by K. A. Hobbs
Watching your child go through something like this must be every parents worst nightmare and they’re living it. I want them to be a part of this, I want them to be there, I need them to be, just not tomorrow.
I will not let them see me fall apart.
“You cannot go alone, Carmen.” Dad pipes up, clearly upset.
“I’m not going alone Dad.” I assure him.
“Then you’ve told Megan?”
“No… I’m going with Carter.”
“Jack’s brother?” Mum smiles.
“We’re friends, Mum. Nothing more. But… I can’t explain it, he’s amazing and strong and he understands me and he’s willing to give up his time here to be with me.”
I don’t tell them he’s willing to leave his home, move in with me and be there for me through everything. That he wants to be my rock, that even though I’ve only known him a couple of days, he already is. That he has the ability to calm me, to soothe my worries and crush my fear. That I know, given time, he will become the most important person in my life if I let him. That scares me and right now. I have to put it into that box at the back of my mind and deal with it later, when I know what’s happening.
“You want a stranger to come with you?” Dad asks, his voice heavy with sadness.
“Dad, I need him to come with me, he’s one step removed from all of this. I don’t know what they’re going to tell me, but I have a good idea. I need to think about me tomorrow and not about how you’re taking what they’ve said. I know it’s going to hurt you both but I need to focus on me. Does that make sense? I love you, you know that.”
“Of course we do,” Mum wraps me in her arms and I fight the tears I feel rising. “We’ll do whatever you want. Whenever you need us to.”
“Thank you.” I whisper. “I’m going to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”
I kiss them both, tell them I love them then head upstairs. Tomorrow is going to be difficult enough without me being tired. I brush my teeth, remove my make up and climb into bed. I pick up Walter and hug him to my chest, switching off the light after I text Carter goodnight, because right now he’s the only person who knows what I’m going through and the only person who can make me feel even a little bit better.
Me: Goodnight Carter. Thank you for today X
Carter: I didn’t do anything, thank you for letting me cross one thing off my bucket list. Get some sleep. I’m here if you need me X
I wake up to rain.
Of course I do.
It’s almost torrential and hitting my window so hard it sounds like it’s trying to knock the house down. I get up and shower, spending more time than necessary under the hot water. I get dressed and try to empty my mind of all thoughts while I blow-dry my hair. It doesn’t work and all I can think of is what today has in store for me. I head downstairs and I’m greeted by Mum in the kitchen.
“Morning sweetheart.” she smiles.
I know she hasn’t slept, I can see it in her eyes. I can also see she’s been crying. I manage to put a smile on my face and take a seat at the dining table. Dad walks in a few seconds later and stops when he sees me, it’s clear from the look on his face he’s been crying too.
“I’m just going to have coffee then I’ll head off.”
“Are you sure you don’t want to have something to eat?” Dad asks, making me a coffee.
“My stomach is churning, if I eat, it will come back up. I’ll eat after.”
“Are you really sure we can’t come with you?” he asks, handing me my coffee.
“I’m positive. Please don’t take it that I don’t love you or need you, I just need to do this my way for now, while I still have some say in how this goes.”
“Okay,” he nods then kisses the top of my head. “I’m going for a walk, you do this your way, this is mine, I can’t sit here while you’re there. I’ll be back when you get home and if you need me, I have my phone. I love you, Carmen. You’re my little girl, even though you’re all grown up, you’ll always be my little girl.” his voice breaks and his shoulders shake.
I watch as he walks out of the kitchen and out of sight, I fight the tears and smile at Mum who looks just as sad as Dad. I suddenly can’t stomach the coffee either so I stand and tip it down the sink. Wrapping my arms around Mum from behind I tell her I love her and I’ll be back soon.
“I love you, too. I’m here when you need me.” she smiles, kissing my cheek.
The drive over to get Carter is a long one, even though it only takes me twenty minutes. I blast Whitney and sing at the top of my lungs and when I reach the hotel, I feel like every single emotion sits right on the surface, that one kind word, one smile and everything will come crashing down. I text Carter and let him know I’m here and he appears two minutes later, dressed in a pair of black jeans and a red and black shirt with his leather jacket over the top. He looks so shockingly handsome I actually forget what I’m about to face for a few seconds. I get out of the car to meet him and as he reaches me, he surprises me by pulling me to him and resting his cheek on the top of my head and taking a deep breath.
“I’m not going to ask if you’re okay, because there’s no possible way you can be. But I will tell you, I’m here. If you need me to talk I’ll talk. If you need me to listen, l’ll listen and if you need me to leave, I’ll leave. But I’m also going to tell you, I’m here for as long as you need me, and in whatever way you need me to be, okay?”
That does it.
The wall comes tumbling down and there isn’t anything I can do about it and I suddenly regret my decision to drive myself to the hospital. We stand there on the street, me sobbing my heart out and Carter trying his best to soothe me for I don’t know how long. When I eventually have some kind of control on my emotions, we slip into the car and make the drive to the hospital. Every second seems to weigh so heavily on me, like I can feel the physical weight of everything on me right now. We arrive at the hospital and I realise I don’t remember any of the journey at all. I find a space to park and we head to the main building and to the department stated on my letter.
