Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  “I don’t understand Al. All of this just doesn’t make sense.” Tim’s face was twisted, his eyes searching mine for some clarity. “I just, I mean it’s not like you. You always talked to me about everything. At least I thought you did. Something had to have happened Al. I was completely blind-sided.”

  “I know, and I am so sorry. I lost myself and made a mistake.” I admitted. I had lost myself. Those two pink lines were something I had never expected to see. They weren’t in any future I saw for myself, and I didn’t know what direction to take.

  Tim finally sat down on the bed opposite me; worry lines creased his masculine face. “Lost yourself?” He squinted as if trying to see inside my mind. “Mistake?” Tim ran his hands over his face. “Did you stop caring about me?” His words cut like a thousand knives.

  Is that what he thought? Is that how I left him? The pain was unbearable, and I folded into myself, letting the tears fall. They streamed down my face uncontrollably, burning the dry skin of my cheeks.

  “No.” The denial was the most accurate word out of my mouth so far. It was concrete enough for him to believe me, but not enough to understand that I still cared deeply. “That wasn’t it. That had nothing to do with it.”

  “Then what was it?” His tone was impatient, with a hint of frustration. Was there a point in dragging out this conversation? I wanted to say so much more. I wanted him to understand. I wanted for him not to hate me when all was said and done.

  “I left because I loved you.” Parts of the script I had planned during the drive were returning in pieces. “I wanted you to have your life and your career. I wasn’t willing to risk that.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I knew they were the wrong ones. Tim held tightly to his stomach as if I had physically punched him.

  “My career?” His words were quiet, almost a whisper. “Ally, I don’t…”

  “Tim…” I took the biggest breath my lungs could hold. “I was pregnant.” The words were out. Turning back was no longer an option. He knew, whether he understood or not. I braced myself for his reaction.

  “Pregnant?” He echoed. My cheeks were hurting, burning from the continuous onset of the salted tears. The realization was setting in. “With a baby?”

  My initial reaction was to shoot back a sarcastic remark, both to lighten the mood and point out how silly his question was, but that wasn’t what we needed at that moment. “Yes.” My words were silent, barely spoken. “She just turned a year.” The anger had to be coming.

  “I…” tears slid down his face. “I have a daughter?” The surprise in his voice was unsettling. He wasn’t angry, at least not yet, and it shocked me. I nodded unable to form a sentence. “We have a daughter?” He was silent. Deathly quiet, taking in everything he had just learned.

  “You couldn’t trust me?” I wasn’t sure if this was a question or a statement. Either way, he was wrong.

  “No, it wasn’t that.” My head was pounding, as my vision blurred once again. “Tim, it was life changing. You guys were just starting to take off. I couldn’t take away everything you had worked so hard for.” I sniffed, grabbing a tissue off the nightstand. “And I needed to be clean. The baby needed me to be healthy, and it would have been hard to do that if I stayed.” I was searching for the right words. “You were the only person I ever trusted, so it had absolutely nothing to do with that.”

  “It wouldn’t have ruined anything.” He snapped. “You should have told me.”

  Finally, a sign of anger, still not to the level I was expecting. I used the tissue to wipe my nose, which had started to drip. “I was an idiot. I thought I was making the best decision for you, for her.” I shook my head. “Tim, I swear I thought I was doing the right thing. It wasn’t an easy decision.” I would always have to live with the fact that I stole his time with her, I stole a bond that you could never replace, and I stole his love from her.

  Tim ran his hands over his face again, pushing the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Can I see her?” He was genuinely asking my permission.

  “Of course, you can.” I agreed without hesitation. “Whenever you want. She’s your daughter too.” Now that he knew, I would never keep them apart. I had been unfair to both of them for far too long, and I was never going to let them happen again.

  “Would Monday be okay?” His eyes held mine, refusing to let me turn away.

  “Monday would be fine.”

