Walls of Ash

by Amber Newberry

  “It has a hold on you...” Her eyes were wide, but she spoke softly so that if Bernadine returned, she would not hear.

  “Eckhardt...” I whispered.

  “Whatever this evil is... it means you harm. It must be released or it will follow you to your end. It has an attachment to your spirit...” Bernadine appeared in the doorway saying that Li was dressing, as she had been napping as well. I wondered how much of the conversation she had heard and hoped that it was not much, because Bernadine was already a little bit wary of Avani.

  I finished the tea, and Avani took the small cup and saucer from me, leaving me alone with Bernadine. She helped me change into my sari.

  “Yer shakin’... should yeh not stay in bed? I worry after yeh... There is the draught from that lewd boatman...”

  “No, thank you for your concern, but I could not rest if I tried. I’m sure I will be fine after I have had time to relax. It was only a nightmare. It has been so long since I last had a nightmare so... intense,” I said as she placed the end of the sari over my right shoulder as Vallari had showed her.

  “There is somethin’ I must discuss with yeh, if yeh would not mind havin’ tea with me tomorrow afternoon? I do not want to disturb yeh with it just now, with yeh all a fright,” she said. It sounded very important.

  “Of course, is everything alright?” I asked.

  “It has to do with Fleur... I need to speak to yeh in private, though. She’d be agitated if she knew I were talkin’ to the mistress...” She trailed off, and I thought of Fleur’s tears when Captain Marcato left her.

  “Shall we take tea here, then?” I asked.

  “Very good,” she said and left me just as Li was coming in.

  “Tam, you are shaking, whatever is the matter?” We went to sit on the matching chairs by the windows, and I told her of the nightmare and what Avani said to me. She shuddered at the mention of a presence that Avani said would be attached to me forever if I could not find out what it so desperately wanted from me.

  “These old women, they are all so fanciful. First Creeda and now this old housekeeper.” She was shaking her head.

  “Avani was right about the pregnancy, though... and Julian seems to trust her,” I said.

  “I’m sure she only means that you are still getting past your... forgive me for even saying the name, your history with the Eckhardts. It was horrible and it has disturbed you so. Something like that takes a long time to work past. I’m sure that is what she means,” Li said this with a hand on my arm.

  “You are probably right. It is hard not to read too far into the things that she says,” I stared out the window as I spoke.

  I changed the subject, “Bernadine is worried for Fleur. I am going to have tea with her tomorrow afternoon. She wanted to make sure that Fleur did not know she was being discussed, so we are taking tea in here tomorrow.”

  “I told Leo that I would ride with him into the village tomorrow morning. I was going to ask you to come along, but this sounds like it might be too important,” she said.

  “Well, I am not really feeling much like being in the bustling market, so it’s probably for the best that I stay here. Anyway, I’m sure you want to have some alone time with your husband for once!” I smiled at her. Between our adjoining rooms on the boat and our constant need to be near one another, we rarely spent more than a few hours apart. We would have to learn to be apart eventually.

  CHAPTER 22

  I lay staring at a sleeping Julian in bed next to me, thinking about how different my life was from only a year before. His eyes opened and he turned his head to look at me and smiled as he rolled over to fully face me.

  “Have you been awake for long?” he asked, brushing a curl from my forehead.

  “No longer than usual,” I said.

  “You should have woken me up...”

  “What difference would it have made?” We were both silent for a while.

  “Julian, I don’t know anything about business, but I am curious to hear what you have decided to do where the Hammonds are concerned,” I said, and he looked surprised. He sat up and stretched.

  “I still think that there is profit to be made here and the Hammonds are wise to seek a plantation to buy, but I don’t think that I want them to have mine,” he said looking down at me.

  “What does Leo have to say about that?” I asked. He seemed frustrated at the question and obviously did not want to answer.

