Wish List (How To Be The Best Damn Faery Godmother In The World (Or Die Trying) Book 2)

by Helen Harper

  ‘Vincent knows drugs,’ I said, improvising, ‘and we know that the trolls used drugs against us before. If they try to do so again, Vincent will be able to help us.’

  Angela crossed her arms. ‘And what’s the old lady here for? Stealth ninja tactics?’

  She’d be surprised. ‘She’s here,’ I said, ‘because she’s going to help us find out who is really inside that building.’ I remembered what Rose had said. ‘The key to success here isn’t about walking into the lion’s den and offering ourselves up on a platter. They key is luring the lion out to us.’

  There was a snort. Rose, on her way back, had come to a stop and was watching me with mild amusement. When everyone turned towards her, she kept her eyes on me. Then she inclined her head in an almost imperceptible movement and I relaxed slightly. She’d understood and she’d play along.

  ‘Exactly!’ she said aloud. ‘You have to control the situation and not let the situation control you.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Delilah said, ‘but how do we do that?’

  Alicia nodded. ‘How do we get them to come out and how do we tell whether they’re definitely trolls or not?’

  Rose smirked. ‘I can’t answer the second question. But the first is easy.’ She looked at me. ‘And it will kill two birds with one stone.’

  ***

  We took up our positions. I had no idea whether it would actually work but Rose had provided us with a proper plan. It was far better than anything I’d come up with – or, indeed, anyone else. Rupert’s suggestion that we arm ourselves with rocket launchers and wipe the building out of existence was a non-starter. Naturally.

  I hunkered down in the shadows, staying behind the parked car, just in case the Peeping Tom potential troll was staring out of the window. I crossed my fingers tightly. If this worked, I’d be recognised as a genius.

  ‘So,’ Jasper said in a low voice beside me, ‘are you going to tell me what’s really going on?’

  ‘We’re hunting trolls, of course,’ I informed him. I had no choice but to be obstructively dense and misunderstand his question. ‘This way is much better than storming the building. It’s far safer.’

  There was a long pause before he spoke again. ‘I was wrong not to trust you before with my worries about what will happen to the trolls when we find them. I freely admit that. No matter what else you may think of me, Saffron, you should know that you can trust me in return.’

  ‘My silence about the humans’ presence in the building has nothing to do with trust,’ I said honestly. ‘I’ve got into a bit of a mess and I’m working on getting out of it. It’s better if you don’t know what’s going on.’ I bit my lip. ‘You’re conducting an audit, Jasper. You’re not my adversary, and you’re not out to get me or to ruin the Office of Faery Godmothers. Maybe we really are friends. But I know how seriously you take your job and if I told you the whole story it might affect your audit. Not,’ I added hastily, ‘because I’m doing anything wrong – I don’t believe that I am. It’s a complicated situation which will be kept simpler if I don’t involve anyone else.’

  Even if Adeline hadn’t warned me off talking to Jasper about Rose, I knew I was right in this. I was doing my very best for Rose as my client but, in my heart of hearts, I knew that I’d handled things clumsily.

  ‘Are you in any danger?’

  ‘Nope.’ Not any more. I was almost wholly convinced of that.

  ‘What about Hamilton? And the old lady?’

  I shook my head. ‘Vincent will be fine. The old lady…’ I hesitated. ‘Yeah, she’s in danger. She wants it, though. She’s asked for it.’ I felt Jasper gazing at me through the shadows. ‘Honestly, this time next week she’ll be nothing more than another satisfied client.’

  Jasper reached for me, his hands brushing my bare skin. A ripple of electricity ran through me. ‘You’re still in pain,’ he observed gruffly.

  I shrugged awkwardly. I’d waved my replacement wand around me a few times and healed the worst of the damage but I didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with all my aches and pains. ‘I’m okay.’

  ‘No, you’re not.’ He muttered something under his breath then he flicked his wrists. Warmth began to spread through me and I gasped. Jasper didn’t stop. He moved his hands down, grazing my hips and my thighs. Everywhere he touched tingled. When he’d finished, he moved away and watched me, his gaze fully alert.

  ‘You should still get checked out by a doctor,’ he said, a raw edge to his words. ‘There might be internal damage. Whatever you’ve been doing, it’s clearly been incredibly dangerous. You have to take better care of yourself.’

