Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  During the second flight, the nerves started to build. I still had a two-hour drive before I would arrive at Ally’s and even then, I would have an hour wait until the time Ally said she would be home.

  The drive was eye opening. The town was smaller than I had pictured. Her apartment was eye opening, and not in a good way. How could I allow her to live like this? I knew I couldn’t let her think I disapproved. She was making it work without any help from me.

  The stairs creaked as I climbed carefully. The hallway was narrow, the paint worn and cracked. The air was warm and stifling. I couldn’t help but hope Ally had an air conditioner. I sighed loudly, staring at her door trying to build up the courage to knock. My legs felt like solid concrete, too heavy for me to move. I raised my fist to the wood and rapped my knuckles. The sound echoed through the hall, so loud I was worried her neighbor would open their door.

  Chapter 9

  She’s Yours

  “Do you miss it?” Maggie asked, drumming her fingers on the leather wrapped steering wheel. Her eyes were dark, showing her exhaustion.

  “Sometimes,” I admitted. My life with Tim was exciting, and I missed the long nights, the changing scenery and the music. The past night’s events were still murky. Everything seemed unrealistic. Tim’s reaction had been flawless. The other shoe would have to drop at some point. The anger would come after the shock wore off.

  “This is insane.” The bluntness of Maggie’s words hit hard. She was right; it was insane. I shouldn’t have agreed with him meeting Kenzie. It would never work. I didn’t want him to walk into her life, only to leave again and again. There was no possible way he could balance her and his schedule. That had been one of the reasons I had left in the first place, but I couldn’t take it back. He was going to be part of her life, in some way, shape, or form.

  I stayed silent for most of the drive back home. My mind was preoccupied, worried about how this turn of events was going to play out. I was concerned about Luke. I wanted our relationship to continue. Tim had moved on, and so had I, and those relationships were the ones that mattered. If Luke ever found out about Tim, it would destroy us. He was involved with Kenzie, and this wouldn’t be fair to him. What other choice did I have, but to keep it a secret? I couldn’t explain it, without Luke witnessing my entire life unraveling. Ultimately, I was nothing more than a recovering cocaine addict, playing games with my daughter’s life.

  My apartment was quiet when I walked through the door, Kenzie was sleeping, and Sarah was on the couch watching television. I hadn’t realized how late it was. Time had ceased to exist the moment that Tim’s hand touched my arm.

  “Sorry.” I apologized, dropping my bag onto the floor. Sarah pushed herself off the couch.

  “No problem.” She yawned. “Luke called. I told him you would call him when you got in.” I pulled my phone out of my purse, confirming it was indeed dead. Luke was more than likely worried.

  “Thanks.” I collapsed on the couch. “I’ll call him in a minute.”

  “How was the concert?” Sarah looked as drained as I felt. Kenzie must have kept her busy.

  “It was… interesting.” That word fit perfectly.

  “As much as I want to talk longer, can I take a rain check? I’m running on empty.” Those were my thoughts exactly. It would also give me an opportunity to call Luke. Sarah was gone within minutes, leaving me alone in the silence. The silence was more than I could handle. My thoughts screamed too loudly, so I picked up my landline after plugging in my cell and called Luke.

  “Hey, babe.” Luke’s relieved voice answered after a single ring.

  “I missed you.” I gushed, searching for the comfort he provided.

  “Not as much as I missed you.” Luke flirted. “Do you want me to come over?”

  “Absolutely.” A smile invaded my face. Luke was the perfect distraction from the carnage left behind from the hurricane of the night before. He was everything I was ever going to need, and I had every intention of taking our relationship to the next level. If Tim could move on, then why shouldn’t I. I liked Luke, and whether my motives were from jealousy or actual desire was irrelevant. Tonight, was my night with Luke and nothing was going to stop that.

  In what seemed like only minutes, Luke was knocking on my door. Luke’s face was a sight for sore eyes. He was a reminder of the life I had, the life I worked so hard to create for myself and Kenzie. Seeing Tim again couldn’t destroy this. I wasn’t going to be left behind, alone.