  “I’m not sure of my decision, yet,” he said, but I knew that was not true. He had come from his last meeting with the Hammonds in a bad mood. He went to tell them “no,” but they insisted he continue to think about it.

  “Leo has a child on the way. Do you not think he would want something to pass down to his children?” I asked, propping myself up by my elbow.

  He sighed, “Leo does not care about this place as I do. Celia hates when he comes, and I think he hates it equally as much. He would sell the whole plantation, house and all if I just passed it over to him.”

  “Are you concerned about the way your workers would be treated by the Hammonds?” I asked.

  “I don’t know...” he paused. “I like it here...”

  “And?” I asked.

  “I was hoping that you would, as well.” He was sitting up on the edge of the bed now, with his back to me.

  “I do.” It was the simple answer, but I did like this place. The house, the people, everything about India. I found it exciting.

  “Then why push the sale?” He turned to look at me.

  “I’m not... I just wanted to know what was to become of Leo. You cannot expect to run the Hilbourne land, the Rhineholt land, and Punam all by yourself?” I said. He was leaning forward with his hands on either side of his head, elbows on his knees.

  “What are you getting at?” He turned to look at me and the irritation in his face was unmistakable.

  “I just think that Leo is unhappy here and deserves to know what he will have to pass on to his son,” I said.

  “Then why is he here?” Julian stood up. I shook my head, surprised at his anger.

  “Isn’t it obvious?” He pulled a shirt over his head.

  “I don’t know what you mean...” I was sitting up, now.

  “Are you really so innocent?” he asked, yelling now.

  “You think he came here for me?” I asked, shouting back. “Then why did he marry Liesl? You are being absurd! Stop being so selfish and give Leo what he deserves!” Julian and I were not on the same page. I only wanted Leo to receive consideration, but Julian seemed to think that what he always thought about me and Leo was true.

  The anger on his eyes told me that he had felt this way for a long time, and that he thought I was never able to let go of Leo. I was so shocked he felt this way that I could not think of what to say.

  “I will be with Kinlan all day, do not expect me until late...” He went out and slammed the door behind him, and I threw a pillow at the closed door and began to cry.

  I lay back, flustered. It was true that I was surprised when I found out he was marrying Li, but I was not jealous, really. There was confusion, certainly. Leo and I were close, he saved my life, and that is something that would bond me to him forever. The only thing that I was truly sure of was that I loved Julian, and I was angry at him for thinking otherwise. He had misplaced his jealousy, and he mistook my intentions.

  Fleur came in and saw me in tears on the bed.

  “Oh, Lady Tamsin! Another of your nightmares?” She looked concerned as she came up to the bed.

  “No... I’m just a little homesick...” I lied as I dried my eyes.

  “Shall I pull the drapes?” she asked.

  “Of course... that's fine, Fleur.” She did so and came back to help me dress.

  “I will have a bath this morning, I think.” It was the coolest morning we had since our arrival, but I still asked that she didn’t make the water too warm, and she left to prepare the tub. There was a soft knock on the door and then it opened befo
re I responded. Li came in.

  “I’m sorry to come in so early, but Julian and Leo, they have had a quarrel.” She came and sat on the bed, and then climbed in beside where I was sitting up against the pillows.

  “I’m not sure what happened, but I was going down for breakfast, Leo was waiting for me in the conservatory, and when I got to the doorway, Julian left the room and he looked angry. Leo would not tell me what happened.” She looked up at me for the first time since she came into the room, and saw that I was crying so she sat up and put an arm around me.

  “Whatever is going on?” she asked, and the tears welled up. She held onto me for a long time and then wiped away my tears with a handkerchief from a drawer in the bedside table.

  “He is angry with me, Li... It is something awful, and if I tell you, you will be upset with me...” We both leaned back against the pillows and stayed quiet for a few minutes before we said anything.

  “He thinks you are in love with Leo?” she finally asked, as though she was afraid I might admit that I did. I did not respond, and she looked at me questioningly.

