All I Want Is Forever

by Lynn Emery

  “I made a lot of downright stupid choices.” Monette shook her head slowly. “One thing my Narcotics Anonymous group did was strip away the excuses. Life is hard no matter what. You can either face it clean or face it on drugs. Either way it ain’t easy for nobody.”

  “You couldn’t help the family you were born into or what adults did to you. You were just a kid. They were supposed to protect you.” Talia bit off the last words.

  Monette frowned. She rubbed a hand over her face. “I didn’t want you to hear that crap. I ain’t lookin’ for an alibi, Talia.”

  “I know that, but—”

  “Let me finish. Shoulda told you this a long time ago.” Monette sighed deeply.

  “I pretty much shut you out after the conviction. You tried talking to me,” Talia said.

  “You cut me off after years of me makin’ your life miserable.” Monette held up a palm to forestall Talia’s response. “We was both there, so don’t try to fix it up.”

  “I wasn’t going to.”

  They sat in silence for a time. Talia wouldn’t waste time arguing. As her mother pointed out, they both knew the truth. The difference now was Monette seemed to have faced the ugliness. Gone was the sugar-coated explanations or evasions.

  “The past can’t be changed. All you can do is learn from it and move on.” Talia glanced into her mother’s eyes, then looked away.

  “I did my best, which wasn’t all that good. But I also did my worst to you. I’m more sorry than you could ever know. I couldn’t blame you for not speakin’ to me again, for denyin’ I’m even kin to you, much less your mama,” Monette said with intensity.

  “Don’t, Monette.” Talia gripped her hands together. Monette had summarized exactly how she’d felt for years.

  “I’m not beatin’ myself up. Just sayin’ that if I was you, I’d have a hard time believin’ these words. I let you down too many times.” Monette looked past the crowd, through the windows covered with metal grilles.

  “Maybe we can get to know each other on a different basis,” Talia said in a faint voice.

  Monette glanced at her. “I’d like that. I can’t change the things I’ve done, but at least I can make you proud of me now.”

  “Yes.” Talia didn’t know what else to say. Part of her still held back. As her mother had said, there had been so many broken promises.

  “I can’t swear I’m some church lady these days. It’s easy to say all you gonna do when you locked up.” Monette swept a hand around. “Fact is a lot of inmates feel safe here with all the rules. What scares them is outside.”

  “Really?” Talia gazed back at her. “You mean people want to stay here?”

  “Some of ’em, yeah. Oh, not all of ’em know it. But they do stuff that messes up their release.”

  “Your study of human psychology,” Talia said with a slight smile.

  Monette smiled back at her and shrugged. “I guess. A lot of these women got less than nothin’ outside. Got a husband that beats the daylights out of ’em, family on drugs or into thug life, livin’ in shacks. Hell, why leave?”

  “And you?” Talia gazed at her. “What do you have?”

  She could list the reasons Monette would want to stay. Except for Karl, her children wanted nothing to do with her. The two youngest kids had good lives. They didn’t want to be reminded of their mother or the things she’d done. Monette’s sisters and brothers were either addicted or in prison themselves. Her mother was in a nursing home suffering from alcohol-induced dementia. Monette wore an impassive expression for a few moments. Then she seemed to transform before Talia’s eyes. A hard, cunning smile spread across her face.

  “Long as I’m suckin’ air, I got me!” Monette slapped a palm against her chest. “Unlike most of my classmates up in here, I really didn’t do it.”

  She knew this Monette only too well. “Yeah,” Talia said shortly.

  Monette grunted. “You think I’m lyin’ again. Whatever. I been on my own all my life with nobody watchin’ my back.”

  “You were with those guys, and they had three kilos of cocaine. They were your party pals.” Talia ticked off her points on the fingers of one hand. “You had been arrested before on a drug charge. And your ‘friends’ gave you up.”

  Talia stared at her hard. She expected Monette to get angry. Instead, Monette waved a hand as though brushing away a small pesky insect.

  “First of all, running drugs is dangerous.” Monette looked around, then lowered her voice. “Them dudes don’t play. One speck of their stuff comes up missin’ and so do you.”

