Hazed

by Nicole Howard

  “Tim…” I closed my eyes, hot streams of tears finding their way to my pillow.

  “No, this is my time to speak. I know you’re in here contemplating the same damn things that I am, but you’ve had almost two years to figure this out, and I’ve only had a couple of weeks. I want our family, but it’s not mine to have. I want your heart, but I have to share it with someone else, and I just can’t do that.” The silence between us was deafening.

  Another week had passed before Luke resurfaced at the office. While I knew I was struggling with everything, I was holding it together and doubted anyone could tell I was a mess by the way I appeared on the outside. Luke, on the other hand, looked like shit. He hadn’t shaved in days, the skin under his eyes was a dark shade of purple, and his dress shirt was wrinkled. His appearance was nothing like the regular Luke.

  He avoided me the entire morning, and because I didn’t want to add to things, I left him alone. At eleven-thirty he sent me an email, asking if we could talk over lunch. It was important to me to figure out where we stood, and whether or not we were still a couple. Luke didn’t say a word to me as we left the building and walked to his car. His silence continued until we parked in an empty parking lot, five minutes away from the office.

  “Ally, I’ve been thinking. A lot.” He ran a hand over his overgrown scruff. “And I want to be with you. Even after everything, I still want us.”

  “I do too.”

  “But…” He raised one hand to quiet me. “You need to be honest with me. No more secrets.” I nodded, in complete agreement. “And I want to move in together. That way we can always figure things out together.”

  That was a request I could get behind. If Luke were willing to give me another chance, I would do whatever it took to earn it. Moving in together might not have been something I was ready for, but I wasn’t in the right place to argue.

  “Okay.” My response was a single word.

  “Al, I’ve missed you and Kenz.” He reached out a hand to cup my face. “I never want to go through that kind of hurt again.”

  “I’m so sorry Luke. I will do whatever it takes to make this work.” I wanted to comment on his disappearance act, show him how angry I was that he just walked away without dealing with things, but I had been guilty of doing the same thing in my past. Holding it over his head would be unfair. At least Luke came back.

  “Thank you, Ally.” Luke pressed his lips to mine, and no matter how much I wanted to heat up at his touch, the kiss felt cold and empty. I promised myself then that the next time Tim came to visit I would tell him that he would need to start looking for another place to stay when he was in town. That would be the only way I could be honest and fair to Luke. One more visit, and then it would be clear sailing.

  “I finished it!” Tim announced, coming out from Kenzie’s bedroom. He had just put her to sleep, and I had been working up the courage to talk to him. “I’ve been waiting to play it for you. See if you agree that the song is finished.” He pulled his guitar case out of the hall closet and hauled it onto the kitchen table. After taking the guitar out of the case, he pulled out a chair and sat on it, in front of the couch.

  I curled up on the sofa, folding my legs underneath my bum. I hated the distance Tim was putting between us. Given that we had worked together on the song and that it was about our daughter, it felt like it should be a moment where we were close. Recent events made it difficult for us to be in the same room, let alone be within five feet of each other.

  Tim’s voice filled the apartment as he performed the song in its entirety. No matter how many times I heard him sing, it always took my breath away. I was so absorbed in the song and our bond that I hadn’t heard the door open. When Tim finished the connection broke, and I became aware that we were no longer alone.

  “What the hell is going on here?” Luke stood in the doorway, absolutely fuming. His nostrils were flaring.

  Tim jumped up from the couch, laying down the guitar. He positioned himself between Luke and me instinctively. His actions only intensified Luke’s anger.

  “Luke, this isn’t what it looks like.” I stood from the couch, trying to explain.

  “It’s not what it looks like?” Luke balled his fists at his side. “I’m not even sure what it looks like. My girlfriend sitting on the couch being serenaded by who I am assuming is your douchebag of an ex? I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to think.” He pointed his finger at me. “But I do know you just promised me that you were going to do whatever it takes to make us work. This…” Luke motioned to Tim and me. “…isn’t it.”

  “I can explain.” Clichéd, but what else was I supposed to say.