  ‘What can I say?’ I raised my shoulders. ‘It comes with the job.’

  Jasper’s mouth tightened. ‘As your friend,’ he murmured, ‘it’s my place to make sure you’re looking after yourself. If you get seriously hurt, Saffron, I’m not sure how I’d react. I know the fact that I’m auditing your office makes things strange between us but I care about you.’ He paused before deepening his voice to a husk. ‘A lot.’

  I stared at him. ‘I care about you too, Jasper,’ I whispered.

  There was an intense light in his eyes that was making it impossible to look away. He wasn’t involved with Lydia; I knew that now, but I’d thought he only wanted to be friends. Was I wrong about that too? I desperately wanted to ask him but I didn’t want to ruin the moment and I didn’t want to be rejected again. I wasn’t sure my heart could take it. Instead we just looked at each other. And looked. And looked.

  From a street or two away there was the sound of a small engine. Jasper pulled back. I twisted my body and shuffled to the edge of the car to peer round. From the glow of the lamp posts up ahead, I could make out an approaching scooter. ‘It’s him,’ I said. Or her. It was difficult to tell from here.

  ‘Got it.’

  As the scooter drew nearer, I steeled myself. ‘Ready?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘On a count of one, two,’ I exhaled, ‘three.’

  Jasper jolted magic out towards the scooter’s front wheels. The engine stalled and it began to tip. The driver was thrown forward, spiralling up into the air with a terrified yelp. I squinted. Male, then.

  I ran out from behind the car, wand in hand. I twisted it just in time so that when he landed, he hit the ground safely and with little more than a soft bounce.

  Angela sprang forward from the other side of the road. I grabbed the scooter and wheeled it a few metres away while she knelt by the driver’s side.

  ‘Oh my goodness! Are you alright?’ She touched his cheek through his open visor and he groaned. ‘Don’t try to move. You might have hurt your back. I’ll call for an ambulance. Let me take your helmet off.’

  ‘Urgh…’

  ‘Shhh,’ Angela murmured. She twisted and pulled gently, then passed the branded helmet into my waiting hands. ‘Don’t speak. Everything will be fine. You must have hit a pothole or something.’

  While she tended to him, I jogged back and hooked one leg over the scooter. Jasper’s head bobbed up and I nodded. I felt rather than saw the magic that made the scooter’s engine spring to life again. A moment later, albeit somewhat wobbly, I took off, heading for what we hoped was the trolls’ hideout directly opposite the Office of Faery Godmothers. Where better to hide than in plain sight? And where you can spy on your mortal enemy at the same time?

  I was just getting the hang of the scooter and almost enjoying myself when I reached the building. I stopped and climbed off, heading first to the rack on the back of the scooter and the box that was sitting there.

  I flipped it open. Damn. Vincent had demanded ham and pineapple and it actually smelled pretty good. I inhaled the aroma before lifting out the pizza. The receipt, together with the address, was attached to the cardboard box. I smiled, satisfied. It would add another layer of authenticity to what I was about to do and it was the reason why we’d not simply ordered the pizza to be delivered to our own door.

  I flicked the motorcycle visor down so my
face was obscured. Time to rock and roll.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  The door to what was hopefully the trolls’ lair – or at least their stakeout spot – didn’t have a doorbell or knocker. I couldn’t see any signs of a camera either but, if they possessed as much magical skill as we supposed, they might not need one. Whatever – it certainly appeared that they weren’t welcoming unannounced visitors. It wasn’t proof of troll residents but it certainly fit with our suspicions; they’d hardly want to be bothered by random cold callers all day long. It wouldn’t be very nice for some poor charity worker to have their head lopped off by an irritated troll just because they were trying to drum up financial support for hedgehogs and had knocked on the wrong door.

  Resisting the temptation to glance behind me and check the others were ready, I took a deep breath, raised my fist and thumped it against the door’s exterior. My efforts made the wood to rattle in its frame. I rocked back on my heels and waited.

  One beat, two beats, then there was the rattle of a chain and the door opened a slit. It was difficult to tell through the shadows but I thought the face peering out belonged to the same acne-scarred bloke I’d seen through Angela’s binoculars. The same man I’d bumped into.