  I leaped into his arms, pressing my lips forcefully against his. My body shuddered as his arms wrapped around my waist. The moment was getting closer. Luke pulled away, breaking the increasing intensity.

  “You must have missed me.” He mused. “If this is the way you greet me, maybe you should go away more often.”

  “You have no idea.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and lifted onto my toes, meeting his lips again. I continued to kiss him, moving my way across his chin, trailing my way down his neck. Luke leaned his head back against the door, giving me better access.

  I had just started to increase the pressure, adding in a couple of light nips when Luke used both hands to push me away. “Maybe we should watch a movie or something.” His arms kept me at a distance, as he looked over my shoulder toward the couch. I liked what we had going on while standing, but if he wanted to get horizontal, I wasn’t going to argue. I nodded and let him lead me to the couch.

  Luke surprised me by turning on Netflix and selecting a comedy. At least we wouldn’t be getting it on to a documentary. He settled into the corner of the couch and pulled me into his chest. I shifted uncomfortably, trying to determine how to make the moment about more than just cuddling. I slipped one hand under his T-shirt and used my fingers to trace random patterns. I was out of practice when it came to initiating intimacy. I tilted my head up to kiss, suck and nip at his neck while using my index finger to trace the waist band of his khaki shorts. Luke remained completely still, eyes glued to the television. My frustration was growing.

  “Argh,” I grunted. Luke’s body tensed underneath me.

  “What’s wrong.”

  “Obviously me.” I didn’t mean for those words to come out, they just slipped.

  “What?” His voice was full of actual concern. Subtle cues weren’t working, and I wasn’t going to make it through trying to verbalize what I wanted. My only option was a direct approach. Any nerves I might have had disappeared with the thought of Bambi. Tonight was going to happen, even if I had to run the whole goddamn show.

  I didn’t answer him. Instead, I kissed him with more force than I used at the door. I pushed him down onto the couch and pressed my breasts into his chest. Luke’s lips stopped moving against mine, and the fear of rejection took root. I didn’t want to stop, but Luke wasn’t receptive.

  Luke abruptly pushed up off the couch, keeping my body tight to his, flipping me onto my back. The sudden pressure of his lips kept me off guard. Relief that Luke wasn’t stopping made me smile under his mouth. His fingers traced my face as his mouth owned mine.

  I fisted his shirt in my hands, pulling him closer, enjoying the pressure as he ground his hips against mine, his erection pressing into my inner thigh. I wanted to be closer, explore more of him. I slipped my hand under his shirt and tugged upward. Luke lifted off me long enough to help me remove the material. I ran my hands over his bare chest, relishing the contact.

  “Are you sure?” Luke was breathless, moving his lips against the lobe of my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

  I groaned. “Never more.”

  Luke wasted no time, his hands finding their way under my shirt, pulling it over my head.

  “Wow Al.” He pressed his lips between my breasts, slipping one finger into the cup of my black, lace bra. He traced along the edge. “You are even more beautiful than I imagined.” His tongue traced the same path as his finger, earning a shiver from me in response as I arched my breasts closer to his mouth, begging for attention.

 
“Do you want it off babe?” Luke’s hand moved toward my back as I nodded in agreement. With one quick flick, the clasp came undone, and the straps were sliding off my shoulders. He worked the straps off completely and pushed my bra to the floor. He groaned loudly, pressing his hips into mine before he bent to take a nipple into his mouth. He swirled his tongue around the pebbled bud, causing me to buck into him.

  I needed more of him. I was pulsing, aching for relief. My fingers found the button to his shorts and fumbled to fit it through the hole. Luke lifted his hips allowing easier access to his zipper. I slipped my hand under the waist band of his boxer briefs, fisting his silky skinned cock for the first time. I had forgotten how incredible it felt to hold this power over a man as he twitched against my palm.

