wall. “Maybe they’ll give us detention.”

  Luke laughed, “Maybe. It wouldn’t be so bad if you were there with me.”

  The second half of the play dragged on. I would have been happy sneaking out before the ending so that we could be alone. I was startled when applause echoed through the theater. My attention had waned the last half; my mind was busy replaying the scene in the hallway.

  Luke and I made a b-line for his car, and the drive home seemed ten times longer. Luke’s hands gripped the steering wheel a little too tight, the white of his knuckles standing out in the dark car. He walked me silently up the apartment. Part of me wanted our night to continue, invite him in to pick up where we left off. The other part knew I would never forgive myself if I let things move too far too soon.

  “I had a really nice time tonight.” I made my decision, fumbling through my purse in an attempt to locate my keys.

  “I did too,” Luke responded, as I successfully pulled out my keys. “I can’t wait to see you again.”

  “Soon!” I pressed. He nodded, leaning down for another kiss. His lips met mine softly, without the hunger that had been present in the school.

  “Soon.” Muffled words, as he lifted his head. “I will call you tomorrow.”

  “Sounds good. I’ll be waiting.” My tone was as frazzled as I felt. I unlocked the door and watched him turn to walk away. I couldn’t contain my smile as I walked through the door. Maggie turned to acknowledge my arrival but was talking on her phone. I hung my coat on the hook and kicked off the painful heels before stumbling to the couch, collapsing clumsily.

  “Ally just got home. I’ll call you later.” Maggie ended her call and set the phone down on the coffee table.

  “It was incredible.” I gushed without any prompting. “One of the best nights I’ve had in a long time.”

  “So, you finally kissed then?” Maggie shifted on the couch to face me. “I need details.”

  “Yes, and it was so much better than I thought it would be.” I was breathless, “He was fantastic Mags.” I pulled my legs up onto the couch and gave Maggie the play by play. Her attention focused on every word pouring out of my mouth voluntarily.

  When I finally finished, Maggie leveled me with less than ten words. “Have you ever felt this way about anyone else?”

  My heart dropped. What I felt for Tim, what I had felt for Tim was so much stronger than this. No matter how I wrapped it, or how big the beautiful bow was, I would never feel that way about anyone else. All of the progress I had made unraveled, and for the first time in two weeks, he resurfaced. Tim was once again front and center in my mind. My reply was somber, “We’ll see how it goes.”

  Chapter 4

  Only Make-Believe

  “This Saturday, you and I are driving to Dallas and renting a hotel room,” Maggie exclaimed, handing me a file full of invoices. “Sarah is going to watch Kenzie.” She had been dead set on going to a new club that was opening in Dallas, and her announcement meant she was planning to take me with her.

  “Okay.” I took the folder out of her hand. “Can I borrow an outfit then? I don’t have anything to wear unless I chop mine up into something more suitable for a club.”

  “That was the plan.” Maggie smirked, “Oh my God, I cannot wait. This is go
ing to be so much fun. You know in all of this time, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk.”

  “I’m not sure if I will drink that much.” My response was hesitant. In my past life, drinking was a regular occurrence. If I drank more than a few, would it trigger other urges? I couldn’t slip back down that slope. “It’s been a while, so I’ll probably just take it easy.” Maggie didn’t argue, just spun back on her heels making her way back to her desk. I flipped the file open and filtered through the invoices.

  The days of the week droned on, time slowing to a halt. I was looking forward to Saturday, excited about the idea of dancing once again. Thanks to Luke, I was anxious to enjoy life again, and Maggie was taking full advantage.

  I packed an overnight bag early Saturday morning. It was all I could do to keep busy throughout the day. I think I repacked the bag a minimum of five times, including an emergency outfit in case I refused to wear Maggie’s choice. Sarah came over at three, and I was bouncing with excitement. Her arrival signaled the beginning of our girls’ night out.

  As I expected, Maggie arrived shortly after Sarah. I gave Kenzie a huge hug and a bunch of kisses before following Maggie out the door. “Give me a call if you need me,” I shouted to Sarah, who just waved me off with a smile.

  “She will be fine.” Sarah reassured. “Now go!” She laughed and shut the door on us. This marked the first night I would be apart from Kenzie. I’m sure I would’ve been more nervous if it were anyone other than Sarah watching Kenz, but I knew without a doubt Sarah would take care of her like she was her own. Kenzie was probably safer with Sarah than she was with me.

  The drive to Dallas took less time than it should have, mostly due to Maggie’s heavy foot. We quickly checked in to the hotel and made our way to our room. Maggie had her suitcase open on the bed within seconds and was pulling out articles of clothing, organizing combinations on top of the comforter. Her selections were much tamer than I had predicted. I settled on a short, denim skirt and a fitted black tank top, paired with black wedges and bangles. It was simple and comfortable, the complete opposite of Maggie, who was wearing a skin tight, red tube dress that reached just below her ass. She topped her outfit off with spiked four-inch heels.