  “You shouldn’t have to,” Tim interjected.

  “Great Al. Just great.” Luke opened his fists, before closing them again. “It’s one thing for me to accept that this dead-beat has decided he wants to be part of Kenzie’s life, it’s a complete other when the guy acts as if he belongs here.” He grunted, fixing his sites on Tim.

  Tim’s face had dropped at Luke’s dead-beat comment. That was more damaging than any punch Luke could have thrown.

  “What, was Ally not good enough for you? Was knocking her up too much of an inconvenience?” Luke suddenly lowered his voice, as if just realizing that Kenzie was asleep in the apartment. “You don’t get to walk into their lives and just take over. I’ve been here. I’ve done everything I can to take care of them. I am more of a father to Kenzie than you’ll ever be. So don’t think you’re coming in here and taking them away.”

  I had never seen Tim as angry as he was in that instant. “I didn’t walk away from them.” His stance was defensive. “Kenzie is our daughter, not yours, and now that I know she exists, there is no competition to be her father. I will be here for her until the day I die. I wouldn’t give up my family for anything, and you better believe I am not walking away from them now.”

  Everything had escalated much faster than I could process. I needed to interject but panicked, and couldn’t figure out what to say.

  “Bullshit.” Luke fired back. “You had your chance. Kenzie is sleeping now, so why don’t you go try your song singing shit with some other woman and leave mine alone.”

  “Song singing shit?” Tim made a move toward Luke. “That song singing shit is going to provide for my daughter, you asshole.”

  “Stop.” I finally cried. I stepped between the boys and turned to Luke. “Luke, Tim never knew I was pregnant. He didn’t leave us; I left him. He’s been as involved as possible ever since he found out.” I shifted and focused on Tim. “And to be fair, Luke has been blindsided. He is close to Kenzie; they have a close bond. It’s my fault any of this is happening.”

  Luke took one step closer to me, his eyes glaring into mine. “I want him out of here.” He looked past me, at Tim. “I can’t ask you to stay away from Kenzie, but I can ask you to stay away from Ally.” Luke wasn’t asking a question.

  “You can’t ask me to do anything.” Tim gritted his teeth. “Now, I’m telling you to leave so we don’t wake my daughter.”

  “Ally?” Luke turned to me, waiting for me to act. I wanted to make Luke happy, but he didn’t understand why Tim couldn’t just leave. He didn’t understand our dynamic, and it wasn’t his place to dictate what had to happen in my apartment.

  “Tim, can you give us a minute?” I wanted to explain things to Luke, to let him know this would be the last time.

  He nodded. “I’ll go into your room if that’s okay.”

  When Tim closed my door, I used the privacy to explain things further. “Luke, Tim can’t just leave. He travels for work, so he has to fly and drive to get here.” I sighed, honesty, right? “He’s staying here.”

  “He can’t stay in a hotel?”

  “No.”

  “Why not?” Luke was becoming aggravated with me. “If he can’t afford a hotel room, I’ll pay for it.”

  I laughed at his offer. “Money isn’t an issue.” How wrong Luke’s assumption had been. “T
im is famous, Luke. He can’t just stay in a hotel without being followed. Every visit would be in the public eye, and neither of us wants that for Kenzie.”

  “What the hell do you mean? Famous?”

  “He’s in the band Hazed. Luke this isn’t as black and white as it seems.”

  “Holy fuck Al. How the hell am I supposed to compete with that?” Luke ran his hands over his face.

  “You aren’t competing,” I stressed.

  “Ally, I can’t do this anymore. I love you, but you’re just playing games. I can’t keep being one of your game pieces anymore.”

  “Luke.” I pleaded.

  “Bye Ally.” Luke turned on his heels and walked out the door.

  Chapter 13

  Disaster

  Monday morning came quickly. As much as I would have preferred to have called in sick for the foreseeable future, I knew running away had been my very first mistake. I needed to handle this head on, and I had spent the entire bus ride psyching myself up to take the fallout in the office.