With a shaking hand, Carter reaches for mine and squeezes it. I squeeze it back and in that one action, I feel stronger, something awakens inside of me and I know, whatever they tell me, I’ll be okay.
At least I hope I will be.
We find the clinic and I give the receptionist my name, we’re told to take a seat and I’ll be called soon. Everything is so clinical, so sterile and I can’t help but look around the room and meet the eyes of every other female in there. They’re all facing the same thing as me, all waiting to find out if they’ll have the chance to live a normal life after today or not. Time ticks by slowly yet all too soon, my name is called. Carter looks at me unsure what his place is now and I wish I could tell him, but I can’t because I’m not sure either.
“Please come with me.” I whisper, not able to face this alone.
“I’m here.” he tells me, smiling and taking my hand.
We follow the nurse down the corridor and into another room where a small, dark haired lady is waiting for us. She stands as we enter the room and introduces herself.
“Hello Miss Reid, I’m Dr Wallis, please take a seat.”
“Thank you,” I croak, unable to find my voice. “This is Carter… He’s… A friend.”
“Hello Carter.” she smiles as we take a seat. “I’m very sorry you have to be here today, but can I first assure you, you’re in the best possible place.” she smiles at me.
“I have no doubt.”
“Okay, let’s get this started shall we? The hospital in Sydney sent everything over, the results of your colposcopy, pelvic examination and blood tests. Along with your chest x-ray, CT and PET scan so we have everything we need here.”
“And?” I ask, just wanting to know what it is I have right now.
“Well, based on all your results they indicate you have stage two cervical cancer. I’m so sorry, Carmen.”
“That’s pretty much wha
t they told me in Sydney,” I tell her. “What does it mean? Am… Am I dying?”
“We’ve caught it early, so the chances of a full recovery are very good. Do you understand what the stages mean?”
“No, we didn’t get that far.”
“Okay, let me explain.”
If you were to ask me what she said I couldn’t really tell you, all I can take in are words here and there; cancer has spread, hasn’t reached the tissues lining the pelvis, surgery to remove the womb, radiotherapy.
“Carmen? Have we lost you?” Dr Wallis asks.
“No, sorry… It’s just a lot to take in,” Carter squeezes my hand, just letting me know he’s there. “Please, go on.”
“The next few months are going to be difficult Carmen, I’m not going to pretend that any of this is going to be easy.”
“What’s the first stage?”
“Surgery. It’s called a radical hysterectomy. There really is no easy way of saying it. The surgery will involve the cervix, womb, surrounding tissue and lymph nodes, ovaries and fallopian tubes all being removed.”
“So I won’t be able to have children? Carry them myself?” I all but whisper.
“No… I really am sorry, Carmen. I wish I could tell you something different.”
“Oh my God.” I sob, choking on my tears.
“Hey.” Carter wraps his arms around me and just holds me.
I close my eyes, praying that when I open them again this will all be a dream, I’ll be back in Australia and none of this will be real. When I do open them, I’m still sitting in the same room and Dr Wallis is looking at me with sad eyes.
It is real.
It’s really happening.
“What else?” I ask, needing to know exactly what I’m facing.
“After the surgery, you’ll undergo a round of radiotherapy to ensure all the cancer has gone.”
“No chemo?”
“Not in this case, no. Like I said, the prospect of a full recovery is good for cervical cancer diagnosed at an early stage, we’ve caught yours early, Carmen. You’re an otherwise healthy young woman, I’m confident you can beat this.”
She’s confident I can beat it?
I’m not so sure.
I thought I was strong, I thought I could cope with most things life could throw at me, but I didn’t for one minute imagine it would throw me this.
Cancer.
I have cancer.
How can I beat this thing?
The next half an hour is spent discussing in more detail the surgery and what I can expect. Dr Wallis tells me I’ll need someone to look after me while I recover and heal, that I’m going to need all the help, care and love I can get, that the love of my family is going to be the strongest healing power I have right now.
The nurse leaves and comes back in with a date for my surgery. Two weeks from today everything is going to change, I’ll lose the biggest parts of me that make me a woman, I’ll lose the ability to have children, I’ll lose everything and there isn’t a single thing I can do about it. I stumble out of the hospital and to my car, Carter practically holding me up. My hands are shaking so much I can’t even unlock the door. His hands come around mine and he unlocks it for me. My legs don’t seem to remember how to work, so he picks me up and places me in the drivers seat then walks around and gets in. We sit there, not speaking, barely even breathing while everything goes around and around in my head.
“That’s it.”
“Talk to me.” he whispers, holding my hand.
“Everything is going to change in two weeks… After that, no one will want me Carter. I won’t be able to have children, I’ll be a menopausal twenty-six year old. Who is ever going to want to be with me when they know that?”
“Don’t. Don’t you dare say that. It makes no difference to who you are. In two weeks time, in a years time, in ten years time, you’re still going to be Carmen. You’re still going to be the most breathtakingly beautiful person inside and out and any man would be lucky to have you, he’ll be the luckiest man in the world.”
