Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  “Al?” He followed me in, kneeling beside me, holding my hair back. “Babe, are you sure you’re feeling better?”

  Tears streamed down my face. What the hell had I done? Luke was perfect. I could not ask for a better boyfriend, and I just ruined things. Before I was a liar, but for a good reason. Now I was a liar and a cheat with no valid justification. Luke waited for me to brush my teeth and wipe my tears before helping me to the bedroom. Luke didn’t press me further as he laid me down and climbed next to me, massaging my back while I sobbed into the pillow. I was almost asleep when my cell phone rang.

  Luke reached for it before I could object. “Hello?” His voice brought me back to life. “Yep, she’s right here. Just a second.” He sat up, gently lifting my head.

  I took the phone from his hand. “Hello?” I prayed that the voice on the other end belonged to Maggie or Sarah, but Tim’s very male voice came through.

  “Hi.” He spoke quietly. “I just called to see how you and Kenzie were doing?” I could hear loud noises in the background. He must have been getting ready for a performance.

  “We’re okay,” I replied, turning away from Luke.

  “Can you call me back when you’re alone?” Tim asked, his voice filled with angst. “I can’t talk knowing he’s there.”

  “Sure,” I agreed. “I think that’s a good idea.”

  “Fuck, this is killing me.” Tim groaned. “I miss you. I miss Kenzie. I just want to be there right now.” He let the silence hang between us. “I will talk to you later.”

  “Okay.” My words were barely a whisper. “I’ll call you later.” Luke was watching me, his expression curious. I ended the call and set my phone on the end table.

  “Who is Mac N Cheese?” I had to contain my laughter, recalling how Tim changed the KD to Mac N Cheese, stating he had deserved the upgrade.

  “It’s a long story,” I responded, honestly. “Can we talk about it later? I’m not really in the mood right now.” Luke wrapped his arms around me.

  “Sure.” He huffed. “I don’t want any secrets between us Al. Right now, I feel like you have secrets. I’m not going to force them out of you, but I wish you could be open with me.” I nodded and pretended to drift off to sleep.

  I spent the night staring at Luke. He was beautiful in his own right, a man any woman would be fortunate to have. A man I was lucky to have. I had to talk to him and come clean, even though I knew that meant he would probably leave. He didn’t deserve what I had done to him. No one did.

  The following night Luke was withdrawn. I had noticed his coldness at work, and it continued into the evening. We were lying on the couch watching some random television show to which neither of us were paying much attention. I still hadn’t talked to him about who had been on the phone the other night, and it was clear he was upset about it.

  “Where did you get the new dishes?” Luke finally broke the silence. He was keeping distance between us. “I know you’re doing the best you can with your finances, but babe you can’t afford to buy high-end dishes. There are other, more important things to spend money on.”

  I remained silent for a moment, staring at my hands. It felt like Luke was reprimanding me for spending money coupled with dictating how I should spend it. I wanted to be angry, but I just couldn’t be. “You’re right. It was an impulse buy.”

  “When we move in together, then we can afford those things.” I nodded. Maybe I should just agree to live together. I wanted to make it up to him, for what I did. I needed to talk to him about Tim, to get things out in the open. Luke would need to be involved so that I could save our relationship.

  I would talk to Tim about it then next day when he showed up. He had to understand why we couldn’t keep going this way. He had to be going through the same issues.

  “Luke, do you mind if we spend the night apart?” I wanted him out of the apartment, in case Tim showed up in the morning. He had mentioned trying to catch an early flight. “I’m still not feeling that well, and I don’t want you to catch it.”

  Luke looked at me with doubt. “Al, I wouldn’t care about catching a cold.” He chewed his nails as he stared at me. He never chewed his nails. “Ally, are you on birth control?” His question caught me off guard. “I mean, I know we used protection, but they aren’t one hundred percent, and you’ve just seemed so off lately.” He thought I was pregnant? I was definitely not pregnant. I had proof of that as of last night.