  I hadn’t spoken to anyone since the blow-up Friday night. Tim had let me be, leaving me to handle my emotions on my own. I suspected that had to do with the guilt he felt over what had happened. Either way, he was supportive, not only by giving me space but also by taking care of Kenzie so I could be alone. Luke hadn’t texted or called, and I hadn’t made an effort to reach out to him. He was more than right in ending things. I was kidding myself if I honestly believed we could move on from this.

  Maggie was at my desk, waiting for me when I arrived. Her eyes were wide as I walked toward her. Clearly, the news had spread, now the question was how far.

  “What the hell happened?” She was quick to the point. “Luke quit this morning. Walked in here first thing, went straight to HR and quit. He’s already packed all his things. Wouldn’t even talk to me when he left.”

  “What?” I was shocked. “Why would he do that?”

  “I don’t know. He told me to ask you.” She paused momentarily, picking at her nail. “Obviously something went on between the two of you because his exact words were to ‘Ask your whore of a best friend.’” I winced at his words. Maggie had no idea about my slip up with Tim, and as much as I was worried about what she would think of me, I needed to come clean now more than ever. “Is this over Tim?”

  “Not about that, exactly.” I clarified. “But he came over, and Tim was there, and shit hit the fan.”

  “Oh, Al.” Maggie oozed sincerity.

  “It’s my fault.” I didn’t deserve her sympathy. Bad decisions create bad results. “I just don’t understand why he quit. It’s not like we can’t avoid each other.”

  “Heat of the moment maybe?” Maggie nodded to a co-worker who was walking by, eyeing me. The next few days were going to be extremely awkward for me, especially if Luke had sold me out as being unfaithful.

  “Maybe. Seems odd though.” There had to be more to the story. I wouldn’t have left just because we had broken up. I wouldn’t have started dating him if I wasn’t aware that this could potentially be what happened down the road. Luke’s smart. He would have had the same thought process.

  Maggie’s boss walked by, looking annoyed with our talking. “Are you home tonight?” I nodded. “Then I’ll come over after work, and you can fill me in.” Maggie walked away quickly, appeasing her manager and letting me deal with hiding out at my desk for the day.

  “Okay, so exactly what happened?” Maggie questioned, uncorking a bottle of wine as I came out from putting Kenzie to sleep. Sarah sat beside her on the couch, holding three empty glasses. Maggie had gone over to get her for the impromptu girls’ night as soon as she showed up.

  “Where do I begin?” I took a glass filled with wine from Sarah, as Maggie continued to pour the other two. “I’ve definitely ruined my relationship with Luke, and I’m pretty sure I’m well on my way to destroying the relationship I have with Tim.”

  “Maybe Luke just needs time. He seemed all in before.” Sarah chimed in, pulling her dark brown locks into a messy bun.

  “I don’t think so. Luke seemed pretty definite. And honestly, I can’t blame him.”

  “What were you and Tim doing when he walked in?” Maggie asked. “Maybe he just overreacted?”

  “Tim was singing, playing the song we wrote for Kenzie. We had been working on it for a while, and he had just finished it. I might have been sitting closer than necessary, but it wasn’t like I was on his lap or anything. And we weren’t touching. The only intimate aspect was that the song was about our daughter.”

  “Okay, so what did Luke say?”

  “He lost it; he was so angry.” I wanted to sip from my glass, to distract myself from the conversation for a moment, but I was shaking too badly to lift the glass without spilling wine. “He has a right to be angry, so his reaction was fair.”

  “But Al, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Sarah argued. “I mean, I don’t agree with the way you handled things, you could have let him know about Tim from the beginning, but you were trying to do the right thing for Kenzie. That should count for something.”

  “I think Luke just needs time,” Maggie added.

  “I slept with Tim.” My admission came unfiltered. “I know I shouldn’t have, and I tried so hard not to, but it happened anyway.”

  “Oh shit.” Maggie’s eyes went wide. “Ally.” She scolded, with a hint of empathy.

  “Does Luke know?” Sarah’s expression was somber. The last thing I wanted was for the friends that I needed to turn their backs on me, and this information would do just that.