  “God Al, things could have been so different.” His voice was sad, as he scribbled down my contact information on a piece of paper and entered my phone number into his cell. I let him know when I would be home on Monday so he could plan when to arrive. He asked questions about what she needed, what she liked and if there was anything he could do. Tim hadn’t changed at all, he was still the man I had fallen in love with, and with him back in my life I was in trouble.

  Chapter 8

  Intuition

  The stage was wide and dark. The lights remained dim as people found their way back to their seats following the intermission. This concert in San Antonio was the same as every other city we had visited during this tour, yet for some reason my stomach churned, and I was more nervous than usual. Something felt off.

  “You ready to go boys?” A voice asked through my ear piece. Would it have mattered if we weren’t? I was always tempted to answer ‘no’ just to see what they would do. The lights flashed, turning every face into a mere shadow. The piercing sound of the audience was borderline mind-numbing. Everything was routine as we played through our set. The performance was flowing as rehearsed, but this night seemed different. My nerves weren’t subsiding.

  The only difference with this performance was the debut of our new song. Given the emotion poured into each lyric, it was possible that was causing my anxiety. I had spent sleepless nights over the past few weeks, trying to perfect that song. The song that detailed my feelings for Ally, elaborated on the pointless devotion that had always remained. It felt natural to close my eyes and visualize Ally after introducing our new track to the audience. Seeing her helped, even if only for a moment in a faded memory. My fingers glided effortlessly along the neck of the guitar as the words fell from my lips. I could perform this song in my sleep. I had spent more time composing Ally’s song than any other.

  When I finally re-opened my eyes, my vision was blurred, the audience nothing more than outlines and shadows. I had to blink, refocusing as my imagination played tricks on me, seeing orange streak through the crowd. I blinked again only to open to the orange running up the stairs. My intuition took over. It was Ally. It had to be.

  Before I could even process anything, I had leaped off the stage. My legs climbed the nearest set of stairs, driven to find the woman dressed in orange. She wasn’t hard to find, and I reached to grab her, to hold her, to determine if she really was the woman I had been searching for.

  “Ally?” I turned her body to face me. Ally’s voice confirmed her identification before I could notice her appearance. She was different in ways that I hadn’t been expecting. Her cheeks were full, her body a little thicker, healthier than the last time we were together. Her eyes were empty and confused. None of that mattered; I was so thankful it was my Ally. I couldn’t bring her into my arms fast enough. I had been waiting too long for this moment to let it slip away.

  A woman who obviously knew Ally joined us, which brought me back to our surroundings. People were making their way toward us, and I had to act fast if I wanted to avoid a crazy mob of fans. I took Ally’s hand, ignoring the volt of electricity her skin caused and led her and her friend to the backstage area.

  Allison was within twenty feet before I realized the predicament I was in. Of all the nights she had decided to come to a concert, it had to be that night. I had been waiting over twenty months for this, to have Ally back in my life, and Allison had to be there to complicate things. I had to stop this from ending before it could even begin, and that meant keeping who Ally was from Allison. I had no choice but to interject. Lysey didn’t sit we
ll with me, but it kept my secret safe. Allison may not always be the brightest girl, but it wouldn’t take a genius to put two and two together when it came to my behavior and the name Ally.

  Allison was jealous, regardless. She was clueless of our history, yet she seemed to grasp that this girl held something over me. Her jealousy was the only reason she invited the girls to the after party. I couldn’t protest. I wanted a chance to talk to Ally, and I needed to get her alone. If my only shot were in a crowded club, I would gladly take it. My eyes met Ally’s trying to convey the message. Please keep quiet. She seemed to acknowledge.

  Waiting for the right moment to talk to Ally was painful. I had never been patient when it came to Ally. Allison was parading around on my arm, making herself the center of attention. Her behavior wasn’t new; she got off on making other women jealous. I hated when Allison did this but I also understood it. She made me happy, and I loved her for that, but with Ally here would that be enough? Could it be enough?