  “Then why—”

  “Let me finish Miss Know-it-damn-all,” she snapped. Monette took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Sorry. It’s this place.”

  “What did you expect?” Talia said heatedly. “I’m supposed to just throw my arms around you and believe every word you say? I don’t think so.”

  “Okay, okay. I got that comin’.” Monette drummed her fingers on the table as silence stretched between them.

  Candy walked over. “Here ya go, Monette. Got y’all some snacks.” She put two soft drinks, a bag of Fritos, and a bag of oatmeal cookies between Talia and Monette.

  “Thanks,” Monette said in a subdued tone.

  “Yeah, your favorites. Y’all been talkin’, so I figured time might be up and you’d miss the goodies.” Candy gazed at Monette with a question in her green eyes.

  “It’s cool, Can.” Monette nodded at her to leave.

  “Okay.” Candy glanced at Talia, then strolled off.

  Monette looked at Talia for a few seconds more, then gave a sharp laugh. “You somethin’ else. I like you, girl. Mama Rose done a good job raisin’ you.”

  “She did a fantastic job,” Talia tossed back.

  “Considerin’ she had to deal with how I messed you up.” Monette bit her lower lip. “You’re right.”

  Talia sighed. “I didn’t come here to fight with you.”

  “Yes you did. I got it comin’, too.” Monette shook her head with a grin. “Not like your little sister. That child so sweet, I wonder if there wasn’t some mix-up at the hospital.”

  “Alyssa has had a great life. She’s a kind, forgiving kid.” Talia really had grown to love her sister.

  “I’m glad you get to keep in touch. Best thing I did was not to fight her adoption.”

  Talia marveled at her selective memory. Monette implied she’d given Alyssa up for her own good. Still, she decided to let that one pass. “So, what about this evidence that impressed Jim Rand.”

  Her mother smiled at her with fondness. “Now you ain’t like your baby sister. Uh-uh, you like them red and yellow hot peppers my tante Pauline used to grow in her backyard. They look all pretty ’til you bite down on ’em. Then they bite your ass right back!”

  “Monette, the case you’re building to get out of here?”

  “I can’t tell you too much. But I got the goods on some big people, and I’m gettin’ outta here,” she whispered.

  “You mean Barron?” Talia whispered back.

  “What do you know, Talia?” Monette’s brown eyes widened in alarm. “Somebody botherin’ you?”

  Talia’s eyes narrowed. “Why would you think someone is bothering me, Monette? He doesn’t know I’m your daughter.”

  “And I intend to keep it that way,” Monette said. “I don’t want you involved. Period.”

  “Monette, I’m not just looking after Mama Rose. My firm is helping Senator Jackson with his effort to change Louisiana’s mandatory-sentencing laws. Since I had to come down here, I’m on the assignment.”

  “Act like you don’t know me.” Monette wore an intense expression. “Got it? You don’t know me.”

  “At least tell me something.”

  “Look, it shouldn’t be hard. You been ashamed of me all you life, with good reason,” she added quickly to cut off Talia’s reply. “Just pretend we ain’t kin.”

  “But I want to know—”

  “Good thing you got yo
ur daddy’s last name. You the only one was with me back then,” she mumbled to herself as though alone.

  “Hey!” Talia waved a hand in front of Monette’s face to get her attention. “I’ve got a bad feeling you’re in over your head.”

  “Just do what I tell ya.” Monette touched Talia’s cheek briefly, then drew her hand back. “I’ve done enough to you for one lifetime.”

  “I’m tough like you, remember? Besides, I’m going to find out anyway.” Talia squinted at her.

  Monette shook her head. “Not this you won’t. This ain’t the time to be all in my business, Talia,” Monette said with a fierce expression. “Things gonna get hot and heavy one of these days.”

  “I should have known. You’ve got some con game working. This is another one of your dramatic productions, a ploy to grab attention and put the parole board on the spot.” Talia scowled at her mother, hoping to bait her into revealing more.

  Monette glared at her as the minutes ticked by and neither spoke. The rumble of dozens of voices talking at once filled the space between them. A male guard walked by slowly. He eyed them as they stared each other down, but kept going.