  “It is what he thinks... but--”

  “But you love Julian?” I nodded, the tears welling again, and she pulled me to her. She spoke softly with my head resting on her shoulder.

  “Leo told me once, a long time ago that the two of you were close after that day you fell from the horse. I would be lying to you if I said that it did not bother me at first. He used to carry that handkerchief with your initials on it...” I looked into her face.

  “Do you know what made me realize that I was wrong about you two?” She asked. I shook my head.

  “When I told Leo that I thought I was with child. His reaction. I just knew that there could be no one else for him.” She was sincere and I smiled through the tears.

  “You must know that Leo and you are both so dear to me. You have both been like family since I lost mine.” I said, and she hushed me. We stayed silent again, because she knew what it was that I wanted to say.

  “Julian is being simply childish. I had no idea that he has felt this way for so long,” I said.

  “He will see that he is wrong. He is stubborn and wants to be right even if what he thinks makes him angry... just like someone else I know.” She smiled. It was true that Julian and I shared that quality. It was why the banter was so calamitous between us. It was why we were so passionate.

  There was a knock, and Fleur came into the room.

  “Oh, Mrs. Hilbourne! Lady Tamsin, shall I come back? One of the boys has carried the water up for you.” Li and I both laughed at how silly we must have looked. I wrapped a robe around myself and asked her to tell him to bring it in.

  Li kissed me on the cheek and left me to go with Leo into the village. When the bath was ready, Fleur also left me so that I could bathe alone. The water was refreshing. When I finished, I stood to dry off and took my robe from a nearby chair and wrapped it around myself. I brushed my hair at the vanity and looked down at the leaf covered silver bracelet that belonged to my mother, sitting in the open wooden box. I closed the lid after I picked up the shiny piece. I slipped it onto my wrist. Fleur came back to help me dress.

  Bernadine came in looking for Fleur, as though she was worried when she could not find her right away. Then she went on to tell me that I wasted the morning and that everyone else had their breakfast and left the house, already.

  “Yer eyes look swollen, shall I ask that woman to bring yeh one of ‘er remedies?” Bernadine asked after I was done dressing, half joking because she thought that Avani’s ‘potions’ were silly.

  “No, thank you. I will still have breakfast, Fleur. Would you please see that Avani does not take it all away before I’ve had a chance to fix a plate for myself?” I asked.

  “Of course.” She left me with Bernadine who seemed excessively concerned with my health, that morning.

  “Are yeh sure? That doctor brung yeh that draught, maybe yeh should stay in bed, today?” she asked.

  “I am fine, thank you,” I said and went downstairs leaving her in the room to make the bed.

  Fleur was gone when I went to the conservatory, but Avani was there waiting for me. She asked how I slept and if my bath was satisfactory. I said it was. There was some sliced mango and some thin pancakes that Avani called “Dosas”, with a spicy sauce and potatoes.

  I sat down at the table with my few slices of mango and Avani poured me a cup of tea. I asked her to sit with me a while, and she took a chair across from me. She was an old woman, and I could not imagine how she had the energy to stand all day long while running that house. She told me about how the meals differed in India compared with how we did things in our household, and when she told me that the people ate sitting in the floor I laughed.

  “Not off of the floor, you understand? There are still plates and the people sit on many decorated pillows,” she told me and I nodded.

  “You have had a bad night?” she asked suddenly.

  “Not exactly,” I said.

  “I see.” She was silent for a moment before she continued, as if she was thinking out her words.

  “You still have these... disturbances in your sleep?”

  “Sometimes, yes,” I said honestly, but mostly because I was curious of what she had to say.

  “These visions... they are of your mother?” she asked.

  “Sometimes, but those are not usually the ones that disrupt my sleep,” I said this looking into her face, trying to discern what she was thinking.

  “It is the death that you find disturbing, Madame... not your mother’s presence. You find comfort in your visions of your mother, do you not?” she asked and I nodded. She truly had an uncanny ability, but it still made me nervous.