  “Ally…” His voice strained as he raised from the couch. He kicked off his shorts and leaned down to scoop me up.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I am not making love to you for the first time on the couch.” He explained as I curled my naked breasts against his chest, while he carried me to the bedroom. He made quick work of my shorts and panties, before stepping out of his underwear. “Just a sec.” He stopped, turning back to the living room. I propped myself up on my elbows to watch his toned retreating ass. He returned seconds later, foil package in hand. God, how stupid had I been? I hadn’t even considered protection. Luke sheathed himself in latex in one fluid movement before lining himself with my center. His eyes held mine as he entered my body. The sensation was foreign but pleasant. Luke felt different from how I remembered Tim. He wasn’t urgent or intense; he was slow and passionate. It was satisfying, but not mind blowing. I could live with this.

  “I love you,” Luke stated simply, rolling off me, his chest rising and falling as he reached down to remove the condom. He ran his fingers through my hair. I could only sigh in response, completely spent. “Al, I’ve been thinking.”

  Luke brought me down from my high. Worry took its place. I hadn’t considered that making Luke wait so long, also meant I could let him down. I delayed my response, taking a minute to prepare myself. “Ya?”

  Luke stroked my arm, rhythmically moving up and down. “I love you, and I love Kenzie, and I can’t imagine my life without the two of you. I’ve been thinking that maybe it would make sense if we moved in together.”

  I almost choked on air. My immediate concern was how I would be able to manage Tim’s relationship with Kenzie. It would be impossible to keep it a secret from Luke if we were living under the same roof. I mean I wasn’t planning on keeping it a secret forever, just long enough for Tim and me to figure this out. But I couldn’t do that with Luke around. My second worry was that this was happening way too fast. Spending time together was one thing, living together was a big, complicated, messy thing. “I’ll think about it.” My response was non-committal.

  Luke played house at my apartment for the remainder of the weekend, leaving Kenzie and me only once to retrieve clean clothing. Our relationship had changed after having sex. Luke acted more like the man of the household instead of a guest and mentioned us living together several times. Things were a bit uncomfortable for me, but I had faith things would smooth over once the newness wore off.

  Monday morning came, regardless of my hesitation. The day would be long, I expected that, between my need to see Tim again and the unknown of what may or may not happen. I had solved the Luke dilemma for the evening easily, simply by telling him I had an old friend coming to visit. I sold the story that they would only be in town for the night and should have my undivided attention. He didn’t seem to question the information, making it much easier for me to twist the truth.

  To be safe, I turned down Luke’s offer to drive us home and opted for the bus. I had forgotten how long the trip took, with the driver stopping for lengthy periods of time at each stop. Before then, I had always appreciated the long stops, giving me time to load and unload the stroller, but on that day, I wanted the express option. Kenzie was tired and falling asleep in my arms. Her exhaustion only meant we were going to be in for a cranky meet and greet.

  Tim was waiting in the parking lot, sitting in a rental car. I wasn’t expecting for him to arrive for at least another hour, thinking I would have time to feed and bath Kenzie. I wasn’t worried about my place. The apartment was spotless. I had done that the night before with Luke. Ready or not, I pushed the stroller up to the car.

  “Hi.” I felt awkward talking through the open window.

  “Hi.” Tim choked, emotion thick in his voice. I couldn’t see his eyes with his ball cap pulled down, but I knew he was looking at our daughter for the first time.

  “Do you want to come in?” Stupid question, but I had nothing else to say.

  “Yes.” Tim swung the car door open and stepped out. He looked amazing; his jeans hung deliciously from his ass, his dark-brown shirt clung to his muscular chest. Tim had bulked up over the past twenty-months. He walked beside me as I led him into the building.

  I crouched down and unbuckled Kenzie, scooping her into my arms, using my other hand to fold the stroller. Balancing Kenzie on my hip, I picked up the stroller and started the trek up the two flights of stairs.

  “Here, let me take that.” Tim took the stroller out of my hand.

  “Thanks.” My cheeks reddened. Neither of us said a word as we climbed the stairs. I unlocked the door and pushed it open, nervous for what was waiting for us on the other side.

  “This is it,” I announced, taking off my sandals and placing Kenzie on the floor. She sat still watching Tim curiously.