  “Well?” Talia said finally.

  “I’m not tellin’ you anything. The less you know, the better I’ll sleep at night.” Monette’s tone made it clear she wouldn’t budge.

  “You’re scaring me, Monette,” Talia whispered. Indeed, the hairs on the back of her neck stood at attention. “If you’re into something so dangerous, you need help.”

  Monette grabbed both Talia’s hands. “My bold girl. Hell, you’re a woman now.”

  “That’s right, and I know about swimming with sharks. One thing you did teach me was survival in a hard world.” Talia’s voice shook unexpectedly.

  “Humph, yeah and in the worst way. But not anymore,” Monette mumbled. Then her glum expression brightened. “I’m gonna be all right, sugar.”

  “I want to know if someone is threatening you,” Talia persisted. “You hung out with some dangerous people.”

  “I don’t have to worry ’bout them. Half of ’em dead, the other half in prison.”

  “Monette—”

  “I want you far away when the you-know-what hits the fan.” Monette smiled. “That’s all.”

  “Really?” Talia let skepticism drip from her tone as she raised both eyebrows.

  “Really. And you know me. It will hit the fan and hard.”

  “Yeah, I know you very well.” Talia tilted her head to one side, eyebrows still raised in suspicion.

  “Then you know I land on my feet.” Monette leaned across the table with an intense expression. “You’ve got a beautiful life. The last thing I want is to drag you down again. I can’t undo all the hurt. But I can damn sure keep from hurtin’ you now.”

  “So you won’t tell me. You’re going to keep secrets from me.” Talia frowned at her.

  “Just knowing you want to help is more than enough, baby.” Monette picked up the bag of chips and tore it open. “Want some?”

  Talia knew it was no use. She threw up both hands. “Fine. You’ve got a good point.”

  “Oh yeah.” Monette wore a skeptical expression. “Just like that?”

  “I’ve tried sentimentality, guilt, and getting pissed off.” Talia wore a crooked smile. “I can’t play a player.”

  “Don’t you try nothin’, Talia René.” Monette pointed a forefinger at her.

  “I spent the last sixteen years putting distance between us. You’re right. I’m going to leave well enough alone.” Talia smoothed down the pearl gray sweater she’d worn over black jeans. She brushed back her hair.

  Monette smiled. “There ya go. Don’t risk nothin’ you don’t have to. I’ll take care of myself like I said.” She popped a corn chip in her mouth.

  “Ten minutes left. Start packin’ up and wrappin’ up. Thank y’all for comin’,” Officer Landers announced over a loudspeaker.

  Monette and Talia stood at the same time. They looked at each other, both awkward about how to end this first visit in years. Then Monette took one of Talia’s hands.

  “Damn, it was good to see you.” Monette’s eyes glittered with tears. She blinked and lifted her chin. “Don’t come back.”

  “Okay.” Talia took a deep breath to fight off her own emotions. “Good-bye, Monette.”

  “Bye, sugar.” Monette touched the tips of her fingers to Talia’s hair. “Be good. And let Derrick take care of you.”

  “I don’t need anyone to take care of me.” Talia picked up her purse.

  Monette smiled wisely. “I know you don’t. But it ain’t about need.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “You real smart. Think about it.” Monette winked at her. She strolled off and was joined by Candy and two other inmates. They lined up at the door leading back to the cellblocks.

  Talia followed the other visitors toward the exit. She glanced over her shoulder to see Monette looking at her intently. She waved, but Monette didn’t wave back. Monette had her game, but this time so did Talia. She had every intention of finding out exactly what had Monette so paranoid. Despite the still-potent anger from her childhood, Talia found she cared what happened to her mother. Her research on the consequences of mandatory sentencing had helped her understand the problems. Now the issue hit close to home for her. Derrick’s question bounced around her head. What if Monette was innocent?

  Chapter 12

  Talia stared at the screen of the microfilm reader in the small New Roads library branch. The old newspaper accounts of Monette’s trial were a piece of her life as well. She scanned the headlines and pressed a button to print out a copy. Somewhere in these articles might be clues to help her understand.