  ‘What?’ His voice was reed-thin and high. It wasn’t what I expected from a troll but I was learning not to make assumptions about my adversaries.

  ‘Pizza!’ I held up the box to prove it.

  ‘I didn’t order pizza.’ He went to shut the door but that wasn’t going to happen.

  I wedged my foot in the gap and stopped it from closing. ‘This is 12 Pope’s Lane, right?’

  He gave a terse nod.

  ‘Well, then. This is the address I’ve got.’

  ‘I don’t care. I didn’t order pizza. I’m lactose intolerant. I can’t eat cheese.’ He stepped further back. ‘Now move your foot from my doorstep before I call the police.’

  I felt rather than saw the tendrils of gentle magic snake past me, coiling themselves round the door. This was the dangerous part because we had no way of knowing how sensitive trolls were. If this man sensed that someone behind me had used magic to relax him, all would be lost.

  ‘Don’t call the police!’ I said in alarm. ‘I’m only doing my job! You try getting paid minimum wage for knocking on strangers’ doors. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, you know.’

  There was a heavy sigh. I couldn’t detect any aggression on the man’s part, more like resignation. That meant he’d not sensed the magic – and it had worked.

  The chain rattled again and the door opened fully, revealing him. It was definitely the same bloke as before. I scanned him up and down while he did the same to me. Was he a troll? I couldn’t tell. It would have been far easier if they had horns and bowed legs like in the old stories.

  ‘Take off your helmet,’ he said.

  I flipped the visor up, taking care to angle my face away so most of it remained in shadow. ‘I can’t,’ I said. ‘It’s too small for me and it’s a nightmare to get on and off. When I’m working I leave it on all the time.’ I held up the pizza again, all but thrusting it into his face. ‘Look,’ I said, ‘the pizza is paid for already. Can’t you take it? I’ll get into trouble otherwise.’

  He snorted. ‘So then you can blame me for stealing a pizza that was never mine? No chance.’

  I pointed to the receipt. ‘But it really is for this address. Maybe someone ordered it for you. A friend, perhaps.’

  He dropped his head. ‘I don’t have any friends.’

  I glanced past him. ‘Does that mean you’re alone? If there’s someone else in there, maybe they’d like the pizza.’

  There was a loud thump from somewhere inside. I looked at the man and he looked at me. ‘My neighbours,’ he said. ‘I live on my own.’

  Uh-huh. I thrust the pizza box at him, giving him no choice but to take it. ‘Here,’ I said. ‘Just hold this for a second and I’ll get my phone. I’ll call the store and see what they say. There must be a procedure for this sort of thing.’ I gave an apologetic shrug. ‘To be honest, I’ve not been doing this for very long. It’s kind of a shitty job but I need the money.’

  He held the pizza awkwardly while I dug into my pocket, took out my phone and jabbed in the numbers. It rang a few times and then I spoke.

  ‘Hi,’ I said into the receiver, using the code we’d sketchily worked out beforehand. ‘I’m at Pope Street and the man here says he’s not ordered any pizza.’

  ‘Pope Lane,’ he muttered. ‘This is Pope Lane.’

  ‘Sorry. Pope Lane.’ I listened for a moment, leaning to my right to give Alicia enough room for a clear shot. ‘I’m there now,’ I said.

  Nothing happened. I gritted my teeth. ‘Now.’

  The man’s brow furrowed just as there was a faint hiss and a breath of moving air by my ear. I reached forward, grabbing first the pizza and then the man before he crumpled into a heap on the floor in front of me. He was out – and I was in.

  Hastily, I pushed his limp body back into the hallway in case any motorists drove past and grew curious. Billy appeared behind me and reached for the pizza.

  ‘Vincent’s waiting across the road in the lobby,’ I said. ‘Give it to him.’

  ‘The humans can wait until we’re done here,’ Billy snarked.

  ‘In theory,’ I answered, as the others jogged up. ‘But these humans are particularly impatient specimens and I could do without their interference. This will keep them busy and out of our way.’

  ‘And they need to be kept out of our way because they’re not really special advisors?’

  I sent him a warning look. ‘Please, Billy.’

  He rolled his eyes but at least he did as I asked.