  It had to be. Ally had left me. The year it took to move on wasn’t going to be in vain. Allison was good for me, I knew that much, but Ally… Well, Ally was so much more. I needed to find out what the fuck had happened between us.

  Slipping away from the crowd turned out to be easier than I expected. I chickened out by sending Ian to find Ally. I knew if I went near her while she was dancing, I would take her on the floor for the entire world to see, and that couldn’t ever happen. I was hard just thinking about it. The kitchen was warm and uncomfortable, but it was quiet and no one would see us in here. Time stopped as I watched the door, waiting for her to push through. Maybe she wouldn’t come after all. I second guessed my plan, ready to go back out into the club. Just as I was about to push off the wall, Ally slipped through the doors gracefully. Awkwardness filled the room as we stared at each other. She was breathtaking, and it took everything in me not to close to space between us. The logical part of me, my brain, reminded me of how bad that idea would be.

  I said a silent prayer when Ally suggested her hotel room for privacy. She was onboard with the idea of talking. My heart raced, wanting to believe we weren’t a lost cause. Despite knowing better, I wanted things to go back to the way they were. I wanted Ally back in my life and back in my bed. Nothing would have prepared me for the bombshell she was about to drop.

  Pregnant? The word echoed in my head long after she had spoken it. How could that have been possible? I wouldn’t have missed that. I knew her better than I knew myself. If she were carrying my baby, I would have noticed. I would have picked up on the signs.

  I thought back to the last few weeks we had been together, trying to remember the details. Ally had been thinner back then, in part due to our habit. She hadn’t gained any weight before she left, and I couldn’t recall her ever being sick or nauseous. God, I couldn’t even remember her being late, let alone missing her period and Ally was always regular. I was disappointed in myself, furious. How could I have let her down like that?

  I tried imagining Ally, with a protruding stomach, our baby growing and moving inside of her. The image was distorted. I just couldn’t picture her being pregnant. It just didn’t fit. I missed every minute of her pregnancy. I missed the chance to watch her grow, to witness her carrying my child. That was an image I would have cherished forever.

  My daughter, our daughter. It made sense, the reason why she left, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I needed to meet our little girl. I needed to know she was real, and I wanted to be part of her life. I don’t know what I would have done if Ally hadn’t agreed. I spent the entire drive back to my hotel room trying to picture her face. A mini Ally with beautiful green eyes and blonde hair. She had to be the most beautiful child in the world.

  As surprising as this information had been, I knew it was news I needed to keep to myself. Having to wait to meet her wasn’t what I wanted to do. If there were no consequences, I would have driven Ally straight to her house and forced the meeting to happen. But in my world, there were consequences; photographers were waiting to snap pictures, and gossip magazines were waiting to create dramatic stories. There were tour dates that required playing, bandmates to appease, and a girlfriend waiting for me. She would be furious that our life would have to change.

  Strangely I felt alone in the hotel suite, despite the presence of Justin and Ian. I assumed Allison had left, catching a red eye back home. She wasn’t much for sticking around, and right now I was grateful for that. I wanted to be as alone as I felt. I wanted to spend time with my thoughts, replay every second of my conversation with Ally. In those moments of silence, I realized I hadn’t even asked her name. God, what kind of father was I going to be when I couldn’t even ask the right questions? I could blame it on shock, I mean it wasn’t every day someone discovered that they had a child they had never met.

  Daylight came quick and unwanted. I hadn’t slept well the night before, tossing and turning the time away. Ian and Justin remained deep in sleep as I rummaged through a pile of clothing on the floor. Might as well start packing since we would be leaving in a few hours, destined for the next city on the tour. Performing no longer held the same excitement as it had only the night before. I had more important things on my mind and hated that they would have to wait.

  “How was your night?” Justin questioned, rolling over to face me. He gave me a knowing look and suspicious smirk. It made me sick with undeserved guilt. Had he honestly thought I would screw her and leave? Make her nothing but an affair? His expression implied that was definitely what he thought.