  “I’m not pregnant Luke.”

  “It would be okay if you were.” No, it definitely wouldn’t be.

  “I’m not.”

  “So, you just want space then?” Luke looked hurt.

  “I’m just not feeling well.” That had to buy me time until I could talk to Tim.

  Luke left shortly after. He was upset when he left, but didn’t try to talk to me about it. I felt like I was losing him. Everything I had worked so hard for was coming unglued.

  I couldn’t sleep once again and pulled out Kenzie’s song in an attempt to busy myself. I didn’t even hear Tim when he came in. I was running on empty and beyond the point of exhaustion, knowing I needed to talk to Tim about being open with Luke, before I would ever feel rested again. Tim wanted to push the conversation off. He had a valid point, trying to have this conversation without any sleep would be useless.

  By the time the evening came, our conversation about telling Bambi and Luke turned into a strategic plan for damage control. I wanted to be furious that Tim had exposed Kenzie to the paparazzi, but that wasn’t fair. He only wanted to have a typical father/daughter experience. I couldn’t fault him for that, but the news did mean we needed to come clean before the photos hit the tabloids.

  The next morning when I went into the office, Luke wasn’t there. I sent him a text only to receive four dreaded words back, ‘We need to talk.’ I was almost positive no photos had leaked at that point. Tim had called his publicist, who was supposed to advise me when they leaked.

  Luke showed up at my apartment an hour after Kenzie’s bedtime. His hands were tucked in his pockets when I answered the door.

  “Hi.” I greeted, opening the door wider to let him in.

  “Hey.” He made it about five steps before turning to face me. “Ally, where was Kenzie yesterday?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Was she at daycare?” He didn’t give me a chance to respond. “I mean, that’s where she goes while you’re at work, right?”

  “Yes.” I was confused by his line of questions.

  “That’s what I thought.”

  “Luke, why are you asking?” I was expecting our conversation to focus on us, rather than her childcare.

  “Ally, who was she with yesterday?” His eyes were dark and angry. “I saw her, at the park. Who was she with?”

  “Oh my god. You were the one in the car.” I exclaimed, putting two and two together.

  “Who. Was. The. Guy.” Luke punctuated each word with force.

  I looked away from him. “Kenzie’s father.” I finally replied.

  “What?” Luke exploded. “Kenzie’s father? What are you talking about?”

  “Never mind.”

  “Nu uh.” He grabbed my hand as I tried to walk away. “You are not walking away from this Al.” He stopped and stared at me for a minute, in complete and utter silence. “That’s who called the other night, Mac N Cheese?”

  Luke dropped my hand, covering his face with both hands. “Okay, so what does he want?” His eyes were red and watering when he finally looked at me. “Why is he here now?”

  “He wants to be involved in Kenzie’s life.” My answer was simple. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, but I didn’t know how to.” Luke was fighting his back tears. I was shocked to witness him falling apart.

  “How involved?” He made no attempt to turn away from me.

  “I don’t know yet. We are still figuring things out.” Tim was dedicated to his daughter up to that point, but once he started letting people know about her, Ba
mbi included, that could very well change.

  The room fell into an awkward silence, while Luke looked around, avoiding eye contact. The ring of my phone barely caused Luke to flinch. He motioned to my phone and with an emotionless tone, demanded I answer it.

  “Hello?” My eyes met Luke’s, which was a mistake given that they reflected hurt and confusion.

  “Hey Al,” Tim greeted quietly. “You alone?”

  “Give me a sec,” I replied, covering the phone, turning toward Luke. “I have to take this. I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.” He didn’t acknowledge me. I walked toward the bedroom, shutting the door tightly behind me.

  “So, I take it that’s a no.” Tim’s voice came through a little louder. “How are you making out?”

  “Not the greatest,” I admitted. “I just told Luke.”

  “You told him we slept together?”

  “No, no.” I quickly corrected. “I told him about your involvement in Kenzie’s life. I’m respecting your wishes on the other. How is everything going on your end?”