  “Hey,” Derrick said over her shoulder. “This is a strange lunch date.” He kissed her forehead and sat in the empty chair next to her.

  “We can eat at Po-Boy Heaven in a few minutes.” Talia continued to stare at grainy black-and-white pictures.

  “I had something different in mind. Maybe we could get a table at Morel’s with a view of False River.”

  “No way. I’ve got to get back to work.” Talia shook her head. “And so do you.”

  “Right.” Derrick gave an exaggerated sigh. “So I can forget about a little lunchtime delight.”

  Talia looked at him from the corner of her eye. “I didn’t say that. I figure we’ll save time eating at a fast-food place.”

  “Why eat at all?” Derrick whispered close to her ear.

  Talia shivered. “This is the last article.” She punched the button. A soft buzzing sound came as the printer worked.

  Derrick helped her gather up the papers. In minutes they left the library in his SUV. Bright autumn sunshine painted the scenery around them. They passed antiques shops on the small town’s main street.

  “So what have you found out?” Derrick glanced at her, then looked back at the road.

  “I’m not sure.” Talia opened the folder and shuffled through the sheets until she found an article. “Maybe nothing. Monette and her pals didn’t make for sympathetic defendants I’ll tell you that much.”

  “Yeah, their lawyers tried the ‘bad childhood’ defense for all of them,” Derrick replied. “Most of the time that strategy doesn’t fly.”

  “I thought jurors would feel sorry for them, you know, think ‘There but for the grace of God.’”

  “You kidding? Black folks are the toughest jurors.” Derrick steered the 4Runner down the drive through a lane of Po-Boy Heaven.

  “Interesting.” Talia glanced up with a slight frown. “Wonder why?”

  “Jurors are mostly working-class, some have even grown up in poverty. To them being poor isn’t a license to steal or sell drugs.”

  “Makes sense.” Talia started when a male voice jumped from the speaker.

  “Welcome to Po-Boy Heaven. How can I help ya?”

  Talia ordered a turkey sandwich and Derrick got a roast beef po-boy with fries and a large chocolate shake
. He merely shrugged when Talia clucked with disapproval.

  “Do you have any idea how much fat you’re about to ingest?” Talia said.

  “Sure do. Hmmm, can’t beat fat when it comes to good taste!” Derrick laughed when she made a face.

  “All that heavy food will slow you down for hours,” Talia peered at him over the rim of her sunglasses.

  Derrick glanced at her with his brows drawn together for a couple of beats. “Make that two turkey sandwiches and two diet lemon-lime sodas.”

  “Smart move. I’d prefer not to have you burping beef aroma during a special moment,” Talia teased.

  “Very funny.” Derrick pretended to frown at her, yet a smile tugged at his full lips.

  They drove to Mama Rose’s house. Talia suggested they eat in the backyard to take advantage of the pretty weather. After getting napkins and a tablecloth from the house, she led the way to a redwood picnic table with attached benches. Two tall elm trees swayed in a cooling breeze. Their branches stretched out over the table in a leafy canopy. Seated side by side, they ate in silence for ten minutes. Both were lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Derrick spoke after wiping his mouth with a napkin.

  “I’ll tell you what I think about Monette’s claim.”

  “Claim is right.” Talia put in. “Monette is a smooth operator.”

  “Agreed, but I don’t like what I’m seeing. The main evidence against her was the circumstantial and self-serving testimony of her co-defendants.” Derrick finished his sandwich in two more large bites and looked at his wristwatch. “I’m gonna be hungry in thirty minutes.”

  “You’ll be distracted in thirty minutes, trust me.” Talia winked at him saucily, then slid away when he reached for her. “I’m eating. Now back to Monette’s case.”

  Derrick smiled, but continued. “She happened to be with these guys, which implied she must have known about the drugs.”

  “Based on her history, believing she didn’t know about the coke would have been hard. I mean, dealers partied at her house.”

  “For sure. But it’s still circumstantial. So she helped them find the house once they got to town. Doesn’t mean she knew.”