  “Mind blowing,” I answered with the only response I could conjure. My mind was blown, just not in the way he was thinking. Justin would never be able to guess why the night was mind blowing and I wasn’t prepared to elaborate.

  “I’m sure it was.” He joked.

  “Not like you’re thinking.” I clarified, between gritted teeth. I was ready to throw a punch, make him take back the words, but Justin must have sensed my anger as he lifted his hands in surrender.

  The following two nights were the longest of my life, even longer than my nights after Ally left. I felt empty on stage, incomplete. All the progress I had made since Ally left came undone. I didn’t even feel alive, and the day I would meet the star of my life seemed like a millennium away.

  Allison hadn’t called over the past two days, which wasn’t unusual for her. Usually, I would call or text her, just to let her know I was thinking about her, but this time I wanted to radio silence. It was easier if I didn’t talk to her, not yet anyway. I hadn’t decided what I was going to say to her, or how much I was going to let her know. I knew my life was going to change, that my priorities were different. If Allison and I were going to last, I needed to include her in this, but my intuition told me to leave her in the dark; that not telling her about this child was the right decision. How was I going to pull off this secret?

  By Monday morning we were in California. I had booked a four-and-a-half-hour flight, with one short layover, back to Texas, and I wasn’t looking forward to how much time it would give me to think. I would be landing in Houston and renting a car for the two-hour drive to Ally’s place. The research I had done hadn’t given me much useful information. The city Ally was living in was small, and I was praying I could go unnoticed.

  She didn’t seem like a small-town girl to me, never had. The Ally I knew had always been busy, so eager to seek out excitement, find her very own way to take on the world. Apparently, having a child had changed her. I just didn’t know how much. Would I even have the chance to find out? I wasn’t holding my breath. She had probably moved on as well. It wasn’t reasonable to expect her not to be in a relationship, even though I couldn’t stomach the thought.

  Jealousy tore through me as I pictured her in another man’s arms. The whole situation wasn’t fair. I never gave her up. She never gave me a choice, but I had moved on, and she deserved that too, even if I didn’t like it.

  “I’m flying to Miami,” I informed Ian, my suit
case of lies weighing heavily in my hand. “I’ll be back tomorrow.” Ian was the safer bet, telling him would result in fewer questions. I had intentionally waited until Justin had gone down to the hotel pool for his morning swim.

  “What for?” He barely glanced up from the book he was reading, precisely the reaction I had been expecting.

  “I’m going to look at a beach house,” I replied a legitimate excuse. Allison and I had been talking about buying a beach house for the past couple of months.

  “Okay.” He replied. “See you tomorrow.” No further questions. It was easier than I expected.

  I used the self-check-in at the airport, with the bill of my hat pulled low, a pair of thick framed glasses and a dusting of facial hair. The first flight was long. I debated calling Allison while I waited for my connecting flight. She would probably call at some point today, considering she was back into the work week and was usually bored by noon. It was already eleven-thirty her time. It was safer to call, rather than let her call when I was almost to, or worse at Ally’s place.

  My fingers dialed the number automatically. “Hey, Al.” I forced a smile.

  “Hey, you.” She sounded preoccupied

  “I just thought I would call to let you know I’ll be in Miami.” Consistency was important; I was sticking to my story. “I probably won’t be available to talk.” More than that, my cell phone would be turned off. This way I would avoid any questions.

  “Oh, okay.” She was barely paying attention, probably with someone in the studio. “Call me when you can then. You’re coming to see me Thursday, right?”

  “Yep, I will be there Thursday.”

  “I’m a little busy though. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.” She ended the conversation.

  “You too.” The phone clicked. I sat quietly in the private lounge of the airport, keeping my head down, avoiding contact with the people walking on the other side of the tinted windows. Even disguised, it was rare I could go out in a public place without being approached by someone. Another thing I needed to take into consideration. How long could I manage to hide while traveling? The last thing I needed was a paparazzi following me.