  “No, Luke doesn’t know. It was a mistake, and both Tim and I agreed to move past it. Only it’s not an easy thing to put behind me, and it seems like karma has found a way to catch up.” I finally leveled out the shakes and gulped the wine down in three swallows.

  “While I don’t think what you did was right, I also don’t believe this situation is easy to navigate.” Sarah put one hand on my shoulder. “You’re doing the best you can, and you obviously still have feelings for Kenzie’s father. You can’t ignore those. You shouldn’t ignore those.”

  “But you can’t act on them!” Maggie exclaimed.

  “No, I wasn’t saying that.” Sarah defended. “But if you love someone, that’s special. Life is too short to spend trying to fight something that is real.” Her eyes glossed over. “Whatever happens with this whole thing Al, I’m here for you.” She squeezed my shoulder and then removed her hand.

  “Well, I’m here for you too,” Maggie added. “This will all smooth over at some point.”

  Even days later, I held on to the idea that there was truth to Maggie’s sentiment, I only wished things would smooth out sooner rather than later. The office had become a fishbowl, people watching me, listing to my conversations, trying to find out more information on what I had done to cause such rash behavior from Luke. If that wasn’t bad enough, my life was becoming a fish tank, and not one of those little aquariums that take up the length of a coffee table and house twenty random types of fish. No, my life was becoming a fish tank in the center of the aquarium, one that ran along the sides of the walls and overhead, with sharks and octopus, and whatever other dark and scary creature could bump against the glass at any second.

  Tim had shown up for another quick visit days after the breakup. He was quiet and subdued and focused mainly on Kenzie. All of the excitement and closeness from the prior visits was gone, and I was left with only a shell of the person I knew. He was himself with Kenzie, never letting her see anything different than all of him, but with me, it just wasn’t the same.

  I was unbelievably happy to return to work the following morning, to escape the depressing atmosphere. Tim was flying out early, so we were going down the stairs together, Kenzie in his arms, while I managed her stroller. Neither of us anticipated the onslaught of flashes that occurred when we exited the building. One or two cameras and it would have been a hunch; dozens meant it was a leak. Someone who knew about Tim had called t
he media, and they were everywhere.

  Tim spun around and headed back up the stairs, shielding Kenzie with his arms. She was shrieking at the sudden movement and high level of noise, as paparazzi shouted questions at us. I did my best to follow closely behind, tempted to throw the stroller down to fend off the crowd. Fortunately, my better judgment won out, and I left it at the top of the stairs. Tim locked the door behind us and set Kenzie down on the floor. Within seconds, he was on his phone.

  “They are everywhere.” I had no idea who was on the other end of the phone. “We can’t even leave the apartment.” I tried to settle Kenzie down, as she was still hysterical. I bounced her on my hip, listening in on Tim’s side of the conversation. “They already have photos.” Tim’s eyes were full of regret as he made eye contact with me. “This is going to get out, that’s not what I’m worried about. What I’m worried about are the girls. I don’t want them harassed. I need you to get security out here for them now.” His tone was pleading but demanding.

  “Tim, we’ll be fine.” I tried to interject, but he waved me off.

  “Two should be fine. Once I leave, it should die down a bit, but the media is going to want to know who Ally is. I want to beat them to it.” He paused, and walked closer to Kenzie and me, running his hand over her hair. “I want to be the one to tell this story, so if you could set something up, that’ll work.”

  Realization of his meaning set in. He was going to tell the world about us. Our family would be out in the open. Our little bubble was going to burst, and someone was behind it. The puzzle pieces fell into place. Luke had to be selling us out. It would explain why he no longer needed a job, and why he wouldn’t want to be around me.

  “Tim, I think Luke is behind this.”

  “Why do you say that?” He pulled the phone away from his ear.

  “He quit his job, on the spot. No one has seen you or knows about you except Maggie and Sarah. I know they wouldn’t have said anything. Luke makes sense.”

  Tim raised his phone back up to his ear. “I want the security and I want them to watch out for Luke…” He looked to me, covering the phone. “What’s his last name?”