“How can you possibly know that?” I sob.
“Because Carmen, I can see it, I can see who you are. You’re brave and strong and beautiful.”
“I’m anything but brave Carter, I’m terrified right now.”
“Mom used to tell us, when we were scared, that that was the only time we could be brave. You’re incredible and I’m in awe of you right now.”
“I’m scared, I’m so scared.”
“I know,” he breathes, holding me to him a little more. “I know.”
It’s been forty minutes since we came out of the hospital and Carmen is still crying, still sitting wrapped in my arms, the only thing that has changed is she is now sitting in my lap. When the damn broke, it was almost like she couldn’t get close enough, like she desperately craved human contact, needed to be held together. I’m the only one here so I’m trying to do it, I’m not sure anyone is capable of doing it right now but I’m trying my best.
I watch people walk past the car, the windows are steaming up now it’s raining again and I can only imagine what they’re thinking. Slowly, ever so slowly, the crying stops and her breathing gets deeper and slower, she’s fallen asleep completely spent and emotionally drained. Her body is protecting itself, sleep is what she needs right now. I can’t help but go over everything I’ve heard today while Carmen sleeps in my arms; stage two cervical cancer, it’s called a radical hysterectomy, I’m confident you can beat this. The words go round and round in my head, I have no idea what all this means all I know is Carmen is going to have to undergo some traumatic, life-changing surgery in two weeks and she won’t tell anyone about it.
She jumps awake fifteen minutes later, her panicked eyes meet mine and I try my best to soothe her.
“It’s okay, you fell asleep.” I tell her.
“It’s real isn’t it? It wasn’t a dream?” her scared eyes fill with tears again and everything inside me screams to make it better.
“It wasn’t a dream, I wish with everything I am I could tell you it was. I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t go home… Not yet.”
“Where do you want to go?”
“Anywhere, just please, come with me.”
Carmen starts the car and drives, I don’t know where we’re going but she drives and drives and soon we pull into a big carpark opposite a huge play park. She switches off the car and keeps looking forward. After a few minutes she finally speaks.
“When I was a little girl, my Dad taught me to ride my bike in this park,” she smiles. “He did the usual Dad thing, let go of the back before I realised. It took me ten minutes to master it Carter.”
“Ten minutes, it took me a month and even then, I crashed all the time.”
“When I was fourteen, I came to this park with Megs and Josie and we all got a little tipsy drinking three bottles of cider Josie stole from her parents. We all went back to mine and instead of Mum and Dad telling us off, they told us not to do it in the park, that if we wanted a drink to at least do it at home where we were safe.”
“Sensible parenting.”
“When I was eighteen, I came to this very spot with a boyfriend, he tried it on, wanted me to sleep with him in the back of his car, I refused and he left me here to walk home.” she tells me shaking her head.
“He sounds like an idiot.”
“He was. The thing is Carter, I thought it was the most horrible thing I’d ever have to go through in my life back then. A boyfriend who would dump me because I wouldn’t have sex with him. Then Josie lost Nathan and I realised how naive I was. We all decided to go to Australia together and I watched as they both met the men who they went on to marry, the men who look after them, make them smile and protect them from everything in their power. I hoped one day… One day it would be me, I’d get that. I have dreamed of being a mother since I was little, I wanted to get married and have children. I can’t do that now, can I?” she turns to look at me and her face is
so full of sadness.
“Of course you can, you can have all those things, you will have all those things.”
“I won’t Carter. In my dreams, I carry the baby, I give birth to them myself. I can’t do that now.”
“There are other ways… When you’re ready, when you meet the person you want to start a family with, there are other ways.”
The mere thought of her meeting someone, falling in love, getting married and wanting to start a family with them has anger coursing through my body. I have no right to feel like this, but I do anyway.
“Why me? What have I done to deserve this?” her pain filled voice calms me down and I focus my attention back on her.
“Nothing. You’ve done nothing to deserve this, I don’t know why… I can’t answer that.”
“I’m sorry, I just—”
“Don’t say sorry,” I tell her, moving her face so she’s looking at me, “Whatever you say, don’t say you’re sorry.”
“Thank you for today. Thank you for being there.”
“I told you I would be, I’m going to keep on being there too. I promise you.”
“I guess I should go back and tell Mum and Dad…”
“Are you ready for that?”
“Not really, but I don’t have a choice. Carter, I don’t have the right to ask you, but… Will you come back with me? You were there, you can help fill in any blanks, help them understand what Dr Wallis said.”
“Of course I will.”
“I think I have a guardian angel or something, you must have been sent to me.” she smiles.
I don’t really know how to answer that, so I don’t even try. It turns out, Carmen lives five minutes drive from the park, when we arrive at her parent’s house, she parks on the drive and sits in the car. She doesn’t need to tell me why she isn’t going in yet, I would be doing exactly the same thing. A couple of minutes later, the front door opens and a tall, elegant, dark haired woman steps out, this must be Carmen’s Mom and where she gets her long legs and looks from.