  “It’s nice.” He was polite, but his expression gave away his distaste.

  “It’s not too bad,” I replied, trying not to be defensive. I had no idea what to say to him, the night was going to be painful if we didn’t break the ice.

  “Did you name her McKenzie?” His question surprised me. I hadn’t even realized I never told him her name. Part of me was thrilled he remembered. Of course, he remembered, he was the one that loved the name.

  “Kenzie.” I corrected. “It suited her better.” His grin reached from ear to ear.

  “I love it.” His attention turned to her. “Hi, Kenzie.” I was even more interested in her response. She crawled willingly to his feet and stood up, reaching for him. Kenzie wanted him.

  Tim didn’t hesitate to pick her up, cradling her to his chest. “Daddy’s here.” He soothed. “Daddy’s here.”

  Guilt seeped through my pores. I attempted to busy myself, to keep my emotions in check. Kenzie needed to eat, so supper was a perfect distraction. I let Tim and Kenzie bond as I worked in the kitchen,

  Tim spent the time down on the floor with Kenzie, playing. He kept her entertained, making exaggerated gestures and funny cartoon sound effects. Kenzie kept him entertained by showing every one of her toys proudly. Kenzie was comfortable with Tim like she had known him all along.

  “Do you want something to eat?” I asked Tim, as I scooped Kenzie’s portion into her bowl.

  “Sure.” He responded, picking her up. “Time for supper Miss Kenz.” His lips touched her forehead.

  I dished out two plates of pasta and set them down on the table, as he buckled Kenzie into her high chair.

  “This looks delicious.” He complimented, finally making eye contact with me. I nearly combusted, his blue pools setting my senses on fire. “I don’t remember you cooking before.”

  “I don’t think I ever really did before.” I had to laugh. I could say with certainty that I had never cooked anything for Tim during the time we were together.

  “Well, it’s terrific,” Tim confirmed, after finishing a mouthful. I shoved a fork full into my mouth, allowing for him to continue eating without the feeling the need to force a conversation.

  My attention kept being drawn to Tim while we ate. I couldn’t help it. He was the most attractive man I had ever seen. Hazed’s fan following wasn’t a surprise once you met the three core musicians behind the band. They were each God like in th
eir own way. I took my time studying his features, taking advantage of the opportunity. I missed his longer hair. His hair still looked good, it suited him, but it wasn’t the same as before. I used to love running my fingers through it. I watched the muscles in his forearms flex as he moved his hand from the plate to his mouth, praying he wouldn’t notice.

  Sadness set in when I realized that for all the times I was stealing glances, he had never looked my way. I no longer held the same attraction for him as I had before. It was evident that he had moved on.

  Kenzie’s face was a red mess when I finally turned my attention back to her. She had smeared sauce across her cheeks, forehead, and chin. I couldn’t help but burst into a fit of laughter.

  “Bath time Kenz,” I stated, pushing my plate away.

  “Can I help?” Tim asked, rising from his chair. He unbuckled Kenzie, unfazed by her messy state.

  “Sure,” I replied, picking up the dirty dishes and carrying them over to the sink. “If you want.” His eyes were on mine for a second, watching my movements. My heart was playing with my mind, trying to read things that just weren’t there.

  “Where’s your bathroom?”

  “Down the hall.” I sighed. “Just one second.” I placed the dishes into the sink and led him into the bathroom. I was self-conscious as I turned the tap and tested the water temperature. Tim was watching me; I could feel his eyes on me. “I just need to get her bath things.” I left him alone with her in the bathroom and went into her bedroom to pull out a towel, wash cloths, and a sleeper. I was dreading how soon he would be leaving already.

  Tim had carefully placed her in the tub, splashing lukewarm water over her body. She was giggling, enjoying every moment with her father. My eyes blurred, glossed over by tears I was trying to fight. How could I have ever taken this away from her? How could I have been so selfish? I was a horrible person, the lowest of the low, too scared to face him with the truth – scared that he wouldn’t have wanted or loved this baby. And it was all for not. He was in love with her. He had been since the moment he laid eyes on her.