  ‘So,’ Alicia said, ‘we don’t know yet if he’s a troll or not?’

  Rupert frowned. ‘How do you know we don’t know?’

  ‘Saffron said Pope Street,’ Delilah said. ‘According the code, street means unsure.’

  ‘I thought road means unsure, and street means definitely yes.’

  ‘Road means definitely not. Street means unsure. Lane means definitely yes.’

  He scratched his head. ‘What about terrace? What does that mean?’

  It was hard to believe that I’d once thought that everyone in the Office of Faery Godmothers was the brightest and best that our world had to offer. ‘Shhh,’ I said. ‘I don’t think he’s alone. We can’t alert whoever else is in here!’

  At least that warning made all three of them fall silent but they still glared at me, as if I’d ruined all their fun.

  Jasper appeared from out of the gloom to my left. ‘Angela is staying with the pizza guy,’ he said. ‘He’s fine. She’ll come and get his bike and send him on his way shortly.’

  I nodded. ‘Good.’

  Billy strode back over. He didn’t look happy. ‘I didn’t even get a thank you from that yellow-toothed, lanky-haired human. I told him that eating in the lobby was against the rules. He didn’t seem to care. He already had a slice out of the box. If he drips cheese all over that floor…’

  ‘I’ll clean it up,’ I promised. ‘Now all of you get yourselves back home. Jasper and I will take it from here.’

  Delilah, Alicia, Rupert and Billy put their hands on their hips. I stared at them, wondering if they were about to break into a song-and-dance routine.

  ‘We’re on the task force,’ Alicia said. ‘We’re coming in with you.’

  How many times did we have to go through the same shit? ‘Go home,’ I hissed. We couldn’t stand here arguing on the trolls’ damned doorstep, not when there were others somewhere inside. ‘Now!’

  Not one of them moved a muscle. Jasper touched my arm, a gentle pressure that told me exactly what he thought. I supposed I should have been grateful that he wasn’t undermining me in front of them but I was still annoyed. This wasn’t what we’d agreed. The next time I was in charge of a task force, I was going to make sure that everyone did everything I told them to.
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br />   ‘Fine,’ I whispered. It really wasn’t. ‘But if you get caught by a troll and eaten for a late-night snack, don’t come complaining to me.’ I glared at them. ‘And this is fact-finding. We are not here to fight.’

  Alicia smiled. She nudged Jasper and said to him, ‘You’ll put this in your report, right? That I risked my life to help stop the trolls? Went above and beyond?’

  Delilah waved her hands in the air. ‘And me! I’ve done the same!’

  ‘And…’ Rupert began. He was interrupted by a groan from the supposedly unconscious bloke who was still slumped behind us.

  I tutted. ‘Just get in and close the damned door.’

  For once, they all did as I asked. It was almost a miracle.

  Jasper picked up the man with ease, hauling him through to the first room on the right and laying him on the floor. He examined him, a troubled expression on his face. ‘He’s not a troll,’ he said flatly. ‘This man is human.’ He raised his head and looked at me. ‘You’ve made a mistake.’

  I pursed my lips. Fuck a puck. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Positive.’

  ‘Have we broken into some human’s house and knocked him unconscious?’ Alicia asked, her voice rising. ‘I don’t need Billy here to tell me that’s against the rules.’ She stared at me. ‘This was all your idea, Saffron. You’re the one in charge. It’s your fault. I would never have come in here if it wasn’t for you.’ She folded her arms. ‘You’re to blame for this.’

  I gritted my teeth. ‘It was never definite that he was a troll! And I told you to not to come in. You’re the one who chose to enter.’

  She sniffed. ‘The buck still stops with you.’

  She had a point. I muttered a curse under my breath. ‘He was looking directly at me,’ I said, as much to myself as anyone. ‘The magic shrouding the Office of Faery Godmothers should have meant that’s not possible, but he was definitely looking right at us. When I bumped into him in the street, I sensed magic. So did Billy when he walked past this building a few hours ago.’

  Jasper frowned. ‘He has a faint aura of magic but it’s not strong enough to suggest that he’s anything other than human. He probably had an ancestor who was troll or godmother or something. Whether he was looking at you or not, Saffron, this is not an actual troll.’