  “I haven’t talked to Allison yet, so I haven’t had to deal with it yet. I’m sorry Al. I never meant to put you in this position.”

  “Don’t apologize. It’s just as much my fault.” For as much guilt as I felt for what happened between us, I didn’t regret it. “You can hold off on telling Bambi if you want. Luke was the one in the car at the playground. There won’t be any photos coming out.”

  “Shit,” Tim replied, understanding what that meant for me. “Bambi?”

  “Sorry, Allison.”

  “I get it.” He chuckled. “That’s much more creative than ‘Asshole.’” Tim became quiet, the background noise taking over our call. “I miss you, and I can’t wait until Sunday.”

  I couldn’t either, but before I had a chance to let those words slip, Luke opened the door. “Do you want me to stay tonight?” I knew it was intentional. He said it loud enough to make sure whoever was on the other end of the phone heard it. “I would like to be here when Kenzie wakes up.” He was going overboard, but I understood his purpose. He wanted to let Tim know his place.

  Tim cursed under his breath. “Whatever you want Al.” He whispered. “I have never hated my career more than I do right now. You and Kenz deserve someone in your life who can be there every day.” I hated his words.

  Luke had shut the door before I gave him an answer. We both knew he wouldn’t be staying tonight. Too much had happened. He needed time to process it all and make a decision on whether or not he wanted me anymore.

  “Do you have to go?” Tim asked, his voice rough.

  “I probably should.” I hesitated. “Do you really want me just to ignore the other night?”

  “I think we should. We were both in the wrong.”

  “Okay.” My voice was weak. “I’ll see you Sunday then.”

  “I’ll call you tomorrow. If that’s okay.” A beat of silence had fallen between us before Tim threw me for a loop. “I still miss you, you know.” His messages were mixed and perplexing.

  “That’s fine. Have a good concert. I will talk to you tomorrow.”

  Luke didn’t stay for much longer. Both men left me confused. I had always believed you couldn’t be in love with two people at the same time, and yet I was. Two very different men and for two very different reasons.

  Luke had been MIA since he found out about Tim. I had sent him numerous messages and left at least five voicemails over the past two days. I wanted to figure out where we stood, but he obviously required more time. There was no choice other than to give it to him and hope he could find a way to move past it, or at least if he ended things, didn’t hate me.

  Tim was due back that day. He knew that Luke wasn’t speaking to me and had been supportive, assuring me that he just needed time. It made our greeting weird when he arrived on Sunday.

  I flipped through the channels aimlessly, while Tim put Kenzie to sleep. I focused on the sound of his voice, escaping the chaos that was my life. It wasn’t long before he joined me on the couch. I poured myself a glass of wine and took a sip before sliding his guitar strap over my shoulder. My plan for the evening was to keep us busy, working on Kenzie’s song.

  “I’ve been playing around a bit with some ideas,” I stated, strumming a few chords. My ability to play the guitar was minimal, but Tim had taught me enough to fool around. I adjusted my fingers until I had the first few bars and added the lyrics, singing the words I had written. Tim listened intently, taking a sip from my wine glass. When I finished, I looked to him for feedback.

  “I like it.” He responded. “Can I see?” He reached for the guitar. I slipped the strap off and handed it to Tim. Tim strummed the same chords but added more to them. He remembered the words I had sung and added more harmony to the song. He continued, past the new lyrics I had written. I was enthralled, listening to him use the lyrics we worked on together, combined with new lyrics I had never heard. It was breath taking. I could feel myself being drawn to him, not even realizing how close we had become until he stopped playing.

  “Ally.” Tim shifted his position, setting the guitar down on the coffee table. “I think we need to be careful. Keep some distance between us.” My movements were abrupt, as I righted myself. I hadn’t even put effort into making a move, and I was already being shut down.

  “I…I…” I was stammering, taken aback by his reaction. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t… I hadn’t realized what I was doing.” I wanted to be defensive; I didn’t do anything wrong. But that ship had sailed.