  “Her love for you was so deep that she is protecting you, even in death. You should not find it so unsettling... There is another woman who seems to have a warning for you... She has not been with you for so long as your mother has, though she is a much older spirit.” The tiny hairs raised on my neck and arms, and I thought of Celia’s mother, who also sensed that my own mother was with me.

  “You should not let their warnings frighten you. These visions you have while asleep are meant to be council to you.” Avani placed her hands on the table.

  “I’m not sure I understand,” I said as Bernadine came into the room and we went silent. Avani and Bernadine exchanged an odd sort of look, it was only for a second, but I saw it before it disappeared. I was shaken so I stood up.

  “You will still join me for tea, this afternoon?” Bernadine asked anxiously as I exited the room.

  “Oh yes, of course...” I said and went to the library so that I could be alone to sort everything out.

  * * *

  After lunch, Avani told me that she would be out for a while with her daughter. She asked if I would be alright on my own, but I told her that I would have Bernadine and Fleur, should I need anything. I spent the afternoon reading in the drawing room, trying to keep my mind off of everything that was going on inside me and with Julian. It was all that I could do to keep from going completely mad. I was glad to have the house to myself.

  When it was time for tea, I closed the book and brought it with me up the stairs to my room, where Bernadine would be waiting. The door was open a crack, and I assumed she deliberately left it this way for me. As I pushed it open, I saw Bernadine was seated at a small table and that the room was rather dark because the curtains were closed, so the only light was what shone through the ceiling glass. The table was set in the darker side of the room, which I found strange. I stepped into the room, but Bernadine did not greet me or get up. As I walked closer to her, I said her name and asked why the curtains were drawn, and then I saw that her eyes were opened wide.

  She was not blinking.

  There was a sharp pain on the back of my head and I fell forward. It went pitch dark.

  There was a face looming above me. First it was Celia’s mother, saying my name over and over. Her face twisted
and became the face of Eckhardt, and he was shaking me hard. When I opened my eyes, it was Fleur who was shaking me. I found myself sitting in the chair where Bernadine had sat, and my hands were tied behind the back. I looked wearily around the room, the pain in my head was sharp, and I felt dizzy. I could barely see around me, but over my right shoulder, just behind the bed, there was a lifeless hand lying open. I followed the arm to where it sprung from behind the bed.

  It was Bernadine.

  “Fleur, what have you done?” I said, finally meeting her eyes.

  “Only what I had to,” she said. Her voice was strange and she seemed to be smiling, though it was shadowed enough that it was hard to tell.

  It was then that I saw there were two books spread open on the table that was now between us. Fleur sat down opposite of me and gestured to them. I specifically left them at Hilbourne because they caused me such pain, but she stole them and brought them with her.

  “These books are the reason you sit where you do.” I did not understand, I looked at her, puzzled. She slammed her fist down onto the Eckhardt family tree and I jumped.

  “Your blood! The Eckhardt blood, it is why you are here!” She leaned across the table, shouting. I screamed, so she stood and slapped me with the back of her hand, and a warm liquid dripped from my nose and over my lips and chin.

  “There is no one to hear you. I timed this all perfectly. It has taken me so long to get here! I made sure that there would be no one to save you from your fate. Too many times I have missed my opportunities...” There was a grim smile on her lips that made me quake.

  “Did you not notice that there were other names in the book of Eckhardt bastards? Were you so absorbed in your own past that you did not see?” she spoke angrily.

  “Are you implying that you are an Eckhardt?” I asked, and she began to laugh hysterically.

  “Of course I am! You always suspected... it's why you questioned my Aunt about my father.” She laughed again before continuing.

  “I led you down the wrong path for a while and let you think that I was a Rhineholt bastard. I read that journal before you even knew of its existence, tore out the pages that told the truth... That was wicked of me...” She had that strange smile, again.