  “I know. I just can’t promise that I can stop myself.” He finished off my glass of wine in one gulp, wincing slightly. “I couldn’t stop myself the first time, and I can’t stop think about doing it again.” He forced himself to his feet. “I find it hard to be away from you and Kenzie, but I also find it extremely difficult to be around the two of you.” He was pacing between the living room and the kitchen; his turning point was the very spot we had made love just a few short days ago. “I know that you have moved on. I know that I have moved on. I think anything that happens between us can only be a mistake.” He sighed heavily, frustrated. “I just don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore.”

  My heart was heavy while I played back his words in slow motion. I knew he was right, logically, but emotionally it was not something I wanted to accept. I sat silently on the couch, trying to decide what words I should say back to him. “I’m sorry this is so hard. And I’m sorry that everything about us seems to be fucked up.” When I finally stood up, it was with frustration. “Do you think I meant for this to happen? Any of it?” I shook my head. “Can we just be adults about this?”

  Tim stopped in his tracks. “If I could think around you that might help.”

  “I think I need sleep.” This conversation couldn’t continue. My head and heart were spinning, and with the way things were going, I was going to end up the one who was left alone. He nodded in agreement as I quickly turned to exit the room, putting distance between us.

  “Ally,” Tim called after me. “This will get better.”

  I hadn’t realized until I climbed into bed, that I was choking on tears, my throat burning from the raw emotion. Since leaving Tim, there had been many rough nights, numerous times when I was scared and alone, but that night trumped them all. It was one thing to make the choice to leave, to choose to be alone, it was another to be abandoned, and if I weren’t careful, I would be caught of guard.

  I laid awake replaying the past couple of days. After everything I had done, I knew I didn’t deserve either one of them. Luke had been dedicated to both Kenzie and me from day one, and he would provide an incredible future for us. I could be happy with him. He deserved someone who was not only happy but head-over-heels in love, and I couldn’t give him that. Tim, on the other hand, was running himself into the ground trying to be there for Kenzie. My heart belonged to him, no matter how much I tried to fight it.

  Someone like me deserved to be alone and if I weren’
t selfish, I would walk away from both of them. But I was selfish, and since Tim was pushing me away, I needed to find a way to win Luke back. I would pretend the affair never happened and be a faithful and loving partner to Luke.

  It was around three in the morning when I heard a soft knock on my door. “Al, can we talk?” Tim’s voice was low, and instinctively I knew he had been crying.

  “Ya.” I struggled to respond through the lump in my throat. Tim opened the door, peeking in, his eyes red rimmed and his shoulders hunched.

  He made his way over to my bed and sat on the end, with his back toward me. “I know I’m all over the place. I know I’m making this harder on both of us, and I can say I’m sorry a million times, but it won’t fix anything.” Tim’s head dropped into his hands, as I remained curled in the fetal position with the blankets pulled up to my chin.

  He continued. “You need to understand that I have gone from being heartbroken to being heartbroken and lost. The day you left, you destroyed me. I thought when I found you again, that it would fix everything. We could be us again. I could feel whole again, and everything would be okay.”

  “But then I never found you. You never came back. You never called. You completely disappeared, and eventually, I had to move on for my sanity. So I did, and I was happy.” Tim raised his head, staring out into the empty hallway.

  “And then, somehow you appeared again. When all was finally right in my world, there you were.” He paused, allowing the room to fill with silence. “Now, that would have screwed up my life on a good day. No matter what happened in the past, you will always own part of me so that would have affected my life regardless. Of course, that wasn’t even close to what you did to me.” Tim cleared his throat.

  “Ally, I don’t think you realize how confused you’ve made me. I don’t know how I can be so happy and so angry all at the same time. I don’t know how I can love and hate the same person one thousand times over. I don’t know how I can want to run away and pull you close all at once. You’ve destroyed me and completed me all in a couple of weeks, and I just don’t